While Henry sleeps, a number of things occur.
First, at the courthouse. The Judge and several law officials stand around the constitution for Fair City. It sits behind a sheet of glass enchanted with a dull gray aura that protects it at the front of the courthouse. They are confused and nervous.
This Judge is a tall, bald man with dark blue eyes. He wears black robes with the half red, half blue symbol of Libra painted across the front. A scale with one angelic wing on the left, and a bat wing on the right.
"Who's idea was this?" the Judge asks nervously. "And how are we even going to handle this?"
"I dunno, but it seems nice. I've been sick of my wife for a bit now." Law Official 1 says with some hope.
"Not me. I love my wife. This shit is the worst. She's tried running from home twice now already." Law Official 2 says tensely.
The Judge and the other Law Officials look away from Law Official 2 in unison. There's an awkward silence for several seconds.
Then the doors of the courthouse burst open. An angry woman is screaming, while a desperate, crying man is chasing her.
"I wanna divorce this cheating fuck, and I wanna do it now!" Angry Woman yells furiously.
"Please Susan! I'm begging youuu! I'm sorrryyyy!" Desperate, Crying Man begs.
"How did they already find out about the law!?" the Judge yells fearfully.
Suddenly a rush of angry, desperate, and miserable people come pouring in. They're all clamoring for divorces or begging for the divorce not to happen. The Judge and Law Officials are suddenly surrounded by this crowd. They try to shout over them, but to no avail.
This is a problem throughout the entire continent. All courthouses are like this. Some are trying to hide the law. Some are just handing out divorces left and right. And this one, among many, will begin making the legal process for completing a divorce.
I awaken to loud pounding on my door. This annoys the hell out of me. I get out of bed, rub my hands across my hair in an attempt to remove the bed head, and answer the door.
It's a crying man who is ranting about some nonsense.
"Sir, please! I need your help! I don't want to lose my wife! Please help me prevent her from getting a divorce! I love her! I know she's sick of my excuses for drinking so much, but I love her man! I know I cheated on her with the prostitutes and gave her syphilis once, but I still love her! Please help me!" Crying Man rants miserably.
"I'm sorry, I'm not a marriage counselor." I say quickly.
I start closing the door, but the man shoves his face between the door and the frame.
"What's a marriage counselor? Nevermind, please help. I have my life savings to pay you with!" Crying Man begs desperately.
I push the man's face out of the way, and slam the door shut. I lock the door, and start stepping away from the door. But then I hear some yelling between the crying man and some familiar women. I peek out the door, and see the three women from before.
"Man, get the fuck out the way! I've got to see this man for our divorces!" Bellencia yells furiously.
"Divorce shouldn't be legal! I love my wife and she doesn't need to leave me!" Crying Man yells miserably.
Bellencia steps forward, and smacks the Crying Man across the face.
"Get the fuck out the way! We've got shit to do!" Bellencia shouts furiously.
Bellencia holds a palm out and it glows with blue energy. Then a giant blue, ethereal hand appears to the side of the Crying Man. He stares confusedly for a moment before the hand smacks into him and knocks him aside like a doll. I hear a dull thud as I assume he's crashed into a wall. Bellencia rubs her hands like she's getting dust off of them, and the women all walk in unison towards my door.
I hesitate for a moment, then open it wide open.
"Hey, surprised to see you so soon." I say nervously.
"Give us our divorces now!" Bellencia shouts angrily.
I take a step back, shocked.
"Yeah, I want to kick my husband out of the house now!" Sarah yells angrily.
"And I want the kids!" Woman 2 yells angrily.
My head droops as I realize the hell I've created for myself. I am now one of this world's first divorce lawyers. In the Medieval Era.
Ugh, I really have to take their husbands' money from them. Otherwise these women will be screwed.
"So outta curiosity, how easy will it be for you all to get jobs once you leave your husbands?" I ask nervously.
Bellencia gives me an offended look.
"Fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm part of a Noble family. I don't need a job." she says with proud annoyance.
Sarah shrugs nonchalantly.
"My family works for the bank. I'll probably get some clerk work there." she says calmly.
Woman 2 looks down at the ground nervously.
"I'm not sure how to get a job. I've never had to do it before." she says quietly.
Bellencia puts a hand on Woman 2's shoulder and her face exudes sympathy.
"Don't worry, it's easy, Megellia. You just go into places and be like 'Can I have a job?' Then they either say no, and you leave. Or they say yeah, and you get an interview. They also might make you do a bit of work just to see how ya can do." Bellencia says nicely.
Megellia's face lights up.
"Oh, that sounds really easy." she says, relieved.
"Yeah, real easy." Sarah says calmly.
