Somewhere along the way, I have stopped moving. I have reached a familiar place. It was all too familiar—a place of comfort to me. A place I could call my own. A place where even the darkness feels satisfying. An old room I grew up in, a room I grew to love, as I watched the world move at its own pace. I was here in silence, in despair, in happiness. I was here, back in a familiar place of tears and memories.
Of things I wanted to escape from but never could. I have returned, locked into it. My abyss, my demon, my comfort, my hurt, my peace. I have accepted it. The love I chased, the love I gave—it meant too little. It was always the pain that I have given that remains deeply. Not my love. That was only a passing, ebbing flow of my beating heart. But it was real. It was pure. Unstained. It wasn't dark—it was light.
A light you ignited. And now a light that has been extinguished once more. Yes, mostly this is it. The cage I will be in. For death is comfort. Death, yes, all too familiar too. I have knocked on its door too many times, with only my saving grace being my inability to see it through. There is always the afterthought of pain. Maybe I was a coward, but it had been my saving grace too—to continue living this pathetic life.
To continue to walk with it while I was dying deep inside. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. I still have emotions. I feel the pain. But there is no one who tries to understand. Maybe I also pushed them away by saying I'm fine.
I was never fine. I was hurt, always hurt. I felt anger when I was young. I understand it now, now that I'm older. That anger was coming from not understanding why things happened in the past.
Why do words hurt? They hurt more than any beating you could receive. They burrow deep. They never leave, no matter how you try. They resurface. They remind you. Then they change you. They become your demon, knocking and clawing its way out.
Nothing feels alive. Everything is just pain.
I'll rest for a while. I'll stay for a little while longer. Maybe I just have some uses left. A greater purpose in life.
A calling from the heavens. A destiny. Though I find it all highly unlikely—wishful thinking. But it's going to keep me alive for one more day. Yes, another painful day.