"Two hours, Hokage sama!"
Temari's voice echoed in the office, sharp. She struck the floor with the base of her closed fan, the dull thud a full stop to her patience.
"Two hours, four minutes, and thirty two seconds," Tsunade replied, not looking up from the scroll she was signing. "Shizune has been timing you since you started yelling."
"This isn't a joke! I came here to coordinate a Chunin Exam, not to watch your best strategist take a nap!"
Temari pointed with her fan at the figure slumped in a chair against the wall.
Shikamaru Nara opened one eye. "Hmm? It's not a nap. It's tactical meditation."
"You were snoring!"
"It's a... breathing mantra. It helps concentration. What a drag."
Temari approached Tsunade's desk. The new desk. She gritted her teeth.
"Hokage sama. I've been in Konoha for three days. Three. In those three days, I have tried to have four meetings with him."
She pointed again. "The first time, he said it was 'too early' for strategy. It was ten in the morning."
"An inhuman hour," Shikamaru muttered.
"The second time, he disappeared. They found him on the roof, 'counting shingles'."
"Inventory control is important."
"And yesterday, I asked him for the barrier patrol schedules for Zone 44!" Temari slammed her palm on the desk. The inkwell trembled.
"Ah, that. I gave it to you," Shikamaru said, yawning.
"You gave me a menu from Ichiraku Ramen! With notes on which broth is 'too troublesome to digest'!"
"That was a filing error," Shikamaru said, shrugging. "Ramen is a drag. Too many options. It complicates decision making."
Tsunade finally put down her pen. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, her eyes closed.
"Shikamaru."
"Yes, Hokage sama?"
"The menu. Give it to Shizune when you finish your 'meditation'. And give the Suna Ambassador the patrol schedules."
"Sure, sure." Shikamaru sighed, as if he'd been asked to move a mountain. He reached into his vest and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. "What a drag... Here."
Temari snatched it from his hand. She unfolded it.
She fell silent.
"What is it?" Tsunade asked.
"It's... a drawing," Temari said, her voice dangerously quiet. "Of a deer. Sleeping."
"It's a concept map," Shikamaru explained, opening both eyes, clearly proud. "The deer represents strategic passivity. The calm before the storm. It's deep."
"Aaaargh!" Temari crumpled the paper and threw it at his face. "You're a useless slacker!"
She looked back at Tsunade. "Hokage sama, he's incompetent! He refuses to do anything that involves moving or using a pen!"
"I'm conserving energy," Shikamaru said to the room. "The exam is going to be exhausting. A leader must be rested."
"You're not the leader!" Temari shouted. "You're the errand boy! Just like me! Now, give me the security protocols for the Forest of Death!"
"Ah, that. Easy. The spiders."
Temari blinked. "Excuse me?"
"The giant spiders in the north sector are an excellent natural deterrent. No need for ANBU patrols there. We save on personnel. It's efficient."
There was a long silence.
"Efficient?!" Temari repeated. "What happens if those... spiders... eat a Suna Genin?"
Shikamaru considered it for a moment. "That would be... a drag. A lot of diplomatic incident paperwork. We'd have to send a condolence note. How troublesome. They'd probably cry."
"I'm going to hit him!" Temari raised her closed fan.
"Nobody is hitting anybody in my office!" Tsunade barked. "Not again! The carpenter said this was the last desk of this type of oak wood!"
Temari lowered her arm, but she was trembling with rage. She took a deep breath through her nose. "Fine. I won't hit him."
She composed herself, her voice turning cold.
"But I will not work with him. He's lazy, he's insolent, and he is simply useless."
"I demand a replacement!" Temari declared. "My brother, the Kazekage, is expecting a functional progress report tonight. I can't send him a concept map of a sleeping deer! I can't tell him our security plan is 'trust the arachnids'!"
Tsunade looked at Shikamaru. He had already closed his eyes again.
"Shikamaru."
"Mmm?"