Hmmm…maybe things aren't too bad for women here. I'll have to see how things develop. But before that.
"I see. Moving along, I won't be starting your divorces until you let me interview you all about what you saw with my client's fight." I say nervously, but firm…ish.
Bellencia glares at me. She starts to say something, but Sarah shushes her.
"We can do that." Sarah says calmly.
Bellencia tries to say more, but Sarah interrupts her once more.
"We agreed to this. We should do as he asks. It's only fair." she says firmly.
"But what about the Bard? Gorgeous Cephellion. He could go to jail." Bellencia argues angrily.
"How does the Bard even go to jail? He wasn't involved in the fight." I say confusedly.
They all stare at me for a moment. Then Sarah starts to speak, but then Bellencia puts a hand over her mouth.
"Nothing! You're right, the Bard wasn't involved!" Bellencia says with forced niceness.
Sarah starts trying to pull Bellencia's hand away, but it's very firmly gripping her cheeks. Bones crack as Sarah stands up, puts a foot on Bellencia's side, and uses all her strength to try prying Bellencia's hand away. But her grip is too firm.
"He used magic to-" Megallia says nervously.
Bellencia's other hand shoots out, and catches Megallia's mouth in her vice grip. As she's doing this to her friends, Bellencia smiles at me as if it's a normal day.
"All that happened was that Deatrix guy bumped into Balgor. Balgor got mad at him, drew his blade, and started swinging. Deatrix blocked the blows, and started slashing back. A typical fight amongst men over petty things. That's pretty much it." Bellencia says nicely.
The two others start beating on Bellencia as she maintains her deadly grip on their mouths. However they are like children to this monstrous woman. I wonder how she hasn't murdered her husband before now.
"Bellencia, could you please stop doing that to your friends? They clearly got out that the Bard did something with magic. And I might be able to guess since I remember hearing a distinct whistle in the air." I ask with firm annoyance.
Bellencia's eyes glare daggers at me. I hear loud cracks from her friends' faces. Then she sighs, and lets them go.
"OW! What the fuck you crazy bitch!?" Sarah says angrily.
Bellencia pulls out a knife from her cleavage, and points it at Sarah's throat.
"Nobody calls me a bitch! Apologize or die!" She screams furiously.
Sarah pales and holds her hands up in surrender.
"Hey, I'm so sorry. I crossed the line. I know you hate that word, Bellencia." she says fearfully.
Bellencia glares at Sarah for a moment, then she slowly puts the knife away. I'm um…curious about something.
"You have a sheathe in there right?" I ask nervously.
"Don't worry about me. I've got a tough chest. And I've never nicked myself with a blade." Bellencia says confidently.
Huh…
"So, about what the Bard did. Sarah, could you continue with what you were saying?" I ask nervously.
Sarah looks at Bellencia, and Bellencia glares back. After a moment, she sighs and looks away.
"Tell him whatever you want. I suppose I care more about the divorce than the Bard." she says angrily.
Sarah nervously looks back at me. After a few moments, she speaks.
"The Bard often uses his whistling to cast spells that aid in his allies' fights. It's very subtle. In that fight he used it to make Deatrix miss a deadly blow. Admittedly a good thing for both your sakes." Sarah says tensely.
"Ah God, right. That thrust at his head. Yeah, he might've died from that and I'd have to be defending a murder now. He'd probably be screwed." I say, relieved.
But this is proof the Bard was involved. I may need more proof that this is how he casts his magic. Perhaps…
"Do Bards have spellbooks?" I ask quickly.
"Um, yeah? Everyone does? What, were you born yesterday?" Bellencia says annoyedly.
Weren't they supposed to be fine with these kinds of questions? Wait, she doesn't consider me a friend. That makes sense.
"Sorry, I forgot. I know some people memorize their spells and what not so that's why I felt like asking." I say nervously.
"Would any of you have any other information that's worth noting?" I ask nervously.
Bellencia shrugs. Megallia looks down at the ground. And Sarah strokes her chin. She's my best bet honestly. … … …
"Did the Bard ever say anything about his friends?" I ask nervously.
I need to ruin their image. Showing their true colors will make the Judge turn on them. Maybe…
"The Bard is always complaining about having to help raise money for the Wizard's experiments. Or helping Balgor win fights." Sarah says calmly.
"The Wizard is part of the Seekers of Knowledge guild. My husband is in that guild. They're a bunch of weirdos. Obsessed with studying. And a drain on my money." Bellencia says angrily.
"The Bard says he makes-" Megallia says quietly.
"Don't tell him about that!" Bellencia snaps angrily.
Megallia gasps and covers her mouth. She looks away from Bellencia fearfully.
