Magenta
You are so outdated," I comment.
He laughs at me. I mean look at him, he is wearing a flannel jacket. It's not that it doesn't suit him; I just don't like seeing him that way. Jarmine joins me, giving Harry a sour look. He looks down at himself in his phone screen.
"It looks fine, right?" he says while looking at himself there. Jarmine and I just sigh. His gaze turns to us. "You two, you are so high-maintenance just because you have been to the US."
"Well, that's just the way it is!" Jarmine snaps and rolls her eyes.
I laugh.
There is still that after-effect of being there for almost five years to study. It doesn't just disappear right away. I check Jarmine out. She is wearing a tube top and jeans. I, on the other hand, am wearing a tank top with a cropped blazer. Yes, I know Filipinos are so... conservative—and I find that outdated too.
"How is it over there?" Harry asks while his large fingers comb through his hair. Jarmine and I look at each other. "I mean, look at you two, you really look like fashionistas. Don't tell me... you are modeling there too?"
Jarmine and I look at each other, then laugh.
If he only knows what we are doing there. The memory of when we were there flashes back.
Loud music basses the whole place as I keep on sipping my margarita. Jarmine is flirting nonstop with a white guy over there. The witch is even biting her lip. I scan the dude's face. He is handsome, but he's not my type. I don't like white men. Maybe that's why I end up with him because I like guys who are a bit darker. I shake my head. Even here, you can't get him out of your mind. Move on, Rei. Move on.
I snap back to the present when Harry calls me.
"So, you are just studying, then?" he asks.
I shrug, smiling. Jarmine takes a deep breath. I know he is curious about our life there, but nothing is special. Well, there is. But mostly it is ordinary. I turn to the people seated at their tables. I scan the place. This restaurant is quite spacious. Nice choice, Harry. He knows I don't like to eat if the place isn't like this.
"Wait a minute..." Harry says, and my attention goes to him. "Is that Shan?"
I cock my head to the side. My eyes widen. It is him!
"It is Shan!" Harry continues. I immediately look away. His gaze turns to me. "What a small world for the both of you."
I roll my eyes at him. My gaze lands on Jarmine.
I completely lose my appetite now. Harry immediately pays the bill and leaves Jarmine and me because he has another place to go. Jarmine immediately comes over to me and hugs me. She knows what I went through when we broke up. She moves away immediately and faces me.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
I nod. She frowns.
"Don't lie," she snaps.
Even if I lie to her, I know she won't believe me. She has been with me for almost thirteen years. She has memorized all my moves.
"What is your plan now?"
"I don't know, Jar."
She sighs and glances toward Shan's direction. Even though we are no longer together, he still has an effect on me. That crisp flannel jacket that keeps me haunted. That is one of the reasons why I don't like to see Harry in flannel. Yes, my reason is too shallow but it is my way of coping. To abandon all fragments that could make me remember him more.
"So, what is your plan?"
I shrug.
"Rei, you can't just avoid him every time you see each other," she preaches. I grimace and sigh. "Because if that happens, you lose. He is happy, and what about you? Staring blankly in a corner?"
Yeah, maybe she is right. I glance toward his direction. He is holding a beer while talking to his friends. His side-profile is really strong. The type that is still captivating even though his outfit is so simple. Plus, that defined jawline. I hate this. Oh, God. This is ridiculous. I am still smitten!
"You need to face him, Rei."
I nod at Jarmine.
A few minutes pass before we decide to leave the place. Jarmine goes ahead to the parking lot while I wait for her by the side of the building. I fish my phone from my jeans pocket as I look down at the screen. There is a message from the Marathon Philippine Society. I know they are urging me to join again. I ignore the message and divert my attention to my social media. I am mindlessly scrolling through the screen when someone clears his throat beside me. I turn.
It is him. Shan.
"Alone?" he asks.
I don't answer. I just stare at his eyebrow.
"Should I drive you home?"
"N-no. I am okay. Thanks..."
