I needed to apologize to him as soon as possible—for the things I'd said to his face and the unfair accusations I'd thrown at him.
Facing him sounded a bit exaggerated, though…
Calling him? That wouldn't work either. I was absolutely certain that the moment I heard his voice or saw him again, I'd remember that dreamlike kiss. And under those circumstances, talking face to face or on the phone without getting flustered or stuttering—without giving him even more ammunition to mock me—was simply not an option.
Texting him was the best idea. Yes. Texting was definitely the safest choice.
But what if he reacted badly? Wouldn't that hurt even more?
Watching the dark clouds slowly gathering in the sky, I sighed and rested my elbow on the desk, leaning my cheek into my palm.
If he was innocent, why had he stayed silent instead of properly defending himself? Didn't that mean he didn't really care what I thought?
Then what was the point of apologizing in the first place?
And on top of everything else, he had kissed me even though he didn't like me!
Of course, I wanted to believe that he'd kissed me because he did like me—just like the video suggested and my friends insisted. But if I wanted to get out of this complicated mess without getting hurt even more, I needed to stop building pink-tinted fantasies and start being realistic.
And realistically speaking… someone like him—arrogant, selfish, confident, handsome, sexy, with kisses that swept you right off your feet—Nope. Wrong direction!
I seriously needed to stop thinking about that damn kiss.
I closed my eyes and sighed again. In the end, a guy like him wouldn't fall in love with a girl just because he kissed her. That assumption went completely against the very nature of relationships.
Thinking it through again… maybe I should just leave everything as it was and use this mess I'd unintentionally created as an excuse to distance myself from him—wait for these clearly one-sided feelings to fade.
That was the most logical option.
That way, I wouldn't have to face the fear of running into him again either.
But after accusing him of so many things he didn't deserve, saying nothing at all didn't feel right either…
Oh God. Why did I have to be born as a woman? If this endless war between hormones and logic didn't count as injustice, then what did?
I buried my face into my arm, muffling a frustrated groan.
For three whole days now, every moment I wasn't asleep, I'd been stuck in this exact loop—trying to decide what to do. And before I completely lost what little sanity I had left, I needed to reach a conclusion and put an end to this torture.
I didn't even understand why I was blowing this whole thing so far out of proportion. But I couldn't stop feeling uneasy about how every new decision involving him might turn out.
As the noise in the classroom grew louder, I lifted my head and leaned back, hoping class was finally over.
It wasn't.
Apparently, the professor had realized everyone was bored and had stopped listening, so he'd decided to pause the lecture and start chatting instead.
Some professors did that—especially during block lectures.
Since I'd tuned in halfway through, I had no idea how the conversation had shifted to faith-based topics.
"Do any of you believe in reincarnation?" the professor asked.
I frowned. When no one responded, Mehmet—sitting behind me—asked in his usual laid-back tone.
"I guess you believe in it, professor?"
The professor nodded and leaned his arm against the desk, looking at us as some students laughed and others reacted in disbelief.
"In my previous life…"
Just then, my phone vibrated. I grabbed it from under the desk and checked the message.
'Come to the shared cafeteria during lunch. IMPORTANT!!!'
The moment I read Feyza's message, my first reaction was rolling my eyes.
Whenever she sent messages like this, it was either because she'd gotten involved with someone completely impossible—or because her chaotic love life had just suffered a massive disaster.
I replied with a short, reluctant 'Okay.' and turned my attention back to the professor, trying to catch what I'd missed.
"…my previous spouse lives there."
The noise and giggling grew louder until Yasemin, sitting in the front row, asked,
"Doesn't your wife or kids say anything about this, professor?"
What kind of question was that? The woman had married a man who believed in reincarnation—she could handle this too. Personally, I was more curious about how he'd even found the woman he thought had been his wife in a past life.
The professor smiled and shook his head.
"No. They don't have a problem with it."
"Then how did you find that woman?" Osman asked. "I mean, how did you know she was your wife in your previous life?"
I smiled and turned fully toward the professor. This was the moment I'd been waiting for.
"Because I remember my previous life."
Wow.
I couldn't even remember the dream I had the night before, and this man remembered an entire lifetime?
The conversation continued for a while, filled with laughter, until it finally ended with the start of lunch break.
Unlike everyone else, I wasn't in any rush to leave the classroom. Since Aylin had barely slept while taking care of me when I was sick, I'd told her to skip class and rest—I'd sign the attendance sheet for her.
Which meant I was alone.
And that left me completely defenseless against Feyza's so-called "important" issue.
"What's up, Duru?"
