I'm not sure when things got out of hand. But one evening, stuff shifted - no way to undo it. I'd pushed myself to seem okay. I'd pushed myself to erase it all. I'd pushed myself just to act like everything was fine - yet this time, things felt off. That evening, though, it wasn't the same.
It was late, yet the house stayed silent. Mom already headed to bed. I sat in my room reading, though focus slipped away. My heart pounded while sweat built up on my palms. Then came a light tap at the door. I recognized his voice right away. Still, I hesitated - yet a pull stronger than fear pushed me forward.
He walked in, giving a quiet smile. Then he mentioned wanting to chat. I gave a nod - my words stuck in my throat. Taking a seat nearby, his gaze rested on me without moving. I felt my face heat up. Then my stomach turned weird. I tried to step back, yet nothing happened. Everything just locked in place.
He wondered how my day went. In a quiet tone, I gave an answer. Then he smiled, saying he felt proud of me. Thanks came out - my voice wobbled though. His fingers touched mine, taking hold gently. Part of me wished to move back... still, I stayed. My heart raced like it might burst. Yet I couldn't make a single noise, though I tried.
After that, outta nowhere - he moved in. His face got nearer. Then warmth on my skin where his mouth touched. Everything inside me locked up. Thoughts going no no no. Yet nothing responded. Not a single muscle. I felt mixed up, afraid - plus some odd feeling I couldn't name. My chest thumped while moisture filled my eyes.
He murmured things would get better. Yet he admitted he regretted scaring me. Though I started explaining my fear. But I attempted to step back. Then his lips touched mine. Everything froze around us. I couldn't stand who I was. He made my skin crawl. My legs begged to bolt. Tears built up inside. Still, nothing worked. Not a single muscle obeyed.
From then on, things changed overnight. Sleep wouldn't come. Food lost its taste. Acting like nothing happened? Impossible. My mind stayed stuck on the event. Telling myself it was bad didn't help. I kept thinking this wouldn't repeat. Yet here we go again. Whenever he showed up nearby, my stomach tightened - fear crept in, unease followed, mixed with a weird feeling I couldn't name.
The days that followed hit rough. Still, I acted like it never went down. When he spoke, I grinned anyway. His dumb jokes? I chuckled on cue. Around the house, I pitched in wherever Mom needed. Yet deep down, something just cracked. I couldn't talk to nobody. Not even my mom. My buddies? Forget it. That hidden thing - was slowly tearing me up.
Sometimes I thought about leaving. Other times, shouting out loud. There were moments I wished to push him - make him quit it - but I stayed still. I couldn't move. It was like being stuck in a corner. Fear crept in. Shame followed right after. Blaming myself didn't help at all. He's the one who put that weight on me. Vanishing seemed easier than facing any of it.
That day, around late hours, I stayed inside my space sobbing low. A knock came - then he walked in. Tried to shoo him off, though nothing moved. He plopped down nearby, arms wrapping tight. I sobbed against his shirt. In my head, I said it's messed up. Swore it wouldn't go down like that anymore. Yet whenever he glanced my way, that shaky thrill hit all over. My gut twisted while my pulse spiked. I felt like yelling out loud. Thought about bolting away. I just couldn't do it.
School felt rough. Instead of paying attention, I'd watch classmates or chat with staff. Jokes flew around, games popped up now and then. Yet once I walked through the front door, memories rushed in - hard. Glances lingered. Hands left marks. Phrases stuck like tape on skin. No way out. Scribbling thoughts into a journal didn't fix it. Tears barely made a dent. Shutting eyes brought no rest. Nothing worked at all.
I loathed who I was. Yet despised him just as much. The hidden truth? It burned deep. While emotions stuck around - no matter how hard I tried to shake them. My flesh reacted when it shouldn't have. Though thoughts clung tighter than they needed to. Life itself felt like the one to blame.
That evening he showed up in my bedroom once more. I tried to speak up - no words came out. My throat tightened instead. Every muscle froze in place. He moved nearer, real slow. His voice dropped to a murmur, barely audible. Fear rushed through me, mixed with confusion - and another feeling I couldn't name. I felt tears roll down my cheeks. But I couldn't move. Yet I wished to escape. Or make it fade away.
Still, it kept going. By morning, nothing felt real. Something shifted hard under my skin. A quiet crack split the air. One wrong move set it all off. In my gut, I sensed - nothing'd ever line up right again.
From then on, everything changed - my gaze would slide off him like water. Touching him felt wrong, stiff somehow. Words got stuck or came out flat. A hollow ache settled deep in my chest. Guilt curled around fear, both wrapping tighter every day. Telling Mom wasn't an option - I just couldn't. I couldn't share it with a soul. Ours alone - the weight pressed down, thick and silent.
Time dragged on. Each moment I spotted him, a knot twisted in my gut. Whenever he grinned, my pulse jumped out of sync. I felt dumb for reacting like that. Blamed him just the same. I needed to sob. Thought about bolting. I wish I could fade into nothing.
Yet I couldn't let go. The truth lived in me by then. Woven into my days. Tied to who he was. Nothing could untangle it. Erasing wasn't an option. No turning around now. That first error already happened - since then, one thing after another
would follow.