──I hate winter.
The reason I started feeling that way was back when I was a freshman in college, still immature enough to be completely drowned in emotions like love and affection.
I had moved far from my hometown to attend university, and while I felt some confusion over the unfamiliar solo life, I was blessed with good friends and was enjoying fulfilling days.
My life utterly changed when I started going out with Touka.
Touka's dignified and beautiful appearance was very famous on campus, and I, who thought it too daunting for an ordinary person like me to even approach her, always watched her from a distance.
The first time I spoke with Touka was when I was feeding a stray cat on the university grounds with a sweet bun.
"You shouldn't give it people food."
When I turned around at the sudden words thrown at me, it was Touka standing there.
Her skin was fine-grained and white enough to be translucent, with faintly rose-colored cheeks. Her almond-shaped, wide-open eyes were beautiful, like exquisitely crafted glasswork, and her smooth, undamaged semi-long hair further accentuated her perfectly formed face.
Faced with the sight of Touka up close, I was instantly speechless at her overwhelming beauty and could only stare at her blankly.
"For cats, people food is apparently poison."
Saying that, Touka came closer and sat down right beside me, bringing with her a light, sweet scent.
"Kitty. I brought you food, let's eat this one."
Saying that, Touka rustled and tore open a bag, then dished cat food she seemed to have brought into a small plate.
"Ah. Hey, that one's poison, you can't eat that."
She blocked the sweet bun I was still holding out to the cat, and gently placed the freshly dished cat food in front of the cat.
"...Ah, sorry. I didn't know it was poison."
When I hurried to pull back the sweet bun in my hand and apologized, Touka smiled sweetly at me.
"It seems like he just can't help but be drawn to that one."
Seeing the cat meow towards the sweet bun that had been taken away, I smiled awkwardly and stroked the cat's head.
"Sorry, buddy. She says this is poison for you."
"That one has a stronger, richer taste, doesn't it? But no, it's poison for your body."
Saying that while stroking the cat's body, Touka was someone who laughed surprisingly often, contrary to my expectations.
At first glance, she seemed too beautiful to approach, but it seemed that was a mistaken perception.
And so, we coincidentally started interacting through the cat. Our interactions, which at first were only through the cat, eventually led to us spending more time together on campus, and our relationship with Touka deepened rapidly.
However, that wasn't to say I was special; for Touka, who originally had many friends, I was merely one of them.
(If only I could become a more special presence for Touka──)
Around the time I presumptuously started harboring such feelings for her, I was utterly surprised when she confessed to me.
Why would someone like Touka fall for someone ordinary like me──? That question never faded, but Touka had certainly chosen me. It was not a lie that I felt a sense of superiority because of that.
"Is something wrong?"
Touka, with a light, sweet scent, peered into my face, blinking her sparkling, glasswork-like eyes.
"Ah... No, I just thought you smelled nice."
"This perfume?"
"Yeah. You always wear that perfume, don't you?"
"You noticed? This, you know, is a custom-made item. It's the scent of my birth flower. Can you guess which flower?"
Saying that, Touka narrowed her eyes slightly and flashed a mischievous smile at me.
"Your birth flower? The flower for January 13th?"
"Yes."
"Sorry, I'm unfamiliar with that kind of thing... I don't know."
"Hehe. I thought so... This, you see, is the scent of the daffodil flower. Doesn't it smell nice?"
"Yeah. It suits you, Touka."
"Thank you. But you know, daffodils have a poison in them, apparently. Did you know that?"
"Huh, poison...?"
"It's okay, as long as you don't eat it, it won't harm you."
Smiling as she said that, Touka was very seductive, and to me, she herself seemed like a "poison flower."
Is this truly reality, that such a beautiful Touka is my girlfriend──? Spending such dreamy, hazy days, I became increasingly infatuated with Touka as the days passed.
Perhaps it was only natural that I descended into a frenzy of jealousy.
I, who had never liked myself much to begin with, held a kind of admiration for Touka, who was contrastingly full of confidence. While I initially felt happy when she became a closer presence, the feeling of belittling myself clearly emerged the more time I spent with Touka.
Why with someone like me? Aren't Touka and I mismatched after all? Even when I consulted my friends about such depressing feelings, they only envied me and offered no solution.
