The Underwood was not an aerodynamic vessel. It handled like a brick, shook like a washing machine, and smelled strongly of typewriter ribbon and ozone. But it had one advantage over the sleek, corporate ships of The Publisher: It had Plot Armor.
"Hard to starboard!" The Author screamed, wrestling the massive Carriage Return lever. "We're entering the Sea of Red Tape!"
Elara Vance clung to the 'E' key as the typewriter banked sharply. Below them, the Corporate Sea churned. But instead of golden fog, the air was now filled with literal red tape—sticky, glowing streamers of bureaucracy that stretched for miles, weaving a net around the massive structure in the distance.
The High Tower.
It was a monolith of white marble and black glass, piercing the violet sky of the Void. It didn't look like a building; it looked like a tombstone for creativity. Circling its spire were halos of legal text, glowing warning signs, and a storm of sentient contracts.
"It's heavily fortified," Jen shouted, consulting her new golden clipboard (The Plot Outline). "Objective: Breach the Perimeter. Recommended Strategy: Do not read the Terms and Conditions!"
"I never read them!" Ignis roared from the Space Bar. The dragon-man was wearing the white-out bottle on his head like a fez. "I simply click 'Agree' and suffer the consequences later!"
"That is a reckless consumer habit!" Aldren Vance shouted. The Vampire Lord stood on the 'A' key, his Mantle of the Protagonist generating a perfect, dramatic spotlight that followed him even as the ship rolled. "One must always peruse the fine print! Otherwise, you might accidentally sell your firstborn!"
"Incoming!" Rex Chord yelled from the back row.
The Red Tape parted. Rising from the depths of the bureaucratic storm wasn't a ship. It was a guardian beast.
It was a dragon, but it wasn't made of flesh or scales. It was made of Disclaimer Text.
Its body was composed of millions of tiny words scrolling at high speed. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY... INDEMNIFICATION... FORCE MAJEURE... Its wings were giant legal briefs. Its eyes were glowing asterisks.
The Disclaimer Dragon.
"WHO DARES APPROACH THE ASSET?" the Dragon roared. Its voice sounded like a lawyer reading a side-effect warning at 3x speed. "BY ENTERING THIS ZONE YOU AGREE TO WAIVE YOUR RIGHT TO A TRIAL BY JURY!"
"It's a legal construct!" The Author yelled. "It attacks with binding clauses! Don't let it touch you, or it'll sue you for damages!"
The Dragon opened its mouth. It didn't breathe fire. It breathed Cease and Desist Orders.
A stream of burning red envelopes shot toward the typewriter.
"Li! Defense!" Elara shouted.
Li Wusheng stepped forward. He held up the Sphere of Unending Flow.
"I have no mana bar," Li whispered, his eyes glowing blue. "I have only... Cooldowns."
He thrust his hand forward.
"Energy Shield!"
A blue barrier appeared. The envelopes hit it and exploded into confetti.
"Energy Shield!" Li shouted again immediately. A second layer appeared. "Energy Shield! Energy Shield! Energy Shield!"
Li began to spam. Because the cooldown was 0.5 seconds, he created a tunnel of shields in front of the ship.
"I am infinite!" Li laughed maniacally. "I am a macro script come to life! Look at my APM (Actions Per Minute)!"
"He's spamming," The Author noted with a mix of pride and horror. "I made him too powerful."
The Disclaimer Dragon roared in frustration. It flapped its wings, launching a barrage of Subsections. Sharp, jagged paragraphs of text flew at them like daggers.
"Aldren!" Elara commanded. "Draw aggro!"
Aldren Vance stood up. He whipped his Mantle. The spotlight intensified, blinding the dragon.
"Hark, beast of burden and bureaucracy!" Aldren bellowed, his voice amplified by the cloak's +10 Monologue bonus. "You claim to limit liability! But can you limit... The Human Spirit?"
The Dragon paused. [ERROR: UNQUANTIFIABLE VARIABLE.]
"You are but ink on a page!" Aldren continued, striking a pose. "Whereas I am the ink that bleeds! I am the tragedy you cannot redact! I am the Clause that cannot be Severed!"
The Dragon shrieked. It focused entirely on Aldren.
"TARGET LOCKED: MELODRAMATIC ENTITY," the Dragon droned. "INITIATING LAWSUIT."
"It's distracted!" Jen yelled, checking her clipboard. "Weakness identified: The Typo!"
"The what?"
"There's a typo in its scales!" Jen pointed. "Section 4, Paragraph 9! It spells 'Liability' as 'Liabilty'! It voids the contract!"
"Elara!" The Author shouted. "Hit the typo!"
"I don't have a gun!" Elara yelled. "I have a pen!"
"Use the ship!" The Author slammed the carriage return. "Ignis! Be the projectile!"
"I am the bullet!" Ignis cheered.
Elara grabbed Ignis. "Aim for the missing 'I'!"
She spun Ignis around and threw him.
The dragon-man flew through the air, screaming. "FOR THE KEBAAAAABS!"
He smashed into the Dragon's flank, right where the text was scrolling.
CRUNCH.
Ignis bit the typo.
[CRITICAL ERROR: SYNTAX INVALID.][CONTRACT VOIDED.]
The Disclaimer Dragon froze. Its scrolling text turned red.
"Objection..." the Dragon whispered. "...sustained."
POOF.
The dragon exploded into a cloud of shredded paper.
"Yes!" Rex cheered. "We voided the warranty!"
"Brace for impact!" The Author yelled.
