The weekend passed without me even waking up properly in bed.
My apartment stayed dark the whole time not a single ray of sunlight made it inside. The lights were always switched off.
I stood on the balcony, yawning, staring outside.
There was no chaos. The street was silent.
Even the homes nearby seemed unusually quiet.
Only the sound of birds reached me… mixed faintly with the occasional honk of a vehicle passing by.
I grabbed a mug of coffee and took a sip, the familiar bitterness grounding me. I always drink coffee here, straight from the machine. Back home, though, things would be different Mom would probably be in the backyard, washing clothes under the morning sun, Dad seated in the hall watching the news, and my brother off at college.
This weekend is their wedding anniversary. I've promised myself I'll go home, at least for two days Saturday and Sunday. Just as that thought passed through my mind, a loud knock echoed on my apartment door. I walked over and opened it, and the moment I saw who was standing there, I froze. It was Tej. I stood still, shocked, not even able to form a question. Before I could say anything, he silently extended something toward me. In that instant, I understood Mom must have sent something from home.
He didn't enter inside just handed it to me and walked down the stairs. I stood silently, watching him without saying a word. Why did he come here? Is his office nearby my apartment building? If that's true, I'll have to ask my mom. But… what if she starts doubting me? It feels awkward to ask something like that especially for someone like me.
I placed it on the table and walked to my balcony, watching him on the street. His hands were in his pockets, his head lowered, like he was watching his own footsteps. I kept watching until he disappeared between the buildings and homes.
I took a deep breath. Why didn't he say anything? Am I nothing to him? How casually he came and left… like air. Do I mean nothing to him?
How did life bring me here? To a place where I don't belong. To a place I never wanted to stay. Everything around me just exists nothing feels special… nothing means anything. A blank page where maybe God forgot to write… or maybe, I just never learned how to write on it.
The bag kept looking at me… like it was quietly asking me to open it, to check it.
On the outside of the bag, there was a beautiful piece of embroidery a flower crafted from many threads, blended with a few soft colors. It looked lovely.
My mom's hands are good at such craft. I still remember how she used to knit sweaters for Babu and me when we were kids.
Now, she still knits… but only for herself and dad.
Because Babu has stopped wearing the sweaters she makes.
Still, she keeps knitting for me.
I do wear some of them at home, but I never bring them with me.
Maybe she knows we feel a little shy wearing her handmade sweaters outside… maybe it hurts her a little too, but she never says it.
While waiting for her call, I ended up lying down on the sofa.
I had just dozed off when a loud knock on the door startled me awake.
I opened my eyes. The room was dark.
It was already around 8 PM.
Siraj had already left after the deal… and night had spread its quiet legs across the room.
I picked up my phone.
"Yes, Ma?"
From my sleepy voice, she immediately knew I had just woken up.
So she asked, "You were sleeping for so long? Did you cook anything?"
I took a deep breath and replied softly,
"No Ma… I'll just order something from outside."
"You shouldn't eat from outside too much," she started.
Her health talk began how oily it is, how they cook carelessly, how you should at least make something simple at home…
And like always, I just kept saying "hmm… hmm…" while she kept talking.
And then… she asked about Tej.
The same Tej who had brought me the bag.
"I got the bag," I said quietly.
"There's some pickle and snacks inside," Ma replied, her voice gentle. "I just made them this morning."
And just like that, my thoughts drifted back to him.
I had worked so hard to stop thinking about Tej…
and now, suddenly, Ma had brought his name up again.
"He dropped it off," I murmured, barely above a whisper.
In the background, I could hear Papa saying something—maybe asking her to get some vegetables.
Ma got distracted, and as she ended the call, she said softly,
"Okay, make sure you order something on time and eat properly. I'll call you tomorrow."
And with that, the call ended.
I just sat there, still holding the phone.
Still.
Thinking.
Just thinking
About what?
Sometimes, we don't even realize what we're thinking about.
We just keep replaying the same thing… over and over.
Like a memory stuck in a loop
the tiny details, the way someone looked at us, the words they said,
the silence in between.
We do it to comfort ourselves.
To convince our hearts that the moment hasn't passed yet.
That we're still there,
still living it,
still feeling it… right now, in the present.
I was doing the same
with Tej's memories.
That one minute
when he came to my door,
handed me the bag,
and left.
Just that one minute…
felt more precious than hours.
I stretched that single minute into thirty in my head,
living it again and again
word by word, glance by glance.
The night we stood talking at the door,
beneath the stars.
The time we walked side by side in silence.
I was reliving it all.
Every second I spent with him…
I was holding onto it,
like something fragile I didn't want to lose.
Again, the night passed by… with me lost in my memories.
You could say I spent the night with him
talking to him, imagining him beside me,
turning him into my invisible man.
I kept asking his version of him,
"Did you ever feel something for me?"
A thousand times… maybe more.
And every time,
his answer was the same.
Nothing.
Just a silent smile.
That smile
not the happy kind, but the one he wore in real life.
The fake one.
The one I wear too.
Maybe that's what drew me to him.
That quiet sadness behind the smile.
That familiar way of pretending we're fine.
That's why I wanted him.
That's why… I still do.
They say opposites attract, but for me, that's never been true. I'm drawn to a different version of myself the version of Tej. He's just like me: lonely, sorrowful, pretending to find joy, a lost soul wandering in silence.