I put down my phone and rubbed my strained eyes. I was doing it again.
Nights before anything were always the worst. Because it was always then that my anxiety spiked for whatever reason and I did things detrimental for my own goals.
Like right now. Reading for hours into the night because I felt like I had to. All to just distract myself from my anxious thoughts and what felt like the physical presence of my shortening time until initiation weighing on me.
'Why am I like this!?' I thought in frustration.
I forced myself to turn off my phone, took off my headphones, and snuggled deep into my sleeping bag. I needed to get some sleep. I couldn't think of anything worse than fighting monsters when exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I closed my eyes and did my best to think of wholesome things. Like how cute those two characters were. Crossdressing girls and tomboys were the best.
I didn't know how long I was trying to get to sleep while thinking of stupid shit like that.
Yet I couldn't, despite how hard I was trying. 'Just one more chapter,' my traitorous brain told me. Knowing damn well that it wouldn't be just one chapter.
But, eventually, it won.
'Fuck it.'
I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight.
I listened to music, read, and wrote throughout the night.
*****
Surprisingly, I wasn't that tired. Due to Aura probably. How that worked, I had no idea.
Anyways, it felt like my stomach was being rearranged into knots by a fist slowly twisting and digging itself into my intestines. Not a pleasant feeling, but nothing I wasn't used to. Even if I really felt like going to Ozpin and telling him everything. But no.
'I'm not going to back out of this,' I told myself. I wanted to at least try my hand at being a Huntsman.
I took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. There was an attempt, but as usual it didn't help. At all.
Thankfully, before I could have any further negative thoughts, a bunch of teachers entered the ballroom. We split into groups with different teachers being the one leading us.
Glynda Goodwitch was mine. I noticed Ruby and Yang in the group as well before averting my eyes.
Trying to hype myself up, I put on "Ready To" from Brand New Animal. Specifically, the cover by Amalee. I had never watched the anime, but I liked the song.
As we got outside, I squinted due to the sun being high in the sky. My eyes already felt like they were burning. I didn't know how other people endured being outside all the time.
Inwardly reciting the lyrics to myself, it felt like no time at all had passed before we made it to the cliffs. We lined up on launch pads, and I took off my headphones for a moment to listen to what Ozpin, who had been waiting for us, would say.
"For years, you have trained to become warriors—" Ruby and Yang side eyed me as he said that, "—and today, your abilities will be evaluated in the Emerald Forest."
He went on to explain how teams would be formed and what to do. Nothing I hadn't known already.
"Good! Now, take your positions."
Having listened to Ready To on repeat a few times already, I decided to change it. With a pounding heart, I changed it to, "Burn My Dread," the version sung by Azumi Takahashi.
I closed my eyes, tucked my chin in, and sat down. I held my knees loosely to my chest, trying my best to relax my body. Which wasn't hard.
Because I really liked this song. Actually, I really liked most if not all music from the Persona games. And in the Persona 3 Reload soundtrack, this song was tied with Full Moon Full Life in being my favorite.
I had been listening to the Persona soundtrack over and over for the past few months. Which was saying a lot, for me. Because usually I found a few new songs I listened to until I got bored of them, and then found new ones, repeat.
I think I wasn't bored of this song and others not just because it was a good song, but because I really liked the lyrics. And what they meant to me.
'Nightly dance
Of bleeding swords
Reminds me that
I still live'
I really liked the pre-chorus. Because I could relate. Not the bleeding swords part, but the part of not feeling alive.
Like I didn't have a heart.
To be honest, I didn't really feel many emotions day-to-day aside from irritation, frustration, annoyance, anxiety, disappointment, apathy, or amusement. I didn't know I was sad unless I was already crying.
It got so bad, that at one point, I just started searching for things that made me cry. To feel something pulsing in my chest, even if it was an aching sadness.
And it's why I liked the next lyrics, the chorus even more.
'I will burn my dread'
In the game, you could interpret that as fear. Fear of mortality, death. Apathy. Resentment.
Yet it could mean many things aside from that. Because I didn't think I was that scared of dying. Or maybe I was. To be honest, I didn't think about it that much. Though when I did, it never really brought up any emotions.
Just the thought that, 'Well, I'd prefer it if that didn't happen.' But I couldn't really control it, and thinking about it wouldn't really do anything. So I just... didn't.
