One night, Abdullah and his family went to Limerick to visit his dad's friend's house.
Abdullah didn't have much to do. He wandered around aimlessly, checking his phone, pacing a bit, then sitting down and getting back up again.
"Dad, when are we heading home?" he asked.
"Soon."
That didn't help.
Eventually, out of boredom, Abdullah pulled out his phone.
"Hey Agim, wanna play a game with me?"
"Alright, sure."
"This one's good. I already played it before though."
The two started playing Roblox together. At first, it was normal—just messing around, progressing through the game.
But then Abdullah noticed something.
The progress that had taken him days to reach…
Agim reached in about ten minutes.
Abdullah paused.
"Bro, you're fucking cheating. How the hell did you do that?"
"I swear I'm not. Just get better at the game."
They kept playing. Abdullah kept watching.
Still didn't add up.
Eventually, Abdullah was about to leave the game when Agim spoke again.
"Yeah… some guy gave me an overpowered pet. That's why."
There was a pause.
Then—
"HA! I KNEW IT!" Abdullah exclaimed.
Agim burst out laughing.
A couple days went by.
Dropped to school. Picked up from school.
Again. And again.
One day, on the car ride back, Abdullah sat staring out the window, fidgeting with his rubber.
His mom and brother were talking about a maths test.
"Abdullah, what'd you get on your test?"
"No test," Abdullah replied bluntly.
"We all have different maths classes, Mom. He's not in mine," Ali added.
Abdullah went quiet again.
"Hey, what's wrong?" his mom asked.
There was a pause.
"I'm tired."
Another day, Abdullah was standing in school, not really doing anything, just looking through his bag.
Out of nowhere, a guy shoved him.
Abdullah looked up.
White collar.
Senior cycle.
No reason.
His mind snapped.
You stupid piece of shit… who the fuck do you think you are… do you wanna die… I'll fucking kill you and everyone you fucking know you asshole—
"Watch yourself."
The words slipped out before he could stop them.
The guy turned.
"Huh?"
Abdullah went silent, looking away like nothing happened.
His heart slowed.
What the hell is wrong with me…
Another day.
History class.
Abdullah sat there, half-listening.
The teacher talked about all the ways people were killed throughout history.
Something about it stuck.
Abdullah's mind wandered.
What way would I want to die?
A human can die in so many ways… we're actually pretty fragile compared to animals… drowning… falling from a height… blood loss… disease… fatal wounds… excessive blunt force trauma…
He paused.
Man… I'm so fucking weird.
Then the teacher moved on to gladiators.
Something about that felt different.
Dying in battle… in glory… that'd be nice.
Dying protecting someone would be cool as well.
Later that day, Abdullah texted Cassie.
"yo today we learnt like all this really cool stuff in history"
"Oh really that's nice what you learn"
Abdullah went on, explaining everything—the Romans, what they did, how brutal it all was.
"ok please just stop i think im gonna be sick"
"sorry"
"its ok abdullah"
Another day, Abdullah was at home.
For once, he left his room.
He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
"Huh… pineapples."
He grabbed the can and tried to open it.
It wouldn't budge.
He pulled harder.
Then—
It snapped open.
But with it—
A chunk of skin from his finger.
"Ouch."
Abdullah grabbed his hand.
Blood started pouring out.
"shit… that's a lot of blood. And over something so stupid…"
He stared at it.
"Crazy how something so small can leak this much…"
Drops hit the counter, spreading from where he'd yanked the can open.
If I lose enough of this stuff… that's it…
He paused.
Just watching it.
Such a beautiful colour.
He let out a small laugh.
"What the hell is wrong with me…"
His mom walked in.
She froze.
Then panic hit instantly.
"WE NEED TO GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW!" his mom said.
"No, it doesn't even hurt like that bad… just a little. It's just a minor cut, it'll heal on its own."
It didn't.
In the end, Abdullah needed three stitches.
