Alex smiled, feeling his heart growing lighter. "You know I like seeing you angry."
William pressed his lips into a thin line and sat down in the armchair. "The princesses told me you wished to see me."
"More than just seeing you, I'd like you to sleep here tonight."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"It's for your safety. After saving my life, you're a target too."
"But you…" William lowered his gaze to the grimoire resting on his knees. "I mean, you're with your family — I don't want to intrude."
Alex remained silent for a moment. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I'd prefer you sleep here. I'm sure you can understand."
William nodded, and for a long time they both sat in silence. Alex stroked Rudi's hair — the boy now asleep on his lap — and every so often glanced over at Myrina, half-asleep beside him.
When the princess too had fallen asleep and the room was wrapped in the silence of the night and the dim warmth of the last remaining candle, Alex brought his gaze back to William.
The mage had curled up in the armchair, a blanket over his legs and the grimoire in his lap. His black hair fell across his face, hiding it, and Alex couldn't tell whether he was awake or not.
"Will?" he called softly.
William turned. "Are you feeling unwell?"
"I'm fine. I just wanted to…" He hesitated. "Talk to you, I suppose."
"You should rest."
"I don't think I'll sleep a wink tonight."
"Are you afraid?"
"No. Sven and Ian are in the next room, and Freya is skilled with a sword too. And outside there are soldiers I trust, and I'd bet Falko and the others are patrolling the entire floor. And you're here." He met his gaze. "So no, I'm not afraid. I know I'm safe."
William furrowed his brow. "Then what's troubling you?"
"I don't know. Perhaps I'm afraid it could happen again — in the coming days, just when we let our guard down, and that next time you won't be fast enough to save me."
Alex lowered his gaze to his right hand — the one missing middle finger — and stroked Rudi's cheek.
"I'm afraid of dying. And I'm afraid of dragging you into the grave with me. If that were to happen, I don't know how I could forgive myself for tearing you away from your family."
"Your Highness, if we both die, you wouldn't be in any positions to feel guilty."
"And if only you were to die?" Alex looked at him again. "If, because of me, they killed you?"
William looked down. "I'm sorry — I'm not very good at comforting people."
"No, you're not, but you always do your best. And besides, I like you just the way you are."
"With all my flaws?"
"And with all your strengths." Alex rested his head on the pillow. "We haven't talked much since the vote. Perhaps we should do it now, since neither of us seems to want to sleep tonight."
"I wasn't trying to avoid you, Your Highness. I was just…"
"Busy. I know." Alex smiled at him. "I had promised myself I would speak to you before you left, because I didn't want us to part with that unresolved argument still hanging between us. But I didn't want to face it straight away."
William wrung his hands. "Are you still angry with me?"
"I don't know. Perhaps a little." He took a deep breath. "Will, you are one of the most important people in my life, and I can't bring myself to hate you for what you tried to do. In all of that, what hurt me most was knowing you were willing to go that far just to stay by my side."
"I'm sorry."
"You still don't take care of yourself, or your own feelings. You didn't want to do it, I know, but you would have done it just to stay here. Even if you wouldn't have liked it. Even if you would have felt it as another form of violence. And that makes me angry, and it also makes me very sad."
William bowed his head, and a curtain of black hair fell across his face. "Your Highness, I… I don't know how to love without hurting the other person. Without… hollowing myself out for them. I'm giving it everything I have, and still can't get it right."
"I know you don't do it out of cruelty — and that's why I can't hate you. You wanted to stay here; you thought that if humiliating yourself before Nikolas was the only way to do it, then it was worth it. That your feelings and mine could be set aside."
"For me, sometimes it's complicated not to be so… rational. And part of me was hoping you would never find out about that agreement." William looked away. "I'm sorry — I'm a horrible man who deceives someone he cares about."
Alex sighed. He was still angry with him, but William had saved his life. Every time he needed William, the mage was at his side — and even if he sometimes acted without regard for his own feelings, the prince knew he cared.
The fact that he placed his own heart, and Alex's, second did not mean he took pleasure in breaking them to pieces.
He reached a hand toward him. "Will you hold my hand?"
William looked at him, surprised. "I…"
"Don't you want to make peace?"
"I do." He brushed Alex's palm, hesitant. "I hate it when you're angry with me. It makes me feel as though I'm losing you. But you would be right to want to distance yourself from me."
