Chapter 2 Part 1: Breaking Points and Proposals
Wang Li's earth-shattering words exploded in my head like a bomb, making my eardrums buzz.
I pointed at her, shaking all over with rage, my words stumbling: "Wang Li! Y-you're absolutely insane! How could you even say something like that? You want me to do that kind of thing… with your son? What do you take me for? Absolutely impossible! Don't even think about it!"
Wang Li went pale from my shouting, and her eyes instantly turned red.
She suddenly stood up, her voice laced with sobs and a kind of do-or-die agitation: "Chen Fang! You think I want this? You think I'm willing? I'm a woman who cares about her dignity, too! But look at the situation we're in! Just talking? What can talking solve? Can it extinguish the fire in their bodies? Can it stop them from messing around outside, driven by curiosity and impulse? You know the situation in America better than I do! All those messy diseases, those drugs! What if… what if Xiaokai or Xiaoyu… gets into trouble what do we do then? How do we live? We crossed the ocean to accompany our kids, didn't we do it for their sake?!"
Her words were like cold needles, stabbing one by one into the deepest place of my fear.
Those news images about AIDS, drugs, and my husband's warnings over the phone suddenly became crystal clear.
My mouth opened, but no words of refutation came out only heavy panting remained.
The anger ebbed away like the tide, leaving behind piercing cold fear and helplessness.
"B-but… we still can't…" My voice was dry and weak, the momentum gone.
"I know it's absurd! Low and degrading!" Wang Li's tears finally fell, and she wiped them away haphazardly. "But do we have another way out? Chen Fang, think about it if we personally satisfy their curiosity, at least we're clean! We can control it! We can teach them what's right, what respect is! Isn't that better than them being led astray by those little movies and those improper people? Better than them catching some disease outside and coming back? We… we're saving them!" She clutched my arm, her fingers icy, carrying the strength of desperation.
"Saving them…" I murmured, my mind in total confusion.
The image of Xiaoyu with my bra that night, and my own shameful bodily reaction, flashed in turn.
A vast, twisted absurdity cocooned me.
"We swear!" Wang Li said urgently, her eyes pleading with a desperate all-or-nothing look. "Only the two of us will know! Once the kids get into college and we return home, we'll pretend nothing ever happened! We'll never cross paths again! I promise! I, Wang Li, swear to the heavens! This is purely for the children! For their safety and future!"
Her words felt like a spell, tearing a slit through my chaotic thoughts.
For the children… that reason weighed so heavily I could barely breathe.
Looking into Wang Li's flushed eyes, full of fear and supplication, I thought of Xiaoyu, of the dangers he might face… A huge fatigue and a sense of being driven to a cliff's edge seized me.
It was as if my strength had been drained; I slumped back onto the sofa and covered my face with both hands.
The room was deathly still, save for the heavy breathing of the two of us.
After a long while long enough for the sky outside the window to darken I let out a muffled sound through my fingers, trembling with a kind of acceptance: "…You… you'll have to let me think…"
That night, I didn't sleep at all.
Lying in bed, I tossed and turned like a griddle cake.
Wang Li's words drummed into my ears like a magic chant, echoing again and again.
Fear, shame, absurdity, and… a secret restlessness I didn't dare to probe roiled through my body.
I got up and went to Xiaoyu's door; a faint light showed through the crack.
Inside, it was quiet none of that panic-inducing panting.
Was he asleep?
Or was he…?
On impulse, I gently pushed the door open a sliver.
Xiaoyu was lying on his side in bed, back to the door, the quilt pulled up to his waist.
Moonlight outlined his young body; his shoulders were already somewhat broad.
One of his hands lay unconsciously across his lower belly; through the thin sleep pants, a not-so-small bulge could be vaguely seen there.
My breath caught, my gaze magnetized and unable to move away.
That bulging shape… my husband's… didn't seem… this big?
That thought shot through my whole body like an electric current, bringing a strong, mortifying tingling that made me want to disappear.
I shut the door at once, leaned against the cold panel, heart pounding madly, and that familiar, slick heat surged from deep between my thighs again, more forceful than any time before.
I fled back to my room, took out that cold toy, and in my mind, uncontrollably surfaced Xiaokai's sunny, handsome face and his shy glance at my neckline during dinner.
Under the toy's blunt friction, I reached climax quickly; my body shook violently, and repressed sobs escaped my lips shame and a twisted pleasure intertwined, almost tearing me apart.
Early the next morning, with even deeper dark circles under my eyes, I dialed Wang Li's number.
My voice was dry and hoarse, numb with a reckless surrender: "…I… I agree. But only this once! And… precautions must be thorough! Absolutely, absolutely no pregnancy!"
On the other end, Wang Li was silent for a few seconds, then a relieved sigh tinged with sobs came through: "…Okay, Sister Fang… thank you… thank you… Let's… let's discuss the specifics…"
Over the next few days, we planned a clandestine operation like something too shameful to see the light of day. We met on the most secluded bench in the community park, voices low, faces flushed, hearts pounding as we discussed the details.
"Saturday afternoon," Wang Li whispered, her voice almost inaudible, "we'll say we're going to Costco for a big shop, lots of bulk stuff, we need to help each other carry it. Let the kids stay home to study. We… we each go to the other's home."
"How… to start?" My voice trembled.
"I… I plan to wear that silk nightgown, and… nothing underneath." Wang Li's face flushed to the point of dripping blood. "Go straight to Xiaoyu's room… say… say the bathroom pipe broke, I'll borrow his bathroom to shower… then… then come out…" She trailed off.
My heart pounded this was too direct.
"No! Too blunt! What if it scares him, or he refuses… it'd be unbearably awkward!" I vetoed it at once. "I… let me think… say… chest feels tight, ask him to take a look? Or… my waist hurts, ask him to massage it?" Even I found that excuse clumsy and shameful.
"Chest tightness… that's good!" Wang Li's eyes brightened. "Boys… that's the weakest spot. Wear that V-neck, lower… when bending… so he can see…" She gestured, her gaze flickering.
We further discussed what to say during the "education," how to guide, how to emphasize safety and respect.
We agreed that after it ended, we must speak gently in a motherly tone, reason with them, and establish correct concepts.
Throughout, we both blushed, palms sweating, as if conducting a filthy transaction while desperately draping it with the banner of "for the children."
Saturday afternoon finally came.
The sunlight was lovely streaming through the window, yet it couldn't dispel the gloom and tension in my heart.
I stood before the wardrobe as if going to an execution for a long time.
In the end, I took out that burgundy silk camisole nightdress I hadn't worn in ages.
The smooth fabric clung to my skin, cool with a dangerous allure.
The nightdress was very short, only to the tops of my thighs, with a deep V-neck that nearly exposed half the curve of my breast.
I wore no bra, no panties.
Over it I put on a long beige thin trench coat, belted tightly to barely conceal the spring beneath.
Looking at the pale-faced woman in the mirror, eyes flustered yet glinting with a strange light, I felt a powerful strangeness and shame.
Is this still me?
The accompanying-study mom Chen Fang who sacrifices everything for her son?
I took a deep breath and walked to Xiaoyu's door. He was at his desk with headphones on, focused on his problems.
"Xiaoyu," I tried to sound calm, "Mom is going to Costco with Auntie Wang Li to buy big items; we might be back late. Study well at home and don't wander off."
Xiaoyu removed one side of his headphones, glanced back at me, and nodded: "Got it, Mom." His eyes flicked over my tightly belted coat with no sign of suspicion.