My thoughts were dark as I stalked through the quiet streets back to the car park, Kevin limping along beside me.
Something had changed inside of me. Even just a few days ago I wouldn't have even considered doing what I just did, let alone enjoyed it. I couldn't tell where Chloe ended, and I began anymore, and it just made my decision easier.
Once I had completed Orryn's task, I would demand my release. I would go through the afterlife and take whatever fate awaited me.
No matter what it was, I deserved it.
I glanced across at Kevin and pressed my lips firmly together. I could still taste him. His scent still lurking in my nostrils.
He could have her back. He deserved that.
Kevin kept casting glances my way, more confused than anything, but I studiously ignored him and cast about for Anna. She was parked not far from the entrance to the car park and climbed out of the car as I trotted over.
"How'd it go?"
Kevin stopped to crouch beside the front end of her car, running his hands over the damage as he looked it over critically.
"It worked," I said, shortly. "Tell you later. Let's just go."
Her brow furrowed and she turned to study Kevin before looking back at me and cocking her brow. I shook my head, biting my lower lip and practically hopping from foot to foot in my need to leave.
"Please," I said on the verge of tears. "Not now."
Anna bobbed her head and clucked her tongue softly. "Okay, hon. You get in the car."
I didn't need much urging, and I buckled myself in as Anna went to crouch beside Kevin. I sniffed and wiped my nose with the blouse sleeve. Grimacing at the mix of blood and snot I'd left there.
Very ladylike, I thought and almost burst into tears right then.
That was the last thing I wanted to be.
Kevin gestured at the car, setting his jaw stubbornly while Anna shook her head. He pulled a card out of his wallet and thrust it at her, while she held up her hands. He grew more insistent; she sighed and accepted it with a nod and a smile of thanks.
He looked my way, faint stirring of a frown beginning, and Anna caught his arm. She said something and he tilted his head towards her, listening. After a moment, he nodded, and she came back to the driver's side and pulled open the door.
She climbed in with a smile and gave him a wave as she pulled on her seatbelt.
"What was that about?" I sniffed again and balled my fists angrily.
I couldn't get this damn body to stop crying all the damned time!
"His mechanics number," she said. "Insisted on paying for the damage since it was his idea."
"He's a good guy."
There were the tears again. Shimmering in my vision as I dug my nails into the palm of my hand in an attempt to stop them falling.
"Yes," Anna said, watching me. "He is, isn't he."
Kevin waved as we pulled away and I twisted in my seat as we drove out of the car park, watching as he returned to his car with only the slightest of limps.
I sank into the seat in abject misery, not really paying attention to where we were going until we were headed out of the city.
"Where are you taking us?"
"My place," she said, smiling. "Figured you'd like a chance to clean up and have a chat away from anyone who might interrupt."
Like the parents.
Made sense.
I sniffed and turned my head to stare out of the window. My thoughts were heavy, and unpleasant and went in circles, doing nothing but make me feel all the more miserable.
With it came the release of the adrenaline my body had been pumping through my veins during the fight, and with that, came a wave of tiredness that had me yawning. The quiet passage of her car had me caught in a cozy bubble, the sounds of the outside world distant.
I almost dozed, rousing myself only as Anna brought the car to a stop outside of her house.
"Come on," she said. "Let's get you sorted."
Inside the house was much as I remembered. Clean, and ordered, and calm. Like Anna was.
I followed her upstairs to the bathroom and sat on the edge of wide bath as she ran it. She added soft powders that had a summer scent that was pleasant to the senses. She added some liquid that raised a considerable number of bubbles that floated atop the steaming water.
She patted the top of the wicker hamper beside the door.
"Put your clothes here and I'll give them a quick wash. Everything," she insisted. "No idea what foulness that demon might have had on it."
"Sure."
"I'll replace with towels and a robe."
She left me alone, half-closing the door. I was a little nervous about getting naked in someone else's house. I had no real reason to be, but the idea of someone seeing my naked body as it was now, screwed with my head.
So, I stripped out of my clothes quickly and climbed into the bath.
Which was the best thing I'd ever felt.
The warm water drew the stress and tension of the last few days out of my muscles, and I sank beneath the water. Chloe's body was an advantage as I was now short enough to almost entirely submerge myself with just my knees and head sticking out of the water.
"You decent?"
"Yah."
Anna poked her head around the door and exchanged my piled clothes for towels and a robe. She left without a word and for a while, I just lay back and soaked in the warm, soothing waters.
