"Subaru?"
"I'm s…I'm so…I'm sorry…s-sorry, sorry…shorry…!!"
From in front of him came Kenichi's bewildered voice. But Subaru didn't see his face.
The flood of tears pouring forth clogged Subaru's vision, making the contours of the world vague. He covered his face with his palms, desperately trying to wipe the overflowing tears. However, as much as he tried, the tears were unending. They wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop them.
"I'm sorrrryyy… I-I…can't be together with… I'm so…s-sorry…" He'd realized it.
Somewhere in his heart, he'd realized it long before.
He'd been invited into another world. The first instant the dazzling light of its sun shone down on him, making him squint, it had been like a revelation, and somewhere deep inside, Subaru had known.
He'd probably never return to his own world again.
His parents had raised him well enough for him to find the strength to repent before his father like that, confess the dark emotions roiling inside his chest, and yet gain forgiveness. All that was underpinning his resolve to walk forward once more.
"But in spite of that, I…haven't given anything back… I'll probably never see you again… I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
"…I'm sorry. I'm shworry. I'm sorry."
The tears would not stop. There, that moment, ferocious emotions seemed to churn inside him.
Yet even so, Subaru remained standing, not crumbling to the ground. Here, there was someone who held Subaru as he cried.
Supporting his son, now almost as tall as he was, he patted Subaru's back with his big, strong palms like he would for any crying child.
"…Goodness. No matter how much time passes, you're still a highmaintenance son."
6
"You've calmed down?"
"—Yeah, sorry. I really caused you a lot of trouble."
"Ya sure did. Look at my shirt. I've got tears and snot all over the middle of it. I can't walk around and have the neighbors see me like this, it's embarrassing."
Subaru was no longer crying when Kenichi flicked his forehead with a finger, the corners of his mouth curling into a smile. With that grin on his face, he gazed at Subaru who, after bawling his eyes out, wore an expression that was equal parts sad and apologetic. Kenichi sighed as he spoke again.
"I'm not sure what you were sobbing like that for, but it's embarrassing, so I'll keep it a secret. Be grateful to me for that at least."
"…Yeah. I'm grateful. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, more than anyone in the world."
"If you put it that way even I'm gonna blush…"
When his father scratched his own face with an embarrassed smile, Subaru lowered his listless gaze. Kenichi's shoulders sank when he saw his son's demeanor. Then he waved as if shooing a fly away as he pushed on.
"OK, crybaby, head home already. Daddy's still in the mood to stroll around a bit, so I'll head back after a little detour. I'll get weird looks if I'm walking around with a guy crying like you."
"…They'd wonder what in the world that father and son are doing at their age, huh?"
"Damn right they would. If I go back home with you together now, I'll get embarrassed by weird rumors between my friends, so…"
"You know, those are, like, famous last words, so watch out, okay?"
Poking fun at his father's statement reflexively, Subaru felt painful nostalgia running through his heart. Gritting his teeth and biting it back down by force, Subaru went, "Later," raising a hand Kenichi's way. "I'll head back first, then. Just make sure the cops don't stop you for anything, 'kay, Daddy?"
"Sorry, I ain't biting on that joke. Everyone round these parts knows me already."
"I wasn't joking."
Once again, he was saved by his father's unchanging demeanor. Subaru hated himself for that.
Just how much did he crave the chance to depend on and wish to be indulged by others? He really was incorrigible.
"…"
He didn't want to show Kenichi such weakness any longer.
Taking a single, deep breath, Subaru then turned his back on his father, setting his mind on becoming a stronger person. At that rate, he was set to walk out at a rapid pace, departing as quickly as poss— "—Hey, Subaru."
From behind, Kenichi's voice brought his feet to a spontaneous halt.
"I'm sure you've got a lot of stuff goin' on, so I only have one thing to say to you."
"…"
"Hang in there—I've got high hopes for you, Son."
Subaru had always clenched a worry of betraying his father's
expectations without ever letting it go. So to Subaru, his father's expectations were fear itself—
"—Yeah, you can count on me, Daddy."
His back still turned, Subaru extended an arm. He thrust a finger toward the heavens, speaking in a loud voice.
"My name is Subaru Natsuki. Son of Kenichi Natsuki—I can do anything, and that's how it's gonna be. Your son's hot stuff."
"Yeah, I know. I made half of ya, after all!"
"Hee-hee," went Kenichi, his faith-filled, laughing voice showering Subaru from behind.
When he heard this, Subaru's own lips broke into a smile.
Back still turned, he set off.
His knees weren't shaking. His heart wasn't wavering. He simply stared straight ahead as he walked forward.
Behind him was the man he had looked up to for so long. This time, Subaru would let that man watch his back as he walked on.
He did that while thinking to himself how much strength he had needed from others to achieve that one simple thing.
Then Subaru Natsuki continued walking forward, never to stop again.
7
With his arms through the sleeves his freshly ironed white shirt, Subaru put his legs through his good-as-new slacks. Waging a difficult battle, he tied his deep-green necktie in front of the mirror before finally putting on his navyblue blazer.
"Student Subaru Natsuki, complete… Man, it's been around three months, huh?"
Checking his completed version reflected in the mirror, Subaru breathed out, his face proclaiming that one task was done.
There hadn't been a Subaru wearing his long-sleeved student uniform reflected in the mirror for quite a while. He recalled that tying the necktie of his blazer-type high school uniform every morning had been a real pain in the butt. Flicking a finger off the flat knot of the necktie, he turned his back to his reflection and picked up his schoolbag.
For all appearances, that much, at least, looked well within the realm of perfect preparation by a student preparing to attend high school.
"Unfortunately, it's about time the third homeroom period started. Ain't well within at all."
Scratching his head with a bitter smile, Subaru stretched his hand out a little on his way out of the room. Stopping just before he left, he looked back.
To Subaru, who'd never experienced a change in residence, that room was the only place he could call "my own room." Since entering middle school, he'd spent over five years in that room.
It would be the last time he saw that place, too.
" "
Subaru said nothing. He merely lowered his head in silence.
That single gesture contained five years' worth of feelings in it.
