(2 years and 4 months ago)
Eleanore:
The routine is a ghost that follows me. It's been three years of the same haunting rhythm, the same cold question echoing in the silence of my room before the world wakes up.
Is today the day?
Every morning, I weigh the anchor in my chest and wonder if I'm finally ready to let it pull me under for good.
I used to blame them. I used to think the shadows belonged to the people in the hallways, the ones with the sharp smiles and even sharper words. But I've realized the truth lately.
The shadows are mine.
They're stitched into my skin, part of my own reflection. If I just… deleted the person in the mirror, the trouble would stop. The world would be a little lighter without my weight holding it down.The thought of the school gates makes my lungs feel like they're filling with lead.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go.
It's a mantra, a desperate prayer I whisper into my pillow until the fabric is damp. I'm not ready to put the mask back on. I'm not ready to stand there and let them look right through me while they carve away whatever is left of my dignity.
"Got enough yet, you fucking hoe?"
The memory of the voice is a physical blow, a phantom sting against my cheek. I can almost feel the heat of their breath, the predatory way they crowd into my space. I just want to be invisible. I want to be a smudge of ink that someone finally decides to wipe away.
People talk about "reaching out." They talk about "parents." I want to laugh, but the sound would probably break me. My parents aren't a safety net; they're just another set of eyes I have to hide from.
They wouldn't help. They'd only find new ways to tell me I'm failing, new ways to make the suffocating air even thinner.I don't need help.
Help is for people who think there's something left to save. I've spent three years learning how to live in the dark, and I don't need anyone else's light. I'll walk through those gates, I'll take the hits, and I'll do it alone.
Because at the end of the day, I'm the only one who knows how this story has to end.