What I did think about often, though, were the innumerable amount of other things I was scared of. Pain, failure, rejection, change, bugs, responsibility, loneliness, staying like this, and more.
'I once ran away from the god of fear
And he chained me to despair
Burn my dread
I will break the chain and run til I see the sunlight again'
Every time I listened to this song, it felt like… I could acknowledge the emotions I held and move past them. Even if it was only for the four minutes and thirty-nine seconds it played.
When usually all I did was pretend they didn't exist. Stuffed my head in books, videos, and games like an ostrich.
But, before my thoughts could continue any further, suddenly—
—I was floating.
My eyes couldn't help but open, and what I saw…
… was a vast, blue sky, the sun continuing to sear itself into my eyes, and a sea of green canopy.
For a brief moment, I forgot everything. It was all overriden by a sense of weightlessness so intense, that it felt like I would continue to soar until I was swallowed by that blue sky.
Was this what flying felt like? It felt so relaxing...
But then, reality kicked in. And then? Gravity. I was falling. Wind rushed past my ears until I could barely hear the music.
And yet, surprisingly, I felt calm.
You have Obtained 3 Spins for discovering Your Semblance, Reverie!
An instinctual understanding of an aspect of my very being. More akin to a feeling. Like how I just knew where my hands were, even if it was completely pitch black.
It was the Semblance of my Mind. Reverie.
Depending on the genre of music, what it meant, lyrics, it would enhance different parts of myself. And the louder the music, the greater the enhancement. Physically, mentally, and sometimes, emotionally. Currently, it was helping me keep calm, and allowing my thoughts to flow faster, perception to slightly increase. Not that my other emotions were gone, just a bit lesser.
The downsides were that it required an outside stimulus to activate. Music. As well as the fact that it could damage my hearing. Fortunately, the latter was basically null thanks to a perk I had, though I couldn't do anything to fix the former.
But, all in all, it was a very versatile Semblance.
The problem? It did absolutely nothing to help with the fact that I was currently falling at Mach fuck me.
The reason I had curled into a ball and loosened my body earlier is because while I didn't doubt Aura would protect me from dying, hopefully, I did doubt whether it would prevent landing on a bad angle and breaking a bone. Still…
I closed my eyes. Did that make it better? Kinda. Not really. Anticipation welled in my gut as I did my best not to tense in brace of the awaiting pain.
Unfortunately, I didn't do well. My body tensed instinctively as I felt the first leaves and branches collide with me. It felt like a sharp whip of wood and splinters. Aura doing nothing to numb the pain.
And then…
… impact.
My bones rattled within my flesh as my vision flashed white and then black. It didn't hurt, for a moment. But then, as if my body suddenly realized, 'ah shit, that hurt,' it came. Pain.
I wouldn't say pain was an old friend. I hated pain. I was scared of pain. I did my utmost to avoid pain.
But of all the pain, there was one type that I hated the most. The type where it felt like I couldn't breathe.
Desperately, I rolled on the ground, grasping at my chest as I tried to take in deep breaths, and yet found myself unable due to a sharp pain and feeling as if my chest was too small for my lungs. Tears welled up in my eyes.
But, quicker than I would have thought, it started to fade. And breathing started coming easier and easier to me.
I laid on the grassy floor, my chest rising and falling as I sucked in as much air as I could. My entire body splayed out like I was a starfish.
"Fuck," I eventually groaned. I had a lot of colorful thoughts towards Ozpin, the sadistic bastard, and a tiny bit of envy towards Jaune at how easy he had it. As well as how I could've had my own champion to help me, but I instantly beat it out of my mind.
That felt creepy, and manipulative. Plus, as much as I was complaining, I did have Aura, while Jaune didn't. He might have actually died if he was in my place.
That thought sobered me up instantly. I forced myself to sit up. 'Right. I actually need to do this stupid test. To become a Huntsman.'
Which I was having second thoughts about. And thirds. And fourths. And fifths. All the way up to twentieth.
And honestly, it was stupid. I mean, why use chess pieces? It was so cliché. Practically every story used chess as a metaphor.
Why not make the prospective students find actual relics? Use child labor to actually do something useful.