When his long, long period of bowing ended, Subaru lifted his head and departed the room with sunnier feelings. He proceeded to head down the stairs to the first floor, pushing open the living room door. And then—
"Oh my, when you asked me where your uniform was, I thought you might burn it, so I made all kinds of preparations…all for nothing, it would seem."
"Your son asks where his uniform is and the first thing you think of is burning it? Wait, when you guessed I'd burn it, your 'preparations' meant getting sweet potatoes and sausage skewers ready…?"
The reclothed Subaru was met by his mother, Nahoko, who seemed quite disappointed her off-the-cuff prediction had not borne fruit. Behind his mother, he saw that she was done preparing for a barbecue in the cramped kitchen.
After parting ways with Kenichi, Subaru had returned home and asked Nahoko where his uniform was.
Having shaken free of his past, her son had made the statement with a sunny look on his face—and this had been his mother's reaction.
"I give up on whether it's good guessing or bad, but this angle is definitely not what I expected…"
"Yes, yes, it looks very good on you. The outfit cancels out the foul look in your eyes. You look rather calm…"
"Mom, your current approach is taking all my serenity away from me!"
"—? What are you all riled up about? Hey, want to glug down some mayonnaise with Mom?"
With a mystified look, Nahoko presented the mayonnaise she'd placed on the table. The mayonnaise in the Natsuki residence was somewhat famous to all local mayo lovers.
Kenichi, Nahoko, and of course Subaru employed various mayonnaises, and glugging mayo was a daily sight during mealtime, getting out of the bath, and sometimes even in the middle of the night. Indeed, when Subaru fell into distress from lack of mayonnaise in that other world, he'd used modern knowledge to successfully re-create mayonnaise on that end.
Mayonnaise was inseparable from the Natsuki family. It was a must-have item.
"But right now, I don't feel like…"
"I suppose not."
The mayonnaise had SU written on the lid, marking it as belonging to Subaru. When he gently pushed the mayonnaise offered to him away, Nahoko gave a knowing nod.
"I mean, Subaru, you really don't like mayonnaise that much, do you?"
"…"
"You were just licking it with Dad and Mom because we like it so much, weren't you?"
Placing the mayonnaise marked for Subaru on the table, Nahoko murmured thusly in roundabout fashion. Hearing this, Subaru gasped in surprise. He breathed in, virtually wringing out his voice before gingerly posing a question.
"Wh-what basis do you have for…?"
"Well, Subaru. If it was the world or mayonnaise, which would you choose?"
"Er, probably the world…"
"You see?"
"That's a really bad example! Don't go 'You see?' with that smug look! Anyone picking mayonnaise there isn't picking out of love for mayo, but hatred for the world!!"
As he raised his voice at Nahoko's rather off-the-mark view, Subaru's shoulders heaved with heavy breaths as he glared at the mayonnaise on the table—on the inside, he wasn't calm in the slightest.
Whether he was a card-carrying member or not, Subaru had pride as a mayo lover, enough that if someone asked him to pick between it and a deserted tropical island, he'd pick mayonnaise in a heartbeat.
But if asked the reason he was so hung up on mayonnaise in the first place, he'd have to say—
"I guess I hard-core have a complex for a happy family…"
"You'd slap super on it?"
"That'd make it a Super Family Complex aka Sufami, and that just sounds wrong."
Having engaged in such absurd conversation, Subaru let out a long breath with a pained smile.
Then he slowly picked up the mayonnaise atop the table.
"Ah…," Nahoko began.
"Mmm, delicious! Genuine mayonnaise really is way different! Can't enjoy this taste anywhere but my homeland! Over there isn't bad, either, but it's a pale shadow compared to the real deal!"
Wringing off the lid from the nearly full mayonnaise jar, he guzzled it down in one go. The tasty acidic flavor atop his tongue raced through him, with heat shooting down his throat that seemed to burn his chest.
This was the supreme, a-mayo-zing taste that mayo addicts could not help but love.
"Maybe I don't love mayonnaise as much as you two do, but I'm still a genuine mayo lover. I swear on the mayo lids of all the mayo I've licked to this day."
Incidentally, Subaru had kept the lids from his old mayonnaise jars, stuffing them into a corner of his room. They actually numbered 776—
"And this makes triple sevens. I'll have to stick it in my collection later."
"Ohh, congratulations on your third seven. Your father was really happy when he got his fourth a little while back."
"My love's literally incomparable to his!"
Nahoko accepted the empty mayonnaise bottle with an amused look. His mother's comment made his sense of accomplishment feel somewhat tarnished, but Subaru immediately smoothed over his feelings.
"Well…guess I'd better head off, then."
"Ah, if you're going to the store, I want some cream puffs, so make sure to buy some."
"You see me like this, put your guessing gears in motion, and you say that?!"
As he spread both arms out to show off his school uniform, Nahoko went "I'm kidding, I'm kidding" and smiled at her son as she said, "Ah, you're going to school now? Mom's happy for you, but…won't you stand out in a
bad way? If you can put it off till tomorrow, why not put it off?"
"Hey, stop putting a damper on your son's enthusiasm like that. Even if others are strict with me, I'm soft on myself and a slacker to the core, you know."
"If you were really like that, your mother wouldn't have such a hard time, Subaru."
When Subaru quipped at his own expense, Nahoko pretended not to get it as she shook her head. Her reply made Subaru narrow his eyes, but Nahoko went "All right then" and straightened her back as she said, "Well then, hold on a second. Mom's going to get her coat."
"What do you mean, wait… Hold on, you're coming with me?! Having a parent go with you to school when you quit being a hermit is, like, a level worse than a humiliation game!"
"I'm not going all the way to school. I'm just going out to the store to buy mayonnaise and cream puffs. What, I can't indulge you that much?"
"Huh?! That makes it sound like I was asking you to come with me?!"
The incomprehensible flow of events made Subaru's eyes bulge. "Yes, yes," said his mother in a perfunctory reply as she headed to her own room. It felt like a prelude to having a parent chaperone him to school for sure.
"No, no… Man, gimme a break here."
As he spoke those words, Subaru's cheeks faintly relaxed from relief.
At that point, even Subaru was aware the reason for his relief was that the time when he'd have to say goodbye to his mother had been pushed a little farther down the road.
8
"It's been a long time since I've walked side by side with you, Subaru."