"One last chance. Get up. Go to the archives. Bring the contingency plans for Zone 44."
Shikamaru sighed. "But Hokage sama... now? The afternoon light is coming through that window. It's perfect for... analyzing dust."
"Unacceptable!" Temari struck the floor with her fan. "Give me someone else! Anyone!"
Tsunade sighed, defeated. "Temari san, I understand. I really do. But he is the best strategist I have. He's the head of the coordination team. He's the only one qualified for this level of liaison."
"See," Shikamaru muttered, a faint smile on his lips. "Irreplaceable. The best. Now, if you'll excuse me... tactical meditation..."
"I'd rather work with that weird eyebrow kid!" Temari shouted. "Or the dog guy!"
"Rock Lee is on an endurance mission at the border," Tsunade said, rubbing her temple. "Kiba is... well, Kiba is on a mission."
"Then who?"
"There is no 'someone else', Temari san. You'll have to..."
Tsunade stopped.
She stood up, her chair scraping against the wood. She turned her back on them both and walked to the large window overlooking the tower's main courtyard.
"I'm going to kill him," Temari whispered to herself.
"What a drag..." Shikamaru muttered in his sleep.
Tsunade looked down, searching for peace. Searching for quiet.
Instead, she saw a bright orange blur.
Naruto.
He was sweeping leaves.
Or, more accurately, he was fighting the leaves.
Tsunade watched as the boy furiously raked a large pile of dry leaves. He stood up straight, put his hands on his hips, and nodded, looking proud of his work.
Just then, a gust of autumn wind swept through the courtyard. The pile of leaves exploded, flying directly at Naruto, covering him from head to toe.
A moment of silence.
Then, Naruto's voice, high, indignant, and surprisingly clear, reached all the way up to the office.
"WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! STUPID WIND! I'LL... ! RASENGAN!"
Naruto dropped the broom and tried to punch the air.
He lost his balance, tripped over the broom handle, and fell flat on his back with a thud that Tsunade could almost feel.
She sighed. An idiot.
Naruto lay on the ground for a second, covered in leaves.
Then he leaped to his feet, looking around frantically to make sure no one had seen him.
Seeing no one, he grabbed the broom as if it were a spear.
"ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH! NO LEAF IS MOVING FROM HERE! I SWEAR IT!"
He began to sweep again, this time with inhuman fury and speed, yelling at each leaf as he forced it back into the pile. "YOU THERE! AND YOU! STAY PUT!"
Tsunade watched him.
...but an energetic idiot.
And obedient, in his own strange way.
And... being punished.
An idea.
No. A solution.
A slow, dangerous, and absolutely evil smile spread across the Fifth Hokage's face.
She turned around.
The atmosphere in the room changed instantly. Temari stopped tapping her fan. Even Shikamaru seemed to feel the change in air pressure and opened one eye.
"Temari san," Tsunade said, her voice terrifyingly sweet and kind. "You say you want someone else."
Temari narrowed her eyes, suspicious. "...Yes? Did you find someone?"
"You say you want someone who isn't lazy," Tsunade continued, approaching her desk. "Someone who isn't afraid of hard work."
"Anyone!"
"I have someone better. Someone with... an infinite amount of energy. Someone who doesn't know what 'conserve strength' means."
Shikamaru opened his other eye. Suddenly, he looked very interested. "Energy? Who? Choji is on a food mission in the Land of Lightning."
Tsunade placed her hands on her desk. "Someone who desperately needs a new challenge. How about... my personal assistant?"
She paused for effect.
"Uzumaki Naruto."
There was a second of absolute silence.
Then, Shikamaru sat up.
All the drowsiness, all the apathy, evaporated from his face. It was replaced by a pure, desperate, and almost manic hope.
"Naruto?!"
Tsunade's voice was pure satisfaction. "Oh, yes? Does that sound good to you?"
"Hokage sama!" Shikamaru jumped to his feet. "That's a brilliant idea! Absolutely brilliant! Worthy of a genius! It's perfect!"
