Location: The Plane of Euthymia (Mental World)
Current Form: Human (Mental Projection)
Status: Acting as a therapist, bribing a God with sugar
The red sky of the Plane of Euthymia remained silent, save for the crackling of static energy. Raiden Ei stood with her naginata lowered, staring at the man who had just eaten her ultimate technique as if it were a spicy snack.
"You..." Ei began, her voice wavering between divine authority and genuine confusion. "You are an anomaly. You defy the rules of Teyvat. You defy the Heavenly Principles."
"I get that a lot," Raiden replied, dusting off his hands. "Now, can we put the pointy stick away? I'm not here to fight. I'm here to perform an intervention."
"Intervention?" Ei narrowed her eyes. "I do not require aid. I exist for Eternity. The preservation of Inazuma requires stasis. Change brings loss. Loss brings pain."
Raiden sighed. He walked forward, the mental landscape shifting beneath his feet. Where he stepped, the bleak, cracked ground turned into modern asphalt.
"Eternity isn't stasis, Ei. It's a loop. And loops are boring."
Raiden stopped a few feet from her. "You're scared. You lost Makoto. You lost Sasayuri, Chiyo, Saiguu. So you locked yourself in this mental hard drive and built a robot to do your chores so you never have to say goodbye to anyone ever again."
Ei flinched. The air grew heavy. "Do not speak their names. You know nothing of my sorrow."
"I know enough," Raiden countered. "I know you're letting the Fatui play your puppet like a fiddle. The Kujou Clan is lying to you. The Vision Hunt Decree isn't saving Inazuma; it's stripping its soul."
"The Shogun Puppet is perfect," Ei insisted. "It cannot be deceived."
"It's a computer program, Ei! It executes code! If the input data is forged, the output is garbage!"
Before Ei could summon lightning again, a pink petal drifted down from the crimson void.
"My, my. He certainly has a way with words, doesn't he, Ei?"
A figure materialized from the shadows. Tall, elegant, with fox ears and a mischievous smile.
Yae Miko. The Guuji of the Grand Narukami Shrine.
"Miko?" Ei looked surprised. "How did you enter this plane?"
"I didn't," Yae chuckled, walking over to inspect Raiden. "This handsome gentleman tore a hole in your firewall when he ate your sword. I simply slipped in through the back door he left open."
Yae circled Raiden, her violet eyes sparkling with amusement. "So, you are the 'Dragon' everyone is whispering about. You're much cuter than the rumors suggest. And quite bold, lecturing an Archon on her trauma."
"I call it tough love," Raiden smirked. "Nice to meet you, Fox Lady. I'm Raiden."
"Raiden?" Yae covered her mouth, laughing. "Oh, this is rich. Ei, he shares your family name. Perhaps he is your long-lost son?"
Ei looked mortified. "Miko! Cease your teasing!"
"Look," Raiden clapped his hands, changing the subject. "We can argue philosophy all day. But I know the real way to an Archon's heart."
He reached into his pocket (which shouldn't exist in a mental plane, but Raiden's will enforced his inventory's existence).
He pulled out three bottles of Dango Milk and a box of Tricolor Dango.
"I picked these up from Tomoki's stall before I crashed the ceremony," Raiden said, popping the cork on a bottle. "It's the new trend. Milk with dango paste inside. It's sweet, thick, and terrible for your teeth."
He held one out to Ei.
Ei stared at it. "I... do not require sustenance."
"It's not sustenance," Raiden said. "It's joy. Try it. If you don't like it, I'll let you stab me again."
Ei hesitated. She looked at Miko.
"Go on," Miko urged, taking a skewer of dango for herself. "It would be rude to refuse a guest's offering."
Ei slowly took the bottle. She took a tentative sip.
Her eyes widened. The stoic, cold expression of the God of Eternity melted instantly. A small sparkle appeared around her head.
"It is... sweet," Ei whispered. "The texture is... pleasing."
"See?" Raiden smiled. "The world outside is changing, Ei. People are inventing new things. New foods. New stories. If you freeze everything, you miss out on the Dango Milk."
Ei drank the rest of the bottle in three seconds. "Do you... have more?"
"I have crates of it," Raiden bargained. "But you have to promise me something."
Ei clutched the empty bottle, looking conflicted. "I cannot abolish the Decree simply for milk. That would be irresponsible."
"I'm not asking you to stop it yet," Raiden said. "I'm asking you to look. Step out of this room. Or at least, turn on the monitor. Watch what the Traveler and I do. See the truth of the Fatui's involvement."
"If I find deception..." Ei's eyes darkened. "I will purge it."
"That's the spirit," Raiden nodded. "Also, call off the puppet. If I have to fight that robot, I might accidentally break it, and I know repairs are expensive."
Ei sighed. "Very well. I will... suspend the immediate execution order on the Traveler and yourself. But the Decree stands until you can prove my Eternity is flawed."
"Deal."
Yae Miko clapped. "Wonderful! A date with a dragon and a god. This will make a fantastic light novel. 'That Time I Bribed the Shogun with Milk'."
"Don't write that," Ei mumbled, blushing slightly.
"I'd buy it," Raiden added.
Back to Reality
Location: The Statue of the Omnipresent God
Status: Chaos
The red void shattered. Raiden opened his eyes.
He was back in the plaza. The Shogun Puppet stood before him, its sword raised, frozen mid-strike.
The Traveler and Thoma were watching in terror.
Suddenly, the Shogun lowered her blade. Her eyes flashed.
"Order received. Target: Raiden Ragnvaldr. Status: Pending Observation. Execution: Halted."
The Shogun turned around and walked back up the stairs toward Tenshukaku without another word.
The crowd was silent. The rain had stopped.
"Did..." Thoma whispered. "Did he just talk the Shogun out of killing us?"
"He did something," Paimon gasped.
Raiden turned to the group. "Run. Now."
They sprinted. The Tenryou Commission guards were too confused to stop them immediately. They reached the chaotic outskirts of the city.
They met up with Kazuha and the resistance fighters who had launched a distraction attack on the harbor.
"The Shogun let you go?" Kazuha asked, sheathing his blade. "I felt the intent to kill vanish."
"I convinced her to take a coffee break," Raiden explained. "But we're still wanted criminals. We need to get to Watatsumi Island."
"The Resistance is headquartered there," Thoma nodded. "Sangonomiya Kokomi is leading the war against the Shogun's army. If you go there, you'll be safe."
"Safe is boring," Raiden cracked his neck. "But I do want to meet the fish priestess. I heard she's a brilliant tactician."
"And," Raiden looked at the distant island. "There's a dead god snake over there. Orobashi."
"Great Sage. Are the bones of Orobashi edible?"
"Analysis. Fossilized Divine Marrow. High concentration of Tatarigami (Cursed Energy). Edible with [Abyssal Nullification]. Flavor profile: Spicy Bone Broth."
"Soup time," Raiden grinned.
Interlude: The Yae Publishing House
Back at the Grand Narukami Shrine, Yae Miko stood by the Sacred Sakura, holding a manuscript.
"The Anomaly," she mused. "Raiden Ragnvaldr. A dragon who consumes gods and bribes Archons."
She looked at the sky.
"He is exactly the disruption this stagnant nation needs. And..." she licked her lips. "He has a very powerful aura. I wonder if he needs a head shrine maiden in his... collection?"
A small fox spirit yipped at her feet.
"Hush," Yae smiled. "I'm just planning ahead. After all, a wise fox always bets on the winning horse. Or in this case, the winning dragon."