"I suppose so. We were together when you went shopping at night quite a bit."
"Sigh. You know, given the flow of the current conversation, I'm speaking about daytime, not nighttime. You really must pick up on the context and the literary intent."
"Where that subject's concerned, you're the only one I can't accept hearing that from, Mom!"
Nahoko Natsuki was truly bedeviled by one of the world's dullest senses, possessing world-class bad guesswork. This was well understood by both men in the Natsuki family; indeed, it was virtually 100 percent certain that hypothetical or humorous conversations wouldn't work on Nahoko. That said, she herself was unaware of how complete her obtuseness was, which exponentially increased the stress arising from speaking with her.
Even understanding all that, though, Subaru happened to like speaking with his mother.
"I'm glad that it's warm today. What did you talk to your Dad about?"
"Ohhh, there it is, Mom's beginner-level 'first half disconnected from the second half' conversation topic! I know you don't mean anything special by it, but ummm…"
As they walked side by side on the way to school, Subaru tried to wrap his head around the question his mother had posed.
The details of his conversation with Kenichi involved Subaru's confessing his embarrassing internal complexes and bawling his eyes out, but that didn't amount to a proper explanation. Also, he didn't want to say it in those words.
It had been a necessary conversation, but he'd cut himself off from the emotions he imagined were unique to that place. No way in hell was he going to start crying again on a public street.
"Ahh, it wasn't really anything major. Actually, we talked a bit about old times with Mr. Ikeda."
"Ahh, Ikeda, yes. He moved after winning at the horse races, and his young wife there swindled the shirt off his back, so he had to do manual
labor until the sun scorched his skin pitch dark, didn't he?"
"The tragic development in the second half of that is news to me!"
"Ill-gotten money really is no good for you. His heart may be in sorry shape at the moment, but his mind is still holding up, so he sends letters."
"So you experienced being stripped bare in an unfamiliar land, Mr. Ikeda… I can relate!!"
Though Subaru had been in a different world rather than a different country, he'd experienced things not so different from what Mr. Ikeda had been through. Though Mr. Ikeda was little more than an acquaintance whose face Subaru had known when he was little, for some reason, he harbored a strong feeling of fellowship with the man.
Subaru inwardly prayed for his good health. Beside him, Nahoko made a mmm sound, then said, "So, talking about old times made you want to go to school?"
"Ahh, well…that's the simple version, yeah. There were a whole bunch of triggers making me look back, and that led to it."
"So you stopped trying to do anything and everything just like your Dad, then."
"…"
When Subaru tried to keep things vague, Nahoko spoke with a gentle tone that did not permit him any escape.
A wry smile came over her, making it look as if she was about to break into a hum. The look in her eyes was the only sharp thing about her, but you could never tell what his mother was thinking by looking at her. However, Subaru had the distinct feeling she'd cut him off at the pass.
"You're a hardworking type, Subaru, and you do all kinds of things in haste. Thanks to your father blindly taking interest in so many things, you've had plenty of opportunities… It wore you out, didn't you?"
"M-Mom…how much did you realize I was…"
"Now, now, Subaru."
The true feelings Subaru had continued to conceal, even to himself, had been plain to Nahoko all along.
Subaru was still at a loss for words when Nahoko, pulling slightly in front, turned back to face him.
"It's often said the child looks at the parent far more than the parent thinks."
"…"
"But the reverse is also true. The parent is also always watching the child, much more than the child thinks. Subaru, even your mother has been watching over you the whole time, you see?"
Truly, he could do nothing but gape dumbfounded.
He'd been so convinced he'd kept his inner feelings hidden, but in truth, it had all been in vain. This in spite of the fact that he'd thought himself lonely and miserable with not a single person the wiser.
"I had to put suppositories in you when you were little, so I've seen everything, including the hole in your butt. Mom's even seen your body's
intestines, something you've never seen, Subaru."
"Umm, I'm sorry, the conversation was flowing in a good direction, so I really didn't need that information."
Where one's intestines were concerned, that wasn't something one had many chances to see, let alone those of parents or siblings. Though Subaru had been graced with the occasional opportunity to see his own intestines…
But in any case—
"About the mayonnaise, and the reason for not going to school…"
"If your mother could have done something about that, you can be sure she would have. Mom felt that no matter what she tried, it probably wouldn't work. But…"
Nahoko tossed in a little smile as she stared straight at her son's face.
"It seems like you managed somehow with the help of someone besides your mom or your dad. I think that's a very good thing. I really must thank that person."
"…Yeah, I suppose so. That person saved me from my incorrigible ways. She's the one who told the incorrigible me I wasn't incorrigible. That's why I can walk forward like this now."
When Subaru awakened to his own foolishness, she'd accepted him even so, so Subaru was able to stand there and face his past—and his father and mother with it.
"She's an amaaaazin' girl. Almost to the point she really is wasted on me."
"But you're not giving her to anyone, are you?"
"Damn straight. It ain't an issue of being the other's equal. If anyone's gonna do it, equal or not, it's gonna be me. I'll just raise my own worth from here on out."
"Yes, yes—you really are that man's son."
To Subaru, just how much meaning did those words carry?
This was the mother who knew the things inside Subaru of which he'd never spoken a word to anyone. Probably Nahoko had seen right through him. If she knew, and she was speaking those words with that knowledge, then…
"I wonder, if I can really do it right…if I can really have kids with her and do things right…"
"It'll be fine. I mean, your mother may be half of you, but if you act half as cool as your father, you'll do all right, yes?"
"You're acknowledging your own genetic inferiority in my body's makeup?!"
"I said you can act half as cool as your father…the other half, why don't you just be yourself, Subaru?"
Unmoved by what Subaru blurted out, Nahoko indicated that the path forward was very simple.
Upon hearing her words, Subaru was dumbfounded, thoroughly beside himself.
"So, Subaru, your mother thinks you will hang in there in your own Subaru-ish way."
"…"
"Incidentally, what happened to your father after the stroll together? Did you ditch him?"
"You ask that now?! Uh-oh, we're up to Mom's intermediate-level 'question that resurrects the past midconversation'!"
If Subaru cordially indulged her and ended up explaining the circumstances under which he'd parted with Kenichi, all his prior work would be undone. In the end, before being forced to speak about his bawling his eyes out, Subaru ignored the context surrounding the words and echoed his mother's words.
