PROCLAMATION
By the unquestioned authority of the Court of Arms, whose jurisdiction is broad, unclear, and self-assigned, the following shall take effect immediately, yesterday if possible.
Military service is not voluntary. Voluntariness was considered inefficient.
You will answer the call to arms. It is not a request. It is a reminder that you were already counted.
You will report to ARMY within the next hour. Late arrival will be interpreted as confusion, not refusal. Confusion will be corrected.
Upon arrival, you will be placed under arms. You will remain there. Adjustment is expected.
You will be in arms for the Court of Arms, whose judgment is absolute and whose mercy is optional.
You will bear arms into the ArmPit, a controlled environment designed to reduce variables, including exit.
You will take up arms against the enemy of the Court of Arms. The enemy is defined. The definition is irrelevant. The act is required. The outcome is not guaranteed.
You will not initiate an armistice. Peace is a procedural error.
If an armistice is proposed, you will be up in arms, executing the prescribed motions until the proposers become motionless.
You will not lose your armband. The armband stabilizes designation. Without designation, reassignment occurs. Reassignment is permanent.
Observation is continuous. Observation does not imply interest. All actions are observed.
This proclamation has already been accepted. Reading it is a formality. So it is decreed. So it will endure.
Long live the Court of Arms.