Everything happened so fast that I barely had time to process it. I spent more time staring at the wall than figuring out my next move, now that I had hurt Sara beyond repair.
I was an idiot. I admit it. I should have handled things differently, or just cleared the air the moment Ayam warned me.
Trying not to dwell on it, I straightened my clothes and stepped outside for a walk.
Rudeus was waiting for me outside with his arms crossed.
"Let me see if I get this," Rudeus said, placing a hand on his chin. "No, I don't get it at all. I saw Sara looking hurt and she refused to talk to me. What happened in there?"
I sighed. There was no way around it. I had to tell him.
"Alright, I'll give you the short version." I looked at him. "Remember when you mentioned a date? Well, let's just say it was true. She expected me to return her feelings, and when I turned her down, she left angry or hurt. I'm not entirely sure how she feels. I can kind of understand her, though, because the exact same thing happened to me with Eris."
Rudeus tilted his head slightly.
"I don't understand. She looked angry too. If you were honest with her, she should only be hurt," Rudeus said.
"The thing is, she thought I genuinely liked her, that I would date her, and that all the moments we shared were leading up to us becoming a couple. At one point during the 'date', she kissed me. Then I asked her to go to my room, not to finish what she started, but to clear things up. I couldn't think of a better place, or maybe I just didn't want to think about it. I don't know."
"Oh, I see," Rudeus said. "She called you an idiot several times."
Yeah. That word fit me perfectly.
"I should have cleared it up. I should have told her everything before she got the wrong idea. Part of me knew she liked me, but another part genuinely thought she only wanted friendship."
"Yeah, but what else could you do? You were honest with her. You were an idiot about how you handled things, but I think I would have done a much worse job. So, welcome to the club, brother."
Rudeus stepped forward and gave me a hug. It was clumsy, but a hug nonetheless.
While hugging him, I spoke.
"In my rush to avoid hurting her, I ended up doing exactly that. I guess that's just..."
"Being human," Rudeus said.
"Huh?"
"Failing at these things is what makes us human, right? We are smart about a lot of things, yet incredibly clumsy about others. If we weren't, we would just be machines," Rudeus continued as he pulled away from the embrace.
Being human.
We have a long history of achievements and failures. The greatest discoveries didn't come solely from careful planning. Even the most advanced breakthroughs can stem from mistakes, like penicillin.
[Was that a good example? Yeah, I didn't see that coming.]
"Alright, Rudeus. What do you want to do now?"
Rudeus turned around.
"I'm going to take on a job. I'll leave you alone to think about it. I believe you need it."
And with that, he left.
'Thank you, Rudeus. That was exactly what I needed.'
[You need to think about it on your own, right? That's a good thing. It means your brother understands you and knows when to give you space so he doesn't overwhelm you.]
'Yeah, that's how it works.'
◇ ◇ ◇
I changed into some simple clothes and went for a walk.
I walked past a fountain, sat down, and stared at the crystal-clear water.
When did I stop looking at things like this?
I kept walking until I found a fairly secluded bench.
'I'm an emotional wreck. That's what I am,' I thought as I sat down.
I stared at my hands. I clasped them together, shifted them around, and rubbed them. I was genuinely nervous about what might happen and lost in thought about what had already transpired.
"Hey, Obsidian."
I looked up. It was Soldat.
"Oh, hey. Did something happen?" I asked.
He grimaced and just stared at me.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Obsidian?"
"Something happened that I can't easily put into words. It's not something I'm proud of either, so don't dig into it. You won't find anything important." I lowered my gaze again, watching the ants crawl past my foot.
"Ah, is that why you have that depressed look on your face? You've never shown it before, so now you're just staring at the ground like a complete idiot, expecting someone to comfort you, right? Am I wrong?"
"Soldat, I know you love throwing insults around, but today is not the day. If you plan to annoy me or something, it's not going to work. Right now I'm just deep in thought, maybe even a little reflective," I said without looking at him.
Soldat didn't say anything. He just sat down on the same bench.
"Then spill it. Are you hurting? Speak up. Don't just stare at the ground as if you'll find answers in an ant trail or the stone pavement."
I sighed, sat up straight, and began to tell him everything that had happened, from Eris to Sara.
"I see. I get what happened. It's not like you have an issue in bed or anything like that. You're simply an idiot when it comes to emotions, right?"
"Something like that. Actually, exactly like that. Eris always pulled everything out of me."
"Ah, so the girl's name is Eris? What a cruel woman. But you can't waste time on someone when you could have spent it with someone else. She left, so don't overthink it," Soldat interrupted, taking on a tone I had never heard from him before. "Women are like cats. We're more like dogs. There is no way dogs and cats can ever truly understand what the other is thinking, right?"
"I've seen cats and dogs live together. If you keep them together for years, they become compatible," I said.
"Well." Soldat waved his hand dismissively. "You get what I mean."
