Bernkastel's smile stretched, thin and venomous with sarcasm. "Lambda is not the type to be called by someone—"
The room detonated in pastel chaos. An explosive burst of konpeito and candy showered across the obsidian table, bouncing off metaphysical documents, splattering reality-scraps on the walls. The cats hissed and scattered. The giant leviathan dissolved into sparkles.
And from the swirl of sweets, she arrived.
Lambdadelta. The Witch of Certainty. Bernkastel's eternal rival.
One of the few beings alive who could go head-to-head with her without being erased from the meta.
She twirled in midair, ribbons spinning behind her, landing with a bright grin. "Ya halooo! Lambda's here! And you know me—I always reward those who work hard. My words are absolute!"
Bernkastel flicked a gumdrop off her dress, dead-eyed. "Lambda, you have the worst timing."
Lambdadelta cracked her neck in a bright, playful motion that didn't match the killing intent rolling off her. "Sorry, Bern. I always reward anyone—anyone—who works hard. And that includes your step-brother Naruto."
Bernkastel's eyes narrowed, her fingers tapping once against the table. She focused fully on Lambda for barely two minutes—an eternity for beings like them, and a mistake she never made.
Because when she turned back toward her original target… Naruto Cipher was gone.
Bernkastel rose from her seat, irritation curving across her otherwise empty gaze. "Lambda. Where is my Naruto."
Lambdadelta spun around once, acting like the world's most annoying magical schoolgirl. "Oh, right! Where is Bern's lovable toy? Hmm… maybe he slipped between loops? Maybe he turned into candy? Maybe he's under the table? Who knows!"
Bernkastel's expression didn't change—but the room dimmed as if the universe itself braced for something unpleasant.
Then the alarms went off. A siren ripped across the entire Foundation complex—
"Alert. All Keter-class SCPs have been released from containment. All personnel engage the target. Priority level: Absolute."
The AI announcement repeated, .
Bernkastel didn't blink. She simply stared at the empty space where Naruto should have been. She looked unimpressed—almost bored. As if thousands of rampaging SCPs were nothing but static noise while she processed a missing boy.
Lambdadelta only clasped her hands behind her back, grinning with childish delight. "Oopsie. Someone's having fun today~"
Bernkastel's heel came down on the black floor with a soft tap—yet the entire chamber rippled like a dying universe. You can't escape, Naruto. Even if this whole facility gets destroyed because of you, I will always find you. Her thought spread through every dimension like a cold whisper.
In the hallway, Naruto shot through the air, cape snapping behind him. Alarms blared. SCP containment cells stood shattered, metal twisted like paper. He zipped through corridors while eldritch limbs, jaws, void-hands, and conceptual horrors lunged at him—anomalies he deliberately released to drown the Foundation in chaos.
He dodged SCP-096 as it tore through walls in blind hunger. He slipped past SCP-682 as its tail obliterated a containment wing. He phased through SCP-106's acidic grasp. He even narrowly avoided the crawling fractal geometry of SCP-055's anti-awareness aura.
Naruto's mind was clear. Goal is simple: get out. Launch myself into the hidden world. The one place Bern hasn't fully mapped. The place where the escaped anomalies hide.
But nothing ever went according to plan when Bernkastel was involved.
A wave of pressure hit him—light, soft, but absolute. Wild cats appeared instantly, filling the hallways like a tidal swarm of living paradoxes. Their gazes bent causality. Their paws erased space. Their presence turned every anomaly feral, then silent, then kneeling.
Anarchy collapsed. Reality reset. Every SCP froze.
The cats opened a path, all glaring at Naruto.
And at the center of that path—she appeared.
Bernkastel materialized like a shadow stitching itself into existence. Her hair floated gently. Her eyes were empty, but burning.
"There's nowhere to run, Naruto." Her voice layered through the corridor, echoing through the SCP complex, through the Foundation's logic, through the walls of reality itself. "I already told you."
Bernkastel eyes widened, the first real crack in her mask. "YOU ARE MINEEE YOU HAVEEE—"
Naruto forced a smile, painful and crooked, because even now he understood how hopeless this was. "I give up," he said quietly. "However… remember what you told me. Always have a backup plan."
He snapped his fingers.
The effect was immediate. Every SCP in the facility—every anomaly, every abomination, every conceptual horror—went feral in the same heartbeat. The cats bristled in confusion. The walls cracked. The air twisted into a shrieking chorus of anomalies breaking free of even their own nature.
