Where did I keep all the coal?
Does coal in this world have the ability to walk? Maybe I just forgot where I kept my coal. Yup. I forgot it. I forgot it and I definitely did not use it all up to make explosives. Maybe I might be able to find a piece of coal- at least one, if I search my entire house.
"Nigga, do we really need coal right now?"
"Mm." I nodded.
"What business do we even have with coal though? It's only for adults y'know."
"Mmm." Was he saying something?
"If it's going to take a long time, can you call me after you've found it?"
"Mmmm." I think I kept one above the door frame. By the way, I think Baldy is saying something.
"I thought I'd get to see Ghaf who is next in line to become the Leading Guardian, I heard he personally trains you. I hope I'll get to see him up close at least once. Anyway, bye bye, Nigga. I'm going home- it's almost night time already."
"Mmmmm?" The heck did you say Baldy!?
I turned around to slap his toe for being disobedient. But then I saw his face which was swollen and full of scars. That dude called Kamik really chewed this guy up.
Uff… Now I feel bad for him.
"Listen, Baldy. This is something veeeery very important. So be patient, I think I know where to find some charcoal."
"O-okay…" Baldy replied.
The last time I saw coal was when I tried to craft some explosives in my garden, maybe I'll find some there.
I headed to the small private garden which was attached to my house. I was greeted by my chicken who I named 'Honey Glaze Barbecue'-- nicknamed 'Barbecue'. When I say 'greeted', I mean he tried everything in his power to kill me. Homie thinks I don't have the ability to hit him back just because I'm concerned that beating him with my semi-barbaric strength might kill him. I have other plans for Barbecue-kun, so I can't kill him now.
Ignorant little Barbecue- I thought, as I made my way to the end of the garden. My goat named 'Kebab' was choking on something. I shoved my hand into his mouth and pulled out whatever was troubling him.
It was a piece of charcoal.
"Good job, Kebab!" I gave him a carrot as a reward.
Kebab was given to me by elder Anzu after I taught him a few insults and swear word combos to use on elder Zan-Ti. Elder Anzu also taught me some zaryûn techniques. But Kebab's performance was disappointing because it refuses to mate with other goats --which means lesser meat– and it also does not give milk.
I used the piece of charcoal I found to write the recipe of Parmesan cheese on a piece of parchment. It took a while for me to finish writing it, because I didn't remember the recipe that well. I also made sure to write about what to do with the whey byproduct of cheese making, some for protein powder and rest Brunost cheese.
(NOTE: "whey' is the byproduct liquid left after the milk cordless. Protein powder is made when all the water in the whey liquid evaporates. … is a less known type of cheese that is made by heating the whey liquid until it becomes thick, and then left to cool down in a container- it has a naturally sweet taste.)
Wait a minute… doesn't Parmesan cheese take months to ripen?
I totally forgot about that. Waiting for months isn't an option as I had planned to escape from this village when they assign me to patrol the outer ring of the village. These barbarians can find someone else to play their chosen fantasy. If I stay here, they'll make me the Leading Guardian when the time comes. I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life guarding this village, not to mention that they'll make me lead an invasion against the Kingdom of Centore because that's what the prophecy says.
Speaking of Leading Guardian, I wonder how Pak is doing. It's been 3 years since she became the leading guardian.
"Umm. Nigga… I can't understand what you're writing." Said Baldy.
What a pain. Even though I wrote all of it in barbarian language…
"Its just that your handwriting is unreadable."
"Were you saying something Baldy?" I asked with a smile.
"Haha…" He started sweating, "I didn't say a-a-anything. It must have been the wind."
Oh I sure didn't hear anything. It must have been the wind.
That was sarcasm.
***
Baldy might be strong but he was dumb, so I had to go over to his house and show him how to prepare cheese. I also demanded him to deliver me half a litre of raw milk everyday, because drinking raw milk is based.
It was late into the night by the time I taught Baldy how to prepare cheeses. I still hadn't eaten anything- I needed food ASAP. I usually don't eat anything after sunset but fighting Kamik took a toll on me and I needed to heal before that fool challenges me to another duel.
Of course I don't plan on fighting him. I had decided to play hide and seek for the next two days, after that will be one week of safety because I'll be on ring patrol. I've even developed this highly stealthy cardboard box that helps me sneak around undetected- its a pretty solid tool.
The first thing I saw when I stepped into my house was my goat Kebab eating the blueprint for a hidden blade weapon that ejects from the wrist- it took me 7 hours to make that.
"Dear Kebab, maybe you don't really need to be a kebab. I'm hungry and frustrated- just grilled meat would do."
I grabbed the tomahawk axe that was stuck to the wall. I had used it to kill a mosquito yesterday and hence it was stuck to the wall- how convenient, it was at the right place at the right time.
