Chapter 43: A Jealous Cerberus and the Queen's "Secret Wife"
The afternoon sun hung low in the sky, casting long, amber shadows across the bustling streets of the shopping district. The air was filled with the sounds of city life—distant car horns, the chatter of pedestrians, and the rhythmic clicking of traffic lights.
Lucifer walked alongside Ren, her mind churning with a bold, righteous, and frankly revolutionary idea. The movie they had just watched, depicting the gross incompetence of human justice, had ignited a fire within her. As the CEO of Hell, she felt a professional obligation to step in. She wanted to restructure the human legal system, perhaps introduce a few "Hellish Standards" for judging the wicked.
However, as the initial rush of indignation faded, practical problems began to surface. To implement this grand restructuring, she couldn't do it alone. She was currently in a weakened state on the surface, mostly enjoying a vacation. To truly overhaul humanity's laws, she would need her staff. She would need to open a portal and return to Hell to mobilize her cabinet.
And that was where the plan hit a snag.
Lucifer slowed her pace, her brow furrowing. If I go back... can I come out again? The seal on the door is tricky. And even if I can...
She imagined the scene. If she opened the door, her subordinates wouldn't just sit quietly. Curiosity would get the better of them. She pictured the High Prosecutor, Judgement, screaming and launching chains of condemnation at random pedestrians for jaywalking. She pictured Modeus, the Lust Demon, discovering Kabukicho and never leaving. She pictured Zdrada, the Bitch Demon, smoking up the entire non-smoking section of Ren's restaurant just to be annoying.
It would be chaos. Absolute, unmitigated administrative disaster.
Lucifer looked ahead at Ren, who was walking with a relaxed gait, occasionally teasing Cerberus by pretending to throw a ball that didn't exist. The Triple Demon was falling for it every single time, bouncing around him with infectious energy.
"Perhaps I shouldn't go back for now…" Lucifer muttered to herself, rubbing her temples. "The logistics alone would give me a migraine."
"Lucifer?"
Ren's voice broke her train of thought. She looked up, startled. "Hmm?! What is it?"
Ren slowed down to walk beside her, a playful curiosity in his eyes. "Nothing, you just looked very serious. I wanted to confirm something with you. Since we're on the topic of your home... is it true that the legendary devils of Hell all have very strange, monstrous appearances? Horns, bat wings,sulfuric skin?"
He paused, glancing between her and the bouncing dog-girl. "Or are they all like you and Cerberus? You know, a bunch of high-maintenance tsundere girls in sharp suits?"
Lucifer froze. "Tsundere?!"
Before she could launch into a dignified defense of her complexity, Cerberus popped up between them. The three identical minds spoke in unison, shouting loudly enough to turn heads.
"Master, Master, Master! I swear! Only Lucifer is like that! We are honest and cute! Lucifer is the only one who says she hates it but actually likes it!"
Lucifer's mouth twitched violently. A vein pulsed on her forehead. Good heavens, she really is a bad dog. Fickle, traitorous, and prioritizing head-pats over loyalty to her Queen!
Lucifer cleared her throat, regaining her composure with a flip of her silver hair. "Ignore the dog. Regarding your question... It's true that the main executive administrators are female humanoids. However, there are a few you shouldn't even think about meeting."
"Oh?" Ren raised an eyebrow. "Why? Are they dangerous?"
"Their personalities are... a bit too strange," Lucifer admitted, her expression darkening as she recalled her chaotic office. "Let's just say HR is a nightmare."
"Eh? Is there anything stranger than your textbook tsundere behavior?" Ren teased, dodging a half-hearted swipe from Lucifer's hand.
"I'll say it again! I am not a tsundere! I am arrogant! I am proud! There is a distinct difference!" Lucifer huffed, crossing her arms. "And yes, they are stranger. We have a High Prosecutor who screams everything she says, a scientist who breaks knees for coffee... compared to them, I am a beacon of stability."
"Alright, alright, you're the stable, arrogant one, got it," Ren chuckled. "So, appearance-wise, they aren't grotesque monsters?"
Lucifer naturally heard the strong perfunctory tone in Ren's words—he was clearly humoring her—but she had already given up on correcting him today. She sighed, looking up at the sky.
"As for that question, their appearances are fine. Aesthetically, Hell has high standards. But... the main point is that their vices are extreme. We have severe alcoholics, chain-smokers, and obsessive-compulsives among the high ranks..."
Hearing Lucifer's description, Ren suddenly had a vivid image in his mind. He pictured a dimly lit office filled with white-haired, pale-skinned girls, all sharing Lucifer's sharp features and red eyes. They were dressed in crimson shirts and black business suits, leaning against mahogany desks, puffing on thick cigarettes and clinking glasses of vodka while paperwork burned in the background.
Thinking of this, Ren suddenly felt that the future of Hell was in jeopardy. Is the afterlife run by a dysfunctional sorority?
Lucifer saw Ren's contemplative expression and assumed he was pondering the deep, dark lore of the underworld. She thought he was finally respecting the gravity of her position.