"What does the Bard make?" I ask sternly.
Bellencia pulls out the knife, and brings it dangerously close to my balls. I step back, and she makes the knife follow.
"Look, you don't need to know every little thing about the Bard." she says with firm anger.
I look between the knife, and back at her face. Her eyes are ice cold. Focused. With an ember of crimson malice in her pupils.
I could admittedly do something, but I don't feel like fighting a woman. Even if she seems like she's more dangerous than I am currently.
"Okay, I won't ask. I think I've gotten everything I need for my case. Regarding your divorces, please give me your full names and the names of your husbands. I need them to file for your divorces." I say quickly and nervously.
"Bellencia Femmatale. My husband is Hermando Femmatale." Bellencia says angrily.
"Sarah Nagetero. John Nagetero." Sarah says calmly.
"Megallia Strom. Richard Strom." Megallia says quietly.
I pull out my notepad and write these all down. Then I smile and give a weak wave.
"Alright, thanks for coming by. You guys have a nice day." I say nicely.
Sarah waves with a smile, Bellencia just turns around and starts walking, and Megallia holds her hand up and waves it side to side once. Then she quickly follows after Bellencia, and Sarah does as well.
I close my front door, and sigh with relief. God that got intense at the end. Bellencia's husband better just accept this divorce, or there will be a corpse soon.
Ugh, I need to find some tobacco. I feel the urge to smoke, and admittedly this is worth breaking my self-promise to quit. Hmmm…now I'm slightly curious what the drugs of this world are. But I'll refrain from pursuing that train of thought and focus on what's important.
I've established the case well enough from the witnesses point of view. Now there's another angle worth going for in this regard, and it's the actual people involved. I should've done this earlier, but I never discussed what exactly happened with Deatrix. It never occurred to me since I was right there, but there's always a chance there's some history between them.
But first, I should establish these cases with the local courthouse. It's a bit much to do all this work without the officials knowing.
Wow, the courthouse is pretty busy. And chaotic…can I even get inside?
"Pssttt. Hey you. You a lawyer?" someone whispers eagerly.
I look around confusedly, until I spot a man in a barrel. I tilt my head, confused.
"Eh? I mean, yes. But I already have a case sir. I can't pick up any more." I say awkwardly.
"That's not what I need. I need…" the man says eagerly.
Suddenly a bald man leaps out of the barrel, and wraps his arms around my legs. He has dark blue eyes. He wears black robes with the half red, half blue symbol of Libra painted across the front. He's crying.
"Please, for the love of Libra help us. We have no fucking clue how to handle all these divorces." He begs intensely.
"Uhhhh. I uh, I'd rather not." I say awkwardly.
I start trying to pull my foot out of his grip, but he catches it and drags them back down to the ground.
"I will give a reward of 10,000 gold coins if you do this." the man says seriously.
My eyes become focused and my spirit fills with determination.
"It will be done sir. I will return home and write up a process-" I say eagerly.
"You will come to the courthouse and do it there! We need it out and ready in an hour!" the man yells intensely.
Suddenly he jumps up, and throws a blue ball at his feet. Blue smoke explodes from it and envelops us. I feel a warm wind swirl around me. And the smoke makes me cough. It quickly fades though, and I find myself in a very nice room. Filled with very tense people in the same robes as the man and lots of papers and scrolls. There's a pile of scrolls in the corner that's on fire. I stare at it with concern.
The man who brought me here notices my concern, and yells at the others.
"Put this fire out now! It's distracting everyone!"
A few men move into action. Water spews out their hands onto the fire. It starts going down.
I um…I should get to work. I look around the table for a stack of papers and something to write with.
"Get him paper and quilllll!" the man yells urgently.
"YES JUDGE FRANK!" Several people yell back.
I turn with utter shock to face the man who is apparently the fucking judge.
"Why the hell was a Judge of this city in a barrel!?" I ask with utter confusion.
"I can't be seen by the people out there! People keep demanding divorces! It's insane! What happened to 'til death do we part!?'" the Judge says fearfully.
I uh… sigh and shake my head with bittersweet amusement. This place is absurd.
They throw aside all the stuff on the table, place down a fresh stack of papers, a large ink well, and a very nice…half black, half white quill. My face drops and I glare at the quill. I'm really getting sick of this color theme.
I sit down, and…fuck, I wasn't a divorce lawyer. And I never even got married. So…I stare blankly at the page.
"Henry. For the sake of literally this entire world, I'm going to inject your head with the basics of divorce law. I can't have a man fucking this up for anyone." Libra says firmly.
I feel a firm hand smack into the side of my head, and what follows is slight pain and a sudden influx of knowledge. And then I begin writing.