'What am I even thinking about?' I rubbed my face with my hands. 'Maybe that fall knocked a screw loose.' Hopefully not. I needed all the screws I could get.
Standing up, I looked around the little forest area I found myself in. It was… well, it was a forest.
The trees were tall and numerous, bushes here and there, the buzzing of insects omnipresent. And my headphones which were a couple meters away, surprisingly in one piece.
I went to pick them up, but as I bent down… I heard something. Something that sounded like growling.
'Fuck. No, please. Wait—' Oh shit. If I was sobered before, now? Minty fresh.
I rapidly snapped my head in either direction, sweat flying as I searched for something that I was coming to realize just wasn't there. A weapon. I had forgotten to ask for a weapon.
I put my headphones back on, as if that would do anything, pressed play on my phone which rested snuggly within my pocket, and started full on sprinting away from where I heard the growl. I kept my hand in my pocket on the sound button in case I needed to turn it up.
As I ran, I noticed something about my Semblance. I could still hear the outside world just fine. Even with headphones on and music playing. Specifically, whatever the hell was crashing through the thickets in chase of me. Useful, as having one of my most important senses dampened would have been a major kick to the balls.
'No. Right now is really not the time to think about this. Something is chasing me!'
I continued sprinting in the forest, breaking straight through foliage and branches, passing trees. Not a single branch nicked me thanks to Aura.
The worst part of the experience was that I heard it chasing me. Branches snapping, leaves rustling, ragged breaths, the sound of its feet beating the ground. I didn't dare look back, as it felt as if it were right on my heels.
As I ran, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. Feel the beads of sweat rolling down my face. The collisions of my feet with the ground that reverberated throughout my entire being. And I realized that as terrifying as this was… it was also exhilarating.
I was running so fast that objects in the peripherals of my vision became blurs, like when I was in a car. I could maintain and mostly react at this speed, jumping over gaps in the dirt or over fallen logs without stopping. I was genuinely superhuman. And this was without any training or actual applicable knowledge of Aura.
'What could I do with training?'
It was distracting thoughts and emotions like those which made me unable to consciously react. It appeared suddenly.
Dark. No, not dark. Shadows. Roiling shadows that pulsed, radiating wispy clouds of black mist, and looked reminiscent of muscles. A flash of ivory decorated with red.
I couldn't stop due to the unfamiliarity with my new speed. It lunged.
Without even thinking, my finger reacted. It pressed down hard on the audio button of my phone. Music…
Blaring music so loud it hurt. So loud it smothered any other sound. So loud I could feel the vibrations rattling my skull.
Yet the Beowulf, at least, I assumed it was a Beowulf, was stopped. No, not stopped, but slower.
Due to adrenaline, Aura, and my Semblance, I could perceive things faster than ever before. Thoughts and emotions came rushing like tidal waves, drowning out even the focused calm that my Semblance tried to help me keep.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
'Great,' I thought. 'I can die slower and feel it in more excruciating detail than anyone who has ever died.' A grand achievement, really.
'Wait, no. I have Aura. I won't die from the first swipe, or bite, or whatever. Actually, won't that only prolong my already slow death, and how much Aura do I even have? Probably not a lot thanks to fucking Ozpin.'
'How do I get out of this? There's one in front of me and one behind me, unless that was just an animal sound before.' Unlikely.
I couldn't turn on a dime due to momentum.
I couldn't even stop quick enough. The difference between my mind and body was so great at the moment, that even though I could notice and think, I just couldn't react. The signals my brain sent wouldn't travel quick enough.
I didn't have 100 or 300 milliseconds to react. I had to stop now or I was screwed. And while my last death may have been instant, I did not have high hopes for this one.
But how? How could I stop—
Of course.
'—Aura. But can Aura even do that? Actually, no, it doesn't matter if it can, it has to.'
I didn't know a single thing on how to manipulate it. But it was My Soul.
It would do whatever I needed it to, and right now, I needed to stop.
And it responded.
It was weird. What Aura, my Soul, felt like as it concentrated on my legs.
I thought it would feel warm, or maybe even like a hug. Instead, it felt… empty or hollow. Like I could fit something inside.
But it didn't matter how it felt. Because it worked. The Aura surrounding my legs glowed an even deeper blue, and as if it almost solidified, it became rigid. My one foot that was on the ground became rooted in place and the other that was lifting as slow as the Beowulf stopped.