"In my own way, huh?"
"Yes. Over the course of thinking, I wanna be just like Dad, you'll end up just like Subaru."
Even though he'd ignored the question, Nahoko acted quite satisfied with the conclusion Subaru arrived at. Then his mother headed forward, but her feet suddenly came to a halt.
Having arrived at a fork in the road, Nahoko indicated the path to the right.
"Well, the convenience store is this way, so this is as far as Mom's going with you… Will you be all right?"
"I haven't been…maybe I have been wounded deeply enough for you to worry, yeah."
He couldn't laugh it off as Nahoko's overprotectiveness. Even if Subaru wasn't pathetic enough to completely lose heart, the concern with which his mother gazed at him did not cease. Therefore, to put his mother at ease, Subaru said, "I'm all right. There's some things I need to do and some things I want to do, but I'll chew on 'em all. I don't have even one reason to shut myself in anymore."
"That so? I'm glad to hear that. Good luck, then."
Apparently pleased with Subaru's reply, Nahoko nodded, then headed down the right path with a visible skip in her step. Subaru went down the left path, parting from his mother.
They were going their separate ways. Probably for far, far longer than his mother thought, at that—
"Mom!"
Unable to bear silently gazing at her back and watching her go, Subaru brought his mother to a stop with a loud voice.
His mother's feet, skipping as she sought more mayonnaise, came to a stop; she twisted her hips and looked back. Subaru seared the ever-normal, never-changing image of his mother into his eyelids.
"Ah…"
Goodbye. He needed to say goodbye. But Subaru hesitated to speak the words.
Even if he said goodbye and parted ways there, his mother still had no idea just how long she and Subaru would be apart. With his mother not knowing they would never meet again, Subaru would be spared seeing her cry. He didn't want his final memory of his mother to be her crying face, so was it not best that he leave his mouth shut?
Pulling the wool over her eyes out of consideration for her, and himself— "There's something I have to do. So it'll be a long goodbye." —was something the heart of Subaru Natsuki would not permit.
"…"
Nahoko greeted the spoken words with silence.
There, before she could react in some way, Subaru continued his words.
"It's kind of far away, so I won't be able to stay in touch. I think you'll probably worry about a bunch of things. I…can't firmly say I won't do anything dangerous. If push came to shove, I'd say it's all pretty dangerous, because the girl I've gotta save gets herself in all kinds of dangerous messes."
His mouth moved rapidly. The information he wanted to enumerate, the words he wished to speak, poured out of him.
"I think Dad and Mom are both gonna worry about me a lot. You've worried enough about me where you can see me, and now I'll be somewhere you can't. But I'll be thinking of you no matter where I am, and I'll never forget about either of you…"
"Subaru."
"I'll never think I don't wanna be Mom and Dad's child ever again, and I'll never hate myself again. I know those words don't really let you send me off with peace of mind, but…"
"Subaru."
Even Subaru no longer understood what he was saying when Nahoko called out to him from very close.
When he looked up, his mother was standing right before his eyes. And then—
"Subaru—it's all right."
"…Wh-whaddaya mean, all right?"
"I know exactly what you're trying to say, Subaru. So you don't need to try so hard to find the words."
"You…know…? But how…!"
"Because…I'm your mother, Subaru."
There was not a single shred of logic behind the statement. So why did it feel irrefutable?
The backs of his eyes grew hot. He'd sensed the same thing only a few hours before.
Just how many times would Subaru need to bawl like a little child? How many tears had to flow before he could regain an unshakable heart of steel?
"I-I'm like…a little kid here… So lame…"
"If it's lame to cry when you need it, then that makes every single baby born in the world lame as well."
"That's not…what I mean…"
"Yes, yes, I told you, I get it. From Mom and Dad's point of view, you'll be our child no matter what your age, Subaru… When you want to cry, go ahead and cry."
The world began to blur. Tears came running out. Subaru hid his face behind the sleeve he used to rub it so his mother wouldn't see it. Out of respect for Subaru's stubbornness, Nahoko didn't peer any closer.
All she did was slowly stroke the short hair on Subaru's head.
As she stroked him, Subaru straightened his back.
"…Sorry, Mom. In the end, I can't do a damn thing for either of you."
"You know, I didn't give birth to you because I wanted something from you. I gave birth to you because I wanted to give. Subaru, your mother gave birth to you because she wanted to give you love."
How much of this, the very definition of love, Subaru had already received from her was simply incalculable.
"If you really want to do something for Mom, take those feelings and give them to someone else. And if you happen to give that love to a girl you like, Subaru…isn't that wonderful?
"…Yeah, it's wonderful."
"Of course it is. What your mother says is never wrong."
With a satisfied smile, Nahoko toyed with Subaru's forelocks with her fingers. The feeling of those fingers tickled Subaru, making him smile back at her with his tear-marred face.
"Aw man, I'm super pathetic, just crying and crying…"
"It's fine to cry. Subaru, you cried so much when you were born. At first, everyone cries in an ugly way. A lot of things happen, and you cry in lots of places."
" "
"But if, after crying a lot, you end with a smile, everything's all right. What's important is not where you start, or what happens midway, but how it ends."
"So if the results are good, everything's OK, then?"
"You're taking that the wrong way. Consider this homework from your mother."
An opportunity to revise his answer would likely never come.
In the name of homework, she had offered him words of farewell. Accepting them as such, Subaru took them to heart. Surely, the day would come when the answer would emerge, and he would understand it, as if by natural design.
" "
It was neither a very manly nor a very valiant farewell scene.
Neither father nor mother—faced with a son who'd holed up for so long before saying goodbye while unable to even say where he was going—had spoken a word of resentment; instead, they were able to send him off with smiling faces.
For him, this place and his parents who were both too good for him—they were things he loved.
"—Well, I'm headin' off."
"Mm-hmm, go ahead."
Turning his head back at the end, he forced his cheeks to move and make a smile. Leaving that awkward, smiling face behind for his mother, Subaru turned his back to her and walked forward.
The commute to school would be anticlimactic. After the fork, all he had to do was go straight down the road, then up a hill, and then the school campus would come into vi—
"Ah, that's right. Subaru, Subaru, I forgot."