"Will, you are not a bad man. You have been hurt and made to feel as though you had no worth. The way you face your problems only reflects the wound you keep carrying inside." Alex held his hand in his own. "It's not true that you don't know how to love. It's only that you've never had the chance to show it."
"I'm sorry, I… I won't do it again. You have my word. From now on, I will take care of your feelings too. And I won't keep anything hidden from you."
"And I will take care of you. I'll make sure you eat properly and don't overwork yourself, and I'll defend you when you can't do it yourself." Alex kissed the back of his hand. "I'll be at your side."
"And I will be at yours, Your Highness."
"If you make me a bowl of hot soup tomorrow, I might forgive you."
"You know I'm terrible at cooking. You might end up feeling sick."
"It doesn't matter. Food is a good way to apologize."
William smiled. "If I make you the soup, do I get a kiss?"
"Only if it's good, my lovely raven."
For a long moment they remained in silence, their hands intertwined and the flickering light of the candle casting dancing shadows across their faces.
"Will, do you want to sleep in the bed?"
"The armchair is fine. I would never dare impose myself between you and your siblings."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, for one night it won't be a problem." William smiled at him. "After you've forgiven me, I can sleep with you one last time."
Alex furrowed his brow and let go of his hand. "If there were a way to make you stay, would you accept?"
"Your Highness, I don't want to leave. If I do, it's only because I don't want to cause you any more trouble."
"Then you'll stay. I'll find a way."
William looked at him, surprised. "But your reputation—"
"You saved my life tonight. They can't ignore that." He smiled at him. "Trust me."
"Thank you." He lowered his gaze and for a moment seemed ill at ease. "Actually, there are two other things I've never told you, and at this point I think it's better that you know."
"More secrets?"
"Not exactly. They're more things I haven't told you — things you deserve to know."
Alex settled himself more comfortably on the bed and gestured for him to go on.
"The first thing is that at the Academy I was plagued by rumors. I don't know if Nikolas told you anything, but at some point someone spread the rumour that I sold myself in exchange for money and good grades."
"He told me, and I never believed a word of it. I know it's not true, and I know it hurts you."
"What happened to me was triggered by those rumours. And I fear it could happen again, here at the palace."
"I won't allow it, Will. You have my word."
William smiled at him. "Thank you. The other thing is… not exactly a secret. It was never that important to me, but it's only right that you know the truth — especially because you've never kept anything from me."
Alex gently moved Rudi aside and rolled onto his side. "Out with it. If it's a some secret erotic fantasy, I really will be angry."
"Don't be silly. You're the one with the filthy imagination."
"If I remember correclty, the last time I suggested them to you, you were quite keen."
"I wasn't that enthusiastic."
Alex laughed softly. "Alright, alright. Just say it."
"My mother is not my biological mother."
The prince remained silent for several seconds. For some reason, ever since his first meeting with Mei, he had sensed that something was off. The two looked nothing alike, but Alex had convinced himself that he had simply inherited his appearance from his father.
Yet it had never fully convinced him.
"Who are your parents?"
"I don't know. My mother never spoke to me about it, and I never asked. It was never important: she raised, me and she is my mother in every sense. Besides, I know she doesn't like talking about the woman who gave birth to me."
"Aren't you curious?"
"Would knowing change anything? She was a Xianese woman, dead for whatever reason. She might not even have a grave to her name or a family. Perhaps she was a prostitute or a girl who fell pregnant alone."
"But your mother knows, doesn't she? If you'd like, I could ask her."
"But I don't want to, Your Highness. I grew up in Vellara and I am the son of Mei and Edward Traver — the rest doesn't matter."
Alex understood him in a way, even though he, in William's place, would have been curious to know more about his own past.
"All right, I understand." He lay back on the bed. "If you have no more secrets to reveal, we might try to sleep."
William smiled. "That's a good idea. Try to have good dreams, Your Highness. And for anything at all, I'm here."
He curled up in the armchair, blew out the candle, and the room was plunged into darkness.
Alex lay awake for a long time still, listening to the soft, steady breathing of his siblings and of William fill the silence. His nerves were still on edge after the attempted murder, but part of him felt relieved that neither he nor William had been seriously hurt.
When the dawn began to lighten the shadows of the room, Alex slipped out of bed, picked up the blanket that had slipped from William's legs, and draped it around his shoulders. Then he leaned down and brushed a fleeting kiss against his lips.
"I'll find a way to make you stay, my lovely raven. Even if it means telling the entire court that you are the man I want to marry."