Touka, who was as popular as ever, had many friends on campus, and despite having me as a boyfriend, rumors about other men never ceased.
"I heard you were seen with a guy from the economics department, what's that supposed to mean!"
"...Huh? I was just talking to him a little, that's all."
"Are you cheating on me!?"
"Tch,... Why would you say something like that?"
"Everyone is gossiping! Do you think I don't know about it!?"
"Instead of those rumors, won't you believe in me?"
Such quarrels became ceaseless around December, when the season had completely turned to winter.
My affection for Touka hadn't changed, of course, but that overly strong affection had given birth to the emotion of hatred.
Looking back now, perhaps it was nothing more than jealousy.
I, who felt strongly about belittling myself, would occasionally spot students talking in hushed tones and developed the paranoia that they were gossiping about me being toyed with by Touka.
Touka, born under a shining star and liked by everyone. In contrast, me, an inconspicuous existence with no particular outstanding talent. The fact that we started dating was, in itself, like a miracle.
However, if I had never met Touka, I wouldn't have belittled myself this much, nor would I have felt so miserable. When such feelings gradually began to sprout, I was consumed by a deep, dark emotion, contrary to my love for Touka.
I love you──but I hate you enough to kill you.
It was the first time in my life I had held such a feeling. I must have loved Touka that much.
──Touka disappeared in mid-January, after the winter break ended.
Despite a futile search by the police, Touka could not be found even after six months passed. Eventually, her existence was forgotten, and about a year after she disappeared, the rumors about her were only heard occasionally, fleetingly.
Students who are engrossed in new stimuli like romance and fun are less interested in others than I imagine. Perhaps that's just the way it is.
Meanwhile, while I harbored deep sadness and guilt, my heart was strangely filled with a peaceful sense of fulfillment.
Strangely enough, the hatred that had been so steeped in jealousy vanished. Now, no one could take Touka away from me. Thinking that, all that remained was a deep affection for Touka.
Touka suddenly reappeared before me on January 13th, the day when the fallen snow had turned the sidewalk into a pristine white landscape.
The faintly familiar scent of daffodil wafted. With a slight dizziness caused by the sweet scent, I let out a small voice towards Touka standing before me.
"How... why...?"
Disbelieving my own eyes, I slowly approached Touka and gently touched her beautifully formed face.
Her chilly cheek was cold like that of a corpse, yet her faintly colored cheek surely indicated Touka's presence.
"Touka...?"
As if in response to my uncertain voice, Touka, who stood before me, narrowed her beautiful, almond-shaped eyes slightly. It was Touka, with the same terrifyingly seductive smile she wore back then.
Faced with her presence, a feeling akin to the forgotten hatred surged up within me.
(Touka is mine forever──)
Clutching her slender white nape, I tightened my grip around her neck with all my strength.
"...Tch, why...?"
Touka, who uttered the exact same line as a year ago, weakly pressed her hands against my strangling hands, and looked up at me with an expressionless face, unlike a year ago. She was terribly frightening, and I applied even more force to my strangling hands.
Touka fell, scattering her red scarf onto the widespread snow. Her figure was beautiful, even in death.
"Touka... you are mine forever."
Looking down at her, a faint smile escaped me out of relief.
My actions after that were unusually quick. Since it was the second time, it was understandable.
In the spot where I had buried her a year ago, there certainly remained traces of "burying her." However, lacking the courage to dig it up, I decided to bury Touka's body in a newly dug hole.
Surely, her body will not be found this time either──.
Thinking that, I buried Touka's body. Last January was exactly the tenth time.
Even though it was to make my beloved Touka mine alone, this moment that feels like eternity is terribly frightening. Around the time the vivid sensation in my hands fades, Touka appears before me and engraves that sensation anew.
I hate that kind of winter──and yet I also love it dearly.
Amidst the snow-covered landscape, I walk slowly with a crunching sound on the sidewalk where no one else is. As if following those brand-new footprints, the scent of daffodil faintly brushes past my nostrils.
Drawn by the sweet scent, I glance behind me, and there stood Touka, completely unchanged from back then.
"──Hello, Touka. You've come to see me again this year, haven't you? You are mine forever."
Whispering those words of love, I reach for your nape again this year.
─END─