Then, just when he was all hyped up to get going, a scatterbrained voice called out to him from behind.
Subaru, worried about what the very, very end might bring, turned to see his mother raise a hand as she said, "Come back soon."
Then, with a little wave of her hand, his mother spoke those words with a pleasant smile.
The last night before he had been summoned to another world, before heading out to the convenience store, his mother had surely seen Subaru off the exact same way.
But at the time, Subaru, perhaps being in a sour mood, had said nothing, simply opening the door, and…
" "
This was the last chance for him to wipe away his regrets from that day.
His mom's advanced-level conversation piece was, "No matter how many detours you may take, you will always arrive at the right answer in the end." The instant he remembered that, a genuine smile, not a forced one, broke out as he called out to her.
"—Be back soon!!"
9
At the school campus, he didn't see a single student, or teacher, or anyone.
When he headed from the entrance to the foot locker, he opened the illfitting door that had remained closed for a while. He switched from outdoor shoes to indoor shoes, then walked into the linoleum-floored corridor.
Third year, sixth class, seat twenty-two. That was Subaru Natsuki's spot in school.
The classroom for third-year high school students, the senior class of the school, was on the first floor. His own footsteps echoed down the silent corridor as Subaru wasted no time heading to his own classroom. Then he stood in front of the door and took a deep breath.
"…"
Putting his hand on the door, he slid it sideways, opening it wide in one go. That instant, Subaru, blatantly arriving so very late, had reproachful stares converge on him from all over the classr— "—I must say, you came far sooner than I expected." No such thing happened.
When he surveyed his classroom after so long, the seats, including Subaru's own, in the back row and against the window, were empty everywhere he looked—save a single seat filled in the very center.
Then the individual sitting in that seat turned toward Subaru, seat and all.
"Welcome— Tell me, what did you gain from the time you spent facing your own past?"
Stroking her own white hair, such was the question that the Witch of Greed posed to him, her eyes filled with inquisitiveness.
CHAPTER 5
THE FIRST STEP FORWARD
1
The white-haired girl remained seated in her chair in the middle of the classroom as she gave a wry, charming smile.
Receiving her gaze upon him, Subaru leaned his upper body into the corridor, checking until he reconfirmed there was no one else around. Then he turned back toward the classroom once more, scratching his head.
"First, there's something I want to tell you…"
"Mm, you may speak it. I am very interested in whatever you might be thinking."
"That school uniform really looks good on you."
The Witch's eyes had an inquisitive glint as Subaru pointed and conveyed his impression.
For a moment, the Witch blinked at that impression, and then she gave a burst of irrepressible laughter.
"Ha-ha! Thank you. That makes it well worth rummaging through your memories to reproduce it. These clothes are seared into your memories
particularly strongly. Perhaps you are rather fond of them?"
The girl—Echidna—rose from her seat, grasping the hem of her skirt as she twirled around on the spot. The sight of her white hair swaying down her back made her look like nothing more than an attractive teenage girl.
She wore a gray skirt and a navy-blue blazer. The red ribbon adorning her breasts marked her as a student of the same grade as Subaru, providing a vivid contrast to the white shirt underneath.
"It's just that I like longer skirts more than short, personally. Long skirts twirl around for longer, so it tugs at your thoughts even stronger that way."
"I see. Well then, I must ensure that my skirt twirls for longer the next time."
"Not that there's gonna be a next time! Also, it's not as if I really like everyone wearing that outfit. Here, it's just what you have to wear. It's as obligatory as a knight's dress uniform."
Echidna giggled at him, looking like she only took his explanation half seriously. Humphing through his nose at her, Subaru sat down in the empty chair in front of Echidna, turning to face her.
"I really thought you would be more surprised…"
"If you meant to hide it, you should've put more effort into the background. This goes for the commute to school, too, but there isn't a single adult or child inside the whole school, and that's impossible."
Even if he'd reasoned it was late afternoon of a normal day, the world simply felt too bereft of human presence. It was as if the world had been stripped of everything that was not useful information from Subaru's perspective.
"This world's way too convenient from my point of view… What's with this place? I was just entering the place called your tomb, and then…"
"You entered my tomb, possessing the qualifications to do so. Therefore, the trial began. That is all. Did you not hear the words? 'First, face your past.'"
Echidna, replying to confirm Subaru's impressions, crossed her hands behind her back as she tilted her head.
The beautiful girl's hair swayed with the wind, a gentle, cool breeze blowing into the classroom as the school uniform on her casually melted away. Sensing that each of her nonchalant gestures was a trap she had laid around his heart, Subaru consciously averted his gaze from her.
"It's gradually…coming back to me. What did you do to the memory of when we first met? I completely forgot about you until the moment this trial was underway."
"I told you, did I not? You are forbidden to speak of having met me at my little tea party to anyone else. It was faster and more reliable to affect your memory than trust in the tightness of your lips. Ahh, I would like you to relax… I did not play around with any other memories. I would never do such a banal thing."
"…What basis do I have to believe what you just said?"
"Perhaps your understanding of a Witch's true nature? I am the Witch of Greed, lust for knowledge incarnate."
Echidna crossed her arms as if embracing her own elbows, leaving Subaru unable to read what rested within her black eyes.
Whether to trust the Witch felt like a stupid question that did not require any elaborate thought. He'd already undergone terrible ordeals at the hands of the Witch of Jealousy and the Cult that worshipped her. The same went for Echidna.
"But first I want to set you straight about something. The fact is, you're the one who gave me the qualification for the trial."
"Set me straight, you say? Somehow, that sets my heart just slightly aflutter. How strange… I feel slightly elated that you would speak to me in such a manner.
"All I did was to upgrade you from an unpalatable thing to a maybeunpalatable thing."
When Echidna's smile deepened, Subaru responded by tossing words her way that seemed intended to fend her off. "Tch," went Echidna, tapering her lips as her almond-shaped eyes gently narrowed.
"Everyone harbors regrets from their past. Living day to day makes it impossible to exist without regret—regret is a function built into all people."
"Don't put it pessimistically like that. That regret thingy turns into reflection, reflecting on yesterday lets you scrape by today, reflecting on today lets you bust through tomorrow. That's a function built into people, too, isn't it?"
