I didn't get the letter from the envelope immediately.
I was sitting on the edge of the bed and the envelope was in my shaking hands as if it was a living being. The letter felt hot… like it still had his heartbeat. My name was on it in the writing that was quite known—hand slightly slanted, hard, sure of itself.
Akira.
My heart ache so much that I thought I might suffocate.
Pearl was standing at the door with her back to me. She did not pressure me. She was aware that this moment was not for sharing.
I opened the envelope.
The ripping of the letter sound very loud; it was louder than any bomb that I had heard during the war.
I unfolded the letter.
And started reading it.
....
Amane,
If you happen to be reading this, that means me being able to return to you personally is a promise I could not keep. The thought of it I can't stand. I probably dislike it more than of all the times I have been hurt.
My eyes got wet immediately.
There were so many things that I would do after the war ends. I was to take you away from all the bustle—somewhere serene, where no one would wake up to the sound of gunfire. I wanted to see you open your eyes scaring no one.
I held the letter up to my chest as my tears dropped on the paper.
We were to be quarreling over trivial matters, I thought. What color the walls should be. What meals to prepare. You pretending that you don't care and I pretending that I don't see how much you do.
A hoarse and broken sound came from my throat.
I wanted a family with you, Amane. Not because it is the norm that the world sets—but because even the future with you was still so gentle. I wanted kids who would get their resilience and silent stubbornness from you. I wanted to get old and still see you pretend not to smile.
My hands were quivering so much that the letter kept on rustling.
I don't know how to put this in one statement that is just and yet—loving you was the bravest thing that I ever did. On the battlefield, I was never afraid of death. But leaving you… that scared me.
I put my hand over my mouth and my shoulders sank inwards.
In case I am not there, do not turn into a rock because of my being gone. If you want to, cry. Break, if you must. But after that—get up again. Live. Train. Take care of yourself, not for revenge but because you are worthy of living.
My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest.
Also, if the army ever needs a new general… it will be my younger brother.
I was turning to stone.
It took a second for the words to lose their meaning.
His name is Kento.
The earth shifted beneath my feet.
I exhaled my air as though it had been stolen.
Kento…?
He talks too much. Laughs too loud. Pretends to be scared by giving a joke. However, he really has the heart of a warrior. If you can, look after him. He will need someone strong.
The letter was completely out of focus.
Whatever may come, keep this in your mind—
I loved you in every lifetimes that I could conceive.
I LOVE YOU.
The letter fell from my grip.
I was looking at the wall, paralyzed.
Kento.
My brain was going over his face—his grin, his eyes, the way he stood when he was serious. Suddenly, it dawned on me and I had been ignoring it. The contour of his face. The way his eyebrows tightened when he concentrated. The characteristic stubborn fire.
Akira… was with me all along.
I slowly looked at Pearl.
My broken voice was "Kento… is his brother?"
Pearl nodded saying tears were running down her cheeks "I didn't tell him you are Akira's love," she said, "And I didn't tell you about him because Akira said me not to."
"Why…?" My chest was feeling empty.
Pearl was cleaning her face with her trembling hands."He said if Kento knew, he would fight you without thinking, that why you let him die,when you both were at same battle field and if you knew…" her voice broke, "he was afraid it would hurt you even more. He wanted you to see Kento as himself, not as his shadow."
I shut my eyes.
I can still hear Kento's loud talk from my memory. His careless smiles. His quiet moments of concern.
Akira believed in him.
Akira trusted me with him.
I took the letter out once more and put it against my chest.
The first time after the war, I only didn't
lose.
Purpose I felt.
And deep down in the sorrow…
Still, Akira was leading me onwards.