The alleyway was narrow, damp, and smelled of neglect. It was the kind of place where things went to be forgotten the deep, dark veins of the Hidden Leaf where the sun's warmth never quite reached. It was the perfect office for Danzo's Foundation, a place where morality was a luxury no one could afford.
The five Anbu stood like statues. Their chakra signatures were cold, suppressed into tight knots of killing intent that felt like ice water. To a normal ninja, they were invisible, a part of the shadows. To my Six Eyes, they were five black voids in the middle of a violet sunset. They were waiting for me to tremble. They were waiting for the "Commoner Genius" to realize he was out of his league, that his little parlor tricks with the Uchiha wouldn't work against the shadows of the village.
I pulled my hands out of my pockets and checked my watch. The ticking second hand felt louder than their breathing. Five minutes until the ramen stall started serving the 'Limited Edition' pork belly. My stomach gave a low growl, a sound far more important to me than the impending assassination attempt.
"Last warning, Kenji," the lead operative said. His porcelain mask a stylized cat stared at me with empty, hollow eye sockets. "The Foundation does not ask twice. Your presence is required for the security of the Leaf. You are a variable that must be controlled."
I looked at a piece of moss growing between the cobblestones. "The security of the Leaf is doing just fine," I said. My voice was flat, echoing off the stone walls like a falling coin. "What you actually mean is that an old man in a basement wants to poke me with needles to see how I work. I'm declining the invitation. I have a prior engagement with a noodle bowl."
The air pressure in the alley dropped. The killing intent was so thick it felt like physical weight, a crushing gravity meant to paralyze a target's heart.
"Subdue him. Break the limbs if necessary," the lead Anbu commanded.
They moved as one. It was beautiful, in a clinical, heartless sort of way. Two came from the rooftops, their bodies silhouetted against the darkening sky, blades angled for my shoulders to pin me to the ground. Two stayed low, sliding across the damp ground like serpents, aiming for my hamstrings. The leader stood fast, his hands forming a complex seal to suppress my movement with a binding jutsu.
They were fast. They were elite. They were also trying to fight a ghost.
Clang. Clang. Clang.
The sound of high-grade steel hitting thin air filled the alley. The two Anbu from above didn't land; they bounced back as if they had struck a mountain of solid, invisible tungsten. Their blades didn't just stop; the law of conservation of energy took its toll. The vibration of the impact traveled up their arms, shattering the bones in their wrists with the sound of snapping dry kindling.
The two below fared no better. Their tanto blades were frozen exactly three centimeters from my legs. They pushed with all their might, their chakra flaring a desperate blue in the darkness, their masks trembling with the effort. But the distance remained. The space between my skin and their steel was a canyon they could never cross.
"My instructor once told me that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line," I said, walking forward. The Anbu in front of me scrambled backward, his mask tilting in genuine, primal confusion. "He was wrong. The shortest distance is whatever I decide it is. And right now, the distance between you and a peaceful retirement is looking very, very long."
[System Notification: High-Efficiency Combat Detected.]
[Quest: Defeat 5 Foundation Operatives without taking your hands out of your pockets.]
[Reward: Unlimited Ramen Pass (Unlocked).]
Ramen for a month? I felt a rare, dangerous spark of motivation. It was the first time all day I actually felt like putting in more than five percent effort.
The lead Anbu growled a low, animalistic sound of a predator who had just realized he was the prey. "Fire Style: Great Fireball Technique!"
He didn't hold back. A massive sphere of orange and white flames erupted in the narrow alley. The heat was intense enough to crack the stone walls and melt the lead in the window frames of the nearby buildings. The fire roared, a hungry beast swallowing the space where I stood. The other operatives retreated to the rooftops, watching the inferno with cold, detached eyes. No one could survive that at point-blank range without a defensive jutsu.
The fire cleared, the smoke curling toward the sky.
I was standing in the center of a blackened circle of soot. My clothes weren't singed. My hair wasn't ruffled. Even my sunglasses were smudge-free, reflecting the dying embers of the jutsu. The fireball had reached the one-centimeter mark and simply... flowed around me, forced to obey the laws of a space it couldn't penetrate.
"Is that all?" I asked, dusting an invisible speck of ash off my shoulder. "Because the smell of burning trash is really ruining my appetite. It's a very distinct smell. Very Foundation."
"Monster..." one of the rooftop Anbu whispered, his voice cracking.
"I prefer 'logistical anomaly,'" I corrected.
I took a single step. To their eyes, I didn't move; the world simply shifted. It was a lapse in their perception, a glitch in reality. I was suddenly standing in front of the leader. I didn't punch him. I didn't kick him. I simply leaned forward until my forehead was an inch from his porcelain mask.
"Blue," I whispered.
[Technique: Cursed Technique Lapse - Blue. Output: 0.5%]
A point of intense, terrifying gravity manifested in the center of the Anbu squad. It wasn't a push this time. It was a pull. It was the center of a world that wanted everything to be one.
The five operatives were suddenly dragged toward a single coordinate in the air as if a miniature black hole had opened in the middle of the alley. Their bodies slammed into each other with a sickening crunch of flak jackets and bone. They were stuck together in a ball of tangled limbs and cracked masks, suspended three feet off the ground by a force they couldn't even name.
"Let... go..." the leader wheezed, his mask cracked down the middle, revealing a single, terrified eye.
"In a minute," I said, checking my watch again. One minute to go. "I need a head start to the ramen stall. I don't want you guys following me and making the chef nervous. He's a sensitive man."
I turned my back on them and started walking, my footsteps light on the cobblestones. Behind me, the gravity well held them tight a cluster of 'Elite' ninjas reduced to a decorative, groaning ornament in a back alley.
[Quest Complete. Reward: Unlimited Ramen Pass (Month of the Glutton) awarded.]
Finally. Some good news in this miserable world.
I reached the main street just as the paper lanterns were being lit, casting a warm, golden glow over the village. The smell of rich, salty broth and roasted pork hit me, and for the first time all day, the headache from the Six Eyes faded. I walked toward the stall, but a small, loud shadow blocked my path.
"KENJI-SENSEI!"
Naruto was standing there, his face covered in training dirt, his orange jumpsuit ripped at the knee. "I saw those mask-guys following you! I was gonna help, but then there was a 'Whoosh' and a 'Bam' and... wait, where are they? Did you turn them into ghosts?!"
"They decided to hang out for a while," I said, patting his head. "Literally. They're very attached to each other now. Now, move. I have a date with a bowl of pork belly, and I don't share with loud children."
"Teach me the 'Whoosh' and I'll buy you a second bowl! I've got my frog wallet and everything!" Naruto yelled, running after me with a grin that could rival the sun.
I stopped at the curtain of the ramen shop. I looked at the kid. He was loud. He was a magnet for trouble. He was everything I hated about this village. But through the Six Eyes, I saw his soul it wasn't flickering like the others. It was a steady, stubborn flame.
"Fine," I sighed, pulling back the curtain. "One bowl. And you have to sit three seats away. Your orange suit is too bright for my eyes this late in the day. It's a sensory hazard."
[System Notification: Hidden Bond Triggered.]
[Relationship: 'Annoying Little Brother' (Level 1) Established.]
Great. Now I have a sidekick. This nap is never going to happen.