The planet Vog was, by galactic consensus, the armpit of the Milky Way.
It was a world composed entirely of sentient, acidic sludge. The atmosphere was a thick, yellow smog of sulfur and despair. The oceans were made of a corrosive slime that could digest a battleship in under three minutes.
Naturally, the Sludge-Lords—amorphous blobs of toxic waste with bad attitudes—had built their empire here. They specialized in kidnapping environmental scientists and holding clean water supplies for ransom.
The Stiletto broke through the cloud layer.
Inside the cockpit, the smell hit them instantly. Even with the advanced filtration systems of a Sovereign-class vessel, the scent of rotten eggs and burning tires seeped in.
Anya Alkahest, two months pregnant and dealing with a heightened sense of smell that could detect a lie from across the room, gagged.
"Mali," she choked out, pressing a lavender-scented handkerchief to her nose. "Turn the ship around. I'm going to throw up on the console, and then I'm going to unmake this entire solar system."
Mali checked the sensors. "But the Sludge-Lords are down there. They're hoarding the galaxy's supply of filtered hydration units. The babies need clean water futures."
"I don't care," Anya gagged again. "I feel dirty just looking at it. My skin feels oily. I want a bath. I want a hot, steaming, non-smelly bath. If you can't provide that, then execute Order 66 on this planet immediately."
Mali looked at the bubbling green surface of the planet. He looked at his suffering wife. He looked at the readings of the planet's geothermal activity.
A slow, wicked grin spread across his face.
"You want a bath?" he asked. "Empress, I think we can arrange a spa day."
[SURFACE OF VOG - SECTOR 7G]
The Stiletto hovered over the largest sludge ocean. Below them, the Sludge-Lords sensed fresh meat.
Massive bubbles burst on the surface. From the depths, Sludge-Titans rose. They were towering figures of dripping, green ooze, shaped like melting giants. They roared, spewing fountains of acid into the air.
" FLESH-THINGS, " the lead Titan gurgled. " COME TO DISSOLVE. FEED THE VOG. "
Mali stepped out onto the loading ramp of the hovering ship. He wasn't wearing his combat armor. He was wearing... a bathrobe. A plush, white, Void-Silk bathrobe.
"Hey! Snot-monsters!" Mali yelled down.
The Sludge-Titan paused, dripping confusion. " WHAT IS... A ROBE? "
"It's leisure wear," Mali explained. "And you guys are ruining my wife's morning sickness. You smell like a burning garbage dump."
" WE ARE TOXIN! WE ARE POISON! " the Titan roared, throwing a massive glob of acid at the ship.
Mali didn't block it. He caught the glob in mid-air with telekinesis. He sniffed it.
"Sulfur. Ammonia. Hydrochloric acid," Mali analyzed. "You know, chemically speaking... you're just very aggressive exfoliation."
Mali clapped his hands.
[SKILL: GENESIS TOUCH]
[TARGET: PLANETARY CRUST]
[ACTION: GEOTHERMAL RE-ROUTING]
Mali slammed his will into the planet. He bypassed the monsters and went straight for the core. He seized the magma vents beneath the ocean and widened them. He adjusted the tectonic plates. He cracked the planet's crust in specific, strategic geometric patterns.
The Sludge Ocean began to boil. Not with anger. With Steam.
" TOO HOT! " the Titan screamed as the temperature spiked to a comfortable 104°F (40°C).
"We're just getting started," Mali said.
He turned his gaze to the chemical composition of the ocean itself.
[SKILL: ALKAHEST TRANSMUTATION]
[TARGET: SLUDGE]
[CONVERSION: TOXINS -> MINERALS]
He stripped the acid. He removed the sulfur. He injected the concepts of "Epsom Salt," "Lavender," and "Eucalyptus."
The transformation was instantaneous.
The murky, green, acidic ocean rippled and turned a crystal-clear, vibrant turquoise. The stench of rotten eggs vanished, replaced by the soothing scent of a high-end sauna. The thick yellow smog cleared, revealing a soft, starry sky.
The Sludge-Titans looked down at themselves. They were no longer made of toxic waste. They were made of... warm, mineral-rich healing water.
" WE FEEL... CLEAN? " the Titan gurgled, its voice losing its gravelly edge. " WHY DO WE FEEL SO RELAXED? "
"Because you're not monsters anymore," Mali announced, descending from the ship. "You're Jacuzzi jets."
He landed on a rock outcropping that he had just transmuted into polished marble. He dropped his robe, revealing swimming trunks made of gold-threaded fabric.
"Anya!" he called up to the ship. "Room service!"
[THE SPA DATE]
Anya descended the ramp. She stopped. She stared.
Five minutes ago, this was hell. Now, it was the Blue Lagoon. Steam rose gently from the turquoise water. The air smelled divine. And the former Sludge-Titans were happily bubbling away, acting as massive, sentient water fountains.
"You..." Anya whispered, her eyes wide. "You terraformed a planet for a bath?"
"I optimized the resources," Mali corrected, wading into the water. He sighed as the heat hit his muscles. "The salts are excellent for the joints. Come on in. The water's fine."