With the help of gravity, and all the momentum that had to go somewhere… I tipped over. Due to the sudden stop, my headphones slipped from my head, and as if play had been pressed on a video, my perception adjusted back to normal.
My Aura flared protectively as I practically hit the ground by running straight into it as the lunging Beowulf sailed over my head. I scrambled to my feet, adrenaline allowing me to ignore the pain and disorientation, and restarted my sprint. My speed dipped for just a moment as I scooped up my headphones. I heard the Beowulf crash into something.
'Hopefully the other Grimm, or whatever it is.' Definitely a Grimm. What else would chase me for so long? Unless it was a psycho student. And if so, nothing of value was lost.
'Stop thinking about stupid shit and focus!' I practically screamed at myself.
Turning down the volume on my headphones to a third of the bar, I put them back on my head, and a focused calm came over me.
Still running, I pulled out my phone. The screen was still on since I changed the Auto-Lock setting to never.
'What music genre will help me?' I personally considered Burn My Dread as Alternative Rock. Was it? I had no idea.
But currently, it was helping me keep calm, enhance my perception, and something else probably. What would help me?
'Something energetic.' That sounded vague, but I knew exactly the song I needed.
"Play Dice" by Hakos Baelz. It was the type of song I figured a gambling addicted crack addict listened to.
I liked it.
Using the corners of my vision, I scrolled and eventually selected it. As it switched, I turned up the volume, and…
'Baby, how's your life?
Are you living free?
Let's forget everything and have some fun'
My heart began racing. Pounding so fast it hurt. Like a thousand milligrams of caffeine were injected straight into my brain by repeatedly slamming a syringe until the glass containing it broke.
Pure energy.
My nerves felt like they were on a hair trigger. As if at even the slightest command from my brain, my body would do whatever it needed to do and it would do so, instantaneously.
Pure reaction.
My legs shot out like bullets the very moment they were able, slamming so hard and so frequently into the ground they started becoming tingly.
Pure speed.
Thoughts weren't even a thing I did anymore. My brain fixated on one thing and one thing only. Running. Running the best, most efficiently I could. Breathing an appropriate amount, but only as much as I needed. My stride was perfect.
I didn't trip, I didn't stumble, I didn't hesitate.
Pure focus.
I ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And ran.
I ran until my legs became numb. Until my heart was beating so fast it felt like it stopped.
And then, I was in a clearing, and I saw it. Red and white.
'Ruby.' The first thought I had in a while. My mind instantly changed focus from running to stopping, and my body did so. I skidded to a stop, heels digging into the ground, causing small trenches in the earth to form.
Ruby, having heard me, turned around. Her eyes widened in recognition or surprise. Who I presumed to be Weiss was further ahead, not deigning to turn around.
I took off my headphones. As soon as I did so, I nearly collapsed. My body ached in a way that I don't think it ever had. I took in deep breaths, gasping, panting for air. My head felt like it was floating and in my vision the world decided to tilt.
I had to bend over and place my hands on my knees just to feel like I wouldn't fall over from a stiff breeze.
"Azure!" she shouted, nearly causing me to fall over. "Are you alright!?"
"I'm… I'm… I'm fine, you?" Raising my head to look at her, I somehow managed to squeeze the words out between breaths. All the while thinking how I really should've taken God up on his offer of making myself fit and muscly. Fuck wanting to work for them.
Seriously. This hurt.
Ruby proceeded to grimace. "Things have been fine, I think." She glanced at her partner who hadn't stopped and deflated. Real subtle.
"Partner troubles?"
"Yeah, she sucks," she said sullenly.
"That's too bad, but, uh, if it's alright, could I stick with the two of you? I was kind of being chased by some Grimm."
"Grimm?" Ruby instantly perked up and readied her scythe. Her eyes scanned the surroundings and I did the same.
But nothing came. She looked at me, her question clear. With a shrug, I said, "I guess I ran faster than I thought…"
My words were interrupted by a distant shriek. We turned to see Weiss marching towards us.
"Why did you stop!? We need to GO!" she shouted at Ruby, before turning to me.
"And who are you?" Her eyes narrowed. "Another child? Friend of yours?" she asked Ruby.
