As I walked down the hallway to go downstairs to the kitchen, I paused in front of Kerem's room. I stared at the closed door, hesitating. I wanted to ask if he wanted coffee, but something in me whispered that it was a bad idea. Judging by the angry, profanity-filled voices coming from inside, that instinct was right.
He'd been tense and irritable almost 24/7 lately anyway. And if the way he'd been dodging me ever since the night I cried on his lap was any indication, I highly doubted he'd be happy to see me.
Whoever came up with the theory that playboys find emotional girls annoying was absolutely right. And according to that theory, normally crying in front of the so-called playboy once would be enough, but I'd cried twice in the same day, so I'd probably climbed straight to the top of the blacklist.
I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I'd be going back to my own home soon, and stepped away from the door toward the stairs.
While I waited for the coffee machine to open, I went to the other side of the counter, digging through cabinets with hopeful determination, trying to find something to snack on. When the last cabinet turned up empty too, I sighed and closed it, genuinely sad about it.
I had this ridiculously intense craving for something sweet, and of course there wasn't a market anywhere nearby. And even if there were, the koala living inside me was extra lazy in this cold and had zero intention of going outside for snacks.
I leaned against the counter and pushed my glasses up onto my head. My eyes were burning from drawing for hours, so I rubbed them. And it wasn't just my eyes, either. Sitting on a chair and folding myself over the desk had turned my back into a question mark. The knots in my neck and shoulders were about to become visible to the naked eye. On top of all that, I still hadn't finished my assignment.
Right now, I wanted to beat to death every idiot who'd ever said, "Once you get into university, it's easy after that," using my drawing rulers.
If only I'd asked Aylin earlier to come home with me after class. Then I could've manipulated her conscience into doing most of my drawing assignment, and I wouldn't be alone in this huge house. Straightening up at the sound from the machine, I started preparing my coffee.
Normally I liked being alone, but lately I'd been missing having people around. More specifically, I missed my friends. For some reason, it felt like it'd been months since I'd had fun with them one-on-one. Especially after everything that'd happened recently, I really needed to clear my head with my own people.
The doorbell rang, breaking the silence. I set my mug on the counter and opened the door. When I saw Rüzgar standing there in all his glory, I smiled and stepped aside so he could come in.
"Welcome."
"Thanks."
He was dressed more rebellious and attractive than his usual sporty style, and I noticed it, but it wasn't my business, so I didn't ask. Just as I turned to head back to the kitchen, a detail popped into my head and I looked at him with curiosity.
"Don't you have a key?"
He glanced at me and took off his coat.
"I didn't want to use it while you were here."
"Thank you. It's nice to know someone in this house actually cares that I exist."
I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my mug, and sat at one of the chairs by the dining table. Rüzgar followed me in. While he started making himself coffee, I pulled my phone out and checked the group chat between Feyza, Aylin, and Mete.
From the pictures they'd shared, it looked like everyone except me was curing their Monday misery by having fun outside. Since they were used to me not looking at my phone for long stretches, they assumed I was asleep.
As much as I wanted to write, "I'm awake, drowning in my own sadness while doing a drawing assignment," I didn't want to ruin anyone's mood. I ignored the messages and tried to kill time in other apps.
"Are you okay?"
The question came out of nowhere. I lifted my head from my phone and looked at Rüzgar. He was still turned away, busy with the coffee, so he didn't see the confused look on my face. But from his tone, it was obvious he wasn't asking casually. I just wasn't sure what he meant.
"I'm fine. How are you?"
He turned toward me, leaned back without saying a word, and crossed his arms. When he lifted an eyebrow like he was waiting for a real answer, I stared at him blankly.
"What?"
"I know people who walked out of a car crash at illegal speeds and still looked better than you do right now, Duru. Let's try again. What's wrong?"
I set my mug down and frowned.
"Should I be happy that you just used the longest sentence you've ever said to me, or should I be upset because it was a disguised insult? I can't decide."
He ignored my jab and kept his expectant eyes on my face. I rolled my eyes at his persistence, took a sip of coffee, then sighed. Scratching at my hair, I leaned back and muttered tiredly.
"The problem is, my life is going downhill in every area and I can't do anything to change it. I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself that I can't spend enough time with my friends, so I'm drifting away from them. I miss my family, but I'm scared to go home because I don't want to dump my problems on them. My love life is like a badly written knockoff of a Nicholas Sparks novel, and my grades are terrible. Like, truly terrible. For the love of God, how many people get a fifteen in Engineering Ethics?"
I laughed and looked at him. He actually smiled, just a little. My smile faded and I slowly shook my head.
"I don't know, Rüzgar. My head is so tangled from thinking the same things over and over that I feel like I can't make rational decisions anymore. Like I'm doing everything wrong. And the worst part is, there's this feeling I can't get rid of. Like I'm losing a war, but I don't even know how to fight, or what I'm fighting for."
I paused, rubbed my eyes, and took a deep breath.
"I think I'm talking nonsense. Maybe I'm just tired."
He stared at me in silence for a moment. With his usual expression, it was hard to read what he was thinking, but the coldness in his eyes seemed to soften, even if only slightly. I couldn't take the scrutiny any longer. I tilted my head to the side and raised my eyebrows.
"Rüzgar?"
"Duru?"
"Aren't you going to say something?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. In situations like this, isn't the other person supposed to say something deep and wise to help the one who's venting?"
"Do I look like a psychologist? I just asked what your problem is. How you solve it is your business."
"At least we know one of us chose the right profession for being an engineer."
The sarcastic words slipped out of my mouth. His gaze practically dared me to keep going, but I laughed and stood up.
"I should go finish my assignment. It was nice talking to you. Even if I did most of the talking."
I was about to leave the kitchen when he called out,
"Duru?"