&&&&&&&&&
It's not bright today.
A quick look behind reveal the sun falling down. Wondering about the hour, my hand, small, but still with good calluses on them dig in my pocket.
Taking my phone out. I ignore the wallpaper to look at the time.
19:30
Make sense.
The date is just beside it. 23 of July, 2020.
Soon to be fifteen.
Putting my key inside my door, I open it without much of a thought ignoring the sweet sticking on my body.
I don't ignore the sign of my veins, in my good looking forearm. a small surge of pride rise up at my progress.
But soon enough, it's drown away by the thoughts of tonight.
Finished training. It's 19:30. Probably have 3 hours to train this lisp of mine before going to sleep.
Could experiment with my voice a little bit more too.
Pushing inside without much trouble. My feet kick the door back behind me as I get back home. My heavy training bag is in my free hand, left one. Trailing as I pass through the hallway and don't look at anything.
My eyes are focused on the wooden floor. Thoughts running. Fast. Really fast, faster than I would ever experience five year later.
No signs of those pesky dillemas. No signs of those pesky intrusive thoughts. Just perfect goal seeking.
Not even a sign of hungry coils in my guts or slithering in my throat. I don't categorize parts of me in third person.
Magnificent.
Too magnificent, it always fall, it can always fall. I'm proof of it.
My feet freeze.
A small sound coming from deeper in the hallway.
In front of me there is my living room. The Tv and couch where it always have been. On the side a small hallway lead to my room, and just beside my dad room.
The sound come from my room.
Dad never come back home at this hour.
I don't ponder the reasonable explanations. Nor do I get annoyed or angry at myself when my mind directly jump to the most violent reaction.
It's confidence. Or maybe it's something else. But dad like it. I did too, but it's too good, too good to be true, everything finish by falling.
The only real dillemas I have is if I need to be silent, or not.
Looking down at my key, who's still in my hand. And the small jingle on it make it clear that discretion isn't an option.
So instead. I just throw my heavy bag on the ground.
It make a loud sound as I sigh deeply, walking toward the couch. My hand take out my phone, and without much of a thought my thumb slide the sound slider as high as it can.
A quick tap put on a YouTube video.
I throw the phone on the couch while my feet lead me to the small kitchen relied to the living room.
The video keep running on the background. Making it clear that someone is here. That this someone is watching a video in their own home.
Opening the counter in the kitchen, my hand take the sharpest knife we own.
A random thing dad said about cops being useless settle in me, it feel right.
I don't have a single intrusive thought, it's just perfect, it's my mind. But the stronger it get, the harder it fall.
Turning around I pass the couch again. Walking straight in the hallway where me and my father room lay.
Only then do I start being sneaky. Didn't trained stealth a lot, just a bit when dad took me out to hunt
Leaning on the balls of my feet, my legs bend slightly, becoming slack as I walk forward toward the door in a small barely hearable run.
My body just listen to me. I don't stumble. I don't fall. Not on rocks, not on anything. I don't need a pathetic title to fight. It's just me. It's a strong me. One I'm used to. The higher your standards, the harder the crash can get.
The video is blasting. This help a lot.
And speed help too, they won't have the time to react.
Well maybe that was a lie.
Because react they did, this they did. Especially when they hear me slam the door of my own room open with a front kick, rushing in with a knife in my hand.
"WHATAYZTZHYDBZ-!?"
My hand stop mid grab as I rush forward into my room. Stopping over the collar of the one sitting on my bed...
A controller in hand.
Looking up at their face reveal a pretty soft looking face in a hoodie, long blond bangs coming down in front of their face.
The girl.
That's definetly one. Raise both of her arms like an hostage, controller still in hand.
And then she look at my face.
Throw the controller away and scream again "LUUUUUUDGER!"
That wasn't expected.
Ignoring the knife in my hand the girl jump up, hug me and start climbing me like a koala.
This is ridiculous.
And then she lean down, while holding herself up on my shoulders. She barely manage to grab her controller back, and push it down in my free left hand.
"COOOOOOOME!" Looking to the right, where she point. At my small TV where a call of duty multiplayer game is, right now, being played, give me all the information I need.
That's why I speak out. Knife still in my hand, a koala girl on my shoulders.
"What are you doing here?"
"Came up from the window!"
My eye twitch. "I closed the window"
"Yeah I lied"
My eye twitch again. "How did you come here?"
"Your dad gave me a double of keys!"
My eye twitch. Three times.
That's a problem. I need to train today. Thinking about that, a small surge of pride spread through me when I didn't stuttered even once while answering.
A hand slather my forehead "eeeew, did you went training today? Again!?"
Does she want to die? "Emy, I-I" I lick my lips, annoyed, that's why I need to train hard. "Trai-tra" fucking hell.
The girl just stay here. On my shoulders. Waiting for me to answer, calmly, giving me time.
The silence is long.
It take more than 20 seconds.
But it's not uncomfortable as she wait, it's a comfortable silence.
Taking a deep breath. I try again.
