June 14th 2008 (6:45PM)
From childhood, I always knew my left arm was special. My parents called me a "special child" and later told me I was an heir of the fracture, which meant I had a fraction of the original form of Shadow and Light energy.
I grew up believing that Shadows and Shadow Monsters were one and the same, believing they wore human skins to pretend to be like us. That made it easier to accept killing them. I killed many Shadow Monsters after graduating from the academy and I felt absolutely nothing.
But then, something changed.
The HFA had been monitoring a family suspected of being Shadows. A pair of hunters had investigated and confirmed that the whole family were Shadows. I was ordered to exterminate them. It felt because I assumed they were monsters, so when I walked into their home, I did so with my sword drawn.
It was a family of three, a father, his wife and his daughter who was probably in her early 20s. They were all about to have dinner when I walked in. They saw the sword in my hand and they were instantly terrified and tried to run away instead of attacking me.
BUT I STILL USED MY SWORD TO KILL THEM ALL ANYWAYS.
I was covered in their blood after killing them. At first I felt nothing because in my mind I felt I was doing the right thing. But then I turned around and saw a child standing at the door behind me.
He had tears in his eyes and I realized that he must've been the youngest child of the family I had just slaughtered. I moved forward to end his life too but then I looked into his eyes and saw this look that scared me.
He looked at me like I was the monster the world claimed the shadows were and that look scared me and left me puzzled at the same time. Blood on my face, body and sword are like embodiments of a monster who killed people with no remorse. Then I looked around and saw the family photos on the walls and some crayon drawings probably drawn by the child in front of me.
The boy's words still echo in my mind:
"They were different. They wanted to be different from what the world called us. Why didn't you give us a chance?"
"SHADOWS ARE JUST WEARING HUMAN SKIN."
Those words were put into question the day I ended that poor boy's family as I watched him run away from me. I couldn't find it in my heart to end his life and didn't tell the HFA about the child. All of a sudden, I felt like I had been doing it all wrong. I always took the opinions of others without seeing it for myself and my consequences had finally begun to reach me.
"SHADOWS PRETEND TO BE HUMANS AND LIGHTERS."
But isn't judging all of them based on the sins of one man wrong? Shadows aren't all monsters. They're just people, shaped by the hate they've endured for centuries. But I had been too blinded by the world's judgment. That mission changed everything. I couldn't go on killing without knowing who they really were anymore.
This cycle of hatred has been going on for 800 years and might go on for another 800 years if we don't do something. I fear that if we continue like this, one day we'd all be swept from under our feet by something we failed to notice because we were too busy fighting each other.
*******
Jason: Something we failed to notice? What do you mean?
Joshua: You know about the calamities, right? Notice how we never ever saw them coming and by the time we found out about them, it was too late? If we were all vigilant, none of those tragedies would've happened and Koroma Island would still be a place people could live in.
Jason: I see.
Jason pondered on what he had heard as Joshua drank another gulp from his glass and then took off his glasses.
Joshua: That's why I decline most missions. I can deal with Shadow Monsters, but now I can't handle killing Shadows. It reminds me too much of that day.
There was a moment of silence between the two of them as Jason processed what he had just heard from Joshua.
Jason: So you're still mentally scarred from that mission?
Joshua nodded.
Joshua: I envy you, Jason. You can kill Shadows without feeling anything. How do you do it?
Jason: I don't know. I guess, after watching my dad get eaten by a Shadow Monster, I just don't want anyone to go through what my mom and I felt that day. So, every time I kill a Shadow or a Shadow Monster, I remember that at least fewer people will experience that same pain. To me, Shadows and Shadow Monsters are the same.
Joshua: I guess you and I have always been different. I can't shake the feeling that I'm wrong, so I can't keep doing what I was trained to do.
Jason: So, what now?
Joshua looked up at the ceiling.
Joshua: I've made up my mind. I'm resigning from being a hunter & I wanted you to be the first one to know.
Jason: I get the reason why but don't you think you're being too hasty? There's a lot of good you could still do here you know.
Joshua: I've spent twenty-seven years living my life the way others told me to. I didn't get to choose. I became a hunter because I was told I had to.
Jason: So what do you want to do Joshua?
Joshua: I want to change the world. Stop the cycle of everyone killing each other. I want to end this hatred that's lasted for 800 years. And I want to live my life without anyone, not even my family, telling me what to do.
Jason: (to himself) So Joshua's been wrestling with this for a while. Makes me wonder if anyone else feels the same. I don't have these thoughts but....
Joshua: You know I've always wished that I could be reborn as a normal human. No powers and no big responsibilities on my shoulders. (laughs and scratches his head) Reincarnation sounds like something out of a fairytale movie.
Jason remained silent for a while before he spoke up.
Jason: We might have different views, but wanting to change things for the better? That's a good thing. It'll be hard to change the HFA, but I'll be here whenever you need help.
Joshua turned and smiled at him m.
Joshua: Thanks, Jason.
The two left the bar, each with their own thoughts. Joshua prepared for his mission the next day, while Jason got ready for his students' Battle Exams while still thinking on what Joshua just told him.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Zero, Jokita, and Desmond stood under the gaze of the moon.
Jokita: So, we execute the plan tomorrow?
Zero: Yeah.
Desmond: (scratches his head) Damn it. Even after we've explained the plan multiple times, I'm still wondering, can we really going to do this?
Jokita: You speak like they're gods. Nothing in this world escapes death.
Desmond: There you go again, sounding like an old man.
Jokita sighed and then Zero spoke.
Zero: I understand what you're feeling, Desmond. But we have to do it no matter what. Because if we don't do this, we can't change the world.