"—Precisely!"
The air audibly leaped; this was caused by Echidna, speaking in a strong voice, bringing her hands together in a powerful clap. She drew close to the surprised Subaru, her face approaching so close that they could share breaths, opening her mouth as if to press him for more.
"Such a simple observation engenders what is, in the end, a minor difference. But which answer one chooses greatly affects whether one views the past optimistically or pessimistically. Most view the past pessimistically, repudiating the path that has led them to the present. And in that repudiation, they avert their eyes, never closing the lid upon what has happened."
"Um, your face is…close…!"
"Such a thing cannot be helped, for the you of yesterday was infinitely ignorant compared to the you of today. The you of now is at an absolute deficiency of knowledge compared to the you of tomorrow. In the sum amount of knowledge, and in the total number of memories, the past is inferior to the present, and the present is inferior to the future. That is a fact!"
Paying the overwhelmed Subaru no heed, Echidna spoke exceedingly passionately, punctuating her speech by strongly slamming both hands onto the desk.
"Accordingly, when people face the past, they sift through hesitation, bewilderment, anguish, and sorrow, all in search for an answer. I shall affirm whatever answer they arrive at as a result. I shall find no fault in any answer, for it is proof that you have faced your past, absorbing it and using it as your cornerstone as you overcome it."
"…So that's the objective of this trial? Huh, mission accomplished, I guess?"
"Facing your own past can mean accepting or rejecting it. What is important is arriving at an answer. One cannot overcome the trial with fear, anger, or cowering. However, I extol those who have either accepted their past or made a clean break with it. For that, I shall offer as many
opportunities as one might desire… That is this trial!"
When Subaru took this as meaning he'd passed, Echidna made that powerful declaration, raising her clenched fist. Immediately afterward, Echidna audibly gasped as she came back to her senses, her cheeks reddening as she cleared her throat and said, "I became a t-trifle too excited.
I am sorry for the unsightly display."
"I don't really mind. I did get to smell your breath a lot, but it smelled like citrus fruit. More importantly…from what you're saying, I passed the conditions for clearing the trial, right?"
"I believe you have displayed sufficient results for me to declare that this portion is finished."
Echidna touched a hand to her chest, her face full of satisfaction, like one savoring the aroma of luxuriant black tea.
"In regards to your trauma and your lingering feelings of guilt toward your past, you have found an answer to both. This, I wish to praise with thunderous applause."
"One portion… Wait, you saw me bawling my eyes out, didn't you?!"
"So sowwy, before I knew it, even my eyes were moist."
"Shaddap!! Don't tell a soul, it's embarrassing!!"
Subaru couldn't keep his cool at her being a Peeping Tom in regards to his farewell with his parents, both longing and regret bared. Her inquisitiveness that instant was a slight against Subaru's family.
"But what a pity…it seems you already had your answer for facing your painful past."
"Ahh?"
"I welcome any answer. But it is my belief that an answer means more when one must take an excessive time to arrive at it. I was hoping that you would arrive at your answer as a result of racking your brain…but it would seem the trial unfortunately came too late for you to amuse me to the fullest, more's the pity."
Echidna made a morose sigh. Knotting his brows at her words, Subaru slowly realized it for himself.
If Echidna's desired outcome for the trial was for Subaru to face his past trauma in the form of both his parents, overcoming that past after much agony, he could only give his condolences.
"A girl told me, a totally helpless no-good guy, that I'm her hero. That's why I've already accepted how much I come up short. I don't need to face my past now to teach me that."
"So you resigned yourself to it in a different manner. It is not at all amusing that this has gone contrary to my will. Should you meet that girl on the outside, I would like you to convey that a Witch bears a grudge against her."
Subaru's breath caught at the way she so casually stated that extremely frightening complaint. He knew he was at the limit of his ability to avert his eyes from comprehension he did not wish to accept.
Echidna's presence, the world without people, and her saying she was reproducing a school uniform from his memories—even an idiot would realize that…
"Not that I even need to ask. This world, it really is…"
"Yes, that's right. This is a fictitious world reproduced using completely faithful reliance upon your memories. Therefore, naturally—your real parents remain with no knowledge of where you are and what you are doing, and are no doubt worried about their son, vanished without a trace."
"Really faithful in every way, though? They talked about a whole bunch of things I didn't know about…"
"Did you truly not know these things? Perhaps you saw a letter sent by an acquaintance of your parents once? Did you not meet an old man who knew your father when he was young? Did you truly not suspect even once that this image of your father was at odds with what you believed?"
When Subaru seemed to cling to her, Echidna indulged him, pounding home point after point.
"You thought they didn't know, but in your heart, did you really want to conceal it? Can you truly say you didn't want a fictional father and an idealized mother to know all along, out of the self-serving desire to be loved in spite of them knowing?"
With Subaru cowed into silence, Echidna drew her face close to his, the tenor of her speech gradually diminishing to a whisper as it gained an evermore-suspicious-sounding ring. Then, when she was close enough to breathe on him, she said, "That is a little too idealistic, a little too convenient—do you not think so?"
" "
Echidna gracefully smiled as those soft, seemingly adoring words dug deep into Subaru's heart.
At odds with the age-appropriate appearance she had displayed to that moment, this was the malevolent smile of a Witch. In the face of that captivating smile, infected with a Witch's seductiveness, Subaru closed his eyes and—
"Don't mock my parents out of some half-baked resentment, Echidna."
"…What?"
"I gave my entire answer to them. Both my mom and my dad accepted it. I told them everything I hadn't said, and they said everything I wanted them to say: Hang in there, come back soon."
Subaru stood up, put his hands on the desk, and put his forehead to Echidna's. Subaru watched the Witch's black eyes blink in surprise as he pounded his own chest.
"Those voices, those smiling faces…every last bit was what my imagination poured into them—they're not vases for you to pour your halfbaked ideas into. Don't look down on them. Those are my parents."
" "
"I told them everything I had to say. I'm not gonna be led astray by words from someone like you."
Turning her bladelike words back upon her, Subaru snorted and set his hips down on the chair once more. His brusque crossing of his legs, rough nasal breathing, and hard glare made the Witch look taken aback as she exhaled.