"You—!" Ruby turned an unhealthy red as her head whipped towards Weiss. But before she could say anything, I intervened. Because I really didn't feel like watching two people get into a shouting match. Not when my life and future career were on the line.
"I'm Azure. And I was in the middle of asking your partner here if I could tag along with the two of you."
"Absolutely not. You don't even have a weapon. You will not leech off my hard work," Weiss stated.
Ruby's head snapped towards me so fast that I internally winced for her poor neck. "You don't have a weapon!?"
I held out my empty hands and said, "I forgot to ask," as if that explained everything. Which, honestly? It did.
For a moment, Ruby couldn't even say anything; she was so flustered. Her mouth was just opening and closing. Eventually, she turned to her partner.
"No," Weiss refused before she could even ask.
"We have to! He doesn't have any idea what he's doing! He has no training and he just unlocked his Aura yesterday, c'mon Weiss!" Ruby pleaded.
Weiss looked surprised for a moment, before her face returned to its usual icy mold. "And that's our problem, how?"
Ruby flinched as if she had been slapped. Weiss had said that in such a way that even I felt it.
"Weiss, please…" Ruby's eyes became wet.
I froze. Wait, what? Was Ruby… actually going to cry? All because she wanted to help me, yet Weiss wouldn't let her? I couldn't describe how much of a piece of shit I felt like when my first thought after realizing that was, 'God, I hope not.'
Especially when I considered that I was the one who aggravated the already existing conflict between them.
Thankfully, I could fix this and prevent Ruby from crying. I knew it.
I just needed to convince Weiss. Easy.
Just because I usually didn't want to talk to people, didn't mean I couldn't. I would even, reluctantly, admit that I was quite good at it. At least, for someone who had barely spoken to his peers since the first year of middle school. I could do this.
"Look, just listen for a moment, alright?" My sudden words caused both of them to turn their heads towards me. "Ruby said your name was Weiss, as in Schnee, is that correct?"
"Precisely."
"Okay. I know Professor Ozpin said we'll die if we don't destroy all opposition, but, I mean, obviously that's false, right? If people died so commonly during this initiation, the public would know, wouldn't they? I think you understand that better than me. We didn't even sign any Waivers. So isn't that telling enough?"
Her eyes narrowed. "What are you saying?"
'And here I was thinking I didn't have any critical thinking skills. No, that's not fair.' As far as I was aware, she grew up in a rough household, and that becoming a Huntress was just an act of rebellion for her toward her father. If the fanfics were true, at least.
Fuck. I was using fanfics as gospel. Seriously, what was my life coming to...?
"I'm saying that Ozpin obviously said that to make us nervous and more agreeable to working together. I've seen the cameras scattered throughout this whole forest, not just to protect us, but to judge us as well. If Ozpin or any of the other teachers saw that you left what is practically a helpless civilian alone, do you think they would judge that as what a Huntress would do?"
"Do you think that is what a Huntress should do?"
"..."
"I'm not saying you should help me for free. But you won't be. Because if you do, this whole test is about teamwork, isn't it? You'll be learning how to escort a civilian, and how to work in a team. You'll be ahead of the curve. And what's more, ever heard of extra credit?"
Now, the ball was in her court. I had appealed to practically everything. Her pride, her logic, her kindness, so if she was anything like she was in the hundreds of RWBY fanfics I had read, then she would agree. She had to.
Weiss looked at me. And I mean she really looked at me. No, not a look. She was glaring. Like I had somehow inconvenienced her by giving a somewhat convincing argument.
And, honestly? I wasn't as anxious or intimidated as I thought I'd be.
In fact, I was calm enough to have the rather miscellaneous thought on how I was probably the only person she could genuinely look down upon, with how short she was. But it was during that idle thought that she finally moved, sharply turning her head, ponytail whipping through the air, and exhaling through her nose like a barely placated bull.
"Fine. He may come along. But if he slows us—"
"Yes!" Ruby pumped her clenched fists. Weiss just let out a long-suffering sigh, pinched the bridge of her nose, and mumbled something.
I let out a sigh of my own. Somehow, I managed to join team Weiss and Ruby.
Even if I didn't pass, at least I'd make it out of this test in one piece. Probably.
I mean, I had said Ozpin wouldn't let us die. But then again, who knew what went through an Immortal Wizard's mind?