Anya didn't hesitate. She dropped her own robe and slid into the water beside him. She groaned in pure ecstasy as the mineral water soothed her aching back.
"Oh my god," she breathed, leaning her head back against the marble edge. "Mali. This is... this is better than unmaking them."
"I unmade the dirt," Mali said, moving behind her to massage her shoulders. "Same difference."
They relaxed in the thermal waters of the planet formerly known as Vog. The Sludge-Lords, now the Spa-Lords, floated around them, confused but strangely content with their new purpose in life.
" DO YOU REQUIRE... BUBBLES? " a Spa-Lord asked politely, hovering near them.
"Yes," Anya commanded. "Gentle bubbles on the lower back, please."
The Spa-Lord obliged, churning the water with perfect pressure.
"Mali," Anya said, her eyes closed, her skin glowing in the steam. "I think the Triumvirate likes it. They stopped kicking."
"See?" Mali kissed her wet shoulder. "They have refined taste. They appreciate luxury."
He pulled her closer, the water swirling around them. The tension of the last few months melted away. Here, in a hot tub the size of an ocean, they weren't the rulers of the universe. They were just two tired parents catching a break.
"You know," Mali whispered against her neck, his hands roaming underwater. "Since the water is warm... and the kids are asleep..."
Anya turned in his arms, splashing him lightly. "Sovereign. Are you suggesting we defile this sacred healing pool?"
"I'm suggesting we bless it," he grinned.
She laughed, pulling him into a deep kiss. The Spa-Lords, sensing the mood (and fearing the Sovereign), politely drifted away to give them privacy, churning a wall of steam to block the view.
[MEANWHILE - IN THE VOG CORE]
Deep beneath the crust, the King of Vog—an ancient, dormant pollution demon named Grot—woke up.
He felt the change. The acid was gone. The hate was gone. His minions were... giving massages?
" HERESY! " Grot roared, rising from the seabed.
He was massive. A mountain of solid, compacted trash and concentrated poison. He breached the surface of the turquoise lagoon, a dark, jagged stain on Mali's perfect spa day.
" WHO DARES CLEANSE MY WORLD? " Grot bellowed, blocking out the stars. " I WILL DROWN YOU IN FILTH! "
Mali didn't even let go of Anya. He just turned his head, looking over his shoulder at the massive trash-demon.
"Hey," Mali said, his voice flat. "We're having a moment."
" DIE! " Grot threw a tsunami of garbage at them.
Mali sighed.
"Anya, love? Hold on tight."
"Always," she whispered, nipping his ear.
Mali raised one hand out of the water. He didn't stand up. He didn't stop holding his wife.
[SKILL: GENESIS TOUCH]
[TARGET: TRASH DEMON]
[ACTION: RECYCLE]
A beam of pure white light shot from Mali's finger. It hit Grot in the chest.
The demon froze. The trash composing his body began to separate. Plastic. Glass. Metal. Organic matter.
" WHAT IS HAPPENING? I FEEL... SORTED! "
The mountain of trash dissolved. In its place, raw materials formed.
The metal became a beautiful, underwater domed structure. The glass became a skylight. The organic matter became a lush, tropical garden surrounding the pool.
Grot himself—the consciousness of the demon—was compressed into a small, floating robotic drone.
[NEW DESIGNATION: POOL BOY]
The little drone beeped, holding a tray with two fresh towels and a virgin piña colada.
" YOUR TOWELS, SIR? " the drone beeped, its demonic voice now tinny and helpful.
Mali took the towels with his telekinesis. "Thank you, Grot. Keep the temperature at 104."
He turned back to Anya, who was shaking with silent laughter.
"You recycled the boss," she said.
"He was messy," Mali shrugged. "Now, where were we?"
"I believe," Anya said, wrapping her legs around him underwater, "you were about to bless the pool."
And so, on the planet of Vog, amidst the steam and the stars, the Sovereign and the Empress continued their very thorough inspection of the facilities.
[THE AFTERMATH]
The next morning, the Stiletto departed.
Behind them, the Planet Vog was unrecognizable. It was a shimmering blue jewel in space. The Galactic Tourism Board (and Pip the Archivist) would later rename it "The Royal Springs." It would become the most exclusive resort in the galaxy, known for its sentient, polite water and its aggressive towel service.
Inside the ship, Anya was glowing. Her skin was soft, her back pain was gone, and she was radiating contentment.
"That was a 10/10 date," she declared, drying her hair.
"I aim to please," Mali said, setting a new course.
He checked the Quest Log.
[QUEST: THE PARENTAL CRUSADE]
[PROGRESS: MONTH 2 COMPLETE]
[NEXT TARGET: THE CHRONO-SERPENT OF SECTOR X]
Mali frowned. "The Chrono-Serpent. That's the one that eats time, right?"
"Yes," Anya said, checking the database. "It creates localized loops. It makes Mondays last for 72 hours."
Mali's face darkened.
"Unacceptable," he growled. "When the triplets start school, weekends are going to be sacred. No one steals my Saturday mornings."
He punched the hyperdrive.
"Let's go teach a snake how to tell time."
The Stiletto vanished into warp, leaving a paradise in its wake, hunting for the next poor monster that dared to inconvenience the Triumvirate.