"You think I did what?"
The man in the Santa suit said as Oz began interrogating him.
"Murder!"
"Murder? Me? You even know who you're accusing here?"
"Yes, I do!"
"You're accusing Santa Claus of murder?"
"You're not Santa Claus. You're, you're, who are you anyway?"
"Kris Kringle."
"No, your real name."
"Saint Nicholas."
"Buddy, I don't have time for this. Officer, can you ask the manager what this guy's name is?"
The officer who, until then had been watching over the locker, left to go find a manager.
"Victoria, do you really think I'm a murderer?"
"No, but- wait, how do you know my name?"
"You told it to me earlier."
"No, she didn't."
"Then I must have been told by the officer or something like that."
"Something like that? The mere fact you know Victoria's name tells me you're suspicious."
"Whatever."
After a bit more back and forth, the officer finally came back.
"So, the man's name is Scott Calvin."
"Scott Calvin? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Wait, I don't get it. What's wrong with the name?"
"What? You've never seen The Santa Clause?"
"I've seen two Santa Clauses today."
"No, no, no. The Santa Clause is a movie starring Tim Allen. He plays a man named Scott Calvin who becomes Santa Claus."
"So, essentially it's another fake name?"
"It's not a fake name. All these names are mine."
"Officer, ask this man to identify himself."
"What's your name?"
"Father Christmas."
"Alright, arrest him for presenting a false identity."
"You're gonna have a mall Santa arrested?"
"Yeah, if the idiot refuses to identify himself."
"Hey, maybe he's the real Santa Claus?"
"No, the real Santa Claus is sitting in jail. Now, please arrest this man and fingerprint him."
And so the officer arrested the mall Santa and we all went down to the prison, where we met back up with detective Donaldson.
"Bad news, Ozwald. The guy has no fingerprints to identify him with?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope."
"Can't you run his face through facial recognition?"
"We did that too. Didn't get a single match."
"So, as far as we know, the guy is basically John Doe."
"Yep. I've had a few guys refuse to identify themselves, but I've never seen it get to this point before."
"So now what?"
"Well, the guy won't actually identify himself, so we can't let him go."
"Good. I'm telling you, the guy is a murderer."
"Oz, can I talk to you for a minute?"
Oz and I walk over to the corner of the police station.
"Look, I don't think this guy actually did it."
"Didn't do it? The guy is giving you vibes, right?"
"Yeah."
"Which makes him an important character. If he's important to this case, either he's the killer, or he's really Santa Claus."
"I'm not saying he's Santa Claus, I'm just saying he's not-"
"Good, cause he can't be Santa Claus. Santa Claus is the guy we're trying to get out of jail."
"Can I just talk to the guy?"
"Why?"
"Because you're accusing the guy of murder without any evidence."
"The evidence is that it makes sense as a story plot."
"You can't just use your bullshit plot nonsense as evidence. Look, I think if you just let me talk to the guy, I can get more information from him."
"Fine. Go ahead. You go talk to 'Santa' and see what nonsense you get from him."
And I did just that. As I sat down in the interrogation room, 'Santa Claus' was walked in by one of the officers.
"Alright, let's start with the obvious question. What is your actual name?"
"Santa Claus."
"Listen. My boss is truly convinced you're a murderer. It would really help if you just told me your name."
"I told you already, Victoria. I am Santa Claus."
"Another thing; how do you really know my name?"
"Why, I know everyone's name."
"You really expect me to-"
"Your full name is Victoria Steiglitz."
"Ok, how do you know that?"
"Being Santa has its perks."
"You're not Santa. The other Santa isn't even Santa."
"Oh, yeah, that guy's definitely not Santa. He's not even on the nice list."
"Oh my God, would you stop with the Santa stuff."
"Do you want me to lie to you?"
"I want you to tell the truth."
"I am telling you the truth. Look, is there some way for me to prove I'm Santa?"
"If you were Santa, wouldn't you have some magical way to prove you're you."
"It doesn't work like that. Most of my magic is based on other magical entities. That's why the reindeer do the flying and the elves make the toys, and the list tells who's naughty and nice."
"What about going down chimneys and flying around the world in a single night?"
"That stuff is actual magic, but I can only do those tricks on Christmas Eve when my powers are at their strongest."
"Ok, fine. Let me think for a second."
And I sat there and thought what could this man possibly do to convince me he was Santa Claus.
"What gift do I want the most this Christmas?"
"For Oz to stop being an ass."
"Yes, but what else?"
"Hmm, Victoria's Christmas list.... Number one item is to see your family for Christmas."
How the hell would he know that?
"That's a really good-"
"It's not a guess. I'm the real deal. Now, listen closely. You need to get me out here. Otherwise, there will be no Christmas."