"The longer I stay by his side, the more clearly I see how kind and warm he is. He doesn't just love dogs and cats, he treats everyone with boundless compassion," Anwen said cheerfully."He treats me very well too. Perhaps this is the happiest period I've ever had. I can feel my feelings for him and his feelings for me as well."
Ariel frowned."You said he treats everyone well. What if you're just one of those people too?"
Anwen immediately turned to look at Ariel."Why do you always have to shatter my beautiful dreams?"
"Flattered but I just want you to daydream, not delude yourself."
In truth, Anwen couldn't refute Ariel's words, and she began to doubt herself. What if Ariel was right? If he treated everyone kindly, then was he treating her the same way as everyone else? Why had Anwen never considered this possibility before? She didn't know…
Just then, Ariel spoke again:"So when are you planning to confess?"
"Confess?" Anwen blinked in confusion."Yeah, aren't you going to say how you feel?"
Ariel had stirred up thoughts Anwen had never faced before. Confess her feelings? Anwen decided she would… not. She felt that things were already good as they were peaceful and happy. His remaining time was limited; Anwen felt that keenly, and so she thought she shouldn't voice her feelings.
She lowered her head, fingers rubbing the hem of her dress."No."
"Why not? You've given so much, don't you want your feelings to have an outcome?"
"No means no."
With that, Anwen jumped down from the fence and walked away, leaving Ariel staring after her in surprise.
She walked slowly along the road, her mind in turmoil.Ariel's words echoed in her ears: Don't you want your feelings to have an outcome?Of course she did. But what if she laid her heart bare and he rejected her? And besides, his time was running short. If they were together, wouldn't the eventual parting be even more painful harder to let go? He had suffered enough already. She didn't want him to bear additional emotional torment when he left. As for Anwen, she was an angel. She was willing to live with longing. Thinking of him might be a way to make her immortal life a little less empty.
...
Summer passed into autumn. Never before had Anwen watched the four seasons change so distinctly and each season was beautiful.
In autumn, Anwen and Rowan harvested guavas together in the garden, their fragrance sweet enough to make life itself feel sweeter. Looking at the clusters of guavas nestled against one another on the branches, Anwen suddenly asked, offhandedly,"Rowan… what do you think of me?"
Rowan, who was picking guavas, paused for a moment, then continued. Though she stood behind him, she could still see half of his smile."Why do you ask?"
"I mean, do you think I'm any different from other people? I mean, I..."Anwen grew flustered, instantly regretting the question. Why had she asked this out of the blue? Hadn't she already decided to forget what Ariel said? Why did she let it bother her? She regretted it deeply, truly deeply.
Just then, Rowan replied,"To me, you're special different from everyone else."
At those words, Anwen's regret burst like a soap bubble, leaving no trace. All the tangled worries in her heart were swept away. She no longer regretted asking. On the contrary, she felt it had been the right thing to do and wondered why she hadn't asked sooner instead of trapping herself in that web for so long. Encouraged, she went on to ask,"How many relationships have you had?"
"None."
Hearing that answer, Anwen felt so happy she almost wanted to jump until he continued,"But I don't think I'll fall in love with anyone anymore. The time I have left is too short to give enough love to someone. And I don't want that person to be sad."
When Anwen looked at Rowan then, it was as though dark clouds had covered the sun in her eyes.She tightened her grip on the wicker basket. Even a faint breeze now made her feel cold.
Just then, Rowan spoke again,"Could you help me wash the guavas?"
"Yes," she answered.
Anwen took the basket and walked away, dazed and hollow. The grass beneath her feet felt neither soft nor real; the basket in her hands felt weightless. Inside her, there was only an endless emptiness. She stood at the tap, washing the guavas one by one, not even realizing when she had finished.
The water gushed mindlessly until Anwen noticed and hurriedly turned it off. She carried the basket back into the house, only to find Rowan nowhere in sight.
She looked around, wondering where he had gone. Setting the basket on the table by the porch, she was about to call out to him when she felt something tug at her pant leg.
Looking down, she saw a dog gripping her trouser leg, then before she could understand pulling her toward the house.
Dogs were intuitive creatures; if it did this, there had to be a reason. So Anwen followed. When the dog led her to the bathroom door, she understood.
Through the gap, she saw Rowan inside, kneeling on the floor. One hand braced against the wall, the other clutching his head. Even from behind, she could see how pale his face was, twisted in pain. He bit his lip, trying not to make a sound.
At that moment, Anwen's heart tightened. She wanted to rush in but couldn't. So this was it, he had always hidden it from her.Whenever an attack came, when the headaches left him unable to stand, he would hide in the bathroom to keep it from her.
Why hadn't she realized sooner? She should have known that cancer, no matter how well he seemed, even at home was still quietly tormenting him, slowly killing him. It granted moments of joy only to hurl people back into despair.
Anwen clenched her teeth, turned, ran outside and broke down crying.
She collapsed to the ground, covering her face, sobbing. Her hands couldn't hold back the tears. No matter how grand her self-comforting thoughts were, they couldn't stop the pain in her heart. Tears slipped through her fingers and fell to the ground. The autumn sun wasn't warm enough to dry them quickly; the cold wind made them seem to seep back into her heart instead.
Invisible time filled Anwen with fear, exhaustion, and anguish. Only someone who knows the exact day a loved one will die can understand her torment. She once told Ariel she didn't like fortune-telling or prophecy knowing the future only made people more anxious and miserable. Better to take life as it comes, she thought; people live for the present, not the past or the future. The future would become the present and then the past.
