Two of the 3 messages was what I hoped to hear, but seeing the other last message had me completely baffled, unable to comprehend what exactly was going on, forgetting about all of this currently, I looked at the body of the man laying in front of me, the body was not breathing .
His heartbeat was so weak that it seemed his heart might stop beating completely in any second and as if confirming my thoughts, his chest suddenly stopped moving, I was out of breath, my neck was sore, my body was still a bit aching, weirdly it was much better than before .
Even with all these things happening with me, I was still unable to sweep my eyes away from the guy that most likely had taken his last breath, my eyes were a bit wary still, thinking that this might be his way of fooling me or his way of setting up a trap or something like that, so I didn't dare to approach at first, but after 1 whole minute passed and saw his heartbeat stopping for more than a minute now .
I approached him crawling slowly towards him, the moment I came close to his body, I saw that he became a corpse, he was truly dead, the expression on his face was still that of shock, but his pupils were now empty, the light of life in his pupils was now completely extinguished .
I saw that he was in a small pond made out of his own blood, his orifices were no longer leaking, not because the bleeding stopped but it might be because their was no longer more blood for them to bled .
Seeing him like that, I no longer had any doubts about him being really dead, he wasn't playing a trick on me or anything of sort, the guy in front of me was the indeed jobs dead, I killed him .
I looked at my own hands and saw that unlike before, my hands wasn't flickering with red anymore, instead it was now completely engulfed in Blood Qi that was like curtains covering my head and my body from head to toe, it was like my whole body was now basking in red energy, sensing that my own Blood Qi reserve was being consumed rabidly, I tried to stop the technique, luckily it didn't require anything complex to do so .
I just disturbed the circulation of Blood Qi inside me and my body seemed to getting a few injuries as a result that were all dealt with by the panel in my mind .
My hand and body both stopped glowing and even though I felt that my reserve of Blood Qi seemed to have been almost emptied, the amount that I still have was still enough to allow me to practice without much of a problem, it might take some time to recover the lost Blood Qi, but at least unlike before with the technique, the Blood Qi wasn't lost forever, it can still be regained .
But I was able to tell that if left to regenerate on its own, it will take at least a few days to regenerate it completely, but If I were to practice, I might be able to regain it it after one session of practicing .
I looked at my hand and was unable to look away from it, I don't believe that his blood got on me just now, but for some reason, I felt that my hands were actually covered in blood, I couldn't help but stumble backwards and fall on the ground after I wasn't even able to stand up for more than a few seconds .
No matter how hard I tried to shake the Blood on my hands off, it seemed to stick to my hands like a glue, I calmed my rigid breathing and mind and closed my eyes trying to finally calm myself down, today's events really took a toll on my heart and mind, I was currently feeling nothing .
Not a thing, I was cold all over, the air kept hitting my dranched body, sending chills all over my body, yet other than my body Instinctively shuddering from the cold, I didn't feel anything seeing the corpse in front of me .
My hand no longer seemed to be soaking in blood, I was relieved yet nonchalant, my brain calmed down, but wasn't even having the slightest thought about what to do from now on, I took revenge for the grievances between us, I should be quite happy, but all I was currently feeling was dread .
Dread from what would happen from now on, I planned to bound him if he were to get seriously injured, then go looking for instructor Lu to help and telling him about all that took place earlier, he will be the one deciding what to do with that wretched Lu Si, I will have nothing to worry about then .
But now what, that useless man didn't even used Blood Qi to protect his body from getting attacked suddenly, completely lowering his guard, thinking that I pose no threat to him, but look who was now laying on the ground, at recalling that I might have been the person who was laying down dead in his place, I felt that my heart and mind were both beginning to wake from the huge shock they were both in .
Only after I recalled that thought, did I finally understand that the emotionless state I was in was because my mind and heart were both unable to process what just happened, I killed a human, I haven't slaughtered even a chicken before, not to mention killing a man, I had already reconciled with the fact that this world was kill or be killed kind of world, but to think that I would be forced into complying with this rule so soon .
~phew~
Would I do it again, if it was needed, will the current me do it again, even if unlike this time, I was completely aware of the consequences of my actions, I wasn't able to come with an answer, but an idiom for some reason appeard on my mind, To Be Kind To The Enemy, Meant To Be Cruel To Yourself, I felt that idiom struck my reasoning deeply, but whatever was the effect it had on me .
I currently had no mind to check thoroughly, I should probably be on my way, even though this area was a bit isolated from the hustling and bustling of the family, if a guard who was on patrol or worse those shadow like guys that instructor Lu said that they might be watching earlier were to pass, I shudder at the things that they might think, seeing me in front of the corpse of Deacon Lu .
Just as I planned to do so, I noticed that he seemed to be holding some sort of a long pouch on his waist, thinking that he might not need it anymore in the place where he was heading, I took out of his body using a bamboo stick, it took a few tries but I was able to get it to drop on the floor in the end .
If I were to have used my hand directly, I could have succeeded in acquiring it easily, but I was afraid that there might be a Skill or a Technique able to trace my fingerprints, so just out of cautious, I decided to play it safely, as I crouched down to get the leather pouch .
Another strong air current suddenly shook the surrounding bamboo trees and almost scared me to death, not willing to risk being found out by staying here anymore, I directly went and got the smelly clothes of mine, got the water bucket that should have been what confirmed my place to the dead Deacon Lu, it was in the same place I was first hiding in .