Easy part first, No-Fault divorces. Literally just the couple admitting they can't work as a couple anymore. Andddd…bam, it's done. Not even five minutes.
Now the medium difficulty. At-Fault Divorces. Reasons for this include Substance Abuse, Adultery, Mental Illness. Mostly messed up reasons honestly. This takes me a bit longer. And some things are met with some concern…
"What's 'Impotence at Time of Marriage' mean?" a man asks curiously.
"It means they're unable to have sex. Typically the man." I say quickly.
A man gasps, and starts to cry. Several others stop laughing.
"So that's why your wife's been so mad! Your dick don't work!" One man taunts while laughing.
The crying man stomps his foot, and rushes out the room.
"You guys are all assholes! It's not my fault I got cursed!" he yells miserably.
And then there was-
"What's bigamy?" a man asks calmly.
"It's when one of the parties of the marriage is already married." I say quickly.
A man gasps, and starts to cry.
"So having multiple wives is illegal nowwwww!?!?!" he yells miserably.
I uh…look at him confusedly.
"No. It's just a reason to be divorced." I explain awkwardly.
The judge smacks the crying man upside the head.
"Shut up, you don't even have one wife." he says angrily.
"But it's my dream! I'm gonna have a harem!" the crying man whines with a bit of determination.
"Keep on distracting him, and you'll have a harem of guards to keep you company while you're in jail. Now shut up!" the Judge yells angrily.
And now, the actual hard part. Things like Child Custody, Child Support, and Spousal Support. And regarding this, I'm not sure how to design it. Admittedly if I could, I'd make everything utterly fair. But the problem is this world is medieval, and that definitely means many kinds of people are at a disadvantage. And I'm most worried about the women here. However, I have an idea. The Judge appears to like me a lot at the moment. I'm helping him figure this out after all. Maybe that 'Treat Me Like I'm New' spell will kick in with him, and I can get a good idea of how that situation is.
"Hey Judge, how ya feel about me? Be honest." I ask confidently.
The Judge blinks confusedly for a moment.
"Strange to ask that now, but I think you're the right man for this. I'm agreeing with everything you've written so far." he says calmly.
Good enough.
"So be honest with me on these questions. How do you feel woman stand compared to a man in the world? At a disadvantage, equals, or at an advantage?" I ask calmly.
The Judge strokes his chin.
"Hmmm…that's a bit complicated. I'd admittedly say they're close to equal, but it depends on the strength of their natural magic and their talents with magic. With good enough magic, a woman could literally enhance their physical abilities to meet any job. But a lot of people still won't hire women. They think they're a distraction. Or worse, they try to take advantage of them in that work environment. Both financially by paying them less because of their sex and because they're ignorant of the worth of their work. And…in…sexual ways." the Judge explains seriously.
"Well, that's fucked. We should make it illegal to do that." I say with restrained anger.
The Judge chuckles nervously at that.
"Uhhh, maybe let's settle this divorce thing before starting any more new laws. I don't need the merchants coming for my head next." he says nervously.
"Ah, that's fair. Things are currently a bit crazy." I say nicely.
I'll design these laws to be as close to the modern day then. This takes about an hour. When I'm done, I hand it to the Judge. He looks over quickly, and nods.
"This is good enough. We will do our best with this." the Judge says seriously.
I smile nervously and nod. He puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezes it, and nods back.
"Now please avoid bringing me any divorces and you will be my favorite person ever." the Judge says warmly.
I smile with sheepish shame, and he gives me an annoyed look.
"How many divorces are you doing?" the Judge says annoyedly.
"3." I say sheepishly.
The Judge sighs loudly and his head droops.
"Love is dead." he says sadly.
I restrain myself from laughing, but a "pfft" comes out. The Judge glares at me, and leaves the room. I look around awkwardly, and cough.
"So uh, where do I go to register cases for divorce and another case for a fight?" I ask nervously.
"Umm, in the back. We have some clerks there. Speak with them, and they'll set it up." a man says calmly.
"Oh, and my reward?" I ask nervously.
"I'll have someone send the money to your home. Give me some time, things are crazy here." the Judge says calmly.
"I understand." I say calmly.
I nod, and leave the room. It takes a while cause there's a line, but it's simple enough. It's a much more simple version of the process in the modern day. Not worth describing. Totally because it's not worth explaining and not because the author is lazy.
"What was that Henry? What Author?" Libra asks concernedly.
Eh, you're here? Ow, my head hurts. I think someone made me break the fourth wall. Ow, I've uh…what wall was I talking about? …
Anyway, the Judge likes me a lot now. I'd bet he'd at least listen to me if I brought enough evidence against the Adventurers.