Let them bark," Sarah touched my arm — it was sympathy for me, clearly showing on her face…
How? Why? Why do I always let them do this to me? Why do I always step back when I hear someone talking about me? Why?
Why do I treat myself like a criminal? Why does guilt spread through my veins? Why do I accept myself as "Good For Nothing"? Is it because, from the beginning, I let them control me? I gave them the right to treat me like this — to badmouth me?
Why do I search for a good person in my life — someone who could love me without seeing my bad parts — when I never even loved myself first? I didn't have any right to deserve someone who could love me, because I never loved myself… not any day, not any minute, not even for a second.
I always feel guilt — without any reason, without doing anything wrong — just because I'm not normal like them, just because I don't know how to talk…
I grabbed my bag and headed to the park. Sitting alone, I watched the children playing — the joy, the spark in their eyes, their overflowing happiness.
Why wasn't my life like this when I was a child? At least I would've had some memories now — something to remember, just to bring a small smile to my face.
If God ever gave me another chance to be born again, I'd beg him for only one thing — just one chance… to live a real childhood. With more friends… or even just one would be enough for me.
At least one person — who would hold my hand, build sandcastles with me, play card games, watch cartoons together… at least one person would've been enough.
But… that's all my fantasy. It can never come true.
Still… I try every day to live beautifully.
But for whom? Isn't it the people around you who make your life feel like heaven?
And around me… there's no one.
Like this bench—where only I sit—whispering peace without a scream.
The words are silent. The wind flows softly… it looks like rain is near.
But I sit still, lost in thoughts.
"Where am I going? What will be my last destiny?"
Mother called me yesterday. She asked if I was ready to marry the guy she chose.
"He's good, rich… a perfect office guy for you, Mimi."
But I didn't answer. I said neither yes nor no.
It was the first marriage proposal I ever received.
Mom's eyes—filled with silent pressure—told me to settle down.
"It's time to move on… build a future."
But if I really wanted marriage, wouldn't I have already done it?
There's something inside me… hesitation, maybe fear.
What if I'm not enough? What if I'm wrong for that life?
What will I do?
What can I do?
Do I live the life my parents want for me… or remain single for the rest of my life?
"Why are you wetting yourself like this?"
A deep voice came from behind.
I turned—
He stood there, his eyes locked onto mine.
It was Tej.
His hair was messy, dripping wet.
He wore a simple shirt, soaked through.
Rain was still running down his face…
He had been standing in it for a long time, it seemed.
We entered my apartment in silence.
I handed him a soft blue towel.
He held it for a moment, staring, then slowly dried his hair.
"You can change your shirt," I said quietly. "There are a few oversized T-shirts of mine."
He took one without hesitation.
I didn't know why he came.
I didn't ask.Not after everything that happened between us.
After the way he treated me that day…
I was still upset.
I bent down to arrange everything.The papers scattered on the floor. My clothes.
Random things lying around the hall.I gathered it all, went to my bedroom, and placed them behind the table.
When I returned to the hall—
He was changing.
I stopped at the doorway, then quietly stepped back.He was wearing my dull-colored T-shirt.
Strangely, it suited him.The one I bought from a local market but never wore.
It was new… and now, it was his.
I walked into the kitchen and started making tea.
"When the rain stops, I'll leave," he said behind me.
I turned off the stove, poured the tea into a cup, and handed it to him.He took it, his fingers brushing mine for a second.
He looked into my eyes.
I looked away.
"You live alone here, right?"He asked casually.
He already knew the answer.So why ask?
Just to break the silence?I didn't respond.He must have seen the frustration on my face.The silence inside me.
Still, he kept looking.
"I saw you that day," he said.
"You were smiling with a man. I don't know who he was, but I felt… something.I don't know what it was.Maybe… I don't even want to know."
"Why did you come here?"I asked, finally meeting his eyes.
"To…"He looked at me. Then closed his eyes for a second.
When he opened them, he stepped a little closer.
A few inches between us.He glanced at my lips, then back at my eyes.My heart was racing.Then—he moved back.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Like something stopped him.
Like something always stops me."It's late… we should sleep now," I said.I turned around and walked to my bedroom. Closed the door behind me.
The night was quiet. I could hear the soft sound of raindrops hitting the window, mixed with the low growl of thunder in the distance. Then, suddenly, the lights went off. Darkness settled into the room like a blanket. I didn't sleep at all. My eyes stayed wide open, staring at nothing, but my mind wouldn't stop spinning.
Thoughts kept creeping in. What if…
What if we got close?
What if we kissed each other?
What's actually stopping us from being together?
I know Tej feels something. I know it—because I feel it too. But we never speak about it. We don't dare. We don't have the courage to say the words out loud. We don't have the courage to promise each other anything. Not to hold hands. Not to trust. Not even to hope.
Maybe because we both know love isn't easy. Relationships aren't easy. Maybe we're afraid we'll mess it up. Maybe we're afraid we'll fall short—fail to love each other enough. And that fear… it's eating both of us from the inside. Quietly. Constantly.
******
Am I seriously going crazy? What am I even doing? Am I really that stupid? Thank God I came back to my senses before I kissed her. She's lying in her room now… maybe with the door closed. Is she afraid of me? What must she be thinking right now? That I'm a bad person? That I crossed a line I shouldn't have? Maybe she's right. Maybe I did.
And the truth is—I already knew she had someone else. I saw her smiling with him. So why did I even let myself get pulled in like that? Why did I think… for even a second… that I had a chance? That I could lose myself in her?
I light a cigarette, and the smoke slowly fills the hall. The night feels unusually heavy, pressing down on me. Why did I even come here? I don't fully know. What dragged me here tonight? Was it because I missed her that much? Was it just the urge to see her face again—up close, even if just for a moment? I honestly don't know what's going on with me anymore.
The light came back. I slowly scanned the entire apartment. It was empty… almost too empty. She's really a different kind of girl. There was no decoration, no unnecessary stuff—no flowers, no stickers, none of those trendy things you usually see. Just one sofa and a TV. That's it.
Even the shoe rack had only three pairs of shoes. The apartment looked cheap—just one small room, a hall, and a kitchen. The air inside felt heavy, suffocating. It seemed like sunlight rarely entered this place. How does she survive in here? It's so different from her childhood home. This space feels dark, almost negative. Even a person full of light could easily fall into depression here.
I noticed her keychain near the door—the one that says Home. Maybe she misses her home a lot, but never shows it. She's actually really brave. Living alone in this city isn't easy, especially for someone like her. But she's managed everything quietly, without complaints. I admire that about her. I really do.
…Hell, what am I even thinking?
And why the hell can't I sleep?
But I felt relaxed here after meeting my brother, Gaurav. Should I go back there? But the work here… Maybe I should go back, pack my stuff, and come back here! How long have I lived in someone else's home? After all, my pain will never truly fade, no matter how hard I try to erase it.