"Goodness, to not leave any room for doubts in the answer you have given… You truly know how to make a little Witch cry."
"Sucks to be you. I reeeally love Mom and Daddy."
He puffed out his chest as he asserted it, though he couldn't quantify just how long it had taken before he could do so.
Echidna greeted Subaru's stance with a resigned shake of her head.
"In a true sense, this trial is over. I hope for great things for the next question."
"Yeah… Er, next question?! The hell, the trial isn't just one thing?!"
"My, did I not tell you when you first entered the tomb? 'First, face your past.' You should have paid more attention to the first part…"
"Stop talking like a Japanese language teacher!! And that deceptive face really annoys me!!"
Subaru was shocked at the notification that it would be a longer fight as Echidna leaned an elbow against the desk, forming a mischievous smile.
"The condition for liberating the Sanctuary is to pass the tomb's trial, three parts in total. I am pleased I was finally able to speak to you about this.
My chest is aflutter that I have surprised you to quite this extent."
"Yeah, I've got a real lively look on my face 'cause you didn't tell me about this back at the tea party, damn it…"
She'd no doubt been full of frustration concerning the uncooperative visitor arriving for tea with far too little information. Unlike that previous time, he had more he wanted to ask her about, but—
"Either way, you're not gonna hand out cheat sheets on the contents of the trials or how to answer, are you?"
"Of course not. Stealing my fun from me after my death would simply be far too cruel."
"Don't talk about this like some geezer's fun, sheesh…"
Wincing from the witchy reply, Subaru slowly rose from his seat.
There was no longer anything he wished to speak to Echidna about. Nor was there any reason to stay in that place, that fictional world, for long, save for lingering attachment. He'd said his farewells to the regrets in his heart; that was enough.
"Hey, Echidna."
"What is it? Ahh, a grudge to vent, or perhaps you wish to punch me once? Certainly, you have the right to do that much. I know my amusement comes at your expense. But I am a woman. At least avoid the fa—"
"Thank you."
" "
Echidna's face froze when she heard those words.
The sight of Echidna in shock, eyes wide open and taken aback, felt a little creepy to Subaru as he spoke.
"Even if it wasn't real, even if I didn't really say those things to the two of them, thanks to you, I was able to say out loud what I wanted to tell them. To put it bluntly, even if it's the result of your shitty curiosity, I was able to say goodbye to them— If nothing else, I'm grateful for that. So thank you."
"…You are an incredibly interesting person, one I am no longer able to understand to a degree that is…frightening."
Echidna's reply contained neither jest nor falsehood; rather, it felt as if she was speaking from the heart for the very first time.
After hearing her reply, Subaru shrugged, smiling like a mischievous boy.
"I'm honored to have frightened a Witch. So how do I get out of this world?"
"This world has served its purpose. It has already begun to disappear. Nothing save this building still holds its proper shape—exit the building, and you should find yourself in the tomb where you started."
"Well, that's pretty convenient."
When Echidna's answer prodded him to look out the window, the distant sky was indeed warped like some kind of mirage. Having fulfilled its duty, the false world was vanishing back into a distant dream.
With it went the father who had given Subaru a push forward, and the mother who had sent him off.
"They already taught me the important stuff, though."
The emotions filling his chest and the hot sensations in the backs of his eyes made Subaru rub his eyes once with his sleeve. Then he lifted his face, and there was room for tears no more.
Subaru turned his back to the Witch and faced the classroom's exit to bring that world to an end and—
"That's right, one more thing. It seems like you want me to challenge this trial again going forward…but I can't do it."
"…Meaning what?"
Echidna knitted her refined eyebrows as Subaru paused on the verge of leaving the room, turning only his head back toward her. Subaru lifted a finger toward her, wagging it left and right as he spoke.
"It's not my job to clear the trial and liberate the Sanctuary. This is a commemorative exam, just 'cause I happened to have an exam ticket on me.
It'll be a different kid who'll fulfill your expectations."
He remembered Emilia, who had challenged the tomb and had surely undergone the same trial. It was her duty to liberate the Sanctuary. Subaru's challenge had been completely unplanned; he couldn't raise Echidna's hopes.
So he said that last thing, waving his hand toward the Witch he was probably seeing for the last time…
"Will that truly be the case, I wonder?"
Subaru Natsuki never noticed Echidna's deeply suggestive whisper as he was enveloped in white light.
Then he left the world of the trial—
2
The instant he awoke, the first thing Subaru felt was the bitter taste of sand and dust inside his mouth.
"Blargh!! Ptoo, ptoo! Some weird rock's in my mouth… Bleh!!"
Feeling drool and something else shaped like a rock on the tip of his tongue, Subaru retched as he instantly sprang up. When he surveyed the area around his dirty body, he saw an empty room shrouded in thin darkness.
The cold, chilly air and musty, acrid scent—they reminded him that he was in the tomb.
"That's right, I completed it…"
Now that Subaru was awake, his mind finally caught up as he recalled all that had happened since he collapsed.
He'd been pulled into the trial, had been reunited with his parents, spoke with them, then returned to reality. There didn't seem to be any gaps in his memory from start to finish. He remembered it all.
"Not like I can forget bawling my eyes out like that… Ahh, I'm glad."
Leaving his father and mother was a sad, nostalgic memory, but also the ritual that had hardened his resolve.
Relieved he had not forgotten it, he clenched his teeth as he belatedly recalled why he had rushed into the tomb in the first place—the answer was sprawled on the floor right next to him.
"Emilia!"
Kneeling, Subaru saw Emilia lying on the cold floor beside him. Peering at her face, he confirmed she was breathing. He was initially relieved by that fact, but the pained look on her sleeping face stabbed into his chest.
"—ah, ngh…"
Emilia was moaning, with sweat on her brow, as her face twisted in anguish and fear. Every so often, she shook her head in denial, as if she were
desperately trying to run away from something—
"A past you don't want to look at…something you have to face and deal with, huh…?"
Subaru didn't know how much time had passed, but Emilia had entered the tomb long before him. That Subaru had come back first in spite of that meant she was having an exceptionally difficult time with the trial.
Emilia moaned faintly, like she was begging for help, as if ready to break into tears at any moment. The sight of her like that made Subaru's breath catch. Wanting to somehow ease her suffering, he touched her cheek with his finger. That instant—
"—!"