"There have been many times when I've thought about taking my own life," I confessed. "But something always stops me. What could it be? I'm not entirely sure. I suppose it's the search for my mother, or figuring out what to do with my life besides fighting. It's weird."
Soldat stood up and glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.
"Dai...ki. What a weird name you have. Anyway," Soldat said. I assumed he was trying to brush off what I had just said about my life. "Hey, why don't you just go back home instead? You should let your dad take care of you. Where is he right now? In the Asura Kingdom?"
"He's in the Holy Country of Millis," I said. "Or at least I think he is. Who knows if he's moved by now. I'm not sure."
"Ah, I guess that won't work then. That's pretty far away." Soldat scratched the back of his neck.
I didn't say anything.
What should I do?
Going back home was a good idea, but what home exactly? There isn't one. It doesn't exist anymore. And I don't think a home without Zenith can ever shine brightly again.
"Well, how about you come with me? With your brother included, obviously," Soldat offered out of the blue.
"What do you mean?" I asked, not quite believing what he just said.
"A massive labyrinth was discovered in the Neris Duchy. A couple of parties within Thunderbolt received orders to go conquer it. That includes us, so we were planning on heading out tomorrow. Do you want to come? Think about it. It's the best way to sweat out the pain."
"And why would you try to help me? What are you after?"
"I'll be honest with you. You're highly competent, so you'd be useful to us. I'm not telling you to join our party, just to tag along. Don't you agree that fighting is better than letting yourself get dragged down by things like this?"
"Alright. But it depends on what my brother decides."
"In that case, you have one day to decide. Make it quick."
After saying that, he walked away with his hands in his pockets.
Did that conversation really just happen?
How strange. But necessary, too.
Being hurt might seem like a weakness. In a way, it is. But it also makes other people want to step in and help you snap out of it. Because of that, if you truly want help, you can be saved no matter how broken you feel.
Come to think of it, we all make the mistake of thinking we're the only ones capable of healing ourselves. Physical wounds might heal naturally, but the body never recovers completely. Scars remain, and someone needs to cherish those too.
I placed a hand over my chest. Even though no physical scar remained from the Dragon God's healing, I could still feel the agonizing pain that came after it.
Eris left after I gave myself to her completely. I chose to ignore my vulnerability and just let myself go that night. That was why it hurt so much, and why it still hurts to recover. But I can't keep dwelling on all of this.
◇ ◇ ◇
I returned to the inn.
On my way to the room, I saw Sara leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.
"Sara?"
"Mmh." She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. Then she let out a heavy sigh, stepped closer, and poked her finger against my chest. "You're an idiot, you know that? A complete idiot. But you're not a bad person. And everything I said about it being a lie, about only wanting to be with you that night because I owed you... none of that was true. I... I really did fall in love with you. And it hurts, because I know I'll never have a chance to be inside that warm heart of yours."
Sara lowered her finger and turned around.
"I guess our friendship is broken now, right? Nothing will ever be the same. I won't be able to see you as just a friend, and you won't be able to see me as one either. Because I'll still be in love with you, and it would just be weird. Just... don't blame yourself, okay?"
After saying that, her shoulders slumped.
"Thank you, Sara," I said. "You're an incredible person."
"It's... it's nothing. Just take care of yourself, alright? Don't do anything stupid," she said.
I noticed her glancing at me one last time before heading down the stairs.
[It didn't heal her, but at least she won't be left with regrets.]
'Regrets?'
[What if you had left before she could apologize? Or what if she couldn't apologize out of cowardice? What if...]
'Alright, I get the point. Now, could you please keep quiet? I need to process everything.'
◇ ◇ ◇
I walked over to Rudeus's room.
Upon entering, I noticed my brother writing in his journal, just like he always does.
"Writer's block?" I asked, sitting down next to him.
"No. Just thinking about everything we've been through. How are you feeling?"
"Overwhelmed. But I didn't come to talk about that. Do you want to go with Soldat's party to the Neris Duchy? A massive labyrinth was discovered there, so I figured it was a good idea for us to start moving."
"So... the situation with Sara is inevitable, then?" he asked.
"Yeah. But at least we ended things on decent terms. And Soldat helped me grasp reality a bit better," I replied. I then added, "This trip is necessary. We can't stay here wandering aimlessly any longer. We already did what we needed to do. So, what do you think?"
"Hmm." Rudeus closed his journal and looked at me. "I say yes. I want to get moving too. And after what happened with Sara, I wouldn't want to stay in this place any longer."
"Good. We leave tomorrow, then. I'll come wake you up, so get everything ready."
He nodded, and I opened the door.
"If you had said no, I would have stayed, you know that, right, Rudeus?" I kept my hand on the doorknob. "Always together. We promised that when we were..."
"I think it was when we confessed we could speak, or maybe when we talked about our past. I don't even remember anymore."
I smiled and closed the door, leaving him deep in thought.