A couple days later, Abdullah was walking back to his house with Tomek.
"Man, you know Ella, yeah? Like listen—she and me were both born 2011. Like we're literally the same age. She's just first year and I'm second year, that's it. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Yeah, there isn't. What are people saying?"
"Yeah, like they're all calling me a pedo and ###. And like all these first years being so annoying."
"I mean, it's just your choice, man. Whatever's worth it for you. Like you'll have to deal with this ###, but if she's worth all the trouble, go for it. Just do what makes you happy."
They kept walking.
Then some random guy started shouting at them.
"Good boy!"
Abdullah turned.
Something in him snapped again.
He started walking back toward the guy.
Tomek grabbed him.
Abdullah looked at Tomek's face.
The fear in his eyes.
"Just let it go," Tomek said.
Abdullah stopped.
He calmed down.
They walked away.
"That's Alex. He's the youngest member of the gang he's in. He's like Ella's ex, so he keeps saying bullshit to me. Just leave him be, it's not worth it."
But in Abdullah's heart
All he wanted to do was go back there and make his face unrecognisable.
Why do I keep thinking like this…
"You're right. He's not worth the trouble," Abdullah said.
Another day.
Abdullah lay flat on his bed, his phone beside him.
"I'm so tired."
He looked at his finger, still healing.
Why did I not feel anything…
What's up with me lately…
His mind drifted.
The hallway.
Alex.
The anger.
When did I become so angry…
When did I become like this…
What's happening to me…
What if I lose control one day…
He stared at the ceiling.
"I need someone."
He picked up his phone.
"Cassie can i talk to you about something"
"yea of course anything"
"i keep getting these thoughts like i get so angry for no reason like I'm scared. I'm scared I'll end up not thinking clearly and I'll hurt someone"
"you haven't hurt anyone yet though despite the thoughts"
"yea but i might end up hurting someone one day"
"that's not you though that's just your emotions you can learn to deal with it your a good person at heart your not the type to hurt anyone"
"i don't feel good though. i don't feel like a good person. i don't think i matter like it doesn't make a difference whether I'm here or not"
"you do matter though you matter to me. and even if you don't believe it or feel like it you are a good person in my eyes"
Abdullah paused.
Then—
He teared up.
"why are you so good to me i don't deserve to have someone like you in my life. I'm just a burden alright like you don't need someone like me in your life ill just make everything worse and fuck everything up. Cassie i think about killing people in cold blood like I'm going fucking crazy by the day and i don't know why. what the hell do i have to live for. it just my life doesn't feel worth living. i just keep thinking about killing myself."
"you do deserve it alright to be treated good and I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. and your never EVER gonna be a burden to me alright i don't care about you fucking shit up or making thing worse alright you care so much and your always nice to me and you give good advice and help me out. your my friend alright and I'll always be here for you no matter what i don't care. just Abdullah please i beg. don't kill yourself. we can get through it all, alright. their is stuff to look forward to. think about all the stuff you haven't done or seen. i know its not easy but please just for me."
"I'd like to see you at least once before I die" Abdullah thought to himself.
"I'm sorry Cassie about everything I won't alright"
"you better not just be saying that promise me ok"
"i mean how do you know its not an empty promise"
"you wouldn't lie to me I know you"
"your right"
"i promise you"
"you actually don't know how much that scared me" Cassie replied.
"i just don't know what's wrong with me Cassie i think your the only thing that makes me feel like living"
"everything's been so shit like things i used to be good at I'm not anymore stuff that i liked i don't find fun anymore. its not even that i feel sad i just feel nothing"
"I'll try my best alright buddy you said i make you happy right" Cassie replied.
"you do that's your specialty lol"
"alright ill stay on the job 24/7 anytime you feel like that just talk to me ok don't do that to yourself. don't ever do that"
"ill try not to. for your sake"
"thank you just do it alright for my sake"
"just keep on"
living...