The first day at the cabin was horrible.
The fire kept going out. The propane tank was empty so I had to cook in the fireplace. For food I had the instant noodles I packed with myself. I didn't feel like washing up until late and realised there wasn't hot water running when I actually decided to.
By the night, I was cold. My eyes were burning from the constant smoke of the always going out fire.
When I finally managed to get the fire running, I snuggled up in my bed to get it warm quickly.
It was such a chore to live.
I could just lie in bed and starve to death. But that was going to take too long and I'm not confident enough that I'd be able to resist eating.
Only if someone could just shoot me and be over with it.
I fell asleep out of exhaustion and woke up the next morning. This time, I was refreshed.
The forest smelled just like yesterday. I smoked another cigarette, it was a little crooked but did the job.
I saw the beer bottle I had thrown out yesterday before going to wash up.
Right beside it, was a propane tank.
I'm positive it wasn't there yesterday. Or maybe it was? I wasn't sober enough to notice.
I went over to it. It smelled and weighed full.
Maybe it was a backup.
I rolled it into the cabin and connected it to the stove. Feeding myself was now tolerable with this.
I looked at my clothes. They looked like they weren't washed in years. Doing laundry in the forest wasn't on my bucket list nor something I fancied.
I figured, even if I walked around naked, who would care here.
I tossed my top and jeans out the porch. I kept the bra and underwear . It felt too bare without them.
The day was less chilly than the night so it wasn't a problem.
I spent the entire second day eating through half of my stock of instant noodles.
They just tasted so good.
Then I felt like washing up and remembered to warm up the water this time. Filling the tub with the water, I stripped and slid into the water. I looked up, lying in the water. I could see into the attic through the bathroom ceiling.
Someone could peek if they were in the attic. But there was no one there.
Suddenly, I felt how alone I was there.
I could just slide an inch or two deeper and drown myself right there. But I knew I would jump out the moment it became unbearable.
I could never kill myself.
I know because I've tried. I don't have the guts to go through with it.
The next morning I woke up naked in my bed. I don't know how I got out of the bath and how I fell asleep.
Shouldn't have drunk before going to wash up.
But that deep soak had cleared my mind a lot.
I walked out to the porch. There was an interesting amount of mud on the floor. Some wild animal must've partied there.
It smelled heavily muddy because of that. But there was one place that wasn't muddy.
The fence.
On it was my top and jeans. They looked clearly cleaner.
I presume it didn't rain yesterday, not that it would clean them to that degree.
Someone did my laundry.