"Emilia?!"
Emilia's slender body sat up fast, almost like she'd been zapped with a jolt of electricity. The dramatic reaction made Subaru reach out with his arms, hugging Emilia against his own chest.
Then, when she shuddered like she was having spasms, he called out to her over and over.
"Emilia! Get it together, Emilia! Emilia!"
"—Wuu… Su…baru?"
"—! Y-yeah, that's right. You can tell it's me? I'm so glad."
Subaru's arms had been wrapped around Emilia while he desperately cried out. After some time, the anguished expression on her face finally eased as she slowly opened her eyes.
She seemed to be coming to her senses, letting Subaru breathe in relief after calling out her name since the episode started.
"This is… Er, I was…"
"Take it slow, don't panic. We're inside the tomb in the Sanctuary. You came in here to fulfill a very important duty…and, er, sorry for taking so long!"
Remembering that he was embracing her, Subaru abandoned his explanation midway and pulled back from Emilia's body. When Emilia hazily turned her head toward him, Subaru scratched his cheek and tried to pick up where he'd left off.
"Emilia?"
"That's right… I began the trial, and then…"
Emilia's thoughts returned to the moment right before she'd lost consciousness, to the test. But her reaction had clearly been abnormal, and the sight of her set Subaru's heart deeply astir.
Emilia embraced her own shoulders, as if remembering the shuddering from mere moments before. Her face was pale, drained of blood, and he could hear her teeth chattering.
"I-it…wasn't me…! I…said it wasn't…me…but…"
"Wait, Emilia? Calm down, please. Emilia, look at me, Emilia!"
"No…don't look at me like that… No, no, no, you're wrong… Don't… blame me…!"
Subaru's voice never registered as Emilia cowered on the spot, covering her face with her palms in denial. Her tearful words turned into sobs, and her crystal clear voice was so full of grief that it pained his heart.
When Emilia crumpled onto the floor, Subaru still had no idea what had happened.
"It's all right, it's all right. I'm here. You're not alone. It's okay."
As Emilia shuddered in tears, Subaru tried his best to console her, to protect her, to care for her. He gathered her in his arms and gently stroked her back.
During that time, Emilia continued to sob, seemingly unable to hear Subaru's voice.
"…ve me, Dad. Save me… Puck, Puck…Pucckkk…"
It was not the man at her side consoling her, but the absent spirit whose name she continued to call.
3
"She finally calmed down a short while ago and is now sound asleep."
Ram whispered the news when she came out of the room after Subaru had questioned her with a glance. Given her considerate demeanor, what had happened inside the room behind her must have been something else.
While relieved at her reply, he wasn't relieved enough not to turn his worried eyes toward the closed door.
"That expression isn't like you, Barusu. Normally you have such a sloppy face. Now that I have seen that somber grimace of yours, I truly have no wish to see it ever again."
"Nobody asked you… Sorry, making you worry about me like that."
Ram reacted to those words with a "Ha!" and walked away. Before following in her footsteps, Subaru bit his lip as he turned his eyes toward the door one last time.
Perhaps repeated regrets over his insufficient strength, his weakness causing failure to pile upon failure, had steeled his heart.
"Ohh? I wonder, is Lady Emilia already weeeell?"
Cutting short his lingering sentiments at the closed door, he chased Ram deeper into the building. When he stepped into the room farthest back, he was greeted by Roswaal, lying upon the bed.
The place was at the back of the building in the Sanctuary devoted to
Roswaal's convalescence. From what Subaru had heard, it was actually Ryuzu's house, but it was currently on loan, the needs of the lord of the land being the highest priority.
—Thanks to being able to use that room, he had ended up carrying Emilia, fallen into disarray at the tomb, into the very same building.
"Yeah. Right now she's sleeping in her room. Thanks to Ram, she shouldn't have to see any nightmares."
"I used aromatic tea that acts as a sedative. Normally it would not work, but the Great Spirit is not currently at her side, so…"
After Subaru replied to Roswaal, Ram put a hand on her pouch as she added her words to his. The tea ingredient seemed to be a different one from what Ram had previously used to lead Subaru astray with an illusion; that there were multiple types rather surprised him.
It went without saying that he ought not to be concerned about bad effects inside his body, but—
"I still have this nagging suspicion you've been serving me poison all that time…"
"Too large a dose of any base ingredient for tea will become poison, nothing more. You are a petty man to hold a grudge all this time."
Speaking those words with a composed expression, Ram stood right at Roswaal's bedside. For all intents and purposes, the room was host to a oneon-one meeting between Subaru and Roswaal—no other connected persons were welcome.
"Garfiel dragged his feet, but Ryuzu being so sensible was a huge help."
"Due to her age and seniooority, she has learned the value of discreeeetion. Even Garfiel understands that they cannot achieve their objectives without our cooperation, you see."
Roswaal's words made Subaru recall how they'd looked when Subaru had parted ways with them at the tomb. The liberation of the Sanctuary was Garfiel & Co.'s cherished desire. If their side didn't cooperate, the other side might resort to force, but—
"If we intend to liberate them, they'll lend us a hand, huh? Damn complicated situation to be in…"
"Because Lady Emilia is with us, our interests are aligned. The obstinacy their side has displaaayed to date should ease… Incidentally, I heard that a follower of yours was preeesent?"
"Follower… Ah, you mean Otto? He's, well, we stuffed him in the Cathedral for tonight. He actually came to the Sanctuary because he wanted to meet you in the first place, Roswaal, but…"
"Buuuut what?"
Roswaal had one eye closed as Subaru scratched his head. The reason for Otto's absence was exceptionally clear.
"We're talking internal camp business from here on. I don't intend to drag a half-outsider like him into our problems past the point of no return."
"I see, a wise decision. It would seeeem that you do not enjoy involving friends of yours in your troubles."
"I wouldn't exactly call us friends, but…well, pretty much, yeah."
Having mulled over and accepted the circumstances, Subaru shrugged his shoulders, making no great effort to deny the point. From there, despite the absence of Emilia, the subject of their discussion—
"How about tonight we hammer out important stuff for this camp that we've been kicking down the road?"