She absolutely did not expect that Ren's thoughts at this moment were very simple. Terrifyingly simple. And completely unrelated to theology.
Ren's mind was now entirely occupied with one thought: If demons are addicted to substances, what are the supply chains like?
What kind of tobacco grows in the sulfur fields of the underworld? Does the soil acidity affect the nicotine content? And the alcohol... do they ferment spirits using souls? Or is it a heat-distilled vodka using hellfire? I wonder if the smoky flavor is natural or added?
"Ren... Ren!"
"Hmm? What's wrong? Lucifer, why did you suddenly call me?" Ren blinked, snapping out of his culinary trace.
Lucifer breathed a sigh of relief, placing a hand on her chest. "I wanted to ask you that! You suddenly spaced out? You looked so intense. Were you thinking about the moral implications of a chaotic Hell?"
Ren thought for a moment, decided honesty was the best policy, and said, "Not exactly. I was wondering what brand of cigarettes demons smoke. Do you import them, or is there a specific Hell-brand tobacco leaf? I was curious about the flavor profile."
As soon as he said it, Lucifer and Cerberus were both stunned into silence.
Good heavens, was that the question worth such deep contemplation?!
But speaking of which... Lucifer tapped her chin. She was actually a little curious herself. Zdrada always smoked that foul-smelling stuff, and Malina drank whatever she could get her hands on. Did the ingredients matter?
"That..." Lucifer hesitated. "I... I don't actually know. I usually just sip wine. I don't pay attention to the cheap vices of my subordinates."
She shook her head vigorously, dismissing the thought. "That's not important! Stop distracting me with logistics. What's important is, where should we go now? The mood has been lifted, and I refuse to end the day on a depressing note."
Ren checked the time on his phone. "That question... well, since we're already out, I personally want to take a walk through the central park. The evening breeze is nice. And actually, there was a pretty famous pet shop near the park entrance I've been meaning to check out."
"Pet... pet shop?!"
The reaction was instantaneous.
Cerberus, who had been happily chewing on a spectral bone she had manifested, immediately dropped it. Her three bodies (mentally superimposed into one current avatar) stiffened. The fur on her ears stood straight up.
She lunged forward, grabbing Ren's arm with a grip of steel, her eyes wide with panic and betrayal.
"Master! Master! Master! Why?! You already have me! Why do you need a pet shop?! You're not allowed to look at other dogs!"
It was a visceral reaction. Cerberus might not get jealous of other human girls—she understood that Ren had... complex relationships with humans—but if it was other dogs, Cerberus would absolutely not let them off! This was a turf war!
Any dog that dared to compete with her for the title of "Best Guard Dog" would be skinned, de-boned, and turned into a spicy Sichuan hotpot!
Ren was startled by her intensity. He laughed awkwardly, trying to pry her clinging fingers off his sleeve. "Calm down, Cerberus. I'm not going to buy a pet. I just think they're quite cute to look at. Puppies, kittens, hamsters..."
"No! Rejected!" Cerberus shouted anxiously, stomping her foot. "No, no, no! You're not allowed to say other dogs are cute! I am the cutest! Look at my ears! Look at my tail! Master! Absolutely no going to the pet shop! Absolutely!"
She began to whine, a low, pathetic sound in her throat, rubbing her cheek against his hand. "If you bring another dog home, I will eat its food. And then I will eat the dog."
Ren looked at the pouting Hellhound and sighed with a hint of helplessness. He patted her head gently. "Alright, Cerberus, don't worry. You know I run a Restaurant. Hygiene laws are strict. Of course, I can't just keep random pets casually."
He leaned down, whispering conspiratorially, "Besides, Cerberus can turn into a human, so she's the only choice. A dog that can peel onions and wash dishes? Of course, you're the best choice. No ordinary Golden Retriever can compete with that."
Cerberus's ears twitched. The panic in her eyes was replaced by a smug satisfaction. "That's right! I am useful! I can wash dishes! I can eat leftovers!"
Her mood improved instantly. However, her trust had been shaken. As they continued walking toward the park, she remained vigilant.
After a few steps, she turned her head, glaring at Ren. "Master, you absolutely can't look at other dogs! If you see a Shiba Inu, close your eyes!"
Ren nodded dutifully. "I promise. No Shiba Inus."
Lucifer, watching this interaction from the side, chuckled softly. "She has you on a short leash, Ren. Doesn't it feel quite troublesome to have such a possessive pet?"
Ren thought for a moment, watching Cerberus march ahead to scout for 'enemies.' He shook his head and said, "Not really. If a dog can say such possessive words, it proves that it really likes its owner. It's a form of loyalty. So of course, I wouldn't find it troublesome~"
"Loyalty, huh..." Lucifer murmured, a complicated expression on her face. She glanced at Ren, then looked at Cerberus, who had suddenly stopped ahead.
The dog-girl was sniffing the air intensely. Then, she recoiled as if she had smelled sulfur.
"Phew... That was close," Cerberus muttered, running back and grabbing Ren's hand, dragging him toward a side street. "Master! Let's go this way! The scenery is better!"
