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Chapter 76: Cosmic Joke
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"Are you perhaps retarded?" Adam asked, his voice devoid of inflection.
The diner seemed to grow colder.
"The word 'rude' was invented because of you. Evil saw you and decided he wasn't evil enough. Pedophiles have you as their idol."
Adam listed the insults with the calm cadence of a news anchor. "The most successful whore in history doesn't take as much dick as you do, because why the fuck are you on my dick all month long?"
He leaned forward, his heterochromatic eyes boring into the demon's borrowed ones. "So I'll ask you clearly. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Are you certain? Because I swear that if you continue, I will expand your horizon of what hell means."
[Lmao!] [Lmao!] [Lmao!] [Lmao!] [Lmao!]
[HHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!]
[AKHAAKAKAKAKA!]
[AZHAZAZAZAZAZA!]
[OHOHOHOHOHO!]
[The fucking roast show!! Mephisto is retarded, though. The fuck does he mean rude? HE IS THE ONE WHO WENT AFTER ADAM!]
[This is the most audacious, suicidal, hilarious thing I have ever witnessed. F Adam.] [R.I.P Adam.]
["Why the fuck are you on my dick all month long?" I AM DYING!]
[Relax. It wasn't that funny.]
[Retarded much? Does it come as a surprise that people's laugh threshold can be very different?]
[True true, I laughed in my grandma's funeral and still don't understand why to this day.]
[...] [...] [...] [...] [...] [Ok, maybe not to that degree.]
Tony Stark, his fear momentarily eclipsed by sheer, undiluted awe, had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from barking a laugh.
This maniac is insulting a demon's sexual proclivities to its face.
The demonic brunette's face contorted. The playful malice vanished, replaced by a seething, cosmic irritation that made the air vibrate. The voice that emerged was several octaves lower, layered with the echoes of damned souls.
"Do you even comprehend who you address, little insect? You know the name Mephisto, but you grasp nothing of the abyss you taunt. Surrender to the contract. Your struggle only deepens your fall. You will lose everything."
Adam's expression didn't change. If anything, it softened, mellowing into a look of profound pity. He released a soft chuckle of genuine amusement.
"But Mephisto," He said, as if correcting a slow child, "I understand what you are. I may have even overestimated you many times over..."
"But do you understand who I will be?" His voice dropped to a deadly, intimate whisper. "Do you understand that continuing to be my enemy guarantees your eventual, undignified death?"
"I... It's I who will make sure you lose everything you've schemed for over eons. You will fall before my hands like the insignificant, parasitic insect you are."
The possessed body trembled, a vessel straining under the pressure of its passenger's rage.
Adam was way too fucking annoying.
If the demon wanted to unleash hell or some shrill, irritating sounds.
It never came.
The woman's eyes rolled back in her head. Her body convulsed once, a full-body shudder, and then went completely limp, slumping against the vinyl booth.
A tiny, spider-like mechanical drone, no larger than a coin, detached itself from the base of her skull where it had injected a micro-dosage of a neuro-electric disruptor Adam had designed for elephants.
It skittered back across the table and leaped onto Adam's wrist, disappearing into his sleeve.
Adam looked genuinely surprised. "Huh. It actually worked." He poked the unconscious woman's cheek with the blunt end of his knife.
"I thought for sure you'd put on a little light show. Throw some hellfire, maybe curse the cutlery."
He shook his head, a disappointed smile on his lips, musing in his mind 'Seems the sorcerers babysitting this reality are actually doing their job. No fun.'
He looked at the woman's slack face, his expression shifting to one of theatrical sorrow. "Why so serious though?"
He crooned to the empty air, as if Mephisto were still listening. "Such a cold, demonic expression doesn't suit the face of such a beauty. Why don't you go back to hell, gain some enlightenment?"
"Learn to laugh. Smile in the face of adversity." He paused, then let out a bright, genuine laugh at his own advice. "It's what I do! Minus the adversity."
He wasn't sure if Mephisto was listening, but if he was, he sure wanted to ragebait him a little bit more, though he was admittedly unsure if Mephisto was actually angry or just acting, for some reason.
