The assassin arrived disguised as a flower delivery.
This was, objectively, a terrible start.
Aerin stared down at the bouquet in his hands—roses, lilies, something purple that smelled expensive—and frowned.
"Is this… poison?" he asked cautiously.
The delivery woman froze.
Just for half a second.
But Aerin noticed.
"Oh!" he said quickly. "I mean—not because you look suspicious or anything. It's just—last time someone gave me flowers, they were cursed."
The woman blinked.
"…Of course they were."
She was tall, dark-haired, and sharp-eyed, wearing the plain grey uniform of palace couriers. Her posture was perfect. Too perfect.
Her name, according to the tag pinned to her coat, was Elira.
She smiled.
It was a professional smile.
"No poison, Your Majesty," she said smoothly. "Just admiration."
"Oh," Aerin said, relieved. "Good. Thank you."
He accepted the bouquet.
Immediately sneezed.
The Harem Alarm gave a startled beep.
Elira stiffened.
"That… thing," she said carefully, "does it always do that?"
"Oh yes," Aerin replied cheerfully. "It reacts to romance, danger, emotional instability, and frogs."
"…Frogs?"
"Long story."
Elira nodded slowly, filing this under deeply concerning.
She bowed and turned to leave.
Step one complete.
She had successfully entered the palace.
She had also completely failed to kill the king.
Elira was from Varkesh.
A rival land.
A land that had recently decided that assassinating Aerin might be easier than negotiating with him.
They had sent Elira because she was precise, efficient, and completely immune to distractions.
She had never failed a contract.
She had not accounted for him.
Attempt Two came at lunch.
Aerin sat in the garden, nibbling bread while Mira read beside him. Lina watched from a bench. Cassian trained nearby, shirt off, for reasons no one could explain.
Elira approached, now disguised as a servant with a tray of drinks.
Poisoned drinks.
Carefully prepared.
Odourless. Tasteless. Lethal in minutes.
She placed one glass in front of Aerin.
Her fingers hovered.
Now, she thought.
Aerin picked up the glass.
The Harem Alarm began to hum.
Elira froze.
"…Is that normal?" she asked.
"Oh yes," Mira said pleasantly without looking up. "It's probably reacting to your murderous intent."
Elira dropped the tray.
The glasses shattered.
"OH NO," Aerin cried. "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"
He jumped up immediately, slipping on juice and grabbing Elira before she fell.
She landed against him.
Close.
Too close.
Her heartbeat stuttered.
His hands were warm. Awkward. Gentle.
"I'm so sorry," Aerin said earnestly. "I should have moved the chair. I'm terrible with chairs."
Elira stared at him.
This was the man she was meant to kill?
He smelled like soap and bread.
The Harem Alarm went quiet.
Mira finally looked up.
"…Why is the assassin blushing?" she asked.
Elira panicked.
"I—heat exhaustion!" she blurted. "Very common!"
She fled.
Cassian stared after her. "Should I be concerned?"
"Yes," Lina said flatly. "Extremely."
Attempt Three involved a balcony.
Classic. Reliable. Elegant.
Elira crouched above Aerin's chambers at night, dagger in hand, cloak fluttering dramatically.
This was more like it.
Below, Aerin stood on the balcony, stargazing.
Alone.
Perfect.
Elira took a breath.
Leapt—
—and immediately landed on a decorative banner that tore loose, wrapping around her like an aggressive curtain.
She fell.
Aerin screamed.
She screamed.
They crashed onto the balcony together in a tangle of limbs and fabric.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO DIE?" Aerin shouted.
"I—NO—YES—WAIT—"
Guards poured in.
Cassian drew his sword.
Lina crossed her arms.
Mira sighed.
Elira lay sprawled on top of Aerin, dagger skidding across the floor.
Silence.
Aerin blinked up at her.
"…Hello?"
The Harem Alarm went berserk.
WEEEOOOO WEEEOOOO
Elira groaned.
"Well," Lina said, "that's not subtle."
Cassian disarmed Elira easily.
"Assassin," he said calmly.
Elira closed her eyes.
It was over.
Then—
"Please don't hurt her," Aerin said suddenly.
Everyone froze.
Cassian turned. "Your Majesty?"
"She keeps… failing," Aerin said gently. "I think she's nervous."
Elira opened one eye.
"…What?"
Aerin sat up slightly, still pinned.
"You don't seem like a bad person," he said. "Just… very unlucky."
The Harem Alarm stopped.
Complete silence.
Cassian stared.
Lina stared.
Mira stared.
Elira's brain shut down.
They locked her in a guest room.
Not a cell.
A guest room.
With tea.
"This is the worst capture I've ever experienced," Elira muttered.
Aerin sat across from her, hands folded.
"So," he said. "You're from Varkesh?"
She blinked. "You know?"
"Yes," he nodded. "Your accent goes sharp on the consonants when you're lying."
"…I'm not even trying anymore."
"Why did they send you?" he asked gently.
"To kill you," she said bluntly.
"Oh," Aerin said. "That makes sense."
She stared. "It does?"
"Yes," he shrugged. "People keep doing that."
Elira laughed.
Actually laughed.
She clapped a hand over her mouth, shocked.
"…You're ridiculous," she said.
"I've been told."
The Harem Alarm gave a curious hum.
Elira's smile faded slightly.
"You should hate me."
"I don't," Aerin said. "You tried to poison me and fell over a tray."
"…I did."
"That takes courage."
She looked away.
"I don't want to kill you anymore," she admitted quietly.
"Because you failed?"
"…Because you thanked me for the flowers."
Aerin smiled shyly.
"I liked them."
The alarm dinged.
Elira groaned. "Oh no."
The fallout was catastrophic.
Varkesh denied involvement.
The council panicked.
Cassian glared at Elira constantly.
Mira raised an eyebrow and said nothing—which was worse.
And the palace staff started a betting pool.
Aerin walked with Elira in the gardens under guard.
"This is awkward," he said.
"Yes," she agreed. "I'm an assassin."
"And I'm bad at dying."
She snorted.
The Harem Alarm hovered above them, glowing softly.
"I don't know what I'm doing," Elira admitted. "I've never… stayed."
"You can," Aerin said quickly. "If you want."
She looked at him.
"…You're going to get killed one day."
"Probably," he agreed.
She sighed. "Then I'll stay and stop that."
The alarm chimed.
Cassian groaned in the distance.
Mira smiled to herself.
Aerin beamed.
Somewhere in the palace, the Harem Alarm updated quietly:
NEW VARIABLE DETECTED: CHAOS
And for once—
Aerin felt excited.