He raises one eyebrow at me. Fuck that dashing eyebrow. I slightly look away from him; I don't want him to think I am still desperate for him. Hell no. I glance toward Jarmine's direction. Come on, Jar. Come here now. I secretly glance at him while he is busy on his phone.
We are enveloped in silence for a few minutes before he speaks.
"How is the US?" he says.
"Good," I reply.
He nods slightly and hesitantly returns his attention to his phone. I scan his hand. It is the same. His nails are always neatly cut for him. When I notice that he has noticed me, I immediately look at my phone. What the hell are you doing, Rei? Don't give this malice. I shake my head and start scrolling on my phone until I stop later when I see a photo of Shan. It is a groupie, but I am included in the background. Crap! I quickly scroll past it and pretend I am not panicking about what I saw.
Silence swallows us again. But I interrupt.
"Uh. Y-you are with the lads?" I ask.
He nods softly and shrugs. I pull my bottom lip as I divert my attention to the approaching car. Thank God, she remembers me. It slows down until it stops in front of me. Jarmine leans out to see me and signals me. I look at Shan who is typing on his phone. Probably, his girlfriend is texting him.
"I am leaving now."
He lifts his head to me. I slightly bow my head.
"Wait, Reilyn..."
I stop my steps and close my eyes.
"Can we talk?"
I heave a sigh and turn to him.
"For what?"
"About us."
I feel like there is a dagger in my throat again. I clear my throat, slowly.
"W-why should we talk about us?"
"Because I terribly hurt you."
I slightly bow my head but then return my gaze to him.
"I am busy, Shan. Maybe next time—"
"I wait for you in the Gateway House."
I slowly lay my eyes on him.
"Tomorrow..."
Our eyes lock on each other. I look away instantly and take a deep breath. It is so easy for him to talk about it because he is the one who hurt me. Terribly.
"I can't promise, Shan."
"It is okay. I still wait."
I twinkle my eyes and I nod at him, before I make my way to Jarmine's car. I immediately get in. Jarmine greets me with a worried look. I just nod and we push away from the place.
When I arrive home, I go straight to my room. My mind is bombarded to talk heart-to-heart with them downstairs. I sit down on my bed and glance at the frame on my nightstand. I frown slightly every time I think of my brother. It has been three years, but I still don't know where he is now. I shake my head, take my phone, and look at the screen.
I visit my social media.
I start scrolling when a photo catches my attention. I look at the likes. Thirty-K? What the heck? I hurry to the comment section. Oh, God. This is not good.
— OMG. Are they back together? — That must be why she came home. — No way. That is Rei Lopes. — Is she liberated now? Wow!
My brow furrows. Liberated? Woman, this is called fashion. My fingers are at the edge of the keyboard, but I stop myself. Calm down, Rei. This is not the time to engage with those kinds of creatures. I scroll through the comments. Most of them are rumors. And the fact this is just a screenshot from Shan's Instagram account makes me sick thinking about it. I read the following comments.
— She is really beautiful. — I think her boobs got bigger. — She is going to give us false hope again. — Rei is so vibrant now.
I smile at the last one I read. Thank you, sir. Out of all the people who spread rumors, someone still appreciates my beauty. I turn off the phone and throw it at the side of the bed and lie on my back while staring at the ceiling. I heave a deep breath. Shan and I are still really loud in public. I thought it ended when I left. I juggle my lips before I close my eyes and invite all darkness to shroud me in.
The next day, Jarmine comes to the house. We talk about my plan for later. To be honest, I have been thinking about it since last night. It is time we two have closure. She agrees to what I want but I feel her hesitation about it. Even me. But I need it.
I am staring at the ceiling when my phone buzzes. I lift it and read the message.
Shan: See you at three.
I pull my bottom lip as I close my phone. Slowly, I brush my face with the use of my hands.
Before three, I get dressed. It is an off-shoulder dress and jeans. I also wear two-inch heels. And at exactly three, Jarmine arrives. She even praises my outfit and I forget to say thank you. I don't know, I am nervous though. But I need this for the both of us.
"You okay?" she asks.
I nod.
She checks me out for the last moment before she drives away from the house.
