Six weeks.
Six weeks since I left the castle and started working here. It's been five long, tiresome, never-ending, yet peaceful weeks. Five weeks since the posters went up. Five weeks since I decided this is the peace I needed. Five weeks since Braggen became pseudo dad.
Even though this body has been letting me know that it will never fully be mine, I believe that I have built a slight understanding with it. It doesn't make me have dreams of Lysander as this ultimate sex symbol like it did when I first arrived in this world, nor does it make me cry as much every time that I pass that horrendously beautiful poster.
The poster of what I would probably look like if my life were different from how it was before I died, or how it is now that I have made the decisions I did.
I still cry at night, when this body allows me to cry, thinking about everything - everyone - that I have left behind. Some days I even forget where I came from, so I made a little chant to make sure I never forget that I am Diana.
I am Diana. I am twenty-seven years old, I have a master's degree in entertainment marketing, and I had a loving and selfless fiancé who I was horrible to because of my inability to see him as anything more than someone who benefitted me. It's my fault that he left, and I need to make it right. I have loving parents who I also took for granted, and when I get back, I am going to make sure that they know how much I love all of them.
I repeated this chant every time I went out to buy groceries for Braggen. I am Diana, twenty-seven and an asshole to everyone I love. I will make it right.
Every time I ate the food Braggen would make or when we would sit down at a table to take a break. I am Diana Cornejo, twenty-seven, smart, but god awful at life. I will get better at managing my time.
Every night I forgot to cry myself to sleep, or couldn't cry myself to sleep. I am not Demetra, I am Diana. I will get back home. I have to get back home.
While the days blurred together, while the regulars would get into the stupidest of brawls. Every time I would feel my name, my actual name, slip away, or when I got too comfortable with this accent, I would repeat my chant like how my abuela would read her Bible. The chant was my Bible, because it's the only way to tell that I am still me. That I still need to get back and change things there. I guess my dad was right after all. I do need these stories.
"Oi Braggen," I shouted from across the pub, "wager to play a humble game of gin rummy?"
Braggen and I had grown very close over these weeks, so much so that I had taken on his speech patterns at times, and sometimes I have had to stop myself from calling him something along the lines of "dad." Nevertheless, it felt as if my papi had come here as a guide of sorts, helping me adjust to life in this strange world with these strange and out of touch people. That comforted me at night.
The knights during the first few weeks were aimlessly looking around the town, sometimes even staring at me from afar for a bit too long, making me fear that they would discover my secret, but luckily my secret and I weren't ready to reveal ourselves just yet. They came by fewer and fewer times as the weeks went on, and that made me feel safe. But at the same time, I still felt as though I was forgetting something very important.
My instincts kept telling me to look over my shoulder when I went out on shopping runs, told me to wear the hood of my cloak in a way that completely covered my face. I jumped whenever I heard creaks at night, would double-take at anything that seemed out of place in the shadows. Almost like Lysander was stalking me day and night, and I couldn't see.
Alas, he never came, so over time, the jumpiness settled, and my nerves calmed themselves. I felt that if he didn't show up during the first couple of nights, he was hopefully never going to show up.
"You will be losing lass," Braggen exclaimed from the kitchen as he waved around his ladle with stew still on it. I chuckled before getting back to sweeping the floors, Sure is rough around the edges.
I did my chores for the day, went to the shop counter a few buildings down, and went to stop by a nearby pond I had found three weeks earlier. I found it by accident while trying to hide from the knights after they had tried to get closer to me. I hurt my leg that day, but it was definitely worth it.
And if the oceanside by the castle was majestic, then this pond was the embodiment of serene. There were no artificial sounds, just the animals and the water filling the silence as the golden hour bathed it in light.
I breathed in the fresh air as I sat down by the water's edge and took off my boots so that I could touch the water with the tips of my toes. I came here in order to clear my head, to give myself some time to think, and to "check in with everyone."
