It was a snowy day, and I swear I heard this one cool-ass jingle in my head. Not gonna lie, I was getting jiggy with it. Right there by the streetlamp, I thought I met the Lord and Savior himself—Last Christmas was playing in the background—but then Truck-kun showed up and blasted me into Lego bricks.
One moment I'm plastic shards; the next, I flinch, open my eyes, and see this absolute shithole. Dayum, man. How do I even go from here?
I woke up in the middle of a forest looking like some fairytale. "Siegfried, where are you?" I thought. Then the "majestic shit" you see on Instagram Reels hit me: trees with a green tint, rose-petal reds, and a purple night sky. I got lost in the sauce, totally forgetting I was in a crisis. Then I got grabbed. They beat me up real good.
I woke up in a dark, damp dump crawling with blood and despair. Fuck this shit, I thought. For what sins? Not to mention the drugs I was on back home were starting to wear off. What a place to sober up.
The next day, they splashed "your boi" with cold WATA. Man, that slapped the shit out of me. A figure emerged from the darkness.
The Figure: "Which country did you come from? Specify your answer."
Your Boi☆: "Specified my ass, boi! I'm cold! I'm from Earth—you wouldn't know my country, you alien prick!"
The figure loomed over me. We were surrounded by the old bricks of a basement that smelled like a mix of a dusty attic and an old butcher shop. But I'm going out gangsta. I lifted my head, gave him the Rocky Balboa face—call me a survivor—and stared him down with the Eye of the Tiger.
Man, this muthafucka was ugly. A "retarded Shrek" is what I'd call him.
Your Boi☆: "Man, you got layers like lasagna."
His eye twitched.
Mystery Shrek: "It doesn't have to be this hard. You are not a 'hard' human. Your kind has been falling under the reign of demi-humans for decades. The only human country left is Lafeland—a laughable charade. If not for their Black Knights, they'd be part of the Beast Commonwealth. Give me a reason not to rip you apart like room-temperature butter."
Your Boi☆: "Dayum, man. Forget layers, you got s'layers. Fuck you. This sounds like a setup. If I agree, I'm fucked; if I don't, I'm fucked. So look me in the eye while you do it, bitch. What's the alternative?"
Shreko: "I just want to fuck humans up! Why you gotta make this difficult? Popping eyes is my stress relief. Since you want to act tough, I'm sending you to the mines, human scum."
The figure made a wet, earthy throat sound and spat on me. Green slime dripped down my face.
Your Boi☆: "You fucking Grinch! You steal my Christmas, spit in my face, and send me to the mines? Trust me, Daddy, when I get back, your ass is mine. Punk."
Shrekon: "You chose your fate. GUARDS! TO THE MINES!"
He roared like a budget Godzilla. Two creatures appeared—humanoid, but with wolf features. They chained my hands behind my back. I remember thinking: How do all those other isekai freaks spawn in palaces? I got no-scoped at the goddamn spawn point.
As they dragged me out, I let my mind go into autopilot. We walked through streets that looked like a fantasy Baghdad—merchants, wolf-kin, lizard folk, and gnomes all hustling. They dropped me at the mines, popped the shackles, and handed me a small bag. "This will help," they said. Inside was green sand.
So, I snorted it.
I know, I'm "insane in the membrane," but fuck it. If I'm gonna die, I'm making it a party. My eyes widened. Everything started moving to a beat in my head. The crystals around me began to glow. I lost track of time, but every time I gained consciousness, I snorted more.
Reality twisted. I felt the pickaxe tearing through glowing rocks, my calluses falling off and leaving bloody trails. In a brief moment of reflection, I noticed my reflection in a crystal. I had a long beard, wild hair, and my chubby body had withered into a husk. The other humans looked at me with pity.
Pity? Nah, this is my last rave. I pulled out the green shit for one more hit. Two guards watched me.
Guard 1: "Wasn't he supposed to be dead five years ago?"
Guard 2: "Yeah, the Chief gave him the strongest green sand—the stuff trolls use for rituals. Normally, his heart would have exploded, but he just... keeps going."
Guard 1: "What a fuckin' drugger, eh?"
Guard 2: "Yeah. He's the highest man in the mines."
Reality twisted again. Everything went pitch black.
> [SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
> Drug Synchronization Complete. > Distorted Reality Unlocked. > Skeletal and Muscular Modifications Ready. > The process will be extremely painful. Proceed?
>
"I'm high, man. Of course I want to proceed."
My bones snapped. My body began sprinting toward the deepest, darkest parts of the mine. My skeleton was breaking and reforming—it felt funny, like that scene in Harry Potter with the jiggy arm. Psychedelic patterns crawled off the walls and onto my skin like permanent tattoos.
When I finally stood up, the transformation was complete. I was taller, slimmer—basically Ricardo Milos's son. I was hot. My vision was crystal clear. I could see the vibrations of the world.
> [SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
> Reality Breaker: Ready.
>
Lines of light, stars, Nirvana—I was a monk of the mosh pit. I used some "Yin-Yang" shit to calm my nerves in the cave. I thought about a sweet meal, a warm bed, and a hot shower. I started to dance to the beat in my head.
I was in a cave. Then I wasn't.
I "spawned" in the middle of a human city. The beat in my head was literally tearing the fabric of reality apart. I smiled, reaching out to grab the strings of the world...
And then a woman in dark armor ran up and kneed me directly in the skull. Darkness again. Classic.