"Let's see if looking cute makes you tastier when you're rolling over a fire."
Kebab turned its head towards me and looked me straight in the eyes.
Maaaa?
"youre gonna talk back, huh?" I raised my axe.
Maaaahehehe~
What the heck was that?
Kebab gave me an ominous look. She was always a weird looking goat but the look on her face looked weirder than a certain dancer who changed his face through plastic surgery and had to replace his fake nose everyday– now that's creepy.
Before I could move a finger, something mercilessly slammed into my abdomen. My breath left my body before my feet left the ground. It was Kebab, it dashed towards me at the speed of sound. Kebab's dashed pushed me upwards diagonally. My head brutally tore through the roof of my wooden house– I might have lost a brain cell or two after that blow to the head.
"Aaaarhg!-"
I spat blood.
Before I knew it, I was airborne with Kebab still pushing at my abdomen. I couldn't shake him off. Were goats in this world always this GOATED?
Wosh!
Wosh!
Wosh!
This crazy nigger was violently kicking even as we were airborne. Each kick made a noise that sounded like the tearing of the sound barrier around it's legs.
My head spun. The whole world spun.
Did breaking through the wooden roof with my head cause shards of wood to penetrate my skull? Because I'm seeing stars.
I was wrong, about wood entering my skull, but I really could see the stars shine in the night sky move-- actually, I was the one moving at a high speed. Whenever Kebab kicked the air– it was accelerating.
Gravity was probably eating popcorn while enjoying the sight of some schizophrenic goat trying to kill a human hated by luck.
Damn it! I'm losing consciousness- I can't breathe. The altitude is… too… much…
I started attacking Kebab's skull with a downward elbow, I tried to knee kick it as attacking it from below can hit more vulnerable spots. But my legs generated little to no force as my foot wasn't on the ground.
The best I could do was swing hammer fists at it like a mad man. My muscles were getting numb with each swing.
I'm… losing consciousness…
After a certain point, my brain couldn't process anything. Who'd be able to think straight if they are speeding towards the freezing night sky due to an autistic goat named 'Kebab' who's trying to rip through their gut?
The crazy nigger stopped kicking after a while. We separated mid-air as gravity slowly started to pull. The fall started to grow faster with every heartbeat.
No… I don't want to die like this. There has to be a way. Maybe some zaryûn magic that elder Anzu taught me could do something.
Surviving a fall such as this might be easy for an adult barbarian. Even a barbarian of my age might survive the fall even if it might cause him or her a leg injury. But I'm no barbarian, and even if I miraculously survived, I'll be landing somewhere outside the outer ring of the village which might be a fate worse than falling to death.
!?
I saw something speeding towards me from the ground, tearing through the towering trees of this notorious jungle.
For a second I thought it was Kebab.
If I'm gonna die, I might as well do everything in my power to take you down with me!
I pulled a stone from my pocket, it had a 'zaryûn' rune on it.
'Zaryûn' was like mana for barbarians. Disappointingly, it can only be used to perform nature related magic, its power outcome increases when used in places deeper into the jungle. Barbarians are restricted to use it before reaching the age of 13– like hell I'd wait to turn 13, I learnt it in secret and from elder Anzu who traded information in return for zaryûn lessons.
I'm far above the jungle, the power output is going to be weak.
What I thought was Kebab got closer, and just as I was about to activate the rune–
"Chosen One? What are you doing here?"
It was Ghaf. He was probably on a mission assigned by the elders. He was busy all the time as he was next in line to become the Leading Guardian.
The fall felt endless, I was so high up in the air that I could see the entire jungle- it was at the size of a country. It was daunting, but I did get to scan for the safest and quickest way out.
Ghaf caught me and landed safely, making a height such as that look like a child's play.
"Chosen One, can you hear me? Chosen One? Chosen Oooooooone!?"
"Ghaf, I'm alive. So stop shouting into my ear."
"What happened, Chosen One? What would you be doing outside the outer ring?"
"The food is fighting back." I replied in a cold tone. It didn't sound ridiculous to me after all the nonsense I've been through. "Also, can you put me down, I can stand."
"The food is… fighting back?" He repeated.
Dushhh!
Ghaf and I turned towards the noise of a thunderous crash at the same time.
Dushh
Dush
Maaaaa!
Something was heading our way.
I can see where this is going.
It was Kebab. It was charging in my direction like a land slide while snapping the trees, grinding the rocks and ripping through the jungle while screaming as if it was possessed.
Maaaaahehehehehehheee!
Even the legendary Ghaf froze in fear.
I've heard of 'wolf in sheep's hide', but never 'devil in goat's hide'.