I stopped packing my bag and looked at my classmate standing in front of me.
"I'm good, Selim. How about you?"
"Same old. Do you have the lab notes with you?"
"I didn't bring them since this is my only class today. Why?"
"I have a make-up exam next week. I was hoping to copy yours."
"Would tomorrow work?"
"Yeah, sure. No rush. Are you going to the cafeteria?"
"Yeah. Sapphire's waiting for me."
Since Feyza often sat in on our classes when she got bored of her own, pretty much everyone in our department knew her by now.
"Cool. Let's go together."
I stuffed my notebook—completely blank, since I hadn't taken a single note—into my bag and left the classroom with Selim.
The walk to the cafeteria took less than ten minutes, and in that short time, Selim filled me in on all the department gossip.
Apparently, we had two new couples, one crazy girl cheating on her boyfriend with a teaching assistant, and one professor who'd practically forced a student into marriage by threatening suicide.
Typical university drama!
When we entered the cafeteria, Selim hooked his arm into mine like he always did. I laughed at his commentary about the class discussion while scanning the room for Feyza.
As I looked over the crowd, an unexplained sense of unease settled into my chest.
Then, a chill ran down my spine.
I turned around—and my heart nearly stopped.
The man who'd been the source of all my questions for days stood right in front of me in all his intimidating presence.
All the mental chaos vanished in an instant, replaced by a single, overwhelming realization:
How much I'd missed him.
I let my gaze roam over him from head to toe before meeting his eyes again, unable to stop a quiet sigh.
Did he realize how painfully handsome he was? Of course he did.
But unlike me, his expression wasn't warm at all. I hadn't expected him to smile or hug me—but the sharp, angry look he gave me was unsettling.
When his gaze dipped slightly, I followed it to Selim's arm looped through mine. Acting on instinct, I pulled my arm free and placed it over my bag.
He glanced from Selim back to me. For a split second—a fraction of a second—I could've sworn I saw something like disappointment flash through his eyes.
But when I looked again, his face was completely blank.
He walked past me without a word, as if I were a stranger.
The weight that settled in my chest made it hard to breathe.
I'd been right. He didn't care about me at all.
And just like that, I had my answer to how he'd react if I tried to apologize.
"Do you know Kerem?" Selim asked.
I snapped out of my thoughts and turned to him.
"Yes."
"From where?"
He clearly preferred a world where no one but him knew more than three people on campus. I rolled my eyes.
"Feyza introduced us."
"Introduced who?" Feyza suddenly appeared beside us.
"Kerem," I said tiredly. "You know, the upperclassman from your department."
She looked between us, confused. "Did I introduce you?"
Not wanting my personal life to become public gossip thanks to Kerem's popularity, I quickly explained.
"Don't you remember, Sapphire? When we were eating and he came over to ask you something—you introduced us."
She finally caught on.
"Oh right! I forgot. Yeah, I did."
She smiled brightly at Selim, who smiled back.
"What's up, Feyza?"
"Hanging in there, Selim. You?"
"I'm good. Anyway, Gizem's waiting for me. Enjoy your meal. See you later."
"See you."
The moment Selim walked away, I turned to Feyza with a tense look.
"I was this close to becoming the school's headline because of you, Sapphire."
"You know this school doesn't have a newspaper, Duru."
"You think so. That guy who just walked past us has a better intel network than the CIA and spreads news faster than the BBC."
She laughed and slung an arm around my shoulders, and I smiled despite myself.
"Come on, let's eat. I missed breakfast because I was late for class. I'm starving."
We sat at an empty table, and I couldn't help scanning the room again.
Neither Kerem nor the others were anywhere in sight.
Part of me relaxed—at least I wouldn't have to deal with the tension of being in the same space as him. But another part of me felt disappointed that I didn't get to see him more after so long.
When the food arrived, I forced myself to eat a few bites and took my medicine.
Leaning back, I stared in horror as Feyza devoured the equivalent of two full sandwiches and then a massive slice of cake—without stopping to breathe.
"God bless you with the strength of a buffalo, Sapphire! You know all women on Earth hate you for eating like that and staying skinny, right?"
She laughed, pushed her empty plate aside, and opened a wet wipe.
"You know if you worked out as much as I do, you wouldn't have this problem either, right?"
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.
"Anyway. Tell me. What was this important thing?"
"Where's Aylin?"
"She hasn't been able to rest properly because she was taking care of me. Since we had class together this morning, I told her to stay home and sleep. You can tell me—I'll stop by later and tell her."
Oh no.
I knew that puppy look.