I didn't sleep right that night, everything felt off. In my thought I saw his eyes, my mind kept replaying that moment again and again. At a point I began to wonder if I had wanted him so badly that I made it up in my head.
By morning, I had to drag myself up, my eyes were heavy from little sleep. My insides felt empty and full at the same time. I kept replaying moments, but I swallowed air and told myself I was being stupid. But still the thoughts left me restless.
I tried to shake it off, so I took a cold shower, pinned my hair back and stepped out before I would change my mind. I walked down to Miss Maya's, my widowed neighbour. I often helped babysit her girl, Adeline. She owed me for a week worth of babysitting, and today I needed that money to help mom cover some bills.
Her house always smelled like baby powder. She smiled when she opened the door, her face wrinkled with the kind of tired smile she always had. I went in, helped fold some baby clothes and played with Adeline for a bit while she counted the money. She pressed some folded notes in my palm, she gave me a slight hug as she whispered, thank you dear into my ear, like I had done something big but I responded with a smile.
I was about to enter my house when a soft, feminine voice startled me.
"Are you free, dear?"
I turned my back and there she was—Mrs. Aurora Hale.
She looked like the kind of woman that society magazines adored, like she didn't belong in this world. With perfect hair and clothes, and a kind of voice that no one could say no to, she looked like someone who never lacked anything. Her perfume reached out to me before she could. While standing next to her, I felt like a stain on a white dress.
I…I guess I am, I think, I stammered. God! What was I saying?
She looked at me for a very long time, like she was still thinking of what to tell me. Finally she said, I could use your help, you know with dishes and laundry, just basically keeping things in order. Someone quiet that I can trust, she added with a smile.
Trust, that word rang in my ears.
I nodded too quickly, yes ma'am, I said, sounding weird even to myself. She just nodded and pulled her bag higher on her shoulders. Come by tomorrow morning and I will show you around okay, she said before she turned her back and walked away. Her heels clicking the pavement and clocks counting down what I couldn't see yet.
That house though… I kept thinking about it. I have seen it a thousand times and it was perfect but I just couldn't picture the inside. It must look so perfect, I needed to see it. Would it be warm or quiet, maybe the kind of quiet that doesn't hurt. It would probably smell fancy. But one thing I knew was that it would feel safer than mine.
Tomorrow, I will walk in there with my pink dress. But what if I messed up? What if I broke her dishes? I sure was clumsy, or I probably even act weird. Fuck, I should have said no. But yet I wanted to see it even if it was just once.
In my head, I heard mom's voice. How she talked without looking up because I think the fear never left her. She would probably say: Don't get close to people like them, Lyra. They only see what they need. I hate that I could still hear it. I hate that she was right most of the time, or maybe she's not, I don't know.
I don't care, it's just a job Lyra. Do chores, get paid and leave, nothing more. I guess that was my self motivation.
I went back inside, laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling while mixed feelings roamed through me. Never knowing that a single yes I had said too fast was going to change everything.