And then they all turned toward Naruto. But to tear him apart.
They moved faster than sound, faster than light, faster than causality. Limbs and jaws and claws shredded the space Naruto stood in. His body was ripped open, torn, devoured, dissolved, annihilated in a violent flash of teeth and impossible geometry.
Bernkastel eyes widened. Her breathing stopped. For a single second—a miracle in itself—the Witch of Miracles looked humanly horrified.
She snapped her fingers, furious. "Kill them. Kill everything touching him."
Her wild cats surged forward like a storm, collapsing the feral anomalies into dust, nullifying dimensional ruptures, erasing Keter-class horrors like they were scribbles on paper. The entire facility trembled as the cats cleansed every SCP that had touched Naruto.
Bernkastel steadied herself. She didn't show emotion often. But grief leaked through the cracks.
She didn't want to lose him—not like this.
She kneeled, reaching out to seize his soul. Except— It wasn't there. Her expression darkened.
Something pinged in her mind. A system alert.
A hologram flickered in the air,:
"Location detected: O5-3 Naruto Cipher. Status: Refounded on his homeworld."
Bernkastel immediately tried to open a portal, her fingers slicing through the air—yet nothing happened. The reality beneath her fingers remained closed, sealed shut like a locked coffin.
Another hologram flickered:
"Warning: Anchor to Naruto-world has been destroyed. Pathway and administrative access temporarily disabled."
Bernkastel's jaw tightened. "How long until the pathway is repaired?"
The system stuttered before answering.
"Estimated… 100–500 years. Give or take. Residue of Certainty magic detected."
Lambdadelta's signature. The price of the favor Naruto cashed in.
Bernkastel let out a slow exhale. Not angry. But… impressed. "I got tricked by the toy I trained. Well played… Naruto."
Lambdadelta materialized behind her in an explosion of pink sparkles and konpeito. "BOHOOOOoo! Look at you, crying over your soulmate. Very tsundere of you, Bern~!"
Bernkastel simply summoned her dark scythe. In one casual motion, she stabbed the blade beside Lambda's head—not to kill her, but to hook onto the collar of her dress. She swung the handle up, pinning Lambdadelta to the wall like a bright, annoying plush toy hung for display.
Lambda's legs kicked uselessly. "H-Hey! Bern!? What the—?!"
Bernkastel materialized a needle and thread in her other hand, black and shimmering like stitched reality. She leaned closer, expression empty, voice colder than vacuum. "Prepare yourself, Lambda. This time I will make you into my stuffed fool."
Lambdadelta panicked immediately. "Bern, c-can you be merciful, please? I'm your best friend! Remember? I made you candy! And cookies! And—um—cupcakes! And—"
Bernkastel stepped closer, shadow falling over Lambda's struggling form. "No. I don't remember."
Her eyes narrowed. "And I don't want to."
Lambdadelta gulped, her smile twitching in frantic fear. Oops.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Time resumed. After millennia of frozen stillness—after Bernkastel's hold over the Naruto world finally collapsed—the snowflakes fell again. The cold wind moved. The village breathed. The world, unaware of everything that had happened outside its boundaries, simply continued.
Hinata Hyuga knelt beside Naruto's body, trembling violently, tears flooding down her cheeks as she clutched his sleeve with both hands. "P-Please… wake up… Naruto-kun…"
The body twitched. Then the small six-year-old frame pushed itself upright, orange jacket and scarf soaked with blood and snow, hair matted, skin pale.
But the boy who rose was not the Naruto who died.
This was Naruto Cipher—ancient, sharpened, molded by Bernkastel for a thousand years. A creature forged under cosmic cruelty and eldritch discipline. His eyes moved with awareness no child should hold.
Hinata gasped, covering her mouth. "N-Naruto-kun…?"
Naruto brushed snow off his shoulder and rolled his neck, cracking it like someone stretching after a nap they hated. " Ahh, I still remember my supposed death. Normally the Nine-Tails would've saved my ass—but not this time, since Bernkastel kidnapped my soul."
His grin widened, crooked and dangerous.
"But this isn't the first time I've died. And it won't be the last."
He looked upward, toward a sky that couldn't see him. Toward the sister who couldn't reach him.
