Konoha's announcement board shimmered—and not with genjutsu. Hiruzen's stern proclamation dissolved into recursive spirals spelling "CHŪNIN EXAMS: EAT OR BE EATEN." Below, Ibiki Morino's scarred face hardened. "Registration opens at dawn." A crow landed on the sign—its shadow elongating into barbed hooks that rearranged the letters: "CHAOS EXAMS: FEED THE STORM." Ibiki didn't flinch. He knew. So did Anko Mitarashi, sharpening senbon beside him. "Bet you fifty ryo the Uzumaki brat spawns a sentient dango storm during the written test." Ibiki's gaze flicked to Naruto—currently attempting to balance atop Sakura's equation-braided hair. "No bet," he muttered. The true exam had already begun.
In Training Ground 44, Suna's Gaara watched his gourd sand writhe—not in bloodlust, but anticipation. Kankurō's puppet Karasu sprouted whiskers; Temari's fan whispered ramen recipes. Gaara's eyes narrowed. Not fear. Calculation. Konoha wasn't just hosting ninja—it was hosting *divinity*. His sand formed a miniature Naruto, grinning atop a fractal bridge. "Interesting," Gaara breathed. Above, Luck rolled phantom dice. The Sleeper's hooks tapped Gaara's gourd—a silent offer: *Bet on him.* Gaara's sand clenched. *Always.* He'd seen the badgers. He knew the odds.
Orochimaru's cultists arrived disguised as genin—scales hidden beneath forehead protectors. One knelt, whispering to a cursed seal: "The Storm enters the Forest of Death." Orochimaru's reply slithered back—a serpentine hiss tasting of chocolate and worship. "Let him unravel it." Deep within, Sasuke's fractured Sharingan pulsed. Naruto bounced beside him, shadow stretching toward the towering gates. "We're gonna crush this, teme!" Sakura's hair hissed equations predicting sentient flora. Kakashi's Icha Icha book sprouted thorns again. *Survive*, he thought. *Just survive the sneeze.* The gates groaned open—not to trees, but to a forest where the leaves whispered Aphrodite's name and the roots pulsed with Sleeper-hooks. Naruto stepped through first, grinning. Oblivious. Perfect.
Anko Mitarashi leaned against the proctors' tower, senbon glinting—but her gaze wasn't on Ibiki's grim instructions. It drilled into Naruto Uzumaki, who was juggling three luck-dice conjured by his own hiccup. Her knuckles whitened around her tanto. Sakura's cultists—girls with kunai-hairpins chanting "Naruto-sama's ramen is sacred!"—glared back. Anko licked her lips. She'd seen his shadow hook Zabuza's sword into screaming lilies. Felt his chaos warp Wave's coastline. Watched Tsunade's broth-geyser birth Aphrodite herself. "Mine," Anko breathed, senbon piercing her palm. Blood dripped—forming tiny, grinning Narutos in the dust. She'd joined Sakura's faction after Naruto vaporized her dango into sentient stardust during training. First recruit. Most devoted. The cult's blade and blessing.
Ibiki announced team assignments. Naruto's shadow detached—a liquid mirror—and slid toward Anko. She didn't flinch. It coiled around her ankle, cool and humming. Sakura's cult hissed envy. Anko shivered. *Touch me*, she prayed. *Mark me.* The shadow obliged—barbed hooks etching Sleeper-glyphs into her thigh beneath the fishnets. She gasped, euphoric. Sasuke's cultists groaned. "Unworthy," they muttered. Anko bared her teeth. "Watch me earn it." She vaulted onto the railing, senbon raised. "Listen up, maggots! The Forest eats the weak!" Her eyes locked on Naruto. "But *he*... he'll make it sing!" Naruto blinked. "Uh... thanks, scary lady!" Anko's laugh crackled—half-mad, wholly smitten. Sakura nodded approval. The High Priestess had found her executioner.
The forest swallowed Team Seven. Vines snapped—not at flesh, but at Naruto's shadow. It hooked them, reshaping thorns into giggling badgers that delivered scrolls. "Huh," Naruto mumbled. "Easy!" Sakura's hair unraveled binary warnings. Sasuke's cultists chanted. Above, Anko followed—leaping through canopy gaps only Naruto's chaos created. Her senbon pinned a Sound-nin aiming for Naruto's back. The man dissolved into origami cranes. "Mine to protect," Anko purred, licking blood from her blade. The Sleeper's hooks vibrated approval. Luck tossed dice. Naruto tripped—phasing through earth into an underground river of liquid starlight. "Whoa!" Sakura screamed. Sasuke's Sharingan shattered further. Anko dove after him, fishnets tearing on fractal rocks. "Coming, Storm-Lord!" Kakashi sighed. The exam hadn't started. It had already been won.
Naruto surfaced—not in water, but in a cavern where moonlight bled through cracks like weeping eyes. Anko hauled herself up beside him, glyphs burning beneath her skin. "Stay close," she hissed. But Naruto was already grinning at the darkness. "Cool cave!" His shadow flickered—hooking something ancient. Stones groaned. Walls peeled back like eyelids, revealing a throne of petrified roots. Upon it sat the Forgotten God—a hunched figure woven from dust and dead stars, its limbs fused with the cavern floor. *Mortal*, it rasped, voice cracking the air into spiderwebs. Naruto scratched his head. "You live here? S'kinda dusty." Anko's senbon glowed—not with chakra, but Sleeper-marks. "Insolence!" the god thundered, rising. Roots uncoiled—serpents of petrified time.
The god lunged. Not toward Naruto—toward Anko. Its talons scraped stone, birthing screeches that liquefied the air. Anko screamed—not pain, but ecstasy—as Sleeper-glyphs flared, shielding her. Naruto felt Kurama's roar shake his bones. *IDIOT! IT FEEDS ON SACRIFICE!* Naruto blinked. "Hey! No hurting my friend!" He slapped the cavern wall. Instantly, Luck's dice echoed—double ones. The rock liquefied, disgorging a tsunami of sentient ramen broth. It slammed into the god, drenching its dust-form into clumping, choking sludge. "Gah!" it choked, starlight eyes dimming. Anko laughed, wild and free. "See? Divine!" She flung senbon—not steel, but crystallized chaos—that pinned the god's shadow to its throne. The Sleeper crooned. Naruto's shadow hooked the broth… and *squeezed*.
The god writhed—not in pain, but revelation. Broth hardened into amber, trapping it mid-roar. Within, dust motes rearranged—forming constellations Naruto recognized: his own face, winking. Kurama gasped. *It's… admiring you.* The Sleeper's hooks vibrated—a possessive purr. Anko knelt, pressing her forehead to Naruto's boot. "Your glory remakes worlds." Outside, Sakura's cultists wailed. Sasuke's Sharingan bled pure void. Kakashi's Icha Icha book sprouted wings and flew away. The Forgotten God's final whisper echoed through the amber: *Chaos… worthy of worship.* Naruto scratched his whiskers. "So… ramen after this?" Anko beamed. Oblivious. Perfect. The cavern walls applauded with tectonic laughter.