MacLaren's Bar
Ted entered the bar wearing the suit and sneakers.
"Suit and sneakers, a little Ellen DeGeneres vibe, but it suits you," said Barney from a table.
"I don't have other shoes because you stole them along with everything else I own in the world. Where's the truck, Barney?"
"Barney. People whose trucks I'm not holding for ransom call me Barney. I think you should call me... The Commodore."
"I'm not calling you—"
"You don't want your stuff back?"
Ted sighed. "May I please have my stuff back... Commodore?"
"No. Look, Ted, you're my brother, and you're about to become a whipped, defeated, empty shell of a man. So tonight, we're going to have one last amazing night together as brothers. It's a friend party. A special occasion between friends. A gathering of friends."
"Okay, what do I have to do?"
"It's not what you have to do. It's what you want to do. And you want to have a good time before you take Fun Ted out back and shoot him. So... first thing on the agenda: get me that girl's number."
He pointed to a waitress.
"Absolutely not."
"Mmm, too bad. Hey, hypothetical question: if I were all your stuff, would I rather be at the bottom of the East River or the Hudson?"
Ted looked at him. Then he stood up and walked toward the waitress.
"Hey, look, the world's strongest man is on TV."
The waitress turned. On the screen, Lou Ferrigno was pulling a bus with his teeth.
"He's the best."
Ted pointed at the TV. "It's live."
"Live? Are you sure? He looks pretty old."
"Yeah, it's because the TV is old."
Impressed, the waitress gave him her number.
Barney smiled. "You were amazing, buddy. Alright, next challenge."
"No. No next challenge. Look, this is my first night living with Robin. She's probably mad because I'm spending it with you."
"This could be our last hurrah, my little friend."
Lily and Marshall's Apartment
That night, Marshall was in the kitchen trying to cook. Lily sat at the table.
"Marshall, I'm going to make you the best dinner of your life. How about a... one-egg omelet with a little ketchup?"
"I guess Ted was the one who did the grocery shopping," said Lily.
"Oh, look, a microwave pizza," said Marshall, pulling out a box.
"I guess the microwave was Ted's too."
"Yeah."
"And all the towels too."
"It turns out everything useful in this apartment was Ted's."
"Everything that was a Foghat poster we bought ironically in college was mine," said Lily.
Marshall sat down beside her. "Lily."
"Yes, honey?"
"I miss Ted."
"Me too. Is it too soon to call him?"
"No, we shouldn't. I don't want to interrupt his first night living with Robin."
They sat in silence, staring at the microwave pizza.
Laser Tag Arena
Barney and Ted were at a laser tag arena, shooting at ten-year-olds.
"You know, if we win this, we get free onion rings at the Intergalactic Snack Shack," said Barney.
"What a deal. We only had to spend twenty bucks a game."
"Admit it, you're having fun."
"Maybe. I mean, it was pretty funny when that girl fell over that space barrel."
They won.
"Alright, let's go for one more," said Barney.
"I don't know."
"You know you want to."
"Alright, let's do it. But I have to call Robin real quick."
Barney made a face. "Oh, so this is how it's going to be from now on? Call the old lady to ask permission to have fun. I'll be at the Snack Shack eating our victory onion rings. Alone."
Ted called Robin. "Hey, honey, listen, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to be pretty late, so don't wait up."
"Oh, it's okay. Do what you gotta do."
"Thanks, you're the best. Love you."
"Love you too. Bye."
He hung up. Barney was watching him with a strange expression.
A Dive Bar
After laser tag, Barney took Ted to a dive bar. They sat at the counter with beers in hand.
"Hey, I gotta admit, I didn't think you had it in you, but... I had a really good time tonight. You're a good friend, Barney."
Barney smiled.
"Hey, buddy, why don't you tell me where my truck is?"
Barney shook his head. "No, I don't think so."
"Where's my truck?"
"You know why I haven't given you any of your stuff back?"
"Because you're the Admiral Idiot of the British Royalty?"