"Why?" Ren asked, stumbling slightly as he was towed away. "The park is straight ahead."
"No! Detour! Detour!"
Ten minutes later, after they had circled two city blocks...
"Phew... That was quite tiring," Ren wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. "Why did Cerberus suddenly decide to take a massive detour before coming back to the main road?"
Cerberus stood with her hands on her hips, looking very serious. "Because I smelled a Corgi! A very cute one! It was a Class-A threat! So I dragged Master away!"
Ren stared at her. "You could smell the cuteness?"
"It had a fluffy butt! I sensed it!"
Ren said helplessly, "You're surprisingly persistent~"
"Of course! Master is mine! No other dog can get close! Especially not the fluffy ones!"
Ren smiled and ruffled Cerberus's head until her hair was a mess. "Yes, yes. You win."
He looked up. The detour had taken time, and the sky was gradually darkening into a twilight purple. They had arrived at an open square in the park where a crowd was gathering.
"Hmm? An open-air theater?" Ren noted.
"Oh! Let's watch, let's watch!" Cerberus, forgetting the Corgi threat, pulled them toward the crowd.
Thirty minutes later.
Ren stretched his arms, looking at Lucifer, who was sitting on the park bench looking like an autistic child who had just been told Santa wasn't real. Her aura was pitch black.
"Lucifer~" Ren poked her shoulder. "I actually think... that stage play wasn't so bad, was it...? The production value was decent for a free show."
Lucifer looked up at Ren. Her face was a mixture of humiliation, rage, and existential exhaustion. She looked at him with a dark expression, then silently lowered her head again.
"Don't talk to me," she hissed. "I am currently plotting the destruction of the playwright's bloodline."
She would not forget today's humiliation. Those damned humans! How dare they put on a story about the "True Origin of Lucifer"?!
It was a tragedy. A romance. The play claimed that Lucifer was originally the most beautiful angel in heaven (true), who fell from grace not because of pride, but because he—portrayed by a weeping, overly dramatic male actor—fell in love with a mortal woman.
The play claimed he started a rebellion to save his "beloved wife" from divine judgment.
Heaven knew that when she heard the actor scream, "I care not for Heaven! I only care for her smile!", Lucifer's mind exploded.
She, the Queen of Hell! For a beloved wife?! And a mortal one at that?!
What a joke! She fell because she wanted to run her own business! She fell because God had too many rules about dress codes and pancakes!
At the time, Ren had watched the entire play very seriously, nodding along as if learning history. But the most crucial, sanity-breaking moment came after the applause.
Cerberus, tears streaming down her face, had taken Lucifer's hand.
"Lucifer..." Cerberus sniffled, looking at her with newfound pity. "Are you really that pitiful? I didn't know you were such a romantic! Master, did you know?"
"I didn't," Ren had replied solemnly.
"And who is your beloved wife?" Cerberus continued, tilting her head. "Wait... Is it the High Prosecutor? Is it Justice? She does seem to have a cool vibe... or is it Judgment? Judgment wears that spiked outfit... is that for you?"
At that moment, Lucifer almost gave up on familial affection. She nearly broke the Masquerade right there in the park.
She had pinched Cerberus's cheeks, pulling them wide, and shouted, "You're the beloved wife! Your whole family is the beloved wife! I fell from Heaven because of ideology! Where would I get a wife?! And a woman marrying a wife, are you kidding?! Most importantly, don't you know what my situation is?! I am single! Single!"
"Ow ow ow! Master, save me! The lonely old woman is angry!"
"Who are you calling old?!"
After Cerberus broke free, she rubbed her red cheeks, thought for a moment, and said, "Oh. I see. So you're just lonely."
"I am not—!"
"Okay, okay." Cerberus nodded dismissively, then scurried over to Ren. "Master, let's go get ice cream. Lucifer needs a moment to cry about her lack of a wife."
Just as Lucifer was about to turn around to settle scores with the actors—perhaps show them what a real fallen angel looked like—she found that the troupe had already packed up and vanished.
Turning back, she saw Ren walking forward, holding Cerberus's hand, bathed in the soft glow of the streetlights.
"Come on, Lucifer. If you don't hurry, the ice cream stand will close," Ren called out, his voice warm and devoid of mocking, though his smile suggested he was enjoying this way too much.
Lucifer stood there for a moment. She felt stifled. She felt wronged. She felt that her reputation had been assassinated by amateur theater.
But looking at the tall man and the energetic dog waiting for her, the anger deflated slightly.
"Hmph. Wait for me!"
She straightened her suit, regained her haughty demeanor, and rather ungracefully jogged to catch up to them.
And so, this scene unfolded under the moonlit sky of Japan, as the Queen of Hell, the Guard Dog, and the Chef made their way home.
[Akarin's Note: For those unfamiliar with Helltaker, the "High Prosecutor" refers to Judgment (or previously Justice). The idea of Lucifer having a "wife" is purely a fan-creation of the in-universe playwright, much to Lucy's dismay.]
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