Temari looked at Shikamaru as if he had grown a second head. "'Brilliant'?" she repeated. "The idiot who crashes into closed doors?"
"Diversionary tactic!" Shikamaru replied, waving his hands. "Think about it, Temari san! Naruto is the ideal choice!"
Tsunade crossed her arms, openly enjoying the show. "Enlighten me, Shikamaru. Sell it to me."
"He's... he's energetic! Look! You want energy, he is energy! He probably has too much! He could power an entire Chunin Exam just by yelling!"
"Yelling is not a security plan," Temari said coldly, though she seemed vaguely intrigued by Shikamaru's sudden change.
"But it's a deterrent! The giant spiders will be afraid of him! I guarantee it! And he loves challenges! He takes everything as a personal challenge! If you tell him 'move this pile of paperwork', he'll move it faster than anyone in history!"
"Moving it isn't filing it," Tsunade pointed out.
"Details! Minor details! And he loves danger! The Forest of Death is perfect for him! He loves it! And he loves Suna! Adores Suna! He's always talking about Gaara! 'Gaara this, Gaara that!' He's the... the... perfect connection! Yes! Connection!"
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Continue. You're on a roll."
"It's the logical choice!" Shikamaru was practically vibrating. "He's obedient! He'll do whatever you ask without asking questions... well, he'll ask a lot of questions, but he'll ask them while he's working! He's so much better than me! I'm... lazy! I'm terrible! A horrible strategist! Fire me from this post, please, I'm begging you!"
Tsunade shifted her satisfied gaze to Temari, who was watching the Konoha genius plead.
"Well, Temari san. There you have it. You have your offer. And an enthusiastic recommendation from the current holder of the position."
Temari didn't answer right away.
She tapped her chin with her closed fan, her eyes narrowed, thinking.
The idiot... She remembered the conversation from just a few hours ago. He had led her there. He's loud. He's stupid. But... he's not lazy. She looked at Tsunade, then at the pathetic, pleading Shikamaru. And most importantly... He works for the Hokage.
"He's an idiot," Temari finally said, aloud.
"A wonderful idiot!" Shikamaru yelled. "Full of... enthusiasm! And spirit!"
"Shut up," Temari snapped, cutting him off. "You're drooling."
Shikamaru snapped his mouth shut.
"But," Temari continued, "he's not lazy."
She looked directly at Tsunade. "And he's direct. He won't complain about the clouds or give me ramen menus to file."
She made a decision. She nodded sharply.
"Alright. It's a deal."
Shikamaru's face lit up like a beacon.
"Give me the idiot. He's better than the slacker."
"YES!" Shikamaru whispered, clenching his fist so hard his knuckles turned white.
Then, as if someone had cut his strings, he collapsed back into his chair.
"Ahhhhh... great. Fantastic. So good. At last. A nap. What a relief."
He looked at Temari with genuine, deep gratitude. "Wise decision, Temari san. The best one you've made. Really. A brilliant strategic mind, yours is. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
Shikamaru got up from the chair, stretching his arms above his head with a groan of satisfaction.
He held up the blank napkin with the deer drawing.
"It's a drag. I'll let Naruto know on my way..."
He started walking toward the door, already half yawning, dreaming of his bed.
"Not so fast, Shikamaru."
Tsunade's voice was calmly cold.
He froze. Literally, with one foot in the air.
He turned slowly. The smile of relief was gone, replaced by a growing sense of dread.
"...Yes, Hokage sama?"
"I'm glad you're so happy to give up your post," Tsunade said, leaning on her desk. "So... enthusiastic. So full of praise for your replacement."
Shikamaru started to sweat. "Well, I... I just want what's best for the village. Cooperation. And Naruto is..."
"You just demonstrated," Tsunade interrupted him, her voice devoid of emotion, "every single complaint that Ambassador Temari san has been yelling in this office for the past two hours."
"Huh?"
"You are incompetent."