A moment later, we arrive at Gateway. I don't know why he chooses this place out of all the others to talk to me. Is he taming me by using the places we used to frequent when we were together before? I shrug at the thought and look at the place again. It has been almost five years since I was here with Shan. Nothing has changed except that it is bigger now. It has double-doors too and is obviously a popular spot.
"Are you sure about this?"
"We need this, Jar."
She just nods before speaking.
"I wait for you here."
I half-smile at her.
I immediately step out of the car and walk toward the building. It is still made of glass, so I can see what is inside. I take a deep breath first before I make my way to the entryway.
"Good afternoon, ma'am," the guard greets me.
I give him a reserved smile and proceed inside. I am greeted by the lemony scent of their AC and the whispers of the people. I heave a sigh. Ignore them, Rei. I chin myself up as I walk past the bystanders who are sitting on their seats. At the end, I immediately spot his silhouette. I draw a deep breath before I proceed toward him.
"Sorry, I am late," I say as I put my shoulder bag down on the table, it makes a bit of noise. He is just staring at me. "Have you been here long?"
He nods, staring at me.
I look away. I don't know why, but I feel awkward with the way he is staring at me now. I tuck my hair behind me as I look down at him. He bows slightly and secretly glances at me before he calls a waitress. The woman immediately appears before us.
"One dark forest. No whip."
I am stunned. I see the woman nod before leaving. He still knows what I like. His eyes scoot directly to my direction that makes me feel wobbly inside. I look away and with a trembling hand, I open my bag and grab my phone. God, I hate this awkward air right now. I press the button and the home screen greets me. But my eyes widen when I see the battery life is only five percent. Great.
"So, you are with Harvey."
I crane my neck up to see him. His fiery eyes look at me.
"Yes. He met with us after finding out we are back in Manila," I answer. His scary eyes are still staring at me. "Y-you... you are with Jeric."
He nods. His eyes are still on me.
I am extremely thankful that his attention is diverted to the woman. Thank God. My breath eases slightly there. He nods to the lady after she puts my coffee on the table. She bows slightly before leaving our direction. And Shan's gaze is back at me. I can't move my feet because of the tension I am feeling now. I try to look away from him but I keep returning my gaze. While he is consistent. I stoop my head, pulling my lip.
"Rei."
The timbre of his voice makes my hair stand on end. I slowly lift my gaze until I find his eyes.
"I am sorry."
I smile reservedly and look away. I hear him take a deep breath, so I return my attention to him. He is leaning over at me, fingers meet to steeple, before he cranes his sight back to me. His eyes are clearer in my sight now. God, I am still affected by that pair of hazel brown eyes.
"I want us... to fix it."
I pull my bottom lip even deeper. He is just staring at me. It seems like his beautiful eyes will stay on me forever. I exhale, glance at the coffee, and back to him. In the corner of my eyes, I see phones raised in our direction.
"Shan, I-I don't think we can fix... us."
"I will help you, Rei. What do you want?"
You.
I curse myself for being so soft for this. We are over, all right? Over. But why does it seem so impossible to ink the word in my heart and mind? I return my gaze to him, not knowing what to say.
"I am sorry, Shan. I-I have to go."
"Rei..."
I grab my sling bag and quickly push away from him. I even see seas of paparazzi shocked by what happens. I ignore them instead and walk out of the building with heavy steps. I am about to step toward the parking lot when I notice Jarmine's car is already in front of me. I close my eyes before I make my way in her direction.
"Jar..."
She immediately hugs me when I sit down. The tears that are queuing earlier are now free from my eyes. She rubs my back while the tears continue to fall from my eyes. A moment later, she moves away from me and faces me. I ruined my make-up. She gives me a pouty look.
"It is gone. Your make-up is ruined," she says. I laugh slightly. "You shouldn't waste those tears. Look at me, no matter what happens, I don't cry because of those men."
I want to counter but I don't have the strength now. I thought it was gone, but it is still here—dormant. I pout and immediately fix myself while Jarmine is just staring at me. I know she knows that I am still in pain. It is obvious in my eyes. They are puffy.
