My father once said to not leave Eden alone, why I thought back then?
He's old enough and is my elder brother.
My mother and father passed away some days ago, is it murder or an accident? I have been thinking about it for as long as the "accident" happened and it is not leaving me neither am I gonna leave it. The idea of mother and father not here with us feels like a tragedy, I just can't accept it! I can't accept the thing that they passed away neither that I'm not really sure about how it happened. My brain feels like it's about to crack open while my heart is in no stop pain, it seriously hurts to the point where it's hard to breathe.
I have got no sleep for two stupid weeks! Why?? Because the stupid police can't do their work properly! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts....
It feels like it hurts but I don't know how hurts feels anymore, it seriously feels like a whole vein in my heart got torn apart. I seriously don't know what to do, the cry is seriously stuck in my throat and is being stubborn. I had to press my self to cry on the funeral and on the end only a few tears fell down my cheeks, while Eden was sobbing like a little kid, I mean it's understandable but it felt weird seeing my brother in such a way, like damn. Our natives started surrounding him while he was laying down resting his head on my parents coffin, until he couldn't hold it back anymore and fainted, "poor kid" said aunt Eve while giving me gazes for not crying as much, such a "shame". I was hundred percent sure that she meant that I was the shame, do I seriously have start sobbing huistrackly in front of everyone?! Well, yeah in front of my natives at that, well such a smart move for dear future me.
Father said to never show weakness for those seeking my fall!
My heart seriously feels heavy as much as empty, there's nothing in there while it's pounding heavily in my tantrums. How can it pound so loudly while being empty but not empty? It's pounding in life, asking for life but live for what? Why is it pounding?! But what will happen if it stops? Isn't it better to have a heart full of life with no pounding than one empty as this one that pounds as if more than sure that there is a tomorrow? Isn't both of them dead but one more alive that the other? What to live for when my instructor is no more here? My father is no more here. What to do when the one holding everything together is gone? My mother is no more here, she's gone along side my father, in the same coffin at that. Well, how romantic, they loved each other a lot, I bet that they are more than happy to be laying in the same coffin. As if a dead can be happy. How ironic, really, really and stupid.
Have I started thinking about the dead now, I remember telling my father that those who tries to bring their dead back are idiots and that they should just accept it, I completely understand it, I understand why now, really. Have I gone mad?! Or did the stupid madness turne into me?!
Just at that moment I taste something watery and salty, something is pouring out of my eyes heavily, through my eyes down my cheeks in such a quick speed. down on my father's wooden desk.
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying. My heart is pounding loudly in a speed that I have not experienced before and it's seriously hard to breathe as if up in the sky, panic roaming in my head while my brain screaming error.
What to do?! What to do?! What to do?!
Breathe I need to fix my breathing, but it feels like I want to scream and my chest hurts so bad as if something is stuck in my flesh and is tearing it's way out.
But I need to breathe. I need to breathe in and out, one at a time.
I close my mouth and try to breathe through my nose then take it out through my mouth, but it's seriously hard and the tears are just falling none stop! It feels like my fac e is burning, it's burning so bad! I never imagined me crying like this in all the days that I lived.
I keep trying to breathe and it does get a bit better but it's still hard to breathe, well this is how life is? Isn't it? It has never been easy. Even though my life is quite luxurious compared to others my age but life will always be hard for whoever it is. My heart is still pounding loudly to the point where I could turn deaf, is it seriously pounding to live, isn't it basically pounding to have it hard?? Does it think that having it hard is fun? I still don't understand how am I supposed to live when my parents are gone, how am I and my brother supposed to take care of a whole household?! Not any at that!