Yep. That's you. You, my dear undead homie, are just as unfit for survival scenarios as your average walker. You can't make tea, and you sure as hell can't cook brains in béchamel sauce. So let's figure out how you might at least fake being Bear Grylls if life ever flips the apocalypse switch... Speaking of which—
Hey, do you happen to have Bear Grylls' number? Of course, not real! Even the disembodied inner voice is afraid of lawsuits.
No?
Then maybe create a burner account and DM him, ask if he'll be your apocalypse roadie. The man knows how to handle himself in the tundra and the jungle. And you do have something valuable to offer in return. Yup. The crown jewel of your inventory: a one-year Pornhub Premium subscription.
Oh, you selfish gremlin! Don't wanna part with your Precious? Fine. I hereby revoke your New Zealand Hobbit Hole visa. Enjoy being alone. I'll still be here—but only in ghost mode.
Now come on, let's plan this nuclear weekend getaway of yours.