A confession. A curse. A question. A scream in writing. Dear God, Or Universe. Or Whoever. Or Nothing.
I don't know what to call You anymore.
You used to be "Father." Then "Helper."
Then "Silence." Now, You're just a question I'm too tired to ask again.
I'm not writing this because I want something. I've learned You don't respond to begging. And even if You do, it's always after the fire. After the hunger. After the loss. After the damage is already done. So, no. I don't want anything. I just want to say a few things before I lose what's left of my mind.
I am tired. Not just physically, though my body feels like borrowed furniture. I'm tired of trying. Of hoping. Of dragging myself through every day like I'm in a race no one asked me to run. You know, I used to pray with so much passion. I used to believe my words would change things. That I was planting seeds. That if I just held on long enough, You'd show up. But all I got were delays, rejections and silence. Are You there? Or did You leave a long time ago? I've fasted. Tithed. Sowed. Worshipped. Believed. I did everything right.
And still, nothing. Meanwhile, the people who cheat, lie, scam, and sell their souls?
They rise. They eat. They sleep well.
They smile on Instagram. And You—if You're up there—You let it happen. Why?
Why do You give the loudest voices to the most heartless people?
Why do You keep watching me sink, when You could just lift a finger?
Do You even remember me?
Or was I a glitch in Your creation? A typo You never bothered to correct?
Sometimes, I want to stop believing in You altogether. But I can't, because if You're not real, then what the hell have I been fighting for? So here's what I'll say:
If You exist—say something.
Not through a billboard or a vague scripture.
Say it clearly. Loudly. Directly.
Because I'm done decoding parables.
If You don't exist, then fine.
At least I'll know I'm not mad.
At least I can finally stop waiting.
But until then, I'll keep doing what I always do. Wake up. Survive. Sleep. Repeat.
Not because I want to. But because I'm too stubborn to die.
—ADAOBI