We loaded up the car with all of our gear and put the bikes back on the rack, before heading out.
Along the way back the topic of jobs got brought up again. Which I kind of figured it would eventually.
He started, "When I was your age I was still in college and working at the movie theater. It is different when you are younger girls don't expect much from you because none of the people your age have anything.
But, when you get older they start expecting you to have more and more the older you get. The comparisons really start to define expectations of relationships. You know?"
"Yep." I responded.
"When I was younger, I got a lot of pressure to get a job which forced me to get a bunch of jobs I wouldn't have taken otherwise. I really hated those jobs, and it makes me think that if I had just taken my time and found out what I really wanted to do. I probably would have ended up in a very different place."
It is moments like this that make me wonder if he is being supportive or not because the next thing he will say will probably not be so supportive.
"But, I worked hard. I always have. So I don't really have much to say about people who don't put the effort in. You know?"
"Yep." See, I knew it. It is always the same. The same support and condemnation at the same time.
He says something supportive like taking your time to find what you want to do and then slyly insults you for your lack of effort.
I logically know it is the right thing to do, but having to hear it all the time is frustrating.
However, I know I am to blame.
Because I hide my effort, I always have.
When I was a kid and I was forced to do my homework if my mom sat in front of me, I would take forever. But, the second she left to do something, I would go into hyperdrive and finish all of the homework in like 5 to 10 minutes.
I don't know why I do this. I just always have. I work best when no one expects me to be working. A character flaw I guess.
As that has translated into my adult life, I can't seem to do any work if anyone is watching. Which has resulted in a number of reprimands and firings.
I can do the work, just don't watch over me.
In fact I would probably say I am above average in intelligence since I got straight As in school without studying or even really trying. I never took any homework home once I was in high school. I finished it all in the next class so I wouldn't have to do it later.
I even did all of my projects at school.
That reminds me of a story from high school.
It is a story about a group project, where another kid and myself were paired up.
The other kid was a notorious class skipper and I was someone who wouldn't put up with that.
The teacher gave us class time to work on the projects. I used half of the first class to Foolgle stuff for the project. After that I switched to playing games on the school laptops.
I was a certified tech kid though because I used a usb to store a bootlegged game from the old hand held game system. I played a modded version of Pokeyourman where I could run super fast and skip dialog.
That way I could get as much gameplay as possible while in school.
Anyway after that, half of the first class I didn't even think about the project.
Then the day of the presentations came.
I volunteered to go first, like I always do.
While everyone else had poster boards and physical props for their presentations I had nothing. I got up in front of the class and popped open a marker, and presented for 5 mins while drawing a picture on the white board to help people understand.
When I was done I turned to the teacher and told him that I did everything by myself and that the other kid never even showed up.
Because he is not riding on my coat tails.
The only people who would complain about what I did are the losers who are incompetent and would do what that kid did. Just be a burden.
I got a 100 and the highest grade in the class. How do I know? Because the class had a group of students from another class to vote on who was the best.
The point of the story is to better put into perspective my capabilities.
I can work, and do. But I just can't show anyone until I manage to succeed. Does my family know about all of my job applications? No. Do they know about all of my searching? No. They only see the result. Me sitting at home on the computer all day.
So that is what I get judged on.
Not the hidden effort, not the companies not replying or telling me I am not a good fit.
It is just so mentally tiring having to live the way I do.
But, now I have my powers, my ability. I will make a lot of money and show off to my family. See I can do it!
With the money I will be able to make all of my family's dreams come true. Let them stop working, travel, live in the luxuries I can provide. Without being taken advantage of, of course. But, my family wouldn't do that anyway.
That is what I want to do with my money.
Well, some of it at least.
I definitely have quite a few things I want to do myself, of course. I want to really live, not just be alive.
I want to thrive and most importantly have a girlfriend, my single for life status gone for good.