"I'm telling you, it was a perfectly valid strategy! If you'd just let me use Steal on the quest giver, we'd have gotten a bonus."
Kazuma Satou counted the meager coins in his palm, a familiar scowl on his face. Behind him, the rolling hills outside the town of Axel were basking in the late afternoon sun. It was the perfect time for a nap, not for another one of his party's endless, circular arguments.
"Kazuma, you can't just go around stealing from our clients!" Aqua wailed, stomping her foot. "It's undignified! A goddess such as myself deserves to be rewarded with tribute, not with stolen scraps!"
"I wouldn't mind if you stole something from me, Kazuma…" Darkness muttered, a blush creeping up her neck. "To be subjected to such a lewd, opportunistic act in broad daylight…"
"Okay, that's enough," Kazuma sighed, pocketing the Eris. "Look, all that matters is we're done for the day. Now if you don't mind, I have a warm bed and a full glass of—"
"Not yet."
A single, determined voice cut through his fantasy. Megumin stood a short distance away, her staff planted firmly in the ground, one hand on her hip. Her single red eye gleamed with an almost fanatical light.
"It is not yet a complete day," she declared, her cape billowing dramatically in a non-existent wind. "For I, Megumin, greatest wizard of the Crimson Demon Clan, have not yet unleashed my daily spectacle of destructive beauty! It is time for Explosion!"
Kazuma groaned. "Can't you skip it for one day? Just one?"
"Heresy!"
Before he could argue further, a patch of air in the middle of the field shimmered and distorted. It folded in on itself, like a page being crumpled, before smoothing out to reveal a new figure. It was humanoid, made of what looked like meticulously arranged stacks of parchment, held together by glowing, golden staples. Its face was a single, large, unblinking calligraphic eye. It held a clipboard and a quill that glowed with an unnerving, judgmental light.
The party stared.
The creature—a Lexicon-class Redactor—tapped its clipboard. Faint, golden text began to scroll in the air, visible only to them.
[Auditing local party designation 'Misfits.' Commencing canonical consistency review.]
Its single, massive eye swiveled to Aqua.
[Subject: Aqua. Class: Arch Priest/Goddess. Anomaly: Divine authority wildly inconsistent with observed intelligence and behavior. A cosmic constant is behaving like a drunken variable. Conclusion: Logic Error.]
Aqua puffed out her chest. "Did you hear that? It knows I'm a goddess! Finally, some respect—hey, wait a minute!"
The Lexicon lifted its quill. [Action: Stripping divine attributes to align with demonstrated capabilities.]
Aqua tried to cast Sacred Create Water, but only a sad little dribble of tap water emerged from her hands, spattering her boots. She shrieked in horror.
The eye turned to Darkness.
[Subject: Darkness. Class: Crusader. Anomaly: Attack accuracy statistically equivalent to zero. Defensive capabilities exceed class parameters by 500%. Purpose and function are in direct contradiction. Conclusion: Design Flaw.]
[Action: Re-calibrating motor functions to meet standard Crusader accuracy parameters.]
Darkness's face went pale with terror. "No! Don't you dare! A Crusader who can land her blows is no Crusader at all! Take my defense! Take my honor! But do not take my glorious inability to hit anything!"
Ignoring her pleas, the Lexicon finally focused its analytical gaze on Megumin, who was already beginning her chant.
[Subject: Megumin. Class: Arch Wizard. Anomaly: Possesses singular knowledge of an ultimate-tier spell. Mana pool is sufficient for only one cast, resulting in total physical incapacitation. A tactical nuke that disables its own launch system. Conclusion: Gross Inefficiency.]
[Action: Skill 'Explosion Magic' has been flagged as a bug. Initiating deletion from skill tree.]
A progress bar appeared over Megumin's head: [Deleting… 1%]
That was the last straw for Kazuma. He could deal with a useless goddess. He could deal with a perverted tank. But taking away their one-button panic solution that could obliterate any problem? That was crossing a line. That was bad game design.
"Hey! Stop messing with my party's stats, you cheap knock-off of a GM!" Kazuma yelled. He whipped out his adventurer's card. The enemy was a living rulebook. Fine. Time for some rule-breaking. "Everyone, listen up! Operation: Annoy This Nerd To Death is a go!"
He thrust a hand forward. "Create Water!"
A jet of water splattered harmlessly against the Lexicon's parchment body, making the ink on its face run slightly. It paused, its internal logic struggling to classify such a pointless, low-level attack.
In that half-second of confusion, Kazuma nocked an arrow. His Snipe skill activated, his vision zooming in. He didn't aim for the eye. He aimed for the glowing quill in its hand.
Twang.
The arrow, guided by his absurdly high Luck stat, struck the quill, knocking it from the Lexicon's grasp. The [Deleting…] bar over Megumin's head flickered and froze at 12%.
The Lexicon let out a silent shriek of bureaucratic frustration. As it bent to retrieve its instrument, Darkness, following Kazuma's lead, charged forward. True to form, she missed by a mile, but her massive, flailing body forced the creature to hop back, directly into the path of a Sacred Turn Undead from Aqua, who had decided it was probably an evil spirit. The holy magic did nothing, but it was bright, flashy, and utterly distracting.
It was all the time she needed.
Megumin's voice, which had been a low murmur, rose to a crescendo, her words echoing with impossible power.
"Darker than black, darker than darkness, combine with my deep crimson! The time of awakening has come! Justice, fallen upon the infallible boundary, appear now as an intangible distortion! This is the mightiest means of attack for mankind! Dance! DANCE! EXPLOSION!"
A colossal, blinding sphere of magic erupted from her staff. But it wasn't just fire and force. It was a roar of pure, unapologetic passion. It was the defiant shout of a specialist in a world that demanded generalists. It was an anthem of inefficiency and love.
The logical, rule-based Lexicon was struck by a force of pure, chaotic, irrational will.
Its form of stacked parchment didn't burn. It overloaded. Its golden staples popped off like champagne corks. The single calligraphic eye widened in disbelief as its internal processes failed to parse the sheer, beautiful uselessness of it all. Its very code was hit with a fatal [Does Not Compute] error.
The Lexicon and a significant portion of the hill it was standing on were vaporized in a glorious, world-shaking detonation.
The dust settled. Megumin lay flat on her back, a contented smile on her face, completely incapacitated.
Kazuma sighed, walking over to haul her up. It was just another day.
Then a new screen popped into his vision. It was glitchy, text flickering like a bad connection, but it was there.
[SYNTAX ERROR successfully purged by CATASTROPHIC LOGIC BOMB.]
[User Party 'Misfits' has demonstrated canon-level CHAOS ALIGNMENT.]
[Integrating Kazuma Satou… reluctantly.]
[Welcome to the Gate, scumbag.]
Kazuma blinked, rubbing his eyes. Great. Another system he was probably going to have to exploit just to make ends meet.