Toward the cage he finally escaped.
"Isn't that right, Bern?"
Naruto lifted both arms and screamed at the heavens with a manic joy only someone truly free could feel.
"But you won't hear me anyway, my yandere step-sister—because I'M FREEEEE, MOTHERFUCKERRR!"
The sound echoed through the alley, loud enough to snap the bullies out of their shock. They staggered backward, pale and horrified.
"T-The demon child is still alive…" the tallest one stammered.
The second boy trembled, pointing with a shaking hand. "W-We killed you! How are you still breathing?!"
The last kid didn't speak.
He only stared—wide-eyed—at Naruto's left side.
Naruto blinked, confused at their expressions. He lifted a hand to his face and felt warm liquid running down his cheek. When his fingers touched the spot, pain spiked through him.
Blood. A lot of it. He dragged his hand away and stared at the crimson smear on his palm.
Then he realized what was missing. His left eye.
Naruto clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Huh. So I lost that. Great. Guess I'm wearing the eyepatch earlier than planned."
He snapped his fingers, attempting to rewrite reality, to restore the missing organ instantly—but only a faint crackle of weak energy flickered in the air.
Bill Cipher's power was there… but weakened. Like something vital had been left behind in the escape.
His body still healed, but slowly—painfully slow for someone who once bent universes like paper.
Naruto breathed out sharply. Fuck. I need a reminder to bring my personal backup power next time.
He wiped the blood from his cheek, annoyed, frustrated— but smiling anyway.
The tallest bully swallowed hard, then forced a shaky bravado. "W-We can still take on the demon child! Come—"
His sentence ended with a scream.
His arm separated from his body in an instant—clean, painless at first, before the shock hit him like fire. "AHHHHHHHH!"
Naruto twirled something in his hand. His cane..
His favorite weapon—one he had carried since Bernkastel molded him into something monstrous. The cane gleamed, then shifted in his grip with a soft mechanical as it elongated into a long, elegant katana—Masamune-like, thin as moonlight and twice as cruel.
He snapped reality again. His clothes shimmered, rewriting themselves. A cloak draped over his shoulders like a noble's mantle. A top hat perched on his head. Heels clicked against the snow. A perfect eyepatch covered his ruined left eye. The transformation was theatrical, dramatic—Bill Cipher style.
Naruto tapped the cane against the ground. "I think it'd be funny if your bones were made of cookies."
The other two bullies froze then collapsed as their legs cracked inward, bones snapping like brittle biscuit rods. Their arms crumbled. Their ribs caved. They screamed as their skeletons betrayed them, fragile as food.
"What did you do to us?!" the second boy cried, voice shrill with terror.
Naruto stepped closer, boots crunching in the snow, cloak trailing behind him like a shadow with teeth. He leaned down, smiling in a way no child should ever smile.
"That's supposed to be my line." His voice dropped, cold and playful. "Why the fuck were you crushing my eye?"
He tapped his cane against the ground once. The two bullies behind him didn't even have time to scream before they burst into red mist . Snowflakes drifted through what used to be their bodies.
The last remaining boy collapsed onto his knees. "P-Please… have mercy," he begged, voice shaking. "I—I have a family. My mother wants me to go home…"
Naruto didn't look at him.
He looked past him. This is bad. Not one-hundred-percent catastrophic, but close. My Bill Cipher powers—Weirdmageddon itself—only has a functional range of about two-fifty meters right now? I'm nerfed this hard?
He clicked his tongue in irritation. I need to recover. Fast.
Then his gaze lowered to the boy.
And Naruto smiled . More like someone suddenly remembering a very profitable idea.
He extended his right hand. Blue flame curled around his palm, flickering like sapphire fire, dancing with promises and consequences that no six-year-old should ever be able to offer. "Do you want to make a deal?"
The flames flared higher, swirling into strange symbols that meant nothing and everything at once.
The boy stared at him, trembling, confused. A moment ago this demon child had slaughtered his friends without blinking. And now he was… offering a handshake?
Naruto's grin widened with cosmic mischief. "Well? Shake my hand," he said softly. "Let's see if your life is worth anything."
The terrified boy, shaking uncontrollably, reached out and grabbed Naruto's hand.
Blue flame swallowed him. He vanished in an instant, dissolving into a swirl of sapphire light that fed into Naruto's body like fuel being poured into a starving engine.