"Hi Papi," I started, "Hi, Mama. I hope that you guys are doing okay right now, and that you are eating well and not just watching telenovelas and reality tv because you're sad about me. I still haven't figured out a way to sound normal here, but at least I'm still here, right?" My throat began tightening, my eyes started watering, and my speech began faltering.
"I should've checked in more while I was there. Lo siento papá. Mama, I am going to do my best while I am here, and I promise that I am going to find my way home. I promise that when I get home, it'll be tamales everyday, not just Christmas. I want us to go to Panama to see my cousins, and go to Auntie Doreen's place in Florida. I'll pay for everything!" At this point, I was basically bawling my eyes out, and I just knew that this next check in was going to be the hardest for me.
"Oi Haki," I barely got his nickname out, and I was already crying more than I originally wanted to, "I'm so sorry baby. I should've appreciated how long you have had to live with my insincerity. To live with my selfishness. I promise that when I get back, if I can get back, the first thing that we are doing is celebrating your PhD. We are going to take that trip we were supposed to for our fifth anniversary. And I know now that I really hurt you, I know that I was always only thinking about myself, and I now know just how much you had to carry on your own to make us work... I am so, so sorry."
The snot was piling, my voice was cracking more times than I could count, and the tears kept coming. I couldn't take it anymore, my soul knew I couldn't. But I have to. And it's exhausting. I began punching the dirt, hard, and I kept punching it and I ended up screaming in a way I never knew I could.
It was guttural and full of rage, of pain, of everything that I could never tell anyone here. Because I didn't have anyone here. I screamed and kept screaming. Screaming to the point where my throat felt jagged and as if it had third degree burns. My hands, which I knew were well beyond raw and I was sure there were going to be wounds, but I kept punching the dirt until there were clear holes in the ground underneath me. I wailed until I felt this body slump with something beyond being tired. And the pond, which just seconds ago was filled with the sounds of my cries, was already engulfing it with the steady and serene silence.
My breaths were heavy, snot was filling my mouth, my eyes were swollen, and I knew that I had to get back. Braggen would begin to worry if I didn't. So I wiped my face with my hands, completely forgetting the fact that there was dirt on them, and I could taste the grit of the mud while I crawled on my hands and knees closer to the water to wash my face.
I looked at my reflection in the water: tired, dirty, broken. I looked nothing like Demetra anymore, but I didn't look anything like myself either. I was slowly but surely being swallowed by this time, these people. I was becoming one of them, and I knew it. I have to get back.
Before I could try annihilating my already non-existent vocal chords, I was washing my face so viciously, I could feel the grit scratching my- this face. But nonetheless, the water was so soothing. It calmed me, reminded me that even though this body isn't mine, the fact that I could feel the water clean and calm this skin and this body, gave me hope because I am still in here. I am still me. I am still Diana. I made sure to mentally thank God and this wonder of nature for that.
...Then, I felt like I wasn't alone. I knew, I just knew, that I wasn't alone, and even though my eyes weren't open yet, whoever was there was big.
I immediately began wiping away the water from my eyes, and when I opened them, I froze with a form of dread I couldn't even put to words.
Wide and wild red eyes.
An inhumanly big and gnarled smile.
A large, domineering presence over my tiny body that I saw in the reflection of the water.
He found me.
Before my mind could even process what was happening, I was already twisting around to face my demon, yelping out whatever my throat could muster, and scrambling backwards out of terror. I wasn't ready to face him yet. I thought I had more time. I want to go home.
But... he wasn't there.
Nobody was.
My lungs were beating themselves into my ribs, my heart was racing past the speed that was humanly possible, and yet... he wasn't even here?
It was all for... nothing?!
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
I ended up screaming again, I couldn't even tell why I was screaming this time. I knew that it was going to make my throat worse, but I couldn't help myself. I'm losing my fucking mind.
Then I got up, and that was when I finally noticed that my ass was fucking soaked. I almost growled out of pure anger, but then I remembered that if I did, I probably wasn't going to be able to talk for a while, so I didn't. I just yanked my bag with the groceries for Braggen, slipped my boots back on, and stomped all the way back to the inn. I made sure to calm myself before coming inside. I knew that Braggen might ask.
