Bell sat besides Ais. His mind torn in two with a singular question.
'Should I teach Ais [Ittou Shura]?'
This was his first technique from the wheel. More than half of his current strength came straight from it.
The main internal struggle was also due to many valid points.
First of all...He knew Ais won't tell anyone about [Ittou Shura], even her Familia, if he asked her. Cause for her, getting stronger for revenge was number 1.
But, even if she did not reveal anything. Everything would be revealed once she went to Loki to update her Falna.
If he taught her [Ittou Shura], then it would appear on her status sheet in bold letters. From there, Loki and her Familia will start to tail Ais and do background checks on anyone she came in contact with recently.
And that...would eventually be traced back to him.
The Loki Familia at least won't force him to hand over the technique of [Ittou Shura], because behind him stood Goddess Astraea. But, when the incentives are high enough, he had no doubt that Loki would force him to hand over his technique, the consequences be damned.
He trusted Ais...But he never trusted her Familia and especially that Goddess Loki. Anyone who took a Goddess of Chaos and Mischief as a herbivore was a fool.
That was also the reason why he rejected the idea of teaching [Astra-Vesta Calibur] to her. Because you need [Ittou Shura] at the least to act as a base to even start with that technique.
In fact...These were nigh impossible problem for others. But he still had a solution for them.
His [Asura Soul Reaping] was divided into three techniques. [Soul Reap], [Abyss Submersion] and [Asura].
[Abyss Submersion] was yanking someone's soul from their body and sending them into the abyss.
While, [Soul Reap] was a technique of devouring souls to temporary increase strength. Though the side effect was severe madness if overused.
However... Just like he could reap other souls with it. He could also plant a small piece of his own soul into someone else's soul. To protect their souls and even hide a part of it from the gaze of a divinity.
In simple words. He could hide a part of Ais' status sheet from Loki's gaze if he wanted. But even if he hid the part of [Ittou Shura], It would still be revealed to her Familia members when she used it in front of them.
If his strength was enough to take on the whole Loki Familia alone. Then he wouldn't even think for a moment and teach her [Ittou Shura] directly.
Yet, as he was now. He couldn't even guarantee to defeat a Level 4 adventurer without using all of his trump cards in a life and death battle. Forget about taking on the whole Loki Familia alone.
Even then...He could still tell her not to use it in front of her Familia.
Nevertheless, the problem was not with her. It was with him.
Bell thought with a sigh, looking at the lines of his hands. A wistful look in his eyes.
He had noticed something in himself a long time ago. He had no memories of his past life. The only thing in his mind were fiction from countless worlds.
But it didn't mean that even his own personality, the one before transmigration, was wiped out.
He didn't remember his own name, where he lived, or even his family.
Yet, his personality from before was still there. Buried beneath the memories of the original Bell and his emotions.
The truth was that...He was scared.
Scared of opening up to someone else. Afraid of trusting another. Nervous of showing the real 'him' beneath the guise of Bell Cranel.
His memories before coming to this world might be gone. His scars though...were still here.
He had noticed he himself rarely...If ever, initiated any form of intimacy with his Goddess Astraea, even something as simple as holding hands. Instead, it was mostly initiated by Goddess Astraea.
He still remembered how he cried due to that one rejection from her to join her Familia.
Now he understood. He cried not because he was weak, but because her words dragged out the unhealed scars deep inside him.
His subconscious actions were like this, and he knew that these things did not pop up out of nowhere.
You didn't wake up one day and decide to choose chaos. You grew up in it. Whether it was;
Emotional neglect. Inconsistent affection. Constant conflict. Comparison.
Being dismissed or unseen. Parents who loved but were unavailable. Homes where your feelings had no landing place.
Basically,
Your nervous system learned that;
Love = Uncertainty.
Attention = Inconsistency.
Safety = Surviving Emotional Storms.
So sadness became home. Pain became familiar. Chaos became predictable.
He knew Ais was trustworthy from reading *Danmachi*. But this was a real world. Not a novel or anime. There existed countless situations and variables more complex than any story here.
Believing and seeing are two different concepts all together after all.
Bell turned his face towards Ais. Looking into her blank golden eyes with calm.
He didn't speak. Ais just tilted her head slightly like a clueless and naive golden cat in response. Her eyes holding his gaze.
His eyes took in her doll like face, expressionless face and blank eyes. Peering even deeper. He saw an injured and grieving little girl behind a doll like facade.
... Just as his thoughts were entangling even deeper in confusion.
That voice...which always accompanied him arrived at the pivotal moment, like always. Landing like a soothing balm across his forgotten scars.
.
*****, Sometimes you don't pick chaos because you enjoy it, you pick it because you think you deserve it,
Because you already know how the story ends;
They don't choose you.
You get hurt.
Your wounds get confirmed.
You say, "See? I knew it."
Your pain feels justified.
Predictable. Comforting in a twisted way.
...
The mind attaches to its suffering when the suffering becomes identity.
Psychology calls this self-sabotage rooted in low self-worth. Because here's the truth you don't say out loud:
If someone truly loved you…
If someone stayed…
If someone chose you…
If someone saw the real you
And then left?
That would destroy you in a way chaos never could.
.
'I see...' Bell concluded. His past suffering might try to sway his decisions.
But.
He was not his past conditioning.
He was not his fear.
He was not his chaos.
His story didn't have to end where his wounds began.
Bell kept his gaze on Ais as he got up from the bench...His hand extending to help her.
Whether it was to,
Help her stand,
Help her become stronger,
Help her transcend her hatred,
Or
Help her soothe her pain.
Only he knew.
This was the first time...that the scarred wheel held out his hand to help someone else.
Even when his own scars were more than anyone else.
This was his first step...In becoming a true hero.