But some situations were cruel beyond resistance. People didn't want to know the future especially a future of pain and separation, yet heaven forced them to know and made them count the days and months until it arrived. Was there any pain greater than this?
Anwen felt as though she were in a tug-of-war with time itself. She wanted to claw back every moment, every breath of life, fighting with all her strength. But in the end, she still lost.
Seeing her cry, the dogs around her grew teary-eyed too. One placed a paw on her shoulder; another rested its head there in comfort; another simply sat silently, sad and helpless. Anwen was exhausted terrified. She didn't know what to do. She imagined the day Rowan would no longer be by her side, when this present moment would become the past, and her future self would look back with regret and break down again. Darkness swam before her eyes. She wrapped her arms around a dog, clinging to it like a friend she could lean on.
She didn't want Rowan to worry. She didn't want him to see her cry. The things he hid from her, she didn't want to expose them either. She only wanted to stay by his side until the day he left. Yet the more time passed, the more afraid she became afraid beyond measure.
Just then, a dog behind her barked and pawed at her shoulder. Anwen understood, it was warning her that Rowan was coming out. She hurriedly stood up, splashed water on her face.
Water could wash away tears, but not the redness in her eyes. She lowered her head, thought for a moment, and decided there was no point hiding it. She stood straight and rushed forward, throwing her arms around Rowan.
"I..." Rowan froze, about to say something, then stopped."What's wrong?"
"We're family, right? You agreed on New Year's Eve."
"Yeah."
"Then if anything happens, can you tell me? Don't hide it from me, okay?"
Rowan gently patted her shoulder."What could I possibly hide from you?"
Anwen buried her face against him. His answer itself meant he was still hiding something.
At that moment, a cat suddenly darted out of nowhere and scratched Rowan's arm.
Both Rowan and Anwen jumped. She turned and saw it was Lumie. She didn't know why Lumie had done that. When Anwen looked at it, the cat meowed once and ran off.
She had no time to dwell on it. Turning back, she checked Rowan's wound.
"It's nothing. I've been scratched and even bitten by cats plenty of times. It's fine. Probably just teasing me," Rowan said.
Anwen nodded. She knew many cats could be temperamental. Still, she pulled Rowan inside to bandage the wound.
...
Late autumn arrived, the air growing chilly. Weeks passed, yet Rowan's wound still hadn't healed; it even showed signs of infection.
Anwen was extremely worried and persuaded him to go to the hospital.It had been a long time since she'd been there and she never wanted to return again. She wished it were so.
The hospital was as crowded as ever.
Anwen and Rowan walked side by side. In her heart, Anwen silently prayed that his wound would be fine perhaps it was just irritation, not a serious infection. Then suddenly, Rowan collapsed beside her.
In that instant, Anwen felt as though she had died for a moment. She dropped to her knees, no, she collapsed beside him. Tears fell onto his face before she even realized it. His face was ashen. Anwen cried out for help.
The memory dragged her back to that day in the alley, when Rowan had collapsed just like this, the day his illness was discovered.
She realized then that their peaceful time together was ending.
...
Rowan's condition relapsed, and he had to be hospitalized again.This time was worse than before. The tumor had metastasized, and according to the doctors, there was no hope.
"The family should have brought the patient in earlier. It's fortunate you came today saying it was accidental wouldn't be accurate… but it truly was just in time."
The doctor's words echoed in Anwen's ears, along with his sigh, leaving her mind in turmoil.
At last, she decided to take a walk to clear her head.She walked along the road she and Rowan had traveled together so many times but now, she was alone.
Suddenly, a meow sounded by her ear. She turned, it was Lumie.
On the way home, she wasn't alone after all.
Anwen smiled."Thank you… thank you for..." Her throat tightened, and she burst into tears, wiping her eyes."Thank you for helping me. You scratched him because you wanted me to take him to the hospital, didn't you? Thank you so much."
She sobbed openly, not caring how passersby looked at her. She only knew that she was unbearably sad, in pain. Just then, Lumie jumped into her arms, climbed up, and gently kissed her cheek.
Anwen knew it was comforting her.
She nodded, forcing a smile."I know. I'll try, I have to be strong to take care of Trung. I can't fall apart now. He needs me. The others at home need me too."
...
That night, Anwen returned to the hospital very late.
She told herself she mustn't cry anymore. When she appeared before him, it had to be with a smile, with optimism to comfort and encourage him. She repeated this to herself over and over. This time would be like the last: he would get sick, then get better again. In spring, summer, and autumn next year, they would harvest fruit together. She would keep accompanying him to his art classes. The dogs and cats at home were waiting for him; she was waiting for him. He wouldn't have the heart to leave everything behind and go.
As she wandered slowly down the hospital corridor, a sudden cry startled her.
She stopped and looked toward the sound. In a ward, people were collapsed beside a hospital bed. On it lay a man breathing through oxygen, his skin gray, his body swollen.
"Please accept our condolences and prepare for the funeral. We've done everything we could," the medical staff said, bowing to the patient and his family.
"Please wake up! How could you leave our children and me behind?" A woman threw herself over the man's body, wailing. Her cries were heartbreaking raw, agonizing. Behind her stood two daughters, staring blankly at their father lying motionless, then at their mother's sobbing, before breaking down themselves. Tears pooled on their young faces and fell to the floor.
Truly, there was no cry more devastating than that of a bereaved family. Those standing around also wept silently, faces twisted, grief hardening into a dry knot in their throats. Then the patient was transferred to another bed and wheeled away.