"Do you want us to go back to the US?" she suggests.
I don't answer because I don't know what to answer.
"Oh, Rei. If I only knew this is what you would face here, we wouldn't have come back," she continues. I just frown at her. "Oh, stop crying. Beautiful women are the ones who are cried over, we don't waste our tears for them."
I smile.
"I don't know why men were even invented in the world," she adds. I just smile. "Just because they are handsome and strong, they hurt us. Well, they are so thick-faced."
I feel Jarmine. We two were heartbroken at the same time. Hers was the man who couldn't be separated from me. My cousin. I don't know where he is now. After their break-up, he flew to Canada and followed our relatives there, and hasn't returned.
"Let's just forget about those animals that are men and let's talk about your race," she says while raising and lowering her eyebrow. I immediately take a deep breath. "Rei, don't drag your passion into your heartbreak over that man. You are great at this, I am telling you. Do you know that when the whole country found out you came home, they kept on asking MPS if you will join again."
I am not good enough anymore. I am already heartbroken, and they are giving me false hope that I can make it to Tokyo.
"Rei, your past failures are nothing to your future," Jarmine urges. I am just staring at her. "Try to imagine it, if you will represent the country abroad—not just abroad but the Olympics. That is intense. SEA games don't define you, Rei. Yes, you lost, yes, but it is not too late. Who knows, you might come home with gold."
Gold. Four letters. But too far to reach.
"You are great, Rei. Just try to see from within."
I exhale. Should I? I juggle my lips.
When I get home, everything Jarmine said rolls through my mind. Yes, it is true, it is not too late. But I am twenty-five already, I might not be able to pull the track they want to see. I drop myself onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. Why does his word still have that after-effect on me? Fix us? Can the wound of yesterday still be healed? Exhaling, I snatch my phone from my jeans pocket and see the message from MPS.
Dear Reilyn Lopes, We are pleased to welcome you back in the Philippines. The Marathon Philippine Society is beyond in joy to hear you are back here again. We would like to update you the team is now preparing for the upcoming olympic. If you are interested to join, please see us at Clark International Complex. — Marathon Philippine Society
I stare at what I read. Are they not tired that I fail them consequently? I close my phone and put it on the side of my bed. I bite the inside of my cheek as I contemplate. If I join, their expectations will surely be high again. Just like what happened in Malaysia, they pressured me to bag the gold to the point that I got distracted by their pleas. Then, they were so disappointed with the result.
Is it my fault why the shine is gone from me? It is not my fault why my confidence shrank that night. Many people want to represent the country because it is an honor. Yes, it is true—it is an honor. But it feels like you are carrying the cross because of the weight of the eyes on you. I don't blame athletes why they perform poorly in the competition because of the noises that they might get after a disappointing result.
Don't think of that, Rei.
The next day, I go to my auntie's boutique. The sister of my mother. I am going to buy clothes here for the reunion that will take place next week.
"What is your body shape?" Jalene asks while checking me out. I am confused by the way she is staring at me. "You are not an inverted triangle body because your shoulder part isn't bulky. Hmm... Ah! I know now, your body shape is an inverted rectangle."
My brow furrows. I have no idea what she is talking about.
"Wait..."
I follow her gaze as she walks toward the end. She gets a dress there and then comes back to me, carrying the dress that will suit me, she says. The theme of the party is magenta. This dress she holds right now is an off-shoulder one, but the backless part is deep, reaching near my buttocks.
"This will suit you," she says as she hands it to me. I get it from her and stare at it. "You are beautiful so that will suit you. Just wear it with clog stilettos. The one with a strap."
"How much is this?" I ask.
"Ten-K," she retorts.
My jaw drops slightly.
"That is already cheap."
I glare at Jalene, and she smirks. I sigh and then grab my purse and get a card from it. Debit for my dress and credit for food.
"I will be right back."
I briefly follow her gaze as she walks toward the swiper and my attention focuses on the dress. I bet there are Swarovski stones in this dress because it shimmers even with the light. Jalene steps toward my direction, holding out the card to me. I immediately get it from her.
