After what felt like an eternity, William turned his head to look at him. "You're angry with me, aren't you?"
"A little," Alex replied, brushing the back of his hand with his thumb.
Saying he had forgiven him for everything would have been a lie. William had lied to him and kept important things hidden, and that situation was more his fault than Alex's. Not to mention what he had tried to do with Nikolas out of desperation.
"I don't hate you, Will. I'm very angry, and disappointed too, but I'm also worried about you."
"I should have told you the truth, but I didn't want you to argue with Nikolas."
"You should have let me choose."
"I'm sorry."
Alex stroked his cheek. "When you make decisions like this without telling me, you remind me of my father, you know? You both act behind my back, convinced I can't decide for myself."
"I'm sorry."
"Will, I'm older than you, too—you should trust my abilities. If you had told me about Nikolas—about your relationship and that blackmail—I would have made different choices."
"I know, but I didn't want you to know. It would have ruined your friendship."
"Do you think I'm that jealous?"
"Aren't you?"
Alex pinched his nose. "Of course not. It's your past—I can't just erase it. And besides, I've had so many flings that I can't complain about your relationship."
Even if the idea of knowing they had been together still irritated him a little.
"If he made you happy, I have nothing to be angry about. But if I found out he hurt you, I could really tell him to go to hell."
"It wasn't him. But I left because touching him disgusted me, and I never told him what had really happened. In the end, I'm just a coward."
"You are a bit, but I'm no better. I ran from my duties for years, and look at the mess I ended up in. All I do is argue with my father and blame him for my failings."
William sat up and rested his forehead on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I would have loved to stay a little longer in your light."
"We can still find a solution. I can ignore the result or force Nikolas to retract."
"No, Your Highness. It's entirely my fault—it wouldn't be right for you to risk your position to fix my mistake."
"Will, I don't want you to leave."
"There's no alternative, and maybe it's better this way. Nikolas is right: I'm a horrible person. I don't think I truly deserve your love. But it was nice to believe it."
Alex pressed his lips together and ignored the pain digging a hole in the center of his chest. "Oh, Will, love isn't something you earn. It's given and received freely. And I like you because you're you, with all your strengths and all your flaws."
And he would never have wanted him to leave—but what could he do to convince the advisors to let him stay?
If he explained the true nature of the Crown Pact, would they understand how much he needed to have William at his side?
But doing so might put him in even greater danger, and after being drugged and nearly kidnapped, he couldn't afford to reveal any more of his weaknesses.
He wrapped his arms around William. "Nikolas voted against you out of spite, didn't he?"
"I didn't tell him the reason I had left him. And maybe also because I offered to sleep with him in exchange for his vote."
Alex frowned. "At least tell me you regretted it."
"I didn't want to do it. But when I realized I would never succeed, I thought that maybe, if I gave him what he really wanted, he would listen to me. My heart belongs to you, but my body can be used by others too."
Irritation tingled in Alex's hands. "Are you stupid? You are mine, and I am yours. You shouldn't even think about letting someone else touch you."
William jerked his head up. "But I don't love him!"
"So what? You can't go around doing things like that—people will start talking badly about you and treating you as if you're worthless." Alex sighed. "By the spirits, you really are an idiot sometimes. Thank goodness Nikolas rejected you."
William looked at him with a hint of fear. "Do I disgust you?"
"No. At most, you make me angry. You should have more respect for yourself and your feelings. And for me, obviously, since we're in a relationship. How do you think I would have reacted if I'd found out you'd cheated on me?"
"Badly, I think. You probably would have punched me."
Alex snorted. "Don't be ridiculous—I would never hit you. But I definitely would have been very angry."
"I'm sorry."
"Will, your body isn't a tool." He stroked his back. "Try to take better care of it and respect yourself more. You don't have to humiliate yourself for me, and I don't want you to hurt your heart and mine just because you feel trapped."
"But you… You're doing the same thing to me. With the engagement."
Alex frowned. "I don't want to sleep with her."
"But if you were forced to kiss her, how do you think I would feel?" His eyes filled with tears. "Or do you think I could accept it just because you are the prince?"