I felt calm, for the first time since I'd died.
That first time.
Not that there had been much calm in my previous life. That had been harsh, and angry. I was mad at the world. At mums' array of shitty boyfriends and pointless life I had been living.
I hadn't mattered.
Not then.
But now, I did. I'd made a difference.
Three demons were gone. How many people would that save?
I didn't know. Wasn't sure if it was enough to change the outcome of where I was headed next, when this was done, but I didn't really care.
It just felt good to know that I'd been useful to someone, even if they would never know it.
Eventually, the water began to cool and I climbed out, rubbing myself dry with a fluffy white towel. I let the tub drain and raked my fingers through the worst of the tangles in my wet hair. It was still weird having long hair at all, and caring for it was a bitch.
The clothes Anna had left turned out to be a white nightie with spaghetti straps and a hem that ended just above my knee. With little choice, I slipped it over my head and then pulled on the pale, purple bathrobe.
Anna was in the living room, a cup of tea sitting forgotten on the table beside her as she stared into an open fire that roared merrily. She looked up as I came in and smiled, softly.
"Sorry about the clothes. None of mine would fit you." She gestured at her body, and I couldn't help but agree. She had wider hips, and a bigger bust. "Hope that's okay."
"I'm adapting, right?" I said, repeating her own words back to her, and she laughed.
"Yeah, that you are."
I sank into the chair opposite her and crossed my legs, feeling the warmth of the flames. I let my head rest against the back of the chair as I curled inwards, towards the warmth, like a cat. Which reminded me of the ginger cat at Morag's house.
"You want to talk about it?"
Not really, but I did anyway.
I filled her in with as much detail as I could about the interaction with Morag. Anna listened quietly, not interrupting, until I got to the part about Orryn.
"He spoke to you, again?"
"Yes."
"You're sure." Her forehead creased. "This is important."
"I get that."
She was silent as I explained what he said and then described the fight and my realisation of how I could do what Orryn wanted.
Anna nodded slowly after I'd done, her thoughts taking her mind elsewhere as her eyes grew distant. After a moment, her lips twisted, and she shook her head then looked back at me.
"That's not what had you upset, was it?"
I hadn't known her for long, but I couldn't help feeling that she was a friend. Not just someone I could hang around with and do stupid shit, like Benny. But someone I could actually talk to about things that mattered.
About the good, the bad, and those other things, the ones that scared me a little.
So, I told her.
About the kiss, and how it made me feel, twisting me up inside and confusing my mind. Then, about the guilt because of how I knew that Kevin thought I was someone else and I was just using him. Manipulating him.
That I would end up hurting him.
Anna rose from her seat and padded to where I sat on silent feet. She crouched beside me and took my hand in hers, forcing me to look her in the eyes.
"You're not a bad person to want to be loved."
"I don't," I said, my voice almost a whine. "I just… I… I don't bloody know what I want."
"Yes." She smiled, gently. "You do."
I sniffed and looked away, lips twisting and an ache in my breast.
"You know I'm not gay."
"Oh, stop that, right away," she snapped. "You're a girl. Whatever you were before, right here, right now, you're a girl. It's okay that you feel attraction to him. He's a pretty great guy."
"He is, isn't he."
I groaned. I sounded like a lovesick schoolgirl.
Screw me!
"This is ridiculous."
"Look," she said. "You have a goal here, right?"
I nodded, though likely not the goal she was thinking of.
"Then complete it. We find this boss-demon, defeat it, keep your sister and mum safe and complete your bargain with Orryn."
"And then?" I smiled, sadly. "Chloe's soul is still gone. Even if I can make a new bargain with Orryn, get my own body and life back. She will still be gone."
Kevin would be devastated. Her parents too. They loved her so much.
The ache in my breast only grew as I thought of that.
No matter what happened, I would leave a mess behind along with a dead girl.
It wasn't fair.
"Life rarely is," Anna said, and I blinked, realising I'd said that out loud.
She patted my hand and rose, looking down on me without condemnation or anger. No sorrow nor pity. Just… compassion.
And friendship.
"One thing to remember," she said. "If what you said is true, and Chloe's soul has moved on…"
"What?"
"Then there's no reason you should feel guilt for living her life for a little while. You've not stolen it from her; you've just extended it a little longer so that those who loved her can have a bit more time with her."
That wasn't what I'd have expected her to say and as she went to check on the washing, I turned back to the flames and stared at them as I became lost in thought.