"Thank you, Jalene."
"My pleasure."
I palm-kiss her. She smiles.
I am about to get to the entryway when Shan walks in. My eyes almost pop out when I see him. Still, he is wearing his favorite flannel jacket that suits him perfectly. I half-bow my head and am about to make my exit when he blocks me. He is about to walk to the side when I block him. Shit!
"After you."
I half-nod and make my way out of the building. Phew! What was that? Why is he here? I glance at him as he is talking to Jalene now. I look away instantly when his sight hooks at me. I quickly leave the place and walk toward Jarmine's car. A knowing smile lingers on her lips when I get in.
"I know that look."
"What? I am just happy."
"Tsk."
"Tsk!"
I just roll my eyes at her.
When we are in the middle of traffic, she is constantly praising my dress. Even I praise the dress. Like, come on, the dress is really good. I am slightly uncomfy with the backless part but my butt won't be seen so why not wear it to the party.
"The back is too revealing," she remarks about the dress. I just sigh. "If your brother were here, he would surely scold you about it."
Oh, yeah. Always. Damn, I miss him. Where is he now? My two gorgeous men just go into the wild. I look back at the dress. If my brother were here, I know he would return this to auntie's boutique right away.
"I miss him," she says. I give her a reserved smile. "Anyway, Harry called me. There is a get-together at their house today. Wanna go?"
I shake my head.
"Then, I won't go too."
I frown at her.
Jarmine stays in the house. She will stay here for a while because my auntie isn't back yet. I agree because mommy and daddy are still in Tagaytay.
"So, what did you talk about?" she says while raising her feet onto the sofa. I am just looking at her. "Don't tell me... you are going to get back together with him."
I frown at her and then sip my juice. Jarmine, meanwhile, is munching on popcorn while still not taking her eyes off me. I know she is just concerned about me. After what happened a few years ago, her trust in men is gone. Same as mine.
"You know what? Shan looks even more handsome, right?"
I agree with her. He has become more manly now.
"No wonder why you are so stupidly smitten with him."
I glare at her. She secretly grins.
In the afternoon, we two swim in the pool while what happened earlier still is not leaving my mind. What is he doing there? Of course, he is buying clothes for his girlfriend, Rei. What else? I sigh as I make a small kick to the water as I watch Jarmine swim. I wonder, why does he want us to fix things when we are already so broken? Jarmine comes up in my direction and meets my gaze.
"Still thinking of him?"
I don't answer. She gets chips from the side and munches on them. I frown at her while she gives me a familiar look. I am about to speak when my phone suddenly rings. We look at it and look at each other. A smirk etches on her lips.
"Speaking of the devil..."
I didn't change my number just because I was hurt by him. I ignore it and it goes away later. While Jarmine gives me an annoying look.
"He wants us to fix it," I confess.
Her lips part in jest. I glare at her.
"So, what did you say?"
I shake my head. She nods softly and munches on her chips.
"I was... blank, Jar."
"Always. Tsk."
I roll my eyes.
Jarmine and I just watch a movie in the evening. But my brain is still on him. Maybe he is really hard to resist, no matter how I try. The movie ends, but I am still staring blankly. It is good that Jarmine doesn't notice it because I know she will tease me again.
In bed, Jarmine falls asleep first. I, meanwhile, am still thinking about what happened earlier. He still has that effect on me. I am in that state when my phone suddenly buzzes. I immediately get it from my pajama pocket and then look at it. My eyes widen as I snap a look at Jarmine.
Shan: Answer my calls.
I glance at Jarmine one last time before I go out of the room. I am so wary not to wake her. When I am finally outside, I respond to him.
Rei: Okay.
Only a few seconds pass and my phone rings. I immediately answer it and put the speaker to my ear.
"Hey."
"H-hey..."
I hear him breath before speaking.
"Sorry 'bout earlier."
"No, i-it is okay..."
Damn it. Why do I stutter?
"Your coffee is here."
"Yeah. I forgot it."
It takes him a long time to answer, so I go down the stairs. I walk to the sofa and sit there.