Luckily he didn't.
I ended up looking at the time-worn poster from across the table I was sitting at until I felt a tap on my shoulder. This body reacted faster than my mind again, turning around so quickly, my line of sight got blurred for a second. But luckily it was Braggen, with his cards, ready to play our scheduled game of gin rummy. I immediately relaxed.
We played for what felt like forever, I didn't care enough to actually check outside, since we didn't have a clock. I was too busy thinking, fearing, dying inside as my thoughts overpacked themselves into this fragile skull.
Braggen was winning, I think I let him win, as he usually loses. He didn't notice though, or maybe he did, I don't know, everything felt like a blur again. Like it all just lost meaning.
We kept playing. Until eventually, Braggen got so bored with winning he actually noticed that I hadn't won a single game.
"Youse alright lass," he asked. Not too concerned, just enough to tell that my head wasn't in it. I couldn't tell him though, can't tell him ever. He can never find out.
So I smiled as brightly as I could, "Yea, I'm fine. Just a little bummed I didn't win a single game tonight."
"I noticed that too," he said as he pondered the spectacle. "Maybe it's all those beers you've been having lately... No matter, I finally won, I beat you. So, how's that for an old man, ah?"
He seemed so happy, I couldn't let myself rain on his parade. "You're still an old man, Braggen. But... you did good. Bet you'll beat all the others when they ask you to play."
I chuckled, he chuckled, then he belted out more and more laughter, and in that moment, I forgot about all of my troubles and laughed along with him. It was like the universe was trying to encourage me to keep going. Keep smiling, and maybe I'll make it through. I held that close to this heart.
"Well, lass...," he started, getting up from his chair to signify that he was done for the night, "time for this old man to get his rest. You should too, the work continues tomorrow."
I got up too, having sat for far too long now. "Don't worry I will."
I was about to head up the stairs to my room when he called me.
"Diana?"
"Yea."
He paused, as if really thinking about what he was going to say before he said it.
"I once had a daughter, a strong lass she was. Could clean this whole floor in a matter of minutes I tell ya. She had this spirit to her, a light that shined so bright someone decided they needed to take it from her. From me."
His eyes began to water, and he began to scratch at his arm, which I had never seen him do before. He looked like all of the strength he usually shows just disappeared... but he continued.
"I see that light in you, lass. So I just wanted to say that you keep that light safe, yer hear. Fight for it tooth and nail. Yer a good kid." Now my eyes started tearing.
"Thank you for sharing that light with me," he said softly, and even though I wanted to look strong, I ended up running up to him and giving him a hug so tight, I thought I was going to break my arms. It was truly like this was the universe saying that I am loved, cared for, worth something. That it was okay for me to exist.
He sniffed, clearly he was crying, but he patted me on the back to let me know to let go. "Now, I'm going to have a drink, and youse go rest. We're waking up bright and early."
"Ok," I said as I started again towards and up the stairs. Then I stopped, "Braggen... Thank you for protecting me. Your daughter would be really proud of you. I know I am."
I rushed up the stairs before I could hear him crying ever so softly, and I knew that he probably felt that I was going through something. He just didn't want to interfere. I appreciated it. Thank you for sending him papá.
I opened the door to my room, and began taking off my apron... when I noticed that the window was slightly open. I confusingly looked at it as I threw the apron onto the bed, and then went to close it.
That was when I heard.. breathing?
I thought nothing of it though, but then I felt that same feeling I did at the pond.
I'm not alone in here.
I didn't know whether or not to believe that instinct, since it didn't seem to be real at the pond. I must be going crazy.
Then I saw them. Right in the darkest corner of my room nearest to my bed.
Two blood red orbs shining brightly in the darkest part of my room.
I held my breath as I felt all of the blood drain from this face, while the rest of this body started heating up.
Then a smile appeared just below them. I was frozen in both fear and ecstasy. I think the universe just hates me.
"Hello Demetra," the voice calmly said from the dark as I took a step back, "I could smell your stench from leagues away."