Once home, I sprinted up the stairs and shut myself in my bedroom.
It only took a moment for me to decide—shower! Yes, that was what I needed.
I pulled open the bathroom door and stripped off my clothes even as the door shut behind me. Let's see, the sweatshirt went into the laundry basket—we would need to return that. Oh, my dress and bra… they were stained red.
I tried to save them by rinsing them out in the sink, but the water turned red so quickly. Honestly, the fabric didn't look like it would ever be white again.
After another moment under the tap, I gave up. I wrung them out and dropped them into the bin.
Then I started the shower, setting it immediately to full blast. If anyone wanted to follow me up to my room to talk about it, the sound of running water would turn them away.
I didn't want to talk about it.
On the bright side, the alpha power surge I had trouble holding down just now was all used up. I didn't have to hold back anymore.
I stopped to double-check. Yup, it's all emptied out. Now all I felt was hollowed out and deflated.
I washed on auto-mode, and only became aware of the now-familiar scent of "happiness" in my new shampoo mid lather. It was surprisingly comforting.
Once I finished in the shower, I dried off, wrapped the towel around my head, found clean clothes... and eventually ended up curled up in my bed.
All on autopilot.
I only realized after feeling the coziness of my bed that I wasn't supposed to be in it. It wasn't even dinner time! Why was I in bed?
I got up and didn't really know what to do next.
Maybe I should write in my diary. It wasn't that I wanted to remember this incident though.
Actually, I didn't feel like writing at all.
I stared at the blank page.
Okay, let's ease in with wry humor. That usually helped me deal with difficult emotions, but I couldn't think of anything funny to write.
Maybe I should get the main points down. My brain felt like a ball of tangled yarn. Okay, let's unwind:
Alpha Lorent was an abusive, angry, controlling father who was nearly killed by his own son, who had run away.
The same Alpha Lorent was also polite and friendly, loved his mate, missed his son, wanted to contribute to the destitute home, and healed me.
And that same son was taken by rogues and sold for vampire entertainment at our nearest not-so-friendly neighborhood coven, Ventali's Coven, also known as Ven's.
But wait, no, I think the son wasn't just taken. Alpha Lorent said his son "wouldn't have left" (if I were his son's girlfriend, ahem), so the son had left on his own. Was this one of those run-away-and-then-got-caught-by-rogues stories?
The rogues were probably the same ones we met in the woods of the destitute home. Because they had unusually expensive weapons. Because they answered my question as if they did know something about my "boyfriend" being sold there recently.
This "boyfriend" was one of the two guys Jessica let me pick first from the illegal picture her cousin took of the Lorent brothers last year.
It all came around in a full circle now. Except that it didn't leave me with any conclusion.
Luna Edith was crying for her son, and she made me think that might be how my own Mum might cry if I broke her heart. And because of that, I wanted to make her tears stop.
And then, after I came back from the woods with blood soaking through my cardigan, I saw my Mum crying—except it was my own Mum, and I felt a hundred times more horrible. But I couldn't make my Mum stop crying either. Except that I was back, in one piece.
Luna Edith's son would never come back.
I never wanted to see my Mum's crying face again. That much was for certain. But I was the Alpha, and inevitably, there would be days I would have to go out and fight for my pack.
Perhaps I could consider doing so in a way my Mum wouldn't even notice.
Like having a white wolf heal me and a hot shower every time I got back. I wondered if Savy's potential white wolf could heal the way Alpha James' wolf had.
Why did all white wolves look alike? Not that I was an expert on these things, but just for a moment out there, I had almost mistaken Alpha James' wolf for Mate's wolf.
I thought of my Mum's wolf. Mum's wolf was also white, but smaller. If she were alpha-size, wouldn't she be an even closer match to Alpha James' wolf? Mum's eyes were also that tea-colored brown too. And I knew for a fact that Mum and Alpha James are totally unrelated.
I guess white wolf bloodlines showed in their inherited power, and not their coloring.
Which meant that Savy would only be able to help lighten my feelings, not my blood loss.
Maybe I'd wear long sleeves all the time. Then, as long as my face wasn't injured, Mum would be none the wiser.
Savy could help me keep a straight, emotionless face at all times. That could be useful too.
What was I thinking again?
Oh yeah, I was trying to detangle my thoughts. I think I got the biggest knots out.
So now I had space to wrestle with the other issues… like the fact that I was probably in really big trouble now.
This wasn't like poking my nose into Dad's office when he was meeting another Alpha, even though I was told not to hang around.
This was more like running into a rogue attack even though I couldn't shift, and the rule was for unshifted wolves—especially female wolves—to run to safety.
But they got Savy! And after we got Savy out, and Chris too, I couldn't leave without Brenda…
Would you? Really?
Once the rogue got Brenda back into the warlock lands, we wouldn't be able to follow. I had to stall him.
I remembered my Mum's crying face… and Mrs. Beta and Laura and Esther… these ladies who watched me grow up and taught me and fed me and cared for me all these years.
Was it selfish of me to run into danger to save others if it would invariably hurt the ones who loved me?
I remembered how my father looked when he saw the fading bruises Maria the vampire had left on me, the pained expression adding years to his face.
I had told myself I would be more careful then.
But I had Alpha DNA. I healed fast. If it wasn't for the Wolfbane, I would have healed right there in the woods. As Alpha James had said, they were not deep cuts.
I was made with an Alpha wolf for a reason. I was gonna protect my pack's happiness. What I needed was a way to make sure no one would know I was hurting.
Then I wouldn't ever see them cry for me again.
But how could I do this? At this point, I could only think of keeping a secret disinfectant and bandage supply in my room.
It was very close to my original plan for Ben, actually. Who knew bandages and disinfectant could be such an all-purpose counterplan?
I wanted to ask Savy to help me think of something better, but I didn't want to drag her down with me.
Speaking of dragging others down with me, we had a meeting after dinner. The elders wanted to hear my third dream.
I didn't want to tell them about it, but I couldn't escape this.
I had thought of two ways to deal with tonight's meeting:
OPTION 1: TELL THEM I FORGOT THE DREAM
OPTION 2: PLAN VERY CAREFULLY WHAT I WOULD SAY AND HOW I SHOULD ANSWER (so I wouldn't give away any embarrassing details.)
I'm going with OPTION 2, so I'm going to take out a sheet of paper and write an official report of my dream on it, and answer some of the questions I think they might ask.
I just needed to remember that dream… After the run-in in the woods with the rogues, I really didn't remember what happened anymore.
No, wait. I remembered. Sigh.
I guess OPTION 1: TELL THEM I FORGOT THE DREAM wasn't going to happen naturally for me.
No, of course the goddess wouldn't make things so easy for me.