"Well, that's..."
"Lazy."
"That's subjective..."
"And you actively abandoned your inter village liaison post in the middle of a Chunin Exam coordination."
Shikamaru's face turned several shades paler.
"Yeah, yeah. I get it." He sighed, accepting his fate. He was a ninja, he could take a punishment. "I'll report for a D rank mission tomorrow. Double shift pulling weeds. What a..."
"No."
The silence in the office was total. Temari watched, motionless.
"My personal assistant's position," Tsunade said, savoring every word, "has just become vacant."
Shikamaru's eyes flew open. The realization, pure and absolutely horrible, hit him.
"...What?"
Temari, who had been putting her fan away on her back, stopped. Her hands slowly lowered to her sides.
A smile.
Slow. Vicious. And absolutely beautiful. It began to form on her face as she understood the brilliance of what was happening.
"Naruto," Tsunade continued, "thanks to you, is now in the middle of a punishment that you passed on to him so you could take a nap."
"It was tactical meditation!" Shikamaru yelled, his voice sharp with desperation.
"So," Tsunade said, ignoring him completely, "it's fair. It's a perfect exchange. An eye for an eye. A post for a post. You take his place."
"Take... his place?! Naruto's punishment?!"
"Exactly."
"But... he sweeps! He moves boxes! He... he cleans the tower gutters!"
Tsunade smiled. She bent down and pulled the infamous clipboard out from under her desk. The one Naruto feared so much.
"And he tests expired soldier pills for quality control. And files ten years of failed mission reports from the academy. And..."
She paused for maximum dramatic effect.
"He cleans the mold from the hospital's medical supply warehouse."
Shikamaru's face went from pale to a sickly green.
"Mold...?" he whispered, horrified.
"Hokage sama, no!" His legendary laziness vanished, replaced by pure, abject terror. "Please! The paperwork! The Forest of Death paperwork! I'll do it! I swear!"
He ran back to the desk, nearly tripping. "Look! Schedules! Protocols! I love paperwork! It's my passion! I was born to file! It's fascinating! The spiders are a terrible plan! I take it back!"
"Oh, no!"
Temari's voice rang out, high and filled with a cruel, unbridled joy. She was laughing.
Shikamaru and Tsunade looked at her.
"A deal is a deal!" Temari said, walking up to Shikamaru until she was inches from him. "You said it yourself! Naruto was perfect! A strategic genius, you are!"
She leaned in. "And I think you're perfect for sweeping! Maybe you'll learn something about hard work!"
Shikamaru looked at her with an expression of pure betrayal.
"Troublesome woman..."
"You said it! Incompetent!"
"It was a negotiation tactic!"
Tsunade slammed her desk. "Enough! Shikamaru. Your punishment is for one week. The same pay as him: a 50% cut."
"Fifty...?! My mom is going to kill me!"
"Now," Tsunade opened a supply closet in the corner of her office. She pulled out a ragged, dusty broom and threw it at him.
Shikamaru caught it on pure instinct, staring at it as if it were a venomous snake.
"The leaves in the courtyard aren't going to sweep themselves. And from what I saw, that squirrel down there looks aggressive. Good luck."
Shikamaru looked at the broom in his hands. He looked at Temari's sadistic smile. He looked at Tsunade's iron grin.
"What a... drag..."
He dragged his feet out of the office, the broom thumping on the floor behind him like the last nail in his coffin.
Tsunade stood up and leaned out the window, hands on her hips. Temari joined her, looking down, both of them with predatory smiles.
They watched Shikamaru exit into the courtyard.
"NARUTO!" Tsunade yelled.
Down in the courtyard, Naruto had just been attacked by the same squirrel again. He was trying to sweep it away, and it was clinging to the end of the broom with its teeth.
"LET GO! IT'S VILLAGE PROPERTY! I'LL CHARGE YOU WITH TREASON, YOU BASTARD SQUIRREL! THIS IS AN ACT OF WAR!"