Then I dashed out of this place and returned home, not even have no more mind to stay outside and practice a bit more, my head had a strong headache from being assaulted by different kind of thoughts and actions that I should take currently .
The strongest thought, I currently had in mind was to leave the Lu family directly, but even though this thought was being discarded by me the moment it appeared, it kept appearing over and over and being discarded over and over as well .
The problem wasn't with whether I would be able to pull this off or not, the problem was how close the place he fell to my home and me leaving the family all of a sudden, if not was suspicious enough for the family, then I would have left this place directly without looking back .
But if I did so now, I will probably find my wanted poster being displayed in every corner of the city, I can wear a mask to go around this, but what if I was stopped by an official and he wanted to check my face, what then and unlike with the poster the Han family posted, this one will be me wanted for murdering a big Family member, even if he was in name only .
So instead of helping me out, this idea might lead me directly to my death, so it wasn't worth the risk, not to mention that even though my house being in this secluded area, me still being not even a Martial Apprentice won't make me someone that is a suspect in killing a Martial Apprentice in the 4th or 5th layer of Flesh Tempering .
So for now at least, I was safe, after the predicament of what to do was solved, the next predicament in my mind was how to calm my agitated nerves and heart, even though I might be able to fool someone with acting nonchalant, but even acting nonchalant in this situation won't help me .
The reason was simple, it was also quite linked to the words Deacon Lu earlier said about to not underestimate the eyesight of Martial Apprentice, I believe that the person who will be investigating this incident will be either a Late Stage Flesh Tempering or worse a Peak Stage, I can't think of the Lu Family deploying any expert from the Organ Quenching Realm for the sake of Deacon Lu .
But wait, didn't the other dangerous guy that was with the Deacon Lu said that the Lu Family seemed to be on with all that was happening, so I couldn't rule out the possibility of them doing so from the realm of possibilities yet .
An expert of this caliber might have a keen insight than Lu Si, if my heart wasn't calm enough, he might suspect that something was up and he won't even need a confirmation to enforce his rule immediately, I will have escaped a life-death crisis, just to fall into another one .
But if luck together with other elements were what helped me surviving this time, I don't believe it will be a factor of that importance, if I were to be discovered by the said expert, so I needed to calm my still uneasy heart .
Even after all that I saw and happened, my heart was still heavy due to fact that I had officially become a murderer, even though my mind have already accepted that I did what I needed to do for hoping to hav a slight chance in surviving, my heart on the other hand wasn't still accepting that fact, I had never killed a chicken before, so suddenly killing a human resulted in it being like this .
Just thinking about how I caught that guy off guard and me punching him full strength in the gut, was enough to make my heartbeat go crazy, if that were to happen tomorrow morning after someone find the body, then I will be sentencing myself to death and after what I suffered to survive earlier, that isn't one of possibilities that I'm even willing to accept, since I survived, I will cherish this life of me more dearly .
My heart was probably still not accepting the fact that I killed someone, because of the killing itself even if it was completely by accident, I found myself suddenly contemplating about this thought that suddenly appeared on my mind .
The problem wasn't with me killing, but with me stopping or not from now on, will I be killing anyone who dared to stand in my way, will I be killing someone if he were to insult me, will I be killing someone for a punny reason as him offending me, who will I be killing and why, that was why my heart had trouble with accepting the fact that I killed someone .
When will I draw the line of the killing, weirdly enough I seemed that I had amassed quite the amount of experience in the day I spent in this world, enough experience to allow me to came to an answer, regarding this question .
I will be killing those who truly wants to kill me, no matter whether they planned to kill me with the help of something or alone, I won't be going around killing people, heck I didn't even want to kill Lu Si, but his recklessness was what resulted in his death .
I won't be killing someone just because he showed me a killing intent, but the moment he acted upon it, then the matters between me and him are irreconcilable from that point of time, I will kill him if I got a chance to .
As I looked suddenly at my still shaking hands, the water almost completely spilled due to that, my heart was heavy with guilt and this guilt is being showed in this way, so if I don't want to give up pursuing Martial Arts, then I can leave my heart indecisive as it is, if I don't then I need to fix that problem and fast .
As I looked at my shaking hands, I once again saw the illusion of the soaked in blood, but this time the amount of blood in my hands was many times more than before, my whole hand were covered in blood, enough to blind the eyes that looked at them, but I wasn't no longer disgusted by the scene in front of me, Insted I saw this blood in front of me as the cost I will need to pay so that I achieve my goals and dreams .
And it wasn't like my enemies will be the only ones to bleed, I will bleed as much as them and I even believe that I might end up bleeding more than them, whether I like it or not, both me and my enemies were aiming for the same thing and that is to kill one another to achieve victory, so no mercy will be shown from either of us .
The one to show mercy will end up being the the victim instead and with my last experience with that role, I don't want to fall in a position where I'm the victim ever again, whether my heart like it or not, those hands of mine will rip anyone who wants to kill me to pieces, I won't accept to be stepped on, I won't stand being insulted, I won't go around killing people, but I won't show any mercy to my enemies, that's my resolve .
My heart seemed to have heard me inwardly ranting like this and I was finally able to get my mind and heart to align with one another again, my shaking hands finally stopped shaking, my heart was no longer be a weakness from now on, I will make sure that it became one of my strengths, I hope I'm able to nurture it to become as such .
I NEED TO HAVE THE HEART AND WILL OF THE STRONG, IF I WERE TO REACH MY GOAL .