The Underwood dove through the cloud of paper shreds. Ahead of them, the base of the High Tower loomed. It was surrounded by a glowing blue force field.
"The firewall!" Zero shouted. "We can't breach it!"
"We don't need to breach it," Elara said. She pulled out the crumpled sketch The Author had drawn. "We use the Plot Hole."
"Where is it?"
"There!" Elara pointed to a patch of dark, glitchy static near the tower's foundation. "The secret tunnel that was 'too cliché'!"
"It's really small," Zero noted.
"Aim for the glitch!" Elara yelled.
The Author yanked the lever. The typewriter banked hard, engines screaming. They spiraled down toward the static patch.
"Everyone hold onto a key!"
The ship hit the Plot Hole.
GLITCH.
The world turned inside out. Physics became optional. They stretched like taffy, compressed like a zip file, and then...
THUD.
They crashed.
The Mailroom
They landed on a pile of mail.
It wasn't a small pile. It was a mountain. Millions of envelopes, packages, and postcards filled a cavernous room that stretched up into darkness. The air smelled of dust and adhesive.
"Is everyone alive?" Elara groaned, pulling herself out of a canvas sack labeled FAN MAIL: 2024.
"I am functional," Li said, popping out of a pile. "My cooldowns have reset."
"I landed on something soft," Aldren said. He pulled a plush toy of himself out from under his cape. "Oh dear. It is merchandise. 'Vampire Prince Plushie - Now with Kung-Fu Grip'."
"Where are we?" Ignis asked, eating a postcard.
"We're in The Mailroom," Jen said, looking at her golden clipboard. "Objective: Sort the Mail to find the Elevator Key."
"Sort the mail?" Ignis complained. "I thought this was a heist! Not a temp job!"
"It's the basement level of The Publisher," The Author said, brushing dust off their hoodie. "This is where all the feedback goes. Fan letters. Hate mail. Bug reports. They just... dump it here."
The Author picked up a letter. "Dear Publisher, please bring back the Sassy Toaster. He was the only relatable character." The Author smiled. "I liked that toaster."
"Guys," Rex whispered. "We're not alone."
From the shadows of the mail piles, figures emerged.
They were small, hunched creatures made of crumpled paper and ink stains. They held letter openers like daggers.
The Trolls.
Not the fantasy bridge trolls. Internet Trolls.
"You ruined the lore!" one hissed. "The pacing is slow!" another shrieked. "Go back to the original canon!" a third screamed.
"They are manifestations of negative feedback," Zero realized. "They live in the unread mail."
"There are hundreds of them," Li noted. "Shall I spam?"
"Save your cooldowns," Elara said. "We need to find the exit."
Suddenly, the pile of mail at the far end of the room shifted. A massive figure rose from the paper avalanche.
It was a giant, bloated creature wearing a stained tie and a badge that read MIDDLE MANAGER. It held a stamp that was dripping with green acid.
"Unauthorized Break Time!" the Middle Manager bellowed. "Get back to sorting! Quota must be met!"
"It's a Miniboss," Jen said, her Manager Senses tingling. "He controls the workflow."
"He looks tough," Aldren said. "And his tie is hideous."
"The elevator is behind him," The Author pointed to a set of golden doors guarded by the Manager. "We have to get past him to reach the Executive Floors."
Elara clipped her Retcon Pen to her vest. She looked at her team.
Li, the Cooldown Monk. Aldren, the Spotlight Vampire. Jen, the Objective Manager. Ignis, the Dragon who ate the typo. And The Author, their Dungeon Master.
"Okay," Elara said. "Let's cancel his contract."
"Jen," Elara turned to the manager. "You speak his language. Distract him."
Jen straightened her blazer. She marched forward, holding her golden clipboard high.
"Excuse me!" Jen shouted, channeling her inner Karen. "I would like to file a grievance regarding the working conditions in this dungeon!"
The Middle Manager paused. He lowered his acid stamp.
"A grievance?" The Manager blinked. "Is it... properly formatted?"
"It is in triplicate!" Jen lied. "And I demand a meeting with HR!"
"HR?" The Manager looked terrified. "No! Not HR! They have red lasers!"
"While she distracts him," Elara whispered to the team. "We flank. Li, you take the left. Aldren, take the right. Ignis... try not to eat the mail."
"I make no promises," Ignis mumbled, eyeing a package labeled 'Perishable'.
"Author," Elara looked at her creator. "Narrate us a path."
The Author nodded. They cleared their throat.
"And so," The Author spoke, their voice taking on a narrator's resonance, "The heroes moved with the silence of shadows, unseen by the distracted beast..."
As The Author spoke, the shadows actually deepened. The floor became muffled. The team vanished into the gloom, creeping toward the golden elevator doors.
But the Trolls were watching.
"They're sneaking!" a Troll shrieked. "Plot hole! Deus Ex Machina! Lazy writing!"
The Middle Manager spun around. "Deception!"
He slammed his stamp onto the floor.
BOOM.
A wave of green acid rippled outward.
"Jump!" Elara yelled.
They leaped. The acid melted the mail piles beneath them.
"So much for stealth," Li said, charging his glowing blue hands. "Time to spam."
"Attack!" Elara ordered.
Li unleashed a torrent of energy blasts. PEW-PEW-PEW-PEW. Aldren blinded the Trolls with his spotlight. Ignis breathed a cloud of white-out dust (from the bottle he ate earlier) to blind the Manager.
"You are fired!" Jen screamed, throwing her clipboard like a boomerang.
The heist was on.