—"No doubt you're wondering what happened?" asked Not-Rock Lee, breaking the fourth wall.
[A.N.: Kid, don't do this… this is supposed to be a serious story.][Not-Rock Lee: Ah… sorry, Author-sama, just this once, okay? Besides, you killed me. He mutters under his breath][A.N.: Sighs exasperatedly Fine, kid, just this once.]
—"Well… honestly I don't want to talk about what happened, but for the sake of my sanity I have to tell someone. Even if it's just to make sure I'm not crazy."
[A.N.: God… seriously? You say that after dying, reincarnating, talking to the readers, and extorting the god of your own story? The author mutters irritably, admiration for the character dropping five points.]
"It all started with the irritating wood, the creepy place, and the chatty French fry," narrated the boy, recalling his encounter with that mysterious being.
In front of him floated a simple potato fry. Calm, inert, and quiet.
The boy, on the other hand, was terrified—trembling like a normal day in Chile. His breathing was uneven, his thoughts incoherent, his fear painted across his face.
[A.N.: Come on, it's a potato. A freaking potato! The author thought, exasperated. You know what, I'm out… Footsteps, unintelligible words, and finally a door slam left silence behind.]
—"God… i-i-is it a g-g-g-g-g… ghost?" stammered the boy.
He tried to run, but just like in his past life when his chances of getting a girlfriend were nonexistent, bad luck chased him down. His escape failed.
—"Why does misfortune always chase me?" he cried, nearly in tears, until he saw the tuber approaching. At that moment, Cell felt true terror, and our foolish boy whimpered in fear.
—"Stay away…" he shrieked as the potato drew closer. "DON'T COME NEAR ME!"
The little spud ignored him and kept advancing. Inches away, it stopped.
The coward shut his eyes, curling into a ball, unable to withstand the sinister starch. Seconds passed—nothing happened—until he felt warmth on his cheeks. Something familiar, maternal.
—"A… kiss?" he whispered incredulously.
—"Are you alright, dear? Why are you wriggling like a worm? Is this your way of speaking to the gods? …I'll never understand mortals," said a feminine voice.
—"Huh? Where's the ghost?" the frightened boy asked, staring at the floating potato.
—"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and more blah, blah," babbled the potato. The boy, frozen, focused on the tuber—though in his mind it was still a ghost holding a potato, which somehow made it even scarier.
"I once heard about good ghosts… THEY ONLY APPEAR TO PEOPLE WITH GREAT YOUTH!" he thought, as a strange aura surrounded him.
The potato kept chattering, and the boy grew excited, nearly ecstatic at the mention of youth.
After a while, the potato noticed his silence and turned its attention fully to him. Using telekinetic powers, it lifted the boy, making him float again.
Still dazed, the potato decided to use extreme force to get his attention.
[Scenes completely censored for the mental health of the audience.]
—"Help… someone please shut her up…" begged the half-naked boy.
—"Dear, don't you enjoy the attention of the Goddess Diomedes? Or would you rather be with that grumpy Yami?"
Nearly crying, the boy shouted in either bravery or stupidity: —"Stupid potato with goddess complexes! Leave me alone!"
—"WHAT did you just call me?! In my three thousand two hundred years, never—listen to me—NEVER has anyone spoken to me so shamelessly! Insolent! Blah, blah, and more blah blah blah…" howled the red potato for a week straight.
[A.N.: Ha ha ha… sounds like a chili potato.]
"See, friends… the torment placed upon me is horrific. But I WILL NOT GIVE UP!" thought the foolish boy, trying to encourage himself.
—"Papa-sama, please forgive this mortal. Even if I don't deserve it, grant me the right to silence."
The tuber fell silent at the word sama. Seconds passed, calm returned.
On the boy's face appeared pure joy. Peace washed over him. It had been a long time since he felt such sweetness. Though he was never considered quiet (almost as annoying as a hurricane), this potato-woman proved she had a limit—for now.
—"Damn Yami, you turned me into a stupid thing again…" she hissed softly.
She looked at the boy, who slowly lost consciousness until he fainted.
Where the potato had been, a faint blue light appeared.
FINCHAPTER: In Patch Fret