I don't know how to even say what I feel anymore. I've been staring at your message, reading it over and over, and I don't know where to begin. Every word feels like it shatters me again, like being hugged and broken at the same time. You meant it kindly...I know you did. And that's what makes it hurt the most.
You said you hope I find happiness. But how? How am I supposed to find happiness when the only place I ever saw it was with you? I don't think I can. I don't think I want to. The idea of happiness without you feels like a lie I can't tell myself. I don't know how to pretend I'm searching for it when every version of my future always has you in it. Now, all I see is what I've lost. And with it, the last part of me that mattered.
More than anything, I hate myself. I hate myself for everything I thought I did right, the ways I tried to protect what we had, and only ended up breaking it. For every chance I wasted, every word I should've said, every way I left you feeling alone even when I was right beside you. I hate the person I was...blind, careless, weak. And it isn't just guilt. It's that nothing inside me feels worth anything now. I don't know how to forgive myself. I don't know how to keep existing. Some days I wish I could just disappear, because what's the point? I'm left standing in the wreck of everything I ruined. It's unbearable. Every memory of you is a reminder of everything I destroyed.
You asked if we could still be friends. I wish I could say yes. I wish I were strong enough for that. But I'm not. I can't stand beside you as a friend when inside I'm still holding on to every memory, still wishing for every moment back. I'd be lying...smiling beside you while falling apart piece by piece. I can't do that. I'm not fine. I'm as far from fine as a person can be and still be here. I don't even know how to describe this pain. You've moved forward...and I don't blame you, but I'm stuck. I'm still in love, still unable to let go, still crushed under the weight of what I lost. Watching you build your life without me is destroying me in ways I don't think I'll survive. Staying in your life as a friend would finish me completely.
There's nothing that makes sense anymore. I've never imagined a future without you. I didn't think I'd ever have to. And now that I do, I don't see anything at all. Every version of tomorrow had you in it. Now everything feels pointless. And forcing myself into your life would only make me feel more worthless than I already do.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I don't know how to move, how to think, how to breathe through this. You're moving on, and I'm still here, clinging to what's gone. I don't know how to stop hoping. I don't know how to stop looking for you in every part of my day. I don't know how to stop wanting what's already out of reach.
I'm not writing this for pity. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm writing this because I have nothing else. No direction, no reason to look ahead. Just these words, and even they feel empty now. Maybe putting it down is the only thing I can do before I disappear completely into it.
I need you to understand what you meant to me. What you still mean. How much of me is gone now that you are. The truth is, I'm not really here anymore. What's left is just an empty shell, waiting to disappear. I know these words won't matter. I know they won't reach you the way I wish they could. But they're all that's real to me now.
I remember once I told you I wished I could be like you...strong enough to move forward, strong enough to let go. But I can't. I'm buried in what I lost, and no part of me knows how to get out. Maybe on the outside I look fine, maybe I look strong. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I look pathetic. And this isn't the version of me I ever wanted you to see.
I don't know what's left for me after this. I don't know what any of this was meant to change. I don't know if anything could. I don't know if any of this means anything to you,or if it ever did.
I just know I'm still here. And maybe that's the part I'll never understand.