Naruto looked up, covered in leaves and dust, the squirrel still growling from the broom.
"WHAT?! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT! THIS SQUIRREL IS ANBU! I SWEAR! IT HAS EVIL EYES AND KNOWS TAIJUTSU!"
"Leave the squirrel and get up here!" Tsunade shouted. "Now! You've got a promotion!"
Everything stopped.
The wind. The yelling. The squirrel.
Naruto dropped the broom. The squirrel, surprised by the sudden victory, fell off with a squeak.
"Promotion?" Naruto whispered.
"PROMOTION?! SERIOUSLY?! I DID IT!"
A cloud of dust and leaves exploded from where he stood.
"YES! HAHAHA! TAKE THAT, WORLD! IN YOUR FACE! I'M GONNA BE HOKAGE BEFORE LUNCH!"
Less than five seconds later, the Hokage's office door burst open, slamming against the wall and knocking down a portrait of the Third Hokage.
Naruto stood there, breathless, leaving a trail of dry leaves and twigs.
"I'm here! Promotion! I'm ready!"
He tried to catch his breath, leaning on his knees.
"What is it? Jonin? ANBU Captain? Guardian of the Ramen Vault? Just tell me, Granny! I'm ready for the responsibility!"
Tsunade, unfazed by the broken door or the fallen portrait, simply jerked a thumb toward Temari.
"Congratulations, Naruto. You're the new Chunin Liaison with Sunagakure for the upcoming exam."
Naruto's triumphant smile froze.
He blinked.
"Chunin... Liaison?"
Temari stepped forward.
"Hello, 'assistant'. Get ready to work."
She threw him a scroll. It was as thick as Naruto's arm and probably twice as heavy.
Naruto barely caught it, staggering back from the weight.
"Hey! This is heavy! What...?"
"We have a security meeting in five minutes," Temari said. "In the war room. And you're taking notes."
Just then, a miserable figure passed the open door. It was Shikamaru, dragging the broom.
"What a drag," the Nara genius muttered. "Don't let her yell at you, Naruto. It's just her way of saying 'hello'."
Naruto looked at him, completely lost. "Shikamaru? What are you doing with my broom?"
"Stupid mold," Shikamaru continued, not stopping, shuffling toward the stairs. "It itches. So troublesome..."
Naruto watched, totally confused, as Shikamaru disappeared down the stairs, presumably toward his new hell of cleaning and ANBU squirrels.
"Mold? Sweeping? Shikamaru? What is going on?"
Tsunade sat down in her chair, leaning back with her hands behind her head. She smiled for the first time that day, a genuine smile of a job well done and chaos perfectly managed.
"Don't worry about him, Naruto. You have much more important things to do."
She pointed to the giant scroll in Naruto's arms.
"Like all the paperwork he didn't do."
"PAPERWORK?!" Naruto yelled. "But... you said promotion! This is office work!"
"Oh, and Naruto..." Tsunade said.
"Yeah?"
"Temari san is your new boss. For all purposes of the exam. Her orders are my orders. The Kazekage and I are in agreement."
Temari's smile widened. She walked over to Naruto, who looked like a trapped animal.
"So," Tsunade said, closing her eyes, "if she tells you to jump..."
Temari leaned in until she was inches from Naruto's face.
"...you ask 'how high?'. Understood?"
Naruto looked at the giant scroll in his arms, which suddenly felt a thousand times heavier. He looked at Temari's sadistic smile. He looked at Tsunade's satisfied grin.
"Great," he swallowed. "More... paperwork."
"And you'll be moving boxes," Temari said, straightening up. "Ours arrive from Suna tomorrow. And you are going to unload them. All of them."
She turned and walked to the door.
"Let's go!" she shouted over her shoulder.
"Where to?" Naruto asked miserably, dragging the scroll.
"We have to talk about spiders! And I don't want to hear you scream about them!"
"I wasn't screaming! I was just... negotiating with the squirrel!"