"Because you don't want it back."
Ted frowned. "What?"
"You could have left anytime tonight, but you didn't, Ted. Why?"
"Because I didn't want to go back to Robin's without my stuff."
"False. You know what I think? I think you spent a day with her and it sucked. I think you didn't like being there, she didn't like you being there, and you both realized you'd made a big mistake. And that's why you spent your first night living with Robin playing laser tag with me. And that's why three seconds ago, you didn't call it 'my house' or 'our house' or 'home'—you called it 'Robin's.'"
Ted fell silent. The words echoed in his head because they were true.
"You know what? You can keep my stuff."
He stood up and left.
Ted's Return
Lily and Marshall were on the sofa, silent. The microwave pizza was half-eaten.
"Lily," said Marshall. "Deep in the Amazon jungle, there's a type of tree that only grows around the trunk of another tree. It can't survive without it. It's supported by that tree."
Lily looked at him. "Lily, we're that tree."
"The inside tree or the outside tree?"
"The outside one."
"But Alyx moved out, and we were fine."
Marshall shook his head. "Alyx is different. She learned to be her own tree. We... we grew around Ted. Without him, we're slowly dying."
"What do we do?"
"I think we can get married, but we also have to marry Ted."
"I'm telling you right now, my dad is not paying for that wedding."
The door opened. Ted entered, suit wrinkled, eyes tired.
"Ted! What are you doing here?"
"Robin and I aren't moving in together after all."
"What happened? Didn't we decide we were ready?"
"I know. How did we get back to that again? I don't remember. Were we fighting?"
"It's all so blurry."
"The 'let's move in together' sex was pretty incredible," said Ted.
"I know. I did that thing without my hands that I usually need to do," said Lily, without thinking.
Everyone fell silent.
"Well," said Marshall. "I'm glad you're here."
Ted smiled. "Look, I know you guys are excited to have the place to yourselves until after the wedding. I mean, if it's not too much trouble..."
Lily and Marshall hugged him before he could finish the sentence.
"God, this feels so good," said Lily.
"Never leave us again," said Marshall.
Ted smiled, hugging them back. "I won't."
Down on the street, Robin sat in the driver's seat of the moving truck, waiting. She called Ted.
"Ted, are you coming down? There's a lot of boxes."
In the apartment, the three were sitting on the sofa, too comfortable to move.
"Guys, Robin is downstairs in the truck, and there are actually a lot of boxes, so maybe we should..."
"Do we have time for this?" asked Lily, pointing to the empty space between them.
Ted smiled. "Yeah. We have time."
Somewhere in the City
Barney stood in front of the moving truck (which was rented), recording a video for posterity.
"Ladies and gentlemen, in my hand I hold a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: the ten best things I would have named my truck if Ted hadn't been an idiot and returned it."
He cleared his throat.
"Number ten: 'The Winne-Bango.' Number nine: 'The Pick-Up Truck.' Number eight: 'The Ford Explore Her.' Number seven: 'The You Scream Truck.' You Scream. Number six: 'Feels On Wheels.' Number five: 'The Ride Her Truck.' Number four: 'The 18-Squeeler.' Number three: 'The Esca-Laid.' Number two: 'The Slam-Boney.' And... the number one thing I would have named my truck if Ted hadn't been an idiot and returned it..."
He paused dramatically.
"The Chevy '69."
He sighed.
"I'm sorry."
Living Room, 2030
"And so, kids, I didn't move in with Robin. And I discovered that Lily and Marshall needed me more than they thought. Or more than I thought."
"And Aunt Alyx?" asks his daughter. "Where was she?"
"Alyx... Alyx had learned to be her own tree. That's why she could be away and still be okay. But that didn't mean she didn't need us. It just meant her way of needing was different."
"And what happened to the truck?" asks Luke.
"Barney returned it the next day. Everything was inside. Even the sword."
Ted smiles.
"Because in the end, kids, real friends always give your stuff back. Even after they hijack it."
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