[Dude, trust me, he must be angry after you cut the show short!]
["No fun." I think he's losing it more and more.]
[The sheer, titanium-plated balls, or maybe just a deathwish.]
Internally, another piece clicked into place. The absurd Ying Yang Harmony ability.
Mephisto sending a possessed, attractive woman to intercept him… Was the cosmic joke even more layered?
Did the universe, via demographic analytics, think the solution to his Mephisto problem was to… bond with him?
The thought was so profoundly, cosmically stupid that it looped back around to being terrifying.
Sure, someone like Mephisto must know how to tempt and please for the sake of deception, and he would show him a good night... But.
Imagining fucking a red slimy demon, yikes. Maybe if the demon was actually a lady, hot, and wouldn't suck him dry out of what little years he has left.
He didn't want to know. Some lines, even he wouldn't cross.
However, the Chinese audience is quite kinky for wanting him to dual cultivate with Mephisto.
Well, maybe that wasn't the kind of dual cultivation they imagined, but Adam was still spiteful due to the currently useless ability their observation granted him.
It's just that he couldn't be too mad because Ying Yang Harmony has infinite potential.
He just would've preferred literally anything else on the technological side.
Blade didn't waste time on philosophy. The moment the woman collapsed, he was moving.
He pressed the rune-etched stake against her forehead, where it began to smoke faintly, not burning the skin but causing the unconscious form to twitch.
He then uncapped the holy water and dribbled a line across her brow and lips.
A faint, hissing sound emanated from her pores, and a wisp of black, foul-smelling smoke dissipated into the air.
Adam raised a brow at that. He felt like he must use... Learn Blade's experience and master some anti-demon bullshit.
Satisfied the entity was gone, Blade warily scanned the diner before fixing his shaded gaze on Adam.
"How," He asked, each word measured, "Did you earn the ire of something like Mephisto?" The name was spoken with a weight Tony roughly understood.
This wasn't a common demon. This was a legend even among monsters. Mephisto has numerous horror stories about him; he could only imagine what the real thing is like.
Adam shrugged, as if asked about a bothersome telemarketer. "My second wife, Trouble, is incredibly hot. She apparently attracts all sorts of unwanted admirers."
He took a sip of his now-cold water. "Mephisto, however, might be a cuck. He seems to enjoy watching me have fun with her from the sidelines."
Blade stared at him for a long, silent moment. He slowly shook his head. "You're fucked in the head," He stated, not as an insult, but as what he perceived to be a clinical fact. "And having Mephisto as an enemy is not something to laugh about."
Adam opened his mouth, likely to explain why it was, in fact, the height of comedy and entertainment, but decided against it. He simply shrugged again.
The plight of being the main character is that he never lacks entertainment, even if he has to make it himself.
He gestured between the two men. "Eric Brooks, the Daywalker. Tony Stark, a decently rich and smart individual, will be paying for us poors throughout the trip. Tony, Eric."
It was, as usual, weird words coming out of that mouth, Tony much too used to him.
Tony gave a stiff, still-shell-shocked nod. "Daywalker? We're hunting Dracula, so figures, I guess."
"Now," Adam said brightly, picking up his spoon, "if you'll both excuse me, I have some delicious, and now tragically lukewarm, venison stew to get back to."
Blade's mouth twitched beneath his glasses, the closest he'd come to an expression all night.
Tony managed a weak, shaky laugh, but it was a brittle sound. The laughter couldn't hide the cold, deep-seated paranoia that had just taken root in his soul.
Demons were real.
Gods and angels may also be real.
And he was sitting in a diner with a vampire hunter and a man who insulted a hell-lord over lunch.
Get me out of this fucking world, or get me some shrooms to reach eternal highness now!!
[Tony's laugh at the end… that's the sound of a man's worldview breaking.]
[Tony has been introduced to infinite paranoia early. What could go wrong?]
[Overprepare or a Ultron situation, depending on which Marvel universe this is.]
[F Tony's mental.] [+1] [+1] [+1] [+1] [+1] [+1]
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