"Emy, I train everyday" good enough.
She directly answer me "But stiiiiiiiiiiilllll! You need to reeeeest" her hands close around my head and try to pull me around, mixing her worry with complete madness.
"I rest"
"Not enough!"
She grab the controller from my hand again, and just after, my feet steady themselves on the ground to avoid falling as she jump back in my bed.
"Now stop sulling and come play." As she does that, she quit the party and ready the settings for some local one on one.
Perfect settings. The one we already agreed are the fairest for a true competition of skill.
"I'm gonna crush you"
She always want to compete with me for some crazy reasons.
My eye twitch. But I calm down my emotions, just like dad. "Emy, I have-" I bite my lips, the words are weird, they feel weird. I know what I want to say but the words can't come out.
It doesn't stop me from trying.
And soon enough, they get out.
"Training to do."
Compared to me
"And I just said you train too much" I barely manage to react and catch the other controller she took from under my bed.
She threw it at me.
Looking down at it. And then at hand knifehand, a heavy sigh escape me. Wondering if I'm being too lenient, if I should just throw her away and train instead.
Looking at my callused hands, an odd thing happen.
An intrusive thought.
Maybe I should just relax a bit? I trained hard, it's not like all my progress will vanish in one day.
I'm not used to those. They are rare.
That's why I listen to it, and without thinking too much of it.
Already too big to fall, I don't worry.
A small day of playing won't ruin everything.
I'm feeling good. I don't show it much. My joking skills untrained yet. But I'm comfortable, better than I've ever been and felt.
I improved. A lot.
The more you improve, the harder you fall.
&&&&&&&&&&
Those feelings didn't stop.
Again. I can't sleep.
It's happening more and more often. Since the whole system leaving message.
Definetly hurted me bad.
My hand trail on the side of my bed, caressing the blanket.
Doing that is always reassuring for me. Kind of an habit.
And it's especially useful right now. In the middle of the night. Of the dark. Alone in the safe zone, everyone well and well asleep. The light source far away from view, invisible really.
I can't sleep.
One of the reasons I can't sleep is this.
[Ludger emellini
-body: 10
-mind: 10
-magic: 2
Essence: 12/100
Tier: tutorial attendee
2 free point.]
________
Titles: Homicidal
________
Skills:]
Yeah.
2 free points.
My fingers tighten against the blanket, but soon enough, a heavy breath help me relax my shoulders.
I checked my full status again tonight, while I was remunating.
I remembered when I did the dumb ideas to test the liquid experience and...yeah.
It was close to the end, so...that was to be expected.
Seeing this, didn't really help?
Short term at least.
It made me remember this whole shit about my title. And my magic stats. That have way too much influence on me.
But still.
Compared to usual...I...I'm just looking at it.
It feels...bad, I'd say.
But nontheless, with a bit of help. A bed to lay on. And all night.
It's slowly become easier to deal with.
It doesn't change anything. My plan is still the same and...
Can't FUCKING believe I'm saying that. Considering the whole shit that's happening but.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm getting better.
A small intrusive thoughts point it's nose here. Just as I shove my hand inside my blanket for the cold, and start trailing my nails on my bed.
It talk about the fall.
Just like before, I know it, it always happen.
I heal hard. Go bigger, clearer, calmer. I get used to it, a routine, meditative, enjoyable create itself.
Then shit happen.
And I fall. Harder then I could ever have.
And to that...I don't really know what to say.
It scares me. Deeply. To be honest.
Pondering on those thought, I decide to turn on my side. Pulling on my blanket until I'm completly covered in warmth, I made this happen.
It's really scary. I'll admit it, even if it's hard to say, it's just the truth.
It happened one time.
Not too long ago even....
But, isn't that just life?
It's scary, I'll mess up, but then I just need to get back up and climb again. Isn't that's all there is to it?
Even if it's scary, even if I can limitate my exposure to it with smart decisions, and a safer life, no fighting, and power.
It would still happen.
For some reason, this thought make me relax even more in my bed. My hand almost stopping this meditative and relaxing touching and feeling.
Yeah, it kinda would.
I guess that everything up to me then?
That's good.
Really good.
I may be wrong, but if I'm right, then I'll be sleeping well tonight.
And tommorow? Tommorow everything will be fine.
I played my role perfectly. Did some joke. Made everyone normal again, all happy, all perfect.
That's all I needed.
Till the second malfoy pulled his sword.
To when we joked around and malfoy and I did a rockpaperscissors to know who would wash up first.
Everything was fine.
The mood was high. And truly, I enjoyed it.
It was numbing, a small routine, a small mask to put on. And everything was fine.
Even if I really hate Matthew.
...I think.
In any case, it doesn't matter. It's more useful for everyone to be friend. So I'll make it happen.
This whole routine is enjoyable anyway.
My pupils get heavier.
No dumb choices anymore.
I stare at the inside of my pupils, limbs heavy.
Soon enough, sleep is mine again.
Knowing full well that...
Nobody will notice anything.
Right?