"I…"
He pressed his lips together. William was right, in a way. What he had tried to do with Nikolas wasn't much different from what Alex would have to do with Ballard's daughter.
He would not have to sleep with her, and perhaps not even kiss her, but they expected him to court her—and to court dozens of other maidens seeking his hand. He had never reflected on how much that situation might hurt William.
"But we talked about it," he said. "And you agreed."
"Because we had no other choice."
A wave of sadness filled his chest. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
William shook his head. "It doesn't matter anymore. I will leave, and you will marry the best match. You will be an excellent ruler, and Vellara will live through a time of prosperity."
"We can still find a way to make you stay. You don't have to leave. I can ignore the Council; it isn't binding."
"You cannot afford to make enemies of them, Your Highness. Not for me. If you ignore the result of the vote, even those who support you now will hate you. They will think you are a tyrant."
"But it isn't fair, Will." He caressed his cheek. "I don't want to give you up. You are my mage, my right hand."
William placed a hand over his and gave him a sad smile. "I will always be your mage, Your Highness. Even if we are far apart, I will watch over you. But for the good of your kingdom, I must leave. Please allow me to do this."
Alex sank his teeth into his lower lip and lowered his head. "You will always be my mage, right?"
"As long as you want me to be."
A shiver ran down Alex's spine. He hugged him tightly. "Our bond is for life, and I have no intention of breaking it, so don't do anything reckless."
"I won't. I promise." William wrapped his arms around his back and dug his fingers into his jacket. "If you need me, look for me in Lenz."
"I can ask Flori to hire you. Your abilities are wasted in a seamstress's shop."
"Thank you. Will you come visit me from time to time?"
"I'll come as often as I can." He pressed his lips to his neck. "Be happy. You deserve it."
"You too, Your Highness."
It was fate that had made them meet, and it was fate that had set them on two different paths. Perhaps that was the ending of their story; after all, a prince and a commoner could only be together in fairy tales and novels.
Reality was very different.
He stayed with William for a few more minutes, until he was certain the mage felt better, then kissed his forehead and left the room.
Before, he would have done anything to keep him by his side, but now he was no longer sure it was the right thing. He loved him, but could he force him to live in a court that did not want him?
"We have sinned through arrogance, and this is our punishment."
"Your Highness!" Ballard's voice.
Alex stopped in the middle of the corridor and considered whether to ignore the advisor or punch him in the nose.
He chose the third option—pretending interest.
"What do you want?"
"I'm sorry about your mage."
Alex turned and grimaced. "You're a liar, Ballard. And a vulture."
"You may not believe me, but I have nothing personal against the Xianese. It's only politics."
"I'll pretend to believe you."
"With his departure, I suppose we can renegotiate our agreement."
"Why should we?"
"Well, you no longer need a lover, do you?"
"You're wrong." Alex shot him a glare. "My conditions are not negotiable. Do it, and you can say goodbye to the engagement."
"It makes no sense. The mage—"
"The mage was driven out because of you and the other bastards. Do you think I can just turn a blind eye?"
Ballard swallowed, and for a moment, he seemed intimidated. "I suppose not."
"You suppose correctly. So my conditions are not negotiable. And you should be grateful I'm not calling the whole thing off. Now disappear—I'm not in the mood to discuss anything with you."
Alex walked away, angry, disappointed, and confused. For a moment, he had truly thought he could stand against the Council, but it would only have worsened relations. It would have been selfish not to let William go.
But it wasn't fair.
"I need to vent my frustration."
He headed toward the Hall of Blades.
He entered; at that moment, it was deserted. The weapons were carefully stored away, and the armor lined up against one wall had been polished not long before. In the air still lingered the sharp scent of vinegar.
Alex took off his jacket, rolled his sleeves above his elbows, and picked up a saber.
For the rest of the afternoon devoted himself to fencing exercises. And all the while, his mind was free of doubts and worries.
Three days later, on the evening before William's departure, the court held a banquet to announce to the nobility that the prince was seeking a consort.