"Rei."
"Hmm?"
"Sorry..."
"It is okay."
He takes a deep breath before he speaks.
"I will talk to you later."
"Okay..."
I am about to hang up when he speaks.
"Can I fetch you for the party?"
I don't know what to answer. I close my eyes before speaking.
"Sure..."
What the fuck do I just say? I want to take it back but I have already said it.
"All right. I will see you at the party, then."
"Yeah..."
There is a moment of silence before he speaks.
"I am going to hang up the call."
"Okay."
I take a deep breath after he hangs up the call. That was the most awkward call I have had in my whole entire life. I shake my head and am about to walk toward the stairs when Jarmine appears in front of me. I jump. The witch grins.
"So, you are in the call stage right now?"
I shake my head and walk past her. She follows me.
When I get back inside, Jarmine's smile doesn't disappear. While I give her a sharp look. Every time our eyes meet, she smiles at me.
"Nothing is happening, okay?"
"Hmm... I am not asking."
I exhale.
Three days have passed, he is still on my mind. Jarmine has gone home while I am here alone. Well, not totally alone because the maids are here. But I feel alone though. When I saw him that day, I felt like my life would depend on him all over again. But I will try to resist him. I am not here for him; I am here for the alumni homecoming. Ink that in your mind, Rei.
"Manang," I call when I get downstairs. A maid immediately walks toward me. "I am going out for a while. I will be back by... ten."
"All right, ma'am."
I smile at her.
Wearing the tees I tuck into my pants, I am ready to go out. I bun my hair as I make my way to the gate. I will take a taxi for now. The driver is still busy and where I am going is near. I smile at the driver, he gives me an apologetic look before he resumes to what he is doing. I go out of the gate and walk outside the subdivision.
"Why did you come here?" Jarmine greets me when I get inside. I smile at tita who is sitting on the couch. "Oh, don't tell me... you and Shan fought."
"Are you two back together, dear?" tita interrupts.
I smile at her before speaking.
"No, not yet..."
"Ah. I thought you are."
Jarmine grins, so I drag her to their kitchen. Her smile is contagious and it annoys the hell out of me. I just roll my eyes at her and then busy myself with getting the equipment for baking. She gets some too. We crack eggs and slide the yolk into the bowl.
"Tell me about your conversation."
"Nothing special, really..."
But the witch really doesn't want to believe me. I just roll my eyes at her and continue with what I am doing. She gets busy putting the mixed liquid into the mold a moment later. Every Saturday, we have our baking session. I don't know, it has become our habit. When the mold is put in the oven, she rests her arms on the island, staring at me.
"Nothing happens. You are so insistent."
"I am really insistent..."
I roll my eyes, sighing.
A moment of intense silence envelops us before she puts down her phone and looks at me. I have had enough of her jesting stare. I grab my phone from my purse and visit my IG briefly. A photo of Shan in Bali passes by. He is with his very muscular siblings. But I don't know who the woman with them is. Is she Shan's new girlfriend?
Well, she is beautiful. Her eyebrows are sculpted and her cheekbones are perfect. The guys, meanwhile, have their own charms. One has shoulder-length hair. The other has a clean cut. And the last one has a bob cut. They look like models on a new year's calendar.
The oven dings.
"The long wait is over."
"I wonder if it is good."
She rolls her eyes at me and walks there. I smile, shaking my head, and then scroll on her IG more. Oh, Rei, what are you doing? Why does it seem like you are visiting his account now? I close my eyes and shut my phone off. Jarmine immediately walks toward me, carrying the mold.
"This is good."
"Okay, okay..."
She laughs and gets a cupcake from it and hands it to me. I get it from her hand and peel the thin paper. I bite the cupcake a little and my eyebrows go up. I have to admit, Jarmine is really good at baking. I am good at cracking eggs. At least, I have a contribution.
"I just remember. This was what you ate at the party."
I stop chewing. And the witch reminds me about it. I continue chewing and pretend I am not affected by what she says.
"